DatingDutch

It starts with our profiles... the cutest pictures with the funnies quotes. The very best representation of ourselves, never the flaws, we want to sell, sell, sell... and then the online conversations... you never say: sorry you are too boring online to meet in real life. Or: I’m talking to too many men and you just didn’t make the first cut. Or: you misspelled half of your words and I’m a sucker for great spellers. And then it gets worse! Cause during the date and áfter the date we become experts in deception. We come up with lies. White lies to spare feelings, to make things easier, to sell ourselves or simply to avoid the big emotions. Here’s a list of lies that I know we are all guilty of once in a while. Is it wrong? I don’t know... but at least if you look at it from a distance it can be funny af.

Ways of saying: Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

I look exactly like these black and white/Snapchat filtered pictures

Your pictures are great

I love your profile

I’m 1.87

You have bautiful kids

I love my life

Work hard, play hard

Ways of saying; I’m just not that into you:

I’m not good at dating multiple people at the same time

I’m just not in the mood for dating

It’s not you

I met someone else

I’m too busy to date

I can’t give you what you deserve

It was an ordinary evening of an average day. There was nothing exceptional about it until the Hero knocked on my door. No shining armor, no horse, don’t get too excited, just jeans and sneakers and a twinkle in his eye. It was my friendly neighbor, from the apartment right under mine. He moved in a couple of months ago, and since then we were flirting. He was chasing me; I was running away; we were both having a good time. This night it seems his patience started to run thin and he came up with a plan.

“I’ve locked myself out,” he said when I opened the door. “Could I stay on your couch?” First of all, remember the twinkle, second - you should’ve seen this couch. A bench at the train station would certainly be a better choice to spend a night than this old, short, and impossible to even sit on pitiful thing in my living room. It wasn’t my choice to put it there; it came with the rental apartment.

His intentions were clear - to suffer a temporary inconvenience on the couch, use it as an excuse to show up in my bedroom uninvited, and since we were already there, do his best; whatever best he had in mind. Sneaky, but creative.

With that in mind, I offered him a glass of wine to build courage and a plan that, believe me, required a lot of it. Since his keys were supposedly in his apartment and the backdoor to the garden was open, only five to six meters of vertical climb separated him from his own comfortable bed. And, a cherry on top, I was ready to fetch a ladder. A weaker character would retreat, but, to the glory of my Hero, he accepted the challenge. Although the twinkle in his eye started to fade, and he probably called me different unpleasant but well-deserved names in his mind, he admitted it was a reasonable way out for him from this situation - through my window and down six meters of shaking ladder.

All’s well that ends well, or almost well. He safely got down and into the apartment. But bringing back the ladder, he broke a ceiling lamp. A piece of glass fell down and cut his eyebrow.  Like a real medieval #hero, he was once again at my doorstep - a bit shaken, wounded and bleeding, but not broken - “See you tomorrow?” and a twinkle sparkled in his eye.

“When looking for a sea star, be the sea star”

Starfish Sex:

Sex in missionary position where girl lays inactive on bed with her legs spread (urbandictrionary.com)

A Tikkie is a Dutch way of getting your money back. An easy app to send a payment request to someone. It became hugely popular overnight as you can imagine, the phrase isn’t ‘going Dutch’ for nothing. But there’s a limit to going Dutch. I consider myself a feminist, equal rights for all I say! And I don’t mind sharing bills, paying for dinners etc. But when I met John for a glass of wine after some chatting on Happen I found a new level of going Dutch. I just had 1 glass since he was boring af. He paid, I thanked him and we parted ways. To my utter surprise I received a message from him 5 minutes after turning my back on him; he loved the date, could we meet again soon? He apparently was oblivious to any signal I sent him so I had to put the poor guy out of his misery. I thanked him again, told him he’s a great guy but I missed the chemistry. Good luck on your dating adventures! He demanded me to explain why there was no chemistry, maybe I didn’t invest enough into getting to know him? I remained friendly, told him all I can do is listen to my feelings and I’m sorry if I upset him. Thankfully he stopped messaging. Until three days later...

... when he sent me a tikkie for the glass of wine.