Your ability to make frank assessments about your situation becomes compromised, because, well, when you're under attack who's going to stay still and go "Let me think this through?" Of course you're going to panic. The phone call isn't just unpleasant, it's potentially life-ruining. Someone is going to think you're dumb and that's going to be TRUE and then I guess you die or something except dying would be better. The book isn't just gross, it's actively coming for you, tainting your mind with the memory of its contents, it has RUINED you.

Obviously, you want to try avoiding danger whenever possible. So you create a world in which you avoid all dangerous things. Traveling? Well that's scary, what if you get robbed or lost? Better to avoid it (plus there are so many things to read, rules to remember, forms to fill out... it's just too much, it makes you uncomfortable, which means YOU'RE IN DANGER, what if you FORGET SOMETHING CRITICAL? Better to avoid). A new job? Well what if it's worse than your current one? You at least know the rules here. The unknown is so much more uncomfortable, which is DANGEROUS, so better to stay where you are. A dark-skinned foreigner? Do they even speak English? You don't know how you'd communicate. They don't know the laws here, surely? Plus what if other people think you're racist? It's so uncomfortable which means THEY ARE A DANGER. Best to avoid at all costs, keeping your bag clutched tightly to your chest. Vaccines? You don't really know what's in them. The explanations have a lot of words you don't understand,you said something that was kind of rude? UNCOMFORTABLE. THIS PERSON IS ATTACKING YOU. FIGHT OR FLIGHT. Someone says you were incorrect about something? DANGER. Someone says you reacted impulsively and seem to have misconstrued someone's words as a personal attack? YET ANOTHER ATTACK.

Eventually you lose yourself and become this. I don't even know. This totally reactive thing, unable to think analytically about anything (which is uncomfortable and a danger), unable to assess harms, unable to encounter anything new without having a meltdown. And none of it is a real escape because, well, you've created a life defined entirely by aversion to discomfort, which is the most uncomfortable life you can possibly imagine. Of course such people end up falling into fascist ideas about Why Your Life Sucks. When you build a life around trying to maintain as comfortable an equilibrium as possible, you cauterize the parts of you capable of growth, expansion, creativity, learning; at the same time, the knowledge of your own stuntedness is haunting so best not to think about that either. The world becomes this horrifying mirror maze where the only way to survive without offing yourself is by projecting your flaws onto others, bitterly externalizing your self-hatred (who could live like this and NOT hate themselves) just to avoid turning it inward. You end up living like a hollowed-out sea urchin

A lot of people I've met seem to think that mental healthiness is characterized by a lack of discomfort whatsoever, and are therefore justified in building a life where all discomforts can be avoided. On the one hand, I completely understand the impulse. Lord knows I have had colossally shitty times and wished I could just retreat into bed and fall asleep for as long as needed for everything to blow over. But like. You also have to understand that that's a fantasy, not a solution. When you have grown up living a crap life with nothing but discomfort, the ability to avoid it feels like exercising autonomy. But you really do have to be careful about making this your life ethos. I know so many people who have lapsed into total learned helplessness, so consumed by discomfort (mentally catastrophized into dangers) re: looking dumb, looking rude, looking X, looking Y that they just. Idk. Don't do anything except be bitter. You don't have to be that way. The solution isn't "tough it out" because that's also just a manifestation of your inability to handle discomfort. I also hesitate to say the solution is to focus on how much better your life will be when you do X and Y, because the entire point of the inability to handle discomfort is that it constantly manifests in precluding the possibility of even wanting X and Y in the first place since to want it and not be able to do it IS in itself another source of discomfort.

I make a distinction between "enduring/tolerating discomfort" and "toughing it out" for a few, entirely connotative reasons:

1) I don't adore the use of the phrase "toughing it out" because it isn't as though failure to do so is because someone's a huge weenie or anything. The dividing line between the capacity to handle discomfort vs incapacity has less to do with toughness as it does being armed with effective coping skills and willingness to engage in controlled exposure

2) Oftentimes, "toughing it out" IS a failure to tolerate discomfort. There's a sort of hypermasculine posturing that you see across genders where their inability to deal with discomfort manifests in very ostentatious displays of machismo to deny they feel ANY discomfort at all. It's the same underlying psychological problems, but their brains are stuck in "Fight" mode constantly. You see this a lot with super aggro people, people who can't have civil disagreements without screaming, people who think any display of vulnerability is gay or soy or whatever. If you say you're dealing with something difficult, it's met with sneering disdain and loud dismissal about your softness. It, too, comes from an inability to deal with the discomfort! (Especially the inability to deal with being perceived as uncomfortable)

Upstairs neighbour parked his car too close to mine again? Sucks, but whatever, I can deal with needing thirty seconds more to get going. Why even bother getting upset, it's not worth it.

Landlord refuses to fix the leaky sink? A problem, but not an existential one. When I have the time, I'll sit down, weigh up the effort and cost of fixing it myself vs. writing a demand letter or getting a renter's association lawyer involved.

Boss is an alcoholic and comes to work drunk and violent? Get the fuck out of there ASAP, look for a different job, organise with coworkers, etc.

Because discomfort isn't a monolith.

And learning to differentiate between them is a crucial skill, because it allows you to prioritise things that need you to act and dismiss stuff that's just bothersome. And in doing so, you think about them. When you classify something as "problem, worse than bothersome, but not a threat", you're thinking about why it makes you uncomfortable and what you can do about that.

And every now and then, you will realise the thing that's bothering you doesn't bother you, actually, there's a different reason.

Sorting discomfort into these categories (or any other that help you) forces you to engage with it at least a little bit and take a second glance at what the issue is.

There is no one-size-fits-all solution for things that bother us. A lot of the time, the solution is just "breathe in, breathe out, get over it", but not always. Sometimes it's recognising that it doesn't concern you, especially if it's stuff about other peoples lives/relationships/food/sex that squick you out. Sometimes it's "I should maybe work on the underlying issue here". Sometimes it actually is "wow, this is bad and I need to do something about it".

But the first step is to think about it and break that paralysis. And the small step of "is this irritating, bad, or terrible" gets that stone rolling.

When they meyowl pathetically for more food, it's not because they're trying to "trick" you into feeding them again. They just want to be fed, and they're smart enough to notice the correlation between certain sounds they make and the responses they get from you.

They've figured out that if they want to communicate to you that they want more food, if they make those pathetic sounds, you're more likely to behave as if you've understood what they're trying to communicate.

When your cat waits for you to look away then yoinks food off of your plate, it's not because they love crime. It's because they're social colony creatures who instinctively share food with each other and they don't understand why you're not sharing the best foods with them.

Your cats are very intelligent, social creatures who see you as their Very Strange sibling.

They've learned how to make intricate sounds just to communicate with their humans. When the sounds they make elicit the responses they want, they learn that those sounds are the most effective way to communicate their desires.

Came across this image on Pinterest. WHEN I TELL YOU MY VISION BLACKED OUT FOR A SECOND. THIS MAN IS SO FINE. The little belly pouch? The crooked teeth? The little smirk? OOUGH IM IN MY KNEES!!!!!! MOLLYMAUK I LOVE YOU

Thank you for bringing this into the world

We were asked all these questions about how long the costumes took us, how we did it, etc. 

I paused the video right when we were asked how much money we spent on our cosplays and

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