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I used to not believe it's possible to be left by your parent as a kid, especially moms, I grew up thinking my mom was emotionally unavailable, and she was, but there were times when she would take me places as a kid, even if she never played with me, I've come to realize as I grew, my mother doesn't like spending time with me, she likes doing what she likes and she just had to take me with her because I was little, I've realized that by how much she hates spending time with me now, because I never suggest things she wants. What she wants is to be by herself, even if it's me who takes her wherever. There was no such thing as unconditional love towards me. If I didn't do what she wants me to, get grades she wants me to, act the way she wants me to, go places she wants and never where I do, I wouldn't be treated nice, I was never hugged or kissed randomly, which I later found other families do, I was never told I was loved, but my father, she would've done everything for him, she wanted to leave me on so many occasions and move away with him, she just never went through with it because grandparents threatened her. Any time I need a ride because I am stuck for hours on cold without a bus, she dreads it, but when my dad gets drunk twice a day she'll go anywhere to give him a ride and not complain. I have never experienced unconditional love. And I grew to have my mom be physically absent aswell, which I never believed possible. My only hopes as a child and my whole life were that, at least you can fix it and she'll never be gone, but she is now, and it's unfathomable to me. It goes against my only hopes and beliefs I ever had.

27.12.2024

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07.11

I never attend the last class, as I do not have a bus after 19:15, however I have been offered to get out of the 6th class, which I couldn't do, as my absence for 7th is excused by transport, and for 6th I'd have to lie, which mother would obviously realize and punish me for. So I could not leave the 6th class together with my two friends. They will be hanging out together for 2 hours now. I feel left out, I know I have no right or reason to get upset, but I feel terrible, I'm jealous. Why can't I be there? Why is it equally enjoyable without me? And that's not where it all ends, they are somewhat far relatives, and they come from the same area of the country, and they say I love you to each other. I don't think they're in any way separating from me intentionally, it's just that I'll never have the same closure with anyone that everyone else seems to have so effortlessly, and it's killing me. I already feel like I have no family, so what I can't find under my roof I seek elsewhere. And knowing I don't fully fit in the picture outside of the four walls of my home and neither between them makes it unbearable. I'll never have what everyone else has with people. No one says they love me platonically, actually I don't even want to be in a relationship, I just want a family, or some sort of community, I want to be loved without being met with expectations partners have with each other. It's like relationships are so fragile everything can ruin them, but family is forever, and I'll never have my forever. And friends are like extended family, which I'm lacking aswell, I'm not particularly close with anyone, and neither does anyone know the real me, only the versions I make on the spot to fit. I don't do that on purpose. And I never lie about myself, It's like my mannerisms and topics to talk about depend completely on the other person, I'm like a mirror. I feel like I have no one I belong to, who loves me in a true platonic sense. When I look at other families, it's like they love each other simply for being a family, or they learn to love who they all are, but in mine I feel unwanted on every corner, because my parents never wanted a child, and my grandparents believe my mom ruined their precious bloodline or some sort of pedigree, and that an apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Anyone further has their own flaws too I am not in the mood to disclose, all I'm saying is that I have no one to turn to and nowhere to go soon enough, no friend who loves me as their family to take me in either. It's not the lack of shelter I'm afraid of, or being independent, it's what I'll do to myself if I have to live like that for so long, or perhaps forever, knowing I don't know the cure to my situation. And I'm stuck with an inconsistent partner, which further punishes me with my fear of being abandoned, because he leaves the second I disagree, the second I am myself, I never know it with him, he's just like my mom, willing to kick me out the second a slightest inconvenience happens. I'm too consumed with loneliness, even if I am not known as I am, may the version of me In everyone's eyes be accepted at least.

I gave granny my money for a package to arrive and she didn't respond to phone calls (cause I called her from school) after a mailman called me so I told the mailman to put it in storage and I'll go pick it up later. She called me later on and I explained the situation, but she said she's going somewhere with grandpa so she asked me where to put my money, I explicitly told her to put it in my room because parents will steal otherwise. I come home and see nothing in my room, but a 1000 on the table, thinking that it's something else, so I call her and ask her did she return the money thinking she may have forgotten, and she said that she did but dad was home so she felt awkward going into my room and left it on the table instead, I asked how much did she leave because I started connecting the dots, and she said 2000, so I knew immediately that asshole stole it. I called my mom to tell her that money will be returned to me, and she proceeded to get mad at me telling me I'm trying to put my dad under the bus for no reason and how he ,,told her that he took it for cigs", she got so fucking defensive of him like it isn't MY money and like it isn't ME who should've been informed. Like its ok for the two of them to monitor my money behind my back. She better not come home still angry over that cause If she does I won't forgive her easily and trust me that I will steal something from her so that she can worry about where her money went the same way I do.

15.10.2024

Mom, each time I come home from school, I wish I could go back.

First thing was when I wanted to cuddle, she pushed me away and asked what do I need, and just kept on watching series instead of paying any attention to me. Few days later I come from school earlier, because I was sick or had an allergy, I just didn't feel good. Routinely I was at my grandma's house, and she called me to come home to not spread the sickness to my cousin, the same one she told me I don't even have and am making up 30 minutes ago. On the way home from school, since she was driving me, she told me about a 20$ bamboo she wants to buy, but doesn't have any money, so I offered to buy it for her. When we got home she realized I bought a 3$ book, knowing I collect old books, and yelled at me for wasting money like that. It's not fair that dad gets to do drugs and drink and get new pairs of shoes every month, but when it's me all I do is waste money as she says. And that isn't even her money, I worked this summer. Days after that, yesterday, the second I stepped home she came to tell me she will no longer be teaching me math (which was our method of bonding my whole life) but rather that she hired me teachers, and I'd have to do it for up to 2 hours at least once a week. Whenever I asked for something like a language school or dance as a kid I was denied, but now I have to learn the subject I despise. And the worst part about it is that she no longer has time for me. She no longer wants to spend it with me. I don't know what made my mom stop loving me, what made her pull away, but it might have been the conversation where I told her I'd make a year break between high school and college, and perhaps try to study abroad, to which she told me I'd be dead to her if I did. I love my mom, so I'll try every method, I'll try to cling onto her at first, it might make her change her mind, and if it doesn't work I'll pull away. Maybe if I accept that she doesn't want me anymore I'll attract her attention back. It's hard to not have one parent all your life, and despise their action and feel like the other one is split between you two. But it's even harder knowing who's side they finally chose. And I know in my mom's heart it wasn't me.

There was this girl I made him block months ago, because of the way she spoke to him. Recently he unblocked her to get her together with his friend, she is pagan, promiscuous and all else, and we had an argument over how Immodest I dress (tight clothes, as he calls it ,,one step from naked"), which resulted in me being blocked, so I asked around this guy that sort of hates me and makes fun of me, and he told me a lot about the girl, which I later on told my boyfriend, but he didn't take me seriously untill our mutual friend said the same thing because he too happens to know her and she cheated on two guys with him. Thats when he finally blocked her. I hate that he holds me at such standard no matter how much I try, but will hang around people like this. 2 weeks later he decided to harass her from a fake account, while also naming the guy who told me stuff about her, because he hates him. I get threats from that guy, because he is a very sensitive and hateful person, telling me he exposed my past to that girl, thinking that I made that fake profile to harass her. The only way for him to delete the exposing messages before she sees is to prove that it isn't me who harassed her and talked shit about him, so I had to snitch on my own boyfriend. I felt so guilty and confused. I never thought I would've snitched on him, and I felt terrible, but I was being punished for his mistake. I felt disgusting. I tried to defend him so hard, I told them I don't care what he sent her, and In fact I'm very glad, but it wasn't me. I was defending him with my whole heart telling them to stop talking about him behind his back, I gave my all into defending him just for her to send screenshots of him flirting with her. I will never recover from this. My heart shattered in the moment. Someone I trusted the most in this whole world did cheat on me. And with a girl who's nothing like me. And he kept defending it finding different excuses. In the end he doesn't know why he did it. I haven't felt worse in years. I couldn't explain why for the past two months he talked to me less on calls, and I did everything to fix it, I tried figuring out what exactly to talk about, certain topics, talking to him about why he is the way he is. Everything. I wanted to make it good again. And now I see. Now I understand everything. And he cheated on me only 5 days before our one year anniversary. I'm crushed.

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Once again he fell asleep in the yard drunk, but right before that he made sure to touch my school supplies with oily hands. I hate touching anything oily, and this sensory issue was definitely given by their lack of hygiene growing up. I hate him. It's like everything's going on around him. She told me herself that I don't need certain foods when I asked, yet she never forgets to buy him 4 bottles of beer. She would rather I am not fed than him being away from his pleasures that destroy us. Every time I deny something he says I am met with her guilt tripping. Poor dad. His life must be so hard when he is told no. I'm such a terrible person am I not. All she ever does is take away from me to give to him. I feel so bad for my mom, but him too when she makes me. It's so hard to resist feeling guilty. I've come to realize I never had any trouble letting go of bad people, the only thing stopping me was guilt their sadness or precieved one brought upon me. I think she knows this, and I think everyone does, and I'm the guiltiest person alive. I wish I was still in a bubble like when the worst things were happening to me, I don't remember feeling a thing for anyone or anything, it led me to do so many bad things but it protected me, and I miss it. I wish I could not care so much about every little thing, I wish I could go back to consistent feeling of emptiness. But I can't, and I'm trapped. A little while ago we went to pick him up for work, I have already stated that I have school tomorrow, and mom was busy with house chores. Not only has he stopped at one man's restaurant after work, but after that he had to return some money to someone, and he decided to sit and have a drink at their house knowing we don't have time and have already wasted hours on what would've been a 20 minutes ride because of him. Eventually we convinced him to get back in the car to go home, the whole way back he would argue how rude we are and he said to mom that it's the reason she has no friends. At that moment it struck me, everything granny said was true, he is bringing her down, he is brainwashing her, I mean he did that many years ago, he's just maintaining the position now. Many times on the way back he has said to her to drop him off at his dad's (my grandpa's) house. When she said to him that we're going home, he told her it's not his home, it's hers only, since she wants to manage all finances and steal money. It is at that moment the argument started, supposedly my mother took something from his wallet, so that him and the restaurant guy cannot indulge further. That something was weed. The arguing was so severe we almost got into an accident considering my mom was driving. I watched as the bike guy barely made it between several vehicles and us, which I assumed he didn't notice earlier. My dad told us we ruined his day. My grandparents have so many grandchildren, and grandpa made it very clear that he does not like my father, they follow the situation, but they believe a last name is significant, and my blood isn't as pure. An apple doesn't fall far from the tree they say. My mom, she shows me every day that I am not her first choice. Deep down in my heart I believe she has love for me. But I did not come first, it was him. And so he will always keep his place. I am no one's number one. I have no family to turn to. No one sees me as their most precious thing in the world. I'll inherit nothing to remind me of the love and time I spent with my family, because truly there was none to begin with. Even before I die, all traces of where I once lived and who I once was will be gone. They'll bury me before it's my time, if they haven't already. To dad.

On 24. August 2024

I can't stand so many things. He has a weird relationship with his brother's girlfriends. And I mean WEIRD. One of them cried on his lap from being cheated on, the other one tells him she loves him and brings him food constantly and he has to take care of her fucking sadistic kids who abuse animals and cry when told not to (to which personally I would've disowned them) and now he has to be on pool with these women all naked. Amazing. Not to mention its a problem that I tell him not to accept follow requests from half naked women, and apparently being upset at that makes me a pick me. Now he doesn't even care why I'm upset and doesn't let me tell him. Whatever, the green card might be worth it.

27.05.2024

First dream between December and January first was about my first love, who I never dated. We walked and talked about current lives. It must have a meaning, but I don't care.

I convinced my mom to go to Church on Christmas eve night with me, so we enjoyed watching fire and fireworks directly above the Church making it a beautiful sight. She indirectly challenged me to drink the hot wine at once which I did and almost threw up. The night was fun though.

She has started telling me that she loves me, and I hate myself for not being able to say it back. We spent so much time together today, but I grew uglier the more I indulge in my skin picking habit, and she sees it. Today we bought a full body mirror for my room, she told me she will confiscate it so I don't see how ugly I am. Exact words of hers, not an exaggeration. I think she does all that out of pity. She knows I have no irls. She knows I have it bad socially. As for my dad, nothing changed really.

I got the best birthday gift from my boyfriend. A paragraph which he does a lot, 16 reasons why he loves me, bunch of pictures, and a presentation. The presentation included when I called his grandpa's horse fat, and a picture of his cat that was stretched which seemed funny to me. I love him. But I can't say he loves me back. Yesterday, he told me he's not over his ex, and got mad that I don't want or know how to change his feelings. He even stalked her Pinterest account. I'm writing this down while it's bothering me. But soon I will forget like every bad thing that happens. If I try to mention it he'll attack with what I've done to him in the past. I'm not saying it's unreasonable, but I wish I had someone to cry to about this. It will go away anyway. I can't do anything about it. I'm glad he's sticking around even after admitting that he hates me. It happened yesterday. I failed to reassure him and got carried away in a story I was telling him. I thought we got past the argument but he then told me to stop talking. I'm scared of texting him at all sometimes. I have no one to talk to so I wish I could tell him little things I do or that happen to me, but I can see he can't stand me, and he said it anyway.

I'm very worried about two other things. One is the new mirror, I'm terrified of mirrors. What could come out at night? I'm terrified of nights aswell, and I have to pass a forest and no street lights street at 5AM now since school started. Another thing is my ceiling buddy. I've been knocking to that thing I heard on the roof in the attic we don't open at all from time to time through the years, sometimes it knocks back. Our hallway light is not working, but the issue is a bit unusual so they had to cut a hole in the roof around it, making a way for the attic thing to escape. I'm scared.

(15.01.2024)

They didn't wake me up the whole time untill I woke up at 3pm, they ate at work and they eat pretty well there to be honest, so they didn't make any food for me at home. At 5 they decided they wanted soup, so I got to eat soup but It didn't feed me too much. Then I asked them to give me some money to buy snacks at the gas station since nothing else worked because it was sunday. They said they don't have any so I spent mu own money. Then at home I ate bread and lettuce. I'm still hungry, I wish I had money to at least learn to cook. But at least I get coffee and apple at grandmas.

(25.12.2023)

Made another mistake last night where he almost broke up with me. I got upset that he has a past basically, I got sad because I guess I need to work on my views honestly, I slut shamed him because I was sad, I do have a past too even worse than he does but he knew about it the whole time and I'm finding out about his just now. It hurts because I see sex as the highest point of love, and doing things like that with other people before me makes me feel like I'll never be special or loved as much. I genuinely hope it's just in my head. I regret ever being upset at him for that, I don't think he's a bad or immoral person, he was just young.

(24.12.2023)

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I love saying it but I think I'll stop saying ,,I love you" first because he hasn't said it or said it back ever since last night :(

He really hates me chat

Chat does he hate me???

A whole set of lore because I was lazy to post on time when it happened

Yesterday his friend of a few years that he once decided to vent to about me and the same girl who told him to break up with me (which later he blocked) has posted a pretty provocative picture and it's worse when I know that she is his type and not only that but she looks way better than me at least in terms of body, she's not skinny, I never wanted to be skinny, the only reason my ED exists is to cope, but in terms of ideal body I have a completely different view, but I could never achieve that since I can barely gain 100 pounds. I still remember how bad my ex was about that. He would constantly compare me to girls with much more weight than me (which got distributed to all the right places) and it sucks knowing I could never achieve that. Anyway I'm going off the point, I called him a pick me over that and it hurt so much that he thought I was dissapointed in him. It hurt, the way he said that made me cry instantly. I have a fear that everyone will betray me and I start hating my closest friends the second they do something slightly againt my views. I eventually get over it but I never forget that I only have one person (my best friend of 11+ years) who NEVER did anything to make me view her differently. We talked a lot last night and I still feel terrible for hurting him with everything I've said. But he did the same thing like that time I cried over what my ex did. He told me to breathe in and out as he counts and it was so cute just like last time. Im genuinely happy. But I will keep an eye on his friend, as I am a very petty individual and even though he blocked her I'm still hurt by the fact he was ever friends and even decided to vent to someone like that about me (for context she's not the best person).

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I got so stressed over my latin exam thinking I'll get a D but I got a B somehow??? Was literally crying and got yelled at by mom lmao

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My friend disappointed me. We've been friends for about 2 years and I genuinely loved her company. We agreed on most things and she's fun to be around, but since we know a lot of people that's where this story starts. I realized a pattern of her constantly rejecting every possible guy, and we casually talk about it and she confirmed to me on several occasions that she's into girls. I've been through my ex making me block her thinking that I'm cheating on him with her even, overall that question has been settled a long time ago. She's kind of a close friend that I really cared about and almost trusted on not disappointing me, untill our mutual friend for no reason at all sent me something. That guy is the ugliest most morally fucked try hard and also kind of desperate, yet acts like a ,,top g" fuck boy or whatever. Overall a very disgusting individual in every way. And what I've seen is her calling him daddy a few months ago. And no she doesn't anymore and she doesn't like him or anyone. He said he doesn't remember the context but I think he's full of shit. I was genuinely disappointed and I lost my respect for her. A few days earlier I snitched on some guy in a gc who talked badly of her telling her not to say anything yet she did, I feel like she's not actually into girls and did and would betray me over a man, so I have not said anything about the recent incident. I don't know what to think honestly.

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My huge fuck up of the day, few days ago I unblocked my recent ex, the one I wrote about, the whole pool incident etc., Well, I needed that Netflix password badly, but I think mom called me and then I went to shower and sleep and completely forgot, so next day I get a call and I instinctively pick up. ,,I'm not blocked anymore?" ,,no" ,,alright just checking...so how are you?" Followed by asking about my current relationship to which I said all positive, but when asking about his he said they have issues where he's basically an asshole towards her, genuinely sucks, anyhow we ended it there. Next day another call where he was crying how she broke up with him, and just said he's going to sleep. So I message him telling him to fix it with her, he didn't reply for a while untill 3rd day comes, we are texting about it, he's drunk and high and what not and is telling me how every aspect of his life is at it's worst. Then it ended on him begging me to come back to which I said obvious No. I felt way too guilty for talking to him in the first place, so I told my boyfriend about it as I promised not to lie anymore. Let's just say it didn't end well.

Silliest update he found my fake profile I made to stalk his terrible friend and I played stupid and he actually believed me lmao, although that bitch doesn't accept my request for days already for whatever reason.

Today he got upset over what I did a few days ago. I hate when he's upset and I hate knowing I am what caused it. He has every right to be upset of course, but I wish sometimes he would let me help and be there for him without attacking me, and If I say anything about how he is at the moment he'll immediately accuse me of trying to turn the blame on him and make him the bad guy which I would never even think of. I love him and I'll never get fed up or anything, I just need to let it out somewhere. No one made me happier than he does so it's better if I keep it in this diary instead of constantly just making everything worse. We quickly made up and he reactivated his old profile from which he texted me jokingly and I made it pretty sexual, to which he got upset again saying what if I was willing to do things with my ex just so that he doesn't tell him that we talked. I am honestly not a very sexual person, as I was only ever pushed into it and forced. I don't have good sexual memories. He knows it and I got pretty comfortable with him, he makes sure I know that I don't and never will have to do anything I don't want to and he makes me feel cared about. I feel safe. But I'm ashamed after what he told me today. Not only this but when I tried to reassure him that it's not true and that I'm not like that he said he doesn't believe it. He keeps pushing this hypersexualized image of me when he's upset and I hate it. I hate being precieved in that way and it hurts the most when the one I feel safe around does that. I still love him but I wish he didn't see me as a whore. I hope one day I can try being that way with him without feeling shame over the way he sees me. He then told me he knows someone who's always sad, his ex, and that, to make us even, he should let her vent. I just give up when I'm too upset honestly so I said go for it. Then he went on telling me how his ex shouldn't suffer in silence as she's been through a lot (her eating disorder) and I told him that I too keep quiet about those things. He was mean to me over my disorder. I told him that by doing all that he'll just trigger me and I don't usually talk about my issues, and as I was about to say how much it hurts that he's implying his ex has it worse he quoted what I said before how it's triggering to be compared or even see someone who has it worse when you have an ED.

So how I talked to my (recent) ex, I unblocked him wanting to ask for a netflix password, which I forgot to do so he stayed unblocked for a few hours, then I woke up and he called, we talked a bit and he was telling me how his new gf sucks, we end it. Next day he calls me crying as I'm oiling my hair to tell me she broke up, to which I texted him saying he should fix it with her. We talk a bit the next day and he's begging me to come back, which I obviously say no to. And guess what, now he's telling my old friend group that I called him instead of the other way around and him and his friends are saying I don't have any friends ☠️

There's some things I feel like I can't say to him honestly. He's still perfect and all I need but some things make me sad and I can't say them. The way I told him I love him days ago when he was upset at me and he said he doesn't feel like replying to that rn, or yesterday he even told me to go away, and whenever I try to tell him that I'm sad because of the way he treats me when he's upset (like such things I've mentioned) + canceling calls etc. , he says that I'm turning things against him and making him a bad guy which I really am not, It's not my intention at all, it just makes me sad. I wish I didn't feel so rejected.

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I genuinely think my family was doing things against me even when I was younger, I feel like I was much less aware and not due to age, they must have done something to make me that way, and I was always in my own head and I spoke very slowly, so how is it that only now when I barely ever eat their food (ED Restricting, and now the fact I spend most of my time in a different city because school) that I gain awareness of such things and start talking pretty fast? How is it that in a video where I'm not even 3 years old I already fear petting a goat because someone else was petting it? I think there was always something wrong with me, I think it's genetics, but they definitely took advantage of that and the amount of things they did to me made me have huge memory loss, to this day I still have a hard time remembering anything remotely negative that happens to me so about a year ago I decided to write everything down the moment it happens and the things I read are insane, knowing that I dont remember them at all. Same happens when my granny tells me about things my parents did to me that made her shiver, I don't remember them at all. The reason I think about this now is that I had 10.000 given by my dad, I spent 3.000 on skincare, 1.000 I spent on school bus monthly card, so I had another 6.000 left (3 of 2000) and it was on my table and now 2000 is gone. So I have 4.000. They're gonna make me feel crazy again like they always do for many things but ESPECIALLY for money. Every single time. And somehow I always lost it, they never took it. Bullshit. I don't believe anything they say anymore, I don't even want to eat their food anymore.

Rejection

I hate making plans with people, I love being invited because for once I feel like I'm wanted somewhere but I also hate it cause people are unpredictable and it happened to me way too many times that I get invited without being wanted. In 2019 I had this group of friends and they would make fun of me and tell me to go home and refused to follow me home despite taking the same path so I just had to walk alone across the street from them and it was terrible even though one of them invited me all the time. I hate getting so excited that I forget how I'm going to get treated. I feel like a dog ever since they called me that. This year I've been invited to two group chats and I was happy I had groups of people to talk to untill first one decided they don't want me there so I left. Second one happened a week ago. I got asked if I want to join and I said only if everyone is okay with it, so I got added, and then I got told to leave so I did. And one thing my boyfriend does (although understandably because he's upset sometimes) is he cancels our phone calls right before they take place. It might not seem like a lot but they usually take place at night so I get all excited that we will spend time together at the end of the day and then it doesn't happen. He does this sometimes. I'm not mad at him, I just wish I had at least one person in the world who understands how rejected I feel all the time. I watched a video today, I was a kid petting goats at the zoo, they would run around and when I was finally close to one I just stood and waited and I wouldn't pet it because someone else was already petting it. I was always scared. I was always terrified of rejection. And with years I experience more and more of it. I think no one gets rejected as much as I do. It's like I knew my fate.

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