Dating an onion

Female rage to me is having your boundaries violated over and over and over and over and over again, and not having access to the language, the tools to advocate for yourself. Being afraid to advocate for yourself. Told not to advocate for yourself, to be polite, to be nice, to make things easy, to not be difficult. So, you continue doing that and playing that role over and over again. Then your boundaries are still violated over and over and over again, and it compounds for years until, inevitably, the rage starts to crop up and come out in unexpected ways. I think we all have a lot of female rage. You tell me if you disagree. Do you have it?

Survivors fear not being believed as so many of us aren’t, so they stay quiet. Survivors know that they are statistically unlikely to get justice, so they don’t report abuse. And, even if they are, even if they do, sending an abuser to prison doesn’t bring back the years lost to abuse, to trauma, to self-loathing. It also doesn’t seem to stop abusers abusing.  

Maybe love isn't about how long it lasts or if it has forever potential. Maybe the best love stories are actually the ones that we were still brave enough to write despite their expiration dates. Just because something ends, that doesn't mean it didn't matter or doesn't matter. Love doesn't always need to fall apart spectacularly in order for it end either. Sometimes, it simply needs to run its course. And when love leaves, perhaps one of the most romantic and loving things we can do for one another is to let each other go when it is time to do so.

I think I am…impossible? Or at least nearly so, to love.

There are many people in your life who will choose you: friends, family, a crush, or that one person you never considered dating but are realizing they're pretty cute. Invest your energy into those people actively wanting to be a part of your life, not someone you have to convince to love you. A convinced love will never feel as good as you dream it will. Especially when there are plenty of people out there who will choose you without thinking twice.

Healing isn't about never feeling the sting of pain again. It's not about forgetting everything that hurt you. It's not about feeling invincible. You won't always feel the peacefulness you'd expect. Sometimes healing is just moving forward, even when it feels easier to take a step backwards.

You are worth more than potential. You are worth more than second place. You are worth more than 'maybe someday' and promises you know deep down will always be broken. Because love isn't about what you hope will happen or what you wish could change; love is present tense. It's about what’s right here in the moment. And if it isn't what you need, it’s time to recognize that it's not enough.

See, I have very self-destructive tendencies. I wasn't loved as much as I wanted to be, anyway. The love that was supposed to be there wasn't there. It messed up my mind, my heart, and my relationships. I don’t blame anyone but myself for this — I just didn’t know how to handle it properly, and I still don't.

It's okay to miss them. It's okay to miss what you shared with them. Whatever you’re thinking of — just don't let it consume you. Don't let these thoughts take control of your feelings. Don't second guess where you are right now or who you’re with or if you made the right decision. Think of these old loves as people who you were meant to know and love at one point in time, but that's it. Think of your old loves as what they are — old loves. They are in the past for a reason. Remember that.