*

I must admit, your absence doesn’t feel like a burning searing hot coal anymore.  It doesn’t come in sharp twists and turns as it once did. Now, it is an open sore that I carry with me with tender care, it’s all-surrounding, almost like a weighted blanket that I carry everywhere. I feel it with me at all times, but it is an even and steady pain and sadness.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to shed off this tarry cloak. 

You’re lucky if you were truly able to forget, because I can’t forget. The demons you left behind hold up knives to my neck everyday, since the moment I wake up until the moment I collapse from exhaustion. I haven’t slept in months. I feel myself disappearing from my own body. I wish I would just fade away.

Que rico que es que la otra persona te perdone cuando tú no estas dispuestx a hacer lo mismo. Así es muy fácil. Tal vez ese ha sido mi error. La pendeja no fuiste tú.

Y justo así, terminamos en el mismo lugar en el que comenzamos.

I think about you telling me how handsome you think I am, I think about watching you get ready, I think about you kissing the birthmark on my chin and telling me it’s your favorite one, I think about napping in Bayfront park in broad daylight, I think about us pretending we lived in Brickell together, I think about singing along to Go Slow in room for hours, I think about us napping together after going to the beach, I think about us applying to college, I think about when I fell in Pembroke Pines, I think about the busted elevator in 1687 Comm Ave, I think about you telling me every meal I made you was the best one yet, I think about you yelling at me when I spaced out during Game of Thrones, I think about me yelling at you when you spaced out during an overrated cult-cinema hit, I think about us going to the corner store in the middle of a snowstorm to get Cheetos and sometimes wine, I think about taking the Greyhound to New York together to get tattoos, I think about the photos we took at Babalú and eating gummy bears for dinner when we were stranded in BFE, I think about us in Rue Oberkampf pretending to be locals and you eating an alarming amount of baguettes, I think about getting lost in Mont Royale at sunset, I think about us trying to hold each other even when it was 92 degrees in our apartment, I think about fighting about who’d be little spoon when it was 50 degrees in our apartment, I think about not recognizing eachother after cutting our hair short, I think about going to Juli’s and swearing we’d never bring a gringo there, I think about getting our afternoon coffee when we had nothing else to do but wanted to keep hanging out, I think about our impromptu lunch dates, I think about pretending I had food poisoning to go fly up to see you, I think about how in love we both felt at Dali, I think about crying at the recipe book you made for me, I think about how I believed we understood eachother at Soya before we went stargazing, I think about how we met so many iterations of one another in the past couple of years and how all of those were sacred to me in different ways, I think about how I feel like I idealized all of it.

Lo que más duele es imaginarme que en algún momento me quisiste y me amaste más que ahora.

A burden I can’t carry