In Daniel's Head

When i was much younger, my father told me once that, the purpose of my life is to learn, how to let everything go. He told me like a hundred times, and since then, every single time he got right. I lost things what are important to me one by one. Let it be an object, some friend , love, i lost it. And for now, all i can think about that i cant have anything, i cant even enjoy anything for a longer period and i cant be happy, cause all i can think about that i have to let it go. I will lose and all i could do is to watch it leaving me. That was the biggest thing my father gave to me. A curse...

-Sometimes we deliver to step in those traps. -I was born in mine i dont mind it anymore -You should. You should mind it. -Yeah i do, but i said i dont.

Its hard to describe what i feel at this moment. I could feel my heart fighting with himself about whats right and wrong. I can feel my love like never before but, i dont wanna do what i've done like a thousand time. To do what my heart wants to, for a good purpose, to fulfill all the things what i feel. Cause deep inside i know it wouldnt end up well, not for me of course. But only because i care too much i cant do what i want. So i just do nothing. Nothing cant hurt, only myself. But i dont care about me.

Once upon a time, it happened that a young boy went for an adventure. He didnt really meant to, he lived in his own world, watching his life going worse and worse. But he was blind, he couldnt see, he couldnt think about the world outside his head. But it happened that after a time no choice left for him and he was gone. He found himself in a whole different world,than what he knew before. It was all huge and terrifying, and he was alone. He was all by himself. After 19 years, first time in his life there was noone to help him, noone to care about him. He was far away from everything he knew and for a very moment he felt destroyed. He felt nothing but painful space in his heart. The world he lived in before exploded,and in a heartbeat everything what he believed in, everything he trusted or thought about, disappiered, and there was nothing else left after just eternal emptyness. At that very moment, there was one simply thought in the boy’s head. “Either i will stop existing in this cruel, vicious, unfair, fucked up world, or i finally man up, and give myself one last shot to do something with my life and i will show the world that i was stronger.” So he decided, he will not give up. Truth to be told there was nothing to give up, there was nothing to lose… And thats how it all started.

My love has no conditions It is not demanding, doesnt hurt, doesnt choke. It is powerful, yet infinite. It keeps you safe, but can let you go anytime. My love doesnt fear. It's not selfish. I'll always give but, never expects anything back. Thats how it works and when you understand this, you will always be loved.

Like i told before my relationship with my family since i got back had some difficulties, but for now i can see the positive progress. First i fixed my brothers phone, cause Dad asked me to, and after 6 hours of worked i fixed it. Later i heard that my father even took it to a GSM before but they told its too hard for them. Haha Daniel-GSM 1-0;). Anyway i could see my father is greatful, brother's happy so it worth every effort. On sunday cause my brother left to our grandma, i called my friend Laca, with whom i got the oldest friendship, he knows me since i was a baby. So when the title was family time i meant him and his family rather then mine. Now i know its sounds strange but my family never really cared about me, it either they just simply not interested in me or they are just not like that kind of people. On the other hand when im with Laci even when his family is around i feel like i'm valued. Like i matter, simply by just them asking me how im doing, i can feel like I'm one of them, and this is what i could barely feel around my own blood. But this was always like that, i could never fit in and if i had no friends, i would have tought that there something wrong with me. So im greatful for my mother to have Laca's mom as a friend for 30 years. So i can know them and now i can enjoy weekends like this with them. I certainly not gonna write down every single details cause it could appear boring and for a simple post, but afrer last week i was really happy finally. On top of all of that yesterday when i got home my sister came over, and then my grandma got brought back my brother so first time in forever we were there, two brothers and two sisters, and my grandma. Im sure my father almost went emotional deep inside his heart;)

Shame on me i decided to write every single day, but for now its been almost a week without any post. So from now on i really try my best to share some pieces of my mind every day:). Forgive me if its not entertaining enough. So what happened last week? Well it started too bad, with the weather my mood went terrible as well, without any particular reason, but then there was weekend. My weekend was just as awesome as the weekdays were bad and boring. My brother came as he come every second weekend, and i enjoy spending time with him cause i can feel how much i meant to him and on the other hand he is a bright kid as well so i dont mind, if i have to be with him. I can say we get along like we were always together, and this makes me feel better about myself as well. I’ve also been to some of my friends from ELTE, the university i attended to before i went to London, and we spent time how i like the most, small group of people who like each other, not needed big amounts of alcohol or loud music so we dont have to talk, cause we all better than that. It started as a LANparty but we ended playing Monopoly until 4:30AM. The funny thing about them and it makes me feel so happy that i only knew them like for 2 months before my trip but still we got close like we knew each other for years. This is a sign for me that what i’m doing around others, it works. I arrived home aroumd 7:00AM on Sunday morning but i promised my brother i get home as sopn as i can;)

This was my mood this week. You can read all from my eyes i suppose :/

I found this song a few days ago, and it really got me, cause i can relate with the lyrics. I do belive that every single girl is an angel deep inside, only some of them have too much scars. I'll always be there for them, to belive:)

You know it may sounds like a cliché, but i just realized how important music is for me. I've never really thought about it, but now that i have, i can say i listen to music at least 5hours a day but usually much more. I sleep with music on,even when i wake up, before i leave my bed i listen some music. When i was all alone started my life in London, the very first moment when i took a breath and finally made up my mind, not to hang myself, was when i downloaded Spotify. Funny huh?! The point is that music can always reflect whatever inside your heart, let it be happiness, sadness, love, hate, anger, melancholia or anything else. And I'm pretty sure there's a song for every situation in life. I cant really make this into words, but music is such art which makes you feel like nothing else in this world. Music could be the fifth element for me:)

My thoughts keep racing in my head as this monday came. Sunday is over which is fairly nice cause there's no depression. BUT there is one thing what's worse than going to job/school on monday which is when you do nothing. And I dont mean that i couldnt arrange some programme for myself, its rather i'm just not in the mood, cause i'm starting to feel like i dont deserve it if i haven't got any other obligations to do. I bet it sounds crazy, for anyone who's reading this but thats what i feel. You know its like you worked the whole day, you get home and you get the well deserved rest or whatever you want to do, same like you can party all weekend cause you worked your ass of. But me... It's not even 3 weeks that i got home from London and stopped working, i already feel like my whole existence is useless. On the other hand i wouldn't do any kind of job, i want something what gets me forward in my life goals, something that i can be proud of, and thats the hard part. Well, i know i'm just overthinking again and probably tomorrow i'll raise my ass up and find some activity to do, friends to see, but still, i better figure out something i can do for myself :)

Sunday evenings like usual, always had some melancholic mood for me. Even ig we just take the fact that the weekend is over and even the whole week is over, and oh my god, sunday is a metaphor that everithing is over, and i just start thinking about all the thing thats over in my life, all things i lost all pain i got, and all the things that i still havent done, Nd im still closer to zero than to one, to being somebody. This sunday is not different, every sunday since i started to think so like for 18 years from now on, brings me the same old, bitter feels. And im just wondering how is it possible that all the thing i planned, all the thing i promised myself to do and achieve are so far away from me. What can i do now, i just lying on my bed try to think, but i cant. I cant even talk more than two words with my own father, and its not because i dont like him, i love him, only i cant take when he speaks to me like im the worst son a father ever could have. I just cant, i considered myself a rather strong guy emotianally after all i took and survived the past 2 years, but still I feel like, i will never be strong enough to listen words, claiming that after all i did, i still a piece of shit. Because i could feel down sometimes, but one thing for sure i know i’m not a piece of shit. I know it will end up like all sunday night, time will fix it, brings monday for me and i will be strong enough to live, knowing that i survived a shitload of sundays ;)

I cant really understand why people dont like the day after a hard party where you drank and you danced. First of all you sleep like there’s nothing else to do, you want , you give all yourself to your bed, and dreams find you in seconds ;) . And then you wake up, and you feel what sleeping did to you. You can feel all your body, your muscles, every single part of you, cause you used it the night before, not just regular boring laziness but you rock !! At least in my case, cause if I go to party i make it damn sure that i enjoy and give 100% to it. So for me there’s nothing sweeter than waking up after a hard night, i feel so mortal and yet so powerful myself, which gives me a soul-boost for the rest of the day!

So today i went to have fun with two of my pretty good friends Reka and Steve and we had pretty much fun together just 3 of us. We met and drank vodka to have the basic mood for any other party. Well it went good if we dont consider that Steve constantly made comments on Reka's behavior nowaday saying that she might pick up more guys then she should, but hey she's young but whatever. Rekk and Steve have their own past. We went to a kaeroke party first but it was bornig so we ended up in one of the popular disco in Budapest called , Doboz. So we danced and enjoyed the night, drunk or illuminated how you imagine, it was pretty good. But then Reka found herself some guy to fun which was i think normal but on the other hand Steve and even a little bit, i have to admit, me could take harder than we should so we ended up leaving the place and even Reka alone with some random guy. I regret that in the minite we left but what could i do. I trust Reka she is one of my best friend, she can take care of herself. Altough she left some doubts in my heart cause i really care about her, but i knew i have to take Steve home cause he's able to do crazy stuff. Now im sitting on the train, heading home with Steve by my side but only hoping there's everithing alright with Rekk cause she is fakin' important to me. :/

Lately i found a new series which just got me more then it should have. Its called Selfie, and starring Karen Gillian and John Cho. And what got me in this series, that it doesnt want to be more than it is. It not about supernatural stuff or you know that deep emotional drama. It is what it is . Its just life in these times where noone can live without social media and their phones in their hands and wireless internet connection, it so simple that its just easy for you to adapt what it wants to say. And thats why i like it, only one season of 20-minutes-long episodes, that doesnt require to be a philosopher to understand and you will just enjoy this rom-com sesson. Don't get me wrong i like deep stuff, but sometimes all you need is just some Selfie ;) and Karen is just gorgeous in every single frame ;P

Me and my !!22!!-year-old Sis :3

Soo yesterday was my sister’s birthday and first i have to say that i wasn’t really into birthday celebrations before. When i was younger i was rather anti-soicial than partyrockin’ . Until now all my birthdays were quiet, celebrating with only my closest friends or not even with them but all alone just wait for it to be passed. I also hid my date of birth from facebook so i could avoid all the BD wishes on my timeline from people who would never known that i have birthday if there’s no face. So in results i had pretty lame birthdays, on my 16th even my own mother forgot that i had birthday, but at least my father and my step-mother granted me a cake so they do remembered my day. (sweet sixteen huh?!?). Even my 18th was shitty i just moved from my father to my gf’s house that time, my gf tried to organise a surptise party for me but it almost failed perfectly cause she forget to tell me anything like not to plan for that saturday, seriously at least she could just told the “romantic day together” bullshit so i just dont plan anything else. Anyway in the end it was pretty fair with around 6-8 people, but not that sooo big party what an 18th BD celebration should be. Now that i look back the biggest problem with all of these was my attitude. It was like i expected everyone to be super excited about me while i acted like i dont give a f*** about the whole thing. What did i thought?!?! Well now i have to admit i was wrong and there wont be any 16th or 18th birthday and it was me who ruined for myself. But you learn from your faults, dont you? Well back to my sister, with all the things i learned from my previous experiences, i just tried to enjoy my sister’s big day even if i probably won’t know most of her friends and we couldn’t be more different. And i did. I have to say i enjoyed my sister’s birthday, we get to talked a little and she haven’t said too much words about me being the shittiest brother ever :D . I have to admit she kinda have right but i can honestly tell i love my sister, what else my whole family, i simply dont feel like one of them, its like i was adopted sometimes. Im sure its gonna change with time;)