The Ways of The Almost-Jedi

“If they ask me ‘what are you guys, really?’, what do I tell them?”

“Just say we’re friends.”

Last Sunday, I won my first Bike Race. I finished 2nd amongst 4 lady mountain bikers. It was a criterium where we had to do a 30 minute endurance ride and 2 laps to finish.

I knew I was going to see K.

I prepared myself because for sure all that I can remember seeing him was all the hurt he has caused. And of course the love which has still not died one bit.

His friends were mocking me as I was doing my warm up. Because I couldn’t go near him. I was a laughing stock for 5 minutes.

As the race started, I was the last one to take off. I was already travelling 40kph while the ones ahead of me, well who knows, around 45kph most likely. His friends laughed at me because I was last.

I managed to catch up in the first stretch and first turning point and before I reached their spot, I was already running for 2nd place. Nong Pido was screaming “Nice ‘ya, Winks!”. And it gave me nothing but a sudden boost in my pedaling.

I finished the race in a consistent pace and ended up bagging Silver.

I am not sure of how K felt about that.

After the awarding ceremony, there was a party. The organizers had Manila-based DJs playing us mashups and remixes. I was there. Waiting for somebody I knew. I hung out with other bikers I just heard about. It was fun socializing.

But then I saw K, He was with his jackass friends. They sat behind me. I can see him staring at me.

Then Nong Pido arrived. I gave him a hug. He positioned himself near me. I could heard K’s voice somewhere in the back. Turns out he gave Nong Pido, a bottle of beer. Which was unlikely because they weren’t close friends; and he could give that bottle of beer to just anybody who doesn’t have one. They just know each other by name and don’t usually talk.

I left the party with a heavy heart. I could hug him really tight, but I couldn’t. It’s just too late for that now. Even though I still loved him.

Then I remembered he made a little note for me on my pin board, a year ago. When we were still together.

Have confidence in God and not in your own strength.

As I was going home from an endurance ride as part of my training for next week’s criterium, I thought about the possibilities. Of what could go right and what could go wrong. The shame on my face if defeated or the joy of my heart when I finish in victory.

People will be watching. Some don’t know me, some know me very well. My friends, my team mates, casual spectators, my antagonists... and there’s God.

As I was riding home, I don’t know what made me look to the right side of the road. And as I did, in perfect timing, I saw a painting of David and Goliath. That reminded me that even the greatest warriors can be conquered. Bullies, non-believers, fierce contenders, setbacks and fears.

I almost forgot about that parable. My parents and my Christian educators used to tell me that story. It warmed my heart upon seeing that painting. I cried. God was there to remind me of His miracles. It was God telling me to trust Him.

I am still afraid but that doesn’t make me a coward. I have fears but I will now choose to face them in prayer.