Untitled

I've thought about that name every day since I last saw you. If I ever was lucky enough to see you again, I still hadn't figured out if it would be appropriate to use. I know all of the weight it carries for us, and to use it almost seemed intimidating, wanting you to be comfortable more than anything if we're face to face, and just saying that name could throw everything off from the beginning. I still say it silently to myself constantly.

I picked up on the fact that you had left your job, yes. I saw it in a post you shared on here from the Netherlands. I've been worried about you, but I know how much you disliked that job, and I trusted it was the right decision for you. I hate myself for not being able to support you in any way I could.

I was fired myself not too long after everything that happened. It added to my lowest point, struggling to find something to pay the bills, questioning why this kept happening, stuck unable to get a new apartment with no job. I know how that uncertainty can be terrifying, I'm so sorry. I would do anything to comfort you. I do have another job now, and things are heading in a good direction. I want that for you as well, so badly.

I'm so glad that the therapy is going well. I have also been seeing a therapist myself. Minimizing the value of counseling by using it as a cover is absolutely horrible, and I'll never question how important it can be again. I'm on medication now, working on my struggles at work, getting to the root of what I need to do to be happy and successful in a way that really matters to me. To treat therapy so casually is unforgivable, I understand.

I did notice you still play. I go to your lolchess page all the time, looking to see how you're doing, and if you're still playing. I saw you hadn't played in a little while not too long ago, and it (like a lot of things recently) hit me really hard. It's something I still get comfort from, a small link we still have that makes me feel just a little connected, even if by the tiniest little bit. I've taken so many screenshots myself, realizing I couldn't share them with the person I wanted to. I've sat my phone down and cried more than once.

I remember that ex, yes. I hope it was comforting in any way to have the company, and to lean on your friends and family. I'm ashamed to think of any time I was critical of anyone you cared about knowing what I was putting you through. You deserve so much more, and that thought, along with knowing how impossible it would make your life with your friends and your family to let me back into your world, has kept me from reaching out any more than I have. Yes, I knew it was our anniversary, and I typed out multiple messages to you for that day, finally deciding that sending anything would only be more difficult for you. I'm sorry if that was the wrong choice, and that you struggled in any way. I couldn't think of anything but you that day.

I'm glad you're doing ok. I think often that you're so much better off now than what I was putting you through. I truly want you to be happy and at peace. I'll take that over any happiness I might get from interacting with you or being in contact with you. You deserve the world.

I know my word doesn't mean anything after everything I did, and I don't blame you for not wanting to hear from me. I'll only say this: I have thought about you every single day since we saw each other. I have worked to straighten out my life, my thoughts, my emotions, and it only becomes clearer each day that I want you in my life. You don't have to question my love. You have my love unconditionally. I know it's been a very trying and difficult 5 months, and you've come so far to recover from everything I did and I said. I just know that I would be completely content spending the rest of my life trying to make you as happy as you've made me, and to work tirelessly to wipe away any regret I've caused. I mean it when I say I would do anything (not to make too light of this note or topic, but I'm not saying that pegging is off the table, just so you know how serious I am) to have you in my life. I know you may never be able to forgive me or let me back in, I understand, and if you find joy and contentment without me, I would be so relieved and happy for you. I would be crushed if I went the rest of my life without you, even when I know how much I'd deserve to be alone. I would be the luckiest person ever if I were ever given another chance, and I swear I would be a changed man, never taking you for granted or giving you a reason to not feel entirely loved.

Like I said, I'll give you space, and I desperately hope that someday you might be ready to talk, and that I can prove that I am working, and will continue to work, to be the man you deserve from that day forward for the rest of our lives. Until then, I will be cheering you on from the sidelines, wishing for all the joy and happiness life can bring for you, and making myself a better person to maybe one day add to your life.