A Re-Vision of [KioKei]âThe only constant is change.
//MAJOR SPOILERS FOR YEAR 2//
I'm sure everyone is sick and fed up of the topic of these two being constantly brought up, but it really drives me crazy that the bond between them gets written off just because of their break up. That was a route we already knew was clear cut. However, it was never meant to overwrite the journey that the two took to reach there. It never could. Itâs the journey that counts and not the inevitability of the breakup.
Because, between those two was a chemistry much more complex and meaningful than it appeared on the surface level. Due to the simple fact that both of them were corrupted by external forces and literally abandoned who they are.
Though their stories went down different paths, it still lead them back to the same self destructive behaviors. One that mirrored each other as these two are two pieces of a larger whole. Because Kei, in her own way, was just as damaged as Ayanokouji.
And by that extension, they had shared the same cynical, and embittered worldview.
Thus, I want to officially talk about it. However this subreddit is heavily bias against them now(which I do understand) but I don't mind getting downvoted or flamed. So downvote away, but downvotes doesn't make this truth any less valid.Â
All that said, there's a lot that needs to be unpacked here, and where best to start than to characterize both parties involved and their relationship.
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Unlike all the other students in her class, Kei Karuizawa can be said to be the most defective of the bunch. While she does not have that rotten of a character, Kei, at first glance, appeared to us as a character who was impulsive, selfish and irresponsible, controlling in a childish way and a bit manipulative. She was a academically average mean girl with narcissistic tendencies, and came off as both headstrong and highly judgmental/opinionated as well as a clingy and boastful girlfriend.
These traits of hers becomes even more glaring when she is separated from those she is close to and that's when her strong will paranoia sets in, but is also vulnerable to cracks. It is not like she isn't all of that but she needs to appear larger than life. In spite of her high standing among her peers. It is all necessary for her survival. To veil that which terrorizes her and is the bane of her existence. She crafted a persona well enough that it contained nuggets of her true self, but not the entire whole of her past identity as Kei Karuizawa. To at least hide the deeply seeded insecurities that were 'engraved' in her 'self.' The darkest point in her life where she was violently and aggressively bullied.
You see, during her time in middle school, Kei was an unwitting victim of bullying. She was abused physically, mentally and emotionally by her classmates. Her said abusers would dump dirty water on her while she used the toilet, punched and kicked her and filmed it so they could spread it around the class for laughs. make her pick up garbage that was on the ground with her mouth and eat it, they would even put animal corpses on her desk and forced her to lick their shoes. Kei endured humiliation, after humiliation, and had her sense of self and personality destroyed and twisted. The physical representation of this, showcased as a scar on her body. The accumulation of all that experience.
For someone who has been through what she has, it goes without saying she developed some kind of trauma response. A mentally unhealthy lifestyle/attitude based purely on the urge to protect herself from any kind of abuse or intimidation. And in her case that was to latch onto someone with a high social status to enhance her own; Like a parasite, a weak creature that can not survive on its own and needs others in order to survive.
An exaggerated and extreme expression of distorted thinking which employed an Avoidance coping mechanisms to reduce anxiety and maintain a sense of self-control. By masking up the unacceptable feelings and impulses with maladaptive coping mechanisms she could just enough piece herself together to replicate a functional person of society. Just not to feel afraid of being seen without the sparkle. To be viewed as exceptional, impressive and not a hot mess.
This parasitic codependency on a 'savior' figure was a subconscious defense mechanism which automatically protected her skewered perception of self where through intrusive thoughts, she vied herself as helpless, full of shame and guilt, defiled and disgusted and believes she is completely separate from other human beings. However, like the Vulnerable subset of narcissists, she would show glimpses of this vulnerability, even opening up to an extent, as long as itâs safe and strategic to do so. Even if in the end that linked her perception of her current self with her previous ego. Because, no matter what kind of method she needs to use or the sacrifices she needs to make, as long as she comes out with her secret protected, she would do it.
Deceiving everyone around her, friends, and family alike. Even herself if must as long as it strives for internal consistency and maintains some semblance of normalcy.
Holding the leader board, Ayanokouji can be said to be the most broken among his class. Not broken in the sense of defective or a damaged, but plain and simply, broken. He may be the most physically and academically gifted among his peers but under toning that is a deeply scarred and traumatized individual. A child, who in order to facilitate his messed up rearing, predisposed himself towards what it means to be human and became fully identified with his intellect.
Ayanokouji range of emotions stand somewhere between apathetic and psychopathic. He can be accurately described as intelligent, crafty, and manipulative. He is highly socially inept but socially knowledgeable, pragmatic, and as practical as they come yet still wishfully hopeful and naive. A walking contradiction of a human being who is in a constant fight of logic vs emotions.Â
He can be best viewed as a neurotic high functioning sociopath; one who was conditioned from since childhood into developing psychopathic tendencies. This is caused by none other than his deeply troubling upbringing from within The White Room. Even though, technically their goal was to produce the highest crops of geniuses to run the world. It just so happened as a consequence of such, someone with Anti Personality disorder had best fit that bill.
This complex emotional layering of a non-empathetic kid devoid of impulse control reminds one a lot like child soldiers; with his his superior intellectual, high neuroplasticity, and physical abilities being a weapon. I haven't read V0 yet but it doesn't seem that far of a stretch. To say that he suffered different kinds of abuse such as mental, physical and emotional probably wouldn't encapsulate everything. But those examples should be enough to highlight why he likely turned to the maladaptive coping of dissociation in order to regulate his struggling emotions.
Kids don't have fully-developed brains, and many don't have fully-developed empathy until later down in life, so those highly completive conditions in the White Room must have put active selective pressure against empathy; hence, to compartmentalize his trauma, Ayanokouji gained the distorted thinking to purge himself of emotions and use intelligence to survive. Effectively turning him into someone with Anti Personality disorder to protect himself.
That is how he ended up beating the White Room, and became 'The Perfect Human'. No. he excelled even more than that and got titled, 'The Monster of the White Room'. There is exactly where his mindset/ethos of wining and that everyone is a pawn became this deeply instilled dogma.
This goes without saying but nothing about their relationship was ordinary.
From a meta perspective their relationship can be seen as something of an allegory for dysfunctional coping mechanisms. A relationship between two whose child selves were damaged and scarred because of their respective traumas. And, it is within that fact, what's basically tethered them together. Both from Ayanokouji's side of things and Kei's as there are actually a lot more complex histories and backstories which affects how they perceive relationships and how they expressed affection towards one another.
But a relationship born through trauma systemically repeats that familiar cycle.
When Ayanokouji met Kei, at the beginning of year 1, both were wearing a mask. A praiseworthy facade as you would call it, able to dupe the majority of their peers into perceiving them in a particular way. However, as keen observers as their trauma created them to be, they were able to deduce that the other had more to them than either let on. Something of a hidden darkness.
Unsurprisingly, Ayanokouji was the first to take notice of this. He zeroed in on Kei's weakness, exploited it and turned her parasitic nature onto himself. For she was a very valuable pawn. Kei had a sharp mind and high emotional intelligence. She was intuitive and has amazing communication skills, a remarkable ability to read the environment and a high enough standing on her own to control it. But most of all, she had something of an uncanny knack to sense and interpret the actions and motives of Ayanokouji and is also able to communicate with him just via eye-contact alone.(Those last part were something he discovered after the fact) All he had to do was offer protection to her in exchange for the switch of host.
But their relationship didn't end there. Everything was business work as to Ayanokouji their relationship was more transactional in nature than emotional. He was taught that winning was everything, and deeply believes so himself. It makes sense him lacking human empathy. It makes sense him having no remorse, It makes sense for him observing himself objectively like a outsider looking in to view himself being completely devoid of humanity.
He is uncaring, unyielding, someone with no morality, is selfish, ambitious and a person that is incapable of love or compassion.
He knows he can not escape his nature.
However, there is a part of him that want's more. To regain what was lost and become human; not an unfeeling psychopathic monster who only looks out for his own personal needs.
Thus the contradiction that is Kiyotaka Ayanokouji.
A existence split into two pieces. Logic vs Emotions. A being in search for the emotions that he was missing out on the whole time. As beyond that stock and stoic expression was someone who yearned for change and self-improvement. And in that obsession to become human, it lead him to the idea of a romantic relationship with Kei.
By our understanding of Ayanokouji he doesn't make emotional decisions. He is someone who only looks out for his own interest. However, the core integrity of their bond is based on a true genuinity in wanting her to heal from her scars. Shaped from that single moment in Y1V4.5.
His intentions were for her to get to a new type of normal. In the hope that in the gratification of helping her heal from her trauma, she would act as a vehicle for his development and he would reacquire feelings.
She was something to learn from, A book of love--Kei Edition. Highlighting that their relationship isn't on equal ground and was lopsided.
Of course this isn't denying the fact that the two of them learned from each other. It's made pretty clear that Kei grew to be a practically better person because of Ayanokouji's influence. Over the course of the their relationship, Kei underwent a great deal of character development, and became someone very different from her old self. She starts to come out from her trauma base shadow, taking various initiatives on her own, and even started to be comfortable with herself, other people and her scar. While Ayanokouji learned about socializing and romance, what it means and entails, what to do and not to do, how to act and the particulars in putting someone needs first above himself.
They both became stronger for it.
The two built upon each others story and plot, and continued the exploration of their desires and wants. But those mostly true intentions blinded them from seeing what they were actually doing, and that was defaulting back into old bad habits.
Kei with her co-dependency and Ayanokouji with his dissociation.
While Kei has shown willingness to come out of her shell in spite her trauma, what we've seen from her is that Ayanokouji appears as this stoic, other worldly knight in shining armor. He is put on a pedestal as some kind of amazing person. Someone who she could not imagine as weak or pathetic. An idealized version that is painted as an overpowered image where he could never break or falter. A prince, a knight, a hero, a figure who would always protect and take care of her.
Yet, adding to the paradoxical nature of it all, she also believes in him more from the person the person who âsaved herâ. She wants to know his past, his short comings, his goals for the future, his likes and dislikes, anything and everything that can be known about him. She want's to see who he is beyond that wall he sets up. Just as he did for her back then.
This communicated desire of wanting to understander Kiyotaka was her way of becoming his 'savior' figure.
Kei was a loving girlfriend, caring and devoted; she wanted the best for Ayanokouji and understood his manipulation schemes came from a weird place of kindness. Through it all, in a way that was rare, endearing, and tender, she loves, treasures and sticks with him for who he is, his true character, and that is without any doubt.
Kei is incredibly perceptive, and she is aware of Koji's flaws and thoughts, probably even more than she is about herself but those feelings, even if it changes shape or form, made her gained an overreliance on that unique perception of Ayanokouji; and that only served to nuanced her response to trauma into attachment and insane abandonment issues.
Without realizing it, it mixed in with all the societal expectations between a boyfriend and a girlfriend, resulting in something warped, hindering her growth as a person and individual.
She had accepted that he was not a ordinary person when his mask came off and she saw his true self. But then she became preoccupied with being someone special to Ayanokouji, and that unconsciously allotted total power to him.
At that point it isn't a good character trait, but a flaw. That unwavering support was an issue where she no longer made choices, but instead became led like a pawn.
It blunted what made her so special, and that was her ability to read Ayanokouji and see the clear picture of his actions.
Understandably, those complicated set of emotions stemmed from the fact that she never had a real boyfriend, and was fairly new to these kinds of things. She isn't sure how real couples are supposed to behave. But she knows this feeling of being love compensates for something she lacks and hates within herself.
Like a emotional reward system she gets just not to feel alone anymore. To fill that void. Because, somewhere deep down in her heart, she internalized a very dangerous equation, to be loved is to be safe and to be safe is to be valued.
With that in mind lets talk a little about Kiyotaka's and Kei's romantic life leading up to the point of their inevitable break up.
From my recollection of Kiyotaka's and Kei's romance they were a pretty solid and cute couple. Relationships and emotions are not always straight-forward nor are they in plain black and white, but I think everyone can unanimously agrees that they developed into a much better dynamic than originally thought possible. One where they had many shared moments of enjoying each others company, teasing one another, and getting to know each other.
This isn't to suggest that their relationship was perfect or anything, it was something very toxic and twisted, no matter how you broke it down and looked at it. But leaving aside whether it was healthy or not there was a sense of, how you say it, 'sincerity' if that makes sense.
The foundation of their relationship was unique and interesting, even though it is twisted, and there seems to exist this weird theme of rehabilitation surrounding them; which was honestly one of the most defining aspect of their bond. They each wants to free themselves and the other of this shared darkness that haunts them both [though Kei side of this is rather understated compared to Kiyotaka]Â
love isn't something that only has one answer. We all perceive it in our own ways, and we discover it through our own means and experiences; and slowly but surely we saw them have this desire for connection. This want to be closer to one another and become each others "irreplaceable existence".
Both are struggling to understand the true nature of love and its power to influence their lives. They both worked towards deepening their trust and their bond even if that in the end blindsided them into understanding their partners love but not their own. As theirs was a relationship born from a lack of experience. A bond between two broken soul who learnt that their newfound emotional closeness was still clumsy, because despite everything, despite all their growth, and their experience, their relationship was still very immature and young.Â
So, for the most part, everything in year 1 and the early parts of year 2 was pretty much the calm before the storm. The honeymoon phase. Until year 2 volume 9 rolled in and things got complicated between the two.
For context, Ayanokoji had informed Kei he would be spending his day off with Ichinose. Of course Kei was uncomfortable with it and relayed such to Ayanokoji which he didn't acknowledge. A small discourse ensued and as a result of it both Aanokoji and Kei went on a short break; which he described as being in a cold war.
Many complications started festering from then forth to cut the long story short, and as Ayanokoji said in his monologues at each of those times, he could of mend Kei's worries or at least smoothed things over with her, but he rather not. He chose to let things run their course to see how it would affect both him and her.
The implication being here that the issues Kei and Ayanokouji are going through were external and not internal, or even potentially inherent to them as a couple (aka, that theyâre just not a good fit). The actual âinternalâ problems they were facing was really Ayanokouji himself and what was inherent to his nature.
He was pretty matter-of-fact about the sabotages in the subsequent volumes. Same as when they made up in volume 9.5 and official broke up in Chapter 5 of Y2V12.5.
Now, lets talk about the elephant in the room shall we...
Kiyotaka's and Kei's break up.
嚝 (Gen): fantasy; phantasm; vision; dream; illusion; apparition
ćłÂ (sĹ): to think; to believe; to suppose; to wish; to want; to miss (feel wistful about the absence of "somebody" "someone," "something")
"ĺšťćł" also written as (Gensou), when translated is defined as either "illusion," "fantasy," or "delusion". It signifies the false perception of reality and the misinterpretation of what is perceived. Meaning that in some form or the other there is a suggestive nature of self-deception, and a added layer of expectations that are not aligned with reality.
In that sense, Chapter 5 constructed this heighten sense of impending heartbreak, immediately cluing the readers into the central theme of the chapter: The struggle with illusion and reality.
However, while it is important to remember and acknowledge such when reading the said chapter, things only really became amiss in part 2 of chapter 5---The act of the break up. Other than that, both the opening scene and part 1 played itself pretty straight laced. It used writing that didn't had any deviations from the norm of Ayanokouji perspective and focused on the same old already established internal conflicts, thoughts, feelings, and observations that plagued his consciousness.
It is only when Ayanokouji and Kei leaves the movie theater, that the story presented itself in an kind of oddly ambiguous and abstract fashion with; heavy emphasis on the use of words like "lovers' "partner," "their' "they," and "them," in reference to Kei rather than her name; the poignant emotionally charged internal monologues and the lack of any gender specific "I" [until the words, "lets break-up." is actually spoken] when looking at the raw's.
Side note: In the Japanese language there are several ways to say "I," each with varying levels of formality, gender associations, and usage context. The most common and neutral form is what was mostly used throughout part 2(well implied so). But, generally the basic grammatical structure of things is to at least establish the speaker's gender-specific phrase for "I" then utilize the gender-neutral form.
For almost everyone part 2 was most definitely the most confusing. But after many re-reads, the general consensus is that at some point, the narrative shifted over to Kei and we experience the entire scenario from her point of view although filtered through the false lens of Ayanokouji.
A delusional daydream that highlights Kei's state of mind and suggest that she is living in a fantasy, clinging to a hope that was ultimately unrealistic. To a relationship that was, in some ways, an illusion and perhaps idealized, creating a false narrative of love and happiness.
And those spoken words of "Lets break-up" was the moment when that illusion got shattered and there was a confrontation with a harsh reality.
The title added a dreamlike and surreal quality to the chapter that suggested that the events were not entirely grounded in reality, and that everything experienced was a distorted perception of the situation.
A fitting conclusion on all levels, and one that many cannot ignore as there is evidence that suggests such.
But, I invite a little debate on a certain point: Ayanokouji is not just the puppet master, but; he is also a participant in the illusion.
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(Please note this is more my take. You can either hear me out and let me cook or dismiss my points and refer to me as a hopeless Kei fan. I only asks everyone to be skeptical and open minded.)
Let me also preference this by saying that what is being challenged here is the dictation of that one-sided view that many have. It closes off and stops any further deliberation and views things on a surface level. This is not to choose a side per say but instead kind of open the gates to an alternative line of thinking. And maybe re-contextualize the chapter titled, 'Illusion', in the public eyes.
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You see, "ĺšťćł" is a complex word with multiple layers of meaning. The most common translations being:
Illusion:Â This is a core meaning, representing a false perception or belief.
Fantasy:Â This refers to a creation of the imagination, often a wishful or idealized scenario.
Delusion:Â This implies a persistent belief that is contrary to reality.
Vision:Â This can refer to a mental image or a prophetic insight.
Dream:Â This captures the idea of a hope or aspiration.
And these various meanings of "ĺšťćł" are all relevant to not just Kei but also to the scenario, the readers perception of the the tile, the take away and Ayanokouji as well; as his actions, especially in the context of the chapter 5, directly supports the core idea of his character.
Now, first of all, there is no need to argue how Kei knew about the break up beforehand. Whether it was intentional or not Ayanokouji's repetitive dismissal of her and their relationship ultimately acted as massive red flags. Plus, it was noted in y2v11 during the scheduling of their movie date that something about Ayanokouji expression caused Kei smile to freeze. The importance of such thoughts isn't unnecessary per se but It does underscore her emotional perceptiveness to claim she didn't notice the many signs.
Regardless, none of that changes the fact that she clung to the illusion of their relationship despite the growing cracks.[The fear of confronting the truth of their predicament]
However, while one had their illusion shattered and destroyed, the other had theirs maintained/re-enforced.
The opening of Chapter 5 began with Ayanokouji reflecting on his relationship with Kei. The narrative seemed cold and almost scientific; as if he were analyzing an experiment each event was described objectively, without emotion, and broken down materialistically, purely goal driven.
That was, until he moved to exit his room.
And...there was a introspection of a pleaful hope vs a innate belief.
To Ayanokouji there was a desire for change, but also a understanding of the foreseen outcome. [V11.5 foreshadows that funnily enough]
As he said on that same page:
I had a strong desire to resist my own thoughts and future predictions
But that in and of itself is an illusion of self-deception; because the core being of Kiyotaka Ayanokouji is self-serving, revealing a tragic nature of prioritizing his wants over others, his own ambition, his own feelings, and his own desire for control, even if it means causing pain to someone he once cherished. His is a story about the long-term impacts of unaddressed trauma.
A cognitive delusion where the cost is a mask that removes humanity.
All to obtain freedom. A vision of the future where he is successful, independent, and free from his fathers control or anyone's for that matter. He is willing to sacrifice the present to achieve this dream, his feelings even, for what he perceives as a greater good or a more advantageous outcome for himself.
In essence, Kiyotaka recognized that he had already made his decision and there was nothing that could have been done to change it. He would prioritizes his long-term goals, whatever they may be, over this immediate emotional desires.
The idea of that was a constructed reality, a wishful scenario he has built for himself like the fantasy where he believes he can control events, emotions, and people. That was a false perception of reality, as he is unable to control his own feelings or the outcome entirely.
Yet, he would still cling to his plan, even when confronted with those cluster of emotions; and his actions and thoughts contradicting themselves.
 This acceptance is reflected in the phrases "ăăăăăăŁâââ" (Ah, I'm glad) to the abrupt cut of "ăĺĽăăă" (Let's break up.)
Kiyotaka's decision to break up despite his feelings signifies that he values control, his own goals, and perhaps a fear of vulnerability, above his emerging emotional connection with Kei. It is a testament to his calculated nature, his strategic thinking, and his willingness to sacrifice personal happiness for what he believes is a more desirable outcome.
But most of all, it is a sign of how deeply invested he is in his own "ĺšťćł."
Whether his actions were motivated by the idea of freedom, by a desire to protect himself, or even by a combination of both, Ayanokouji had deluded himself into thinking he was in complete control.
In conclusion, the word "ĺšťćł" is perfectly suited to describe Ayanokouji's character. It encapsulates his belief in control, his strategic planning, his emotional detachment, and his potential for self-deception. It is a word that represents his constructed reality and the potential for that reality to crumble under the weight of genuine emotion.
Overall, the title of Chapter 5 is brilliant and captured a beautifully written and emotionally charged scene. It is clear that Kinu had put a lot of thought into writing it. Even up to the ambiguity that adds a layer of complexity to the story, making it thought-provoking(the Japanese is certainly more ambiguous). He leaves room for multiple interpretations, leaving the reader to decide whether Kiyotaka truly loved Karuizawa or if she's the one simply trying to protect herself from emotional pain. It's all up to the reader to decide, drawing their own conclusions about the characters' motivations and the true nature of their relationship.
The title lingers in the mind long after the story is finished, prompting a reflection, introspection, and exploration of the complexities of love, illusion, and self-deception. It's a title that invites the reader to delve deeper into the story and consider the deeper meanings behind the word, "ĺšťćł".
I believe when trying to understand a characters motives, actions, intentions and psyche dynamics, you cant just treat their moments as a collection of stand alone scenes devoid of context. You canât just say - âwell hereâs a scene where they do or say this so obviously everything before and after that simply amounts to this." No. That's what's called recency bias.
You have to look at what purpose these scenes serve in the greater narrative overall. How they reflect a characters mental state, story, and their psychology; put simply, how it gives you insight into their conscious and subconscious thought process.
These considerations aren't something unique to unreliable narrators like Ayanokouji, but are still important to note nonetheless, as his grander narrative when it concerns Kei, is to rid her of her trauma responses and learn about the opposite sex.
Ayanokouji had meticulously planned his relationship with Kei. He created a narrative where he was the strategic mastermind, guiding her growth, healing her wounds, improving her level of self worth and personal values, while at the same time learning about love.
Their relationship began, grew and ended with his manipulation.
Though it is never brought up, which is weird since this is rather important, there, in Y2V9, cracks began to form in that image; back when they had their first serious fight in Y2V9, and made up in Y2V9.5.
To start off with, first letâs consider the context before the fight happened.
Kanzaki and his classmates had proposed Ayanokouji have a chat with Ichinose. They made mention Ichinose has a thing for him and inform him he could exploit those feelings for them to get what they want. However, Kei was brought up as a hindrance to the said plan. When asked how he would handle it, Ayanokouji stated he would make Kei understand.
So in that vein, he told her the truth. Of who he is meeting and why he was doing so. But not of how it plays in his grand plan. And that, along with his insensitive behavior, and the fact it would just be him and Ichinose meeting, didn't sit well with her Kei.
In the end, their relationship went on break. And what resulted from the accumulation of those reasoning, was a rift which served the ulterior motive of helping along things with Ichinose; as well as to give an opportunity to experience a lovers spat.
Now that we've gotten the history breakdown out of the way, we have the proper context moving forward.
Which is to show thatâcontrary to how Ayanokouji presented his behavior during their rift, he did not remain unconflicted or unemotional.
It started like a drop of water on a ponds surface.
I could have told her that it was over, but I would meet her at school tomorrow either way.
If I were to put forward an explanation then, that should be more than plenty.
So I decided to leave it as it is without any contact today.
AFEW DAYS HAD passed since Kanzaki's and Ichinose's student council issue came to an end.
We can kind of guesstimate but probably his plan to mend things over with Kei went haywire. Perhaps because he underestimated Kei's ability to hold a grudge even towards him, or maybe he wanted Kei to be the one to engage the conversation, either ways, the break got lengthen and escalated to the point where Ayanokouji himself considered their predicament to be akin to a cold war.
âBy the way, Karuizawa-san hasnât been well lately. Sheâs been working hard on her studies, but is there something wrong?â
âNothing. If I had to say, we may be in something resembling a bit like a cold war.â
âI wouldn't call it nothing. It's rare to see you two fight.â
âIt happens when a man and a woman have been together for a long time. I know that well from experience.â
Horikita raised her eyebrows and looked doubtful, as if she didn't like my answer.
âIt's a good thing that she was able to get results in the study sessions and in the competition, even though she was in an unstable state of mind.â
âIt was said that she was so mentally cornered that she devoted herself to studying which she dislikes... Karuizawa-san's morale can easily also affect the rest of our class. Make up with her as soon as possible.â
As a leader, you want to keep the class stable.
I saw Horikita off as she returned to the classroom and then I decided to leave.
A perfectly fitting analogue as, although Kei want's them to make up, she along with Ayanokouji had both been avoiding talking to each other.
After school on the day when Ryuuen and Ichinose, opponents in the upcoming battle, had a small altercation, Horikita invited me to a study group asusual, but naturally, I declined.
Kei had been paying attention to me while avoiding talking to me since this morning, and I had no plans for the rest of the day.
That was why I could devote my time to solving the troublesome problems that had been thrust upon me.
Yes, them both. Contrary to Ayanokouji seemingly being initially unfazed.
Kei was watching me the whole time.
After missing the opportunity yesterday, I hadnât heard from Kei until now.
However, she seemed to be trying to make contact with me, since she was looking at me right before I left.
If itâs hard to talk in a crowded place like this; we should relocate.
At the moment, Kei is still unstable and lacks a decisive factor for me to take action.
I canât expect her to grow if we continue to be estranged, so it canât be helped.
With this in mind, I decided to leave the classroom for a while, but...
âAre you going home alone?â
I went out into the hallway and the one who came running after me was not
The passage conveys a sense of emotional detachment and indifference; a hallmark of AyanokĹji's personality where he tends to engage in self-reflection and view's interactions through a lens of strategy and control, rather than pure emotion.
As I expected, there was no call from Kei on my cell phone, and she didnât seem to be waiting for me in the lobby.
I wonder if Kei will be able to keep her distance from me and diminish her relationship with me.
No, that was something I didn't need to think about yet.
As long as she acted as a hostâs parasite, she wouldnât be able to escape on her own and take independent action.
The elevator arrived on the first floor, so I planned to get on and go to the fourth floor.
I should concentrate on Kiryuuin's case rather than Kei's.
But beneath the surface of those detached and analytical approach to their situation, is this unacknowledged desire to resolve their grievances.
Kei quietly came near me and talked to me in a small voice.
âWell, I think it's about time for me to forgive you...â
She hesitantly brought up the topic.
But soon after, Horikita came to my seat.
âAyanokouji-kun, may I have a word?â
âI'm sorry, Horikita-san, can we do this later?â
âI wish I could do that, but unfortunately, it's a student council matter. Kiriyama wants us to gather in the student council room right now.â
As if to confirm that it was true, Horikita showed me the message on her cell phone.
Behind Horikita stood a smiling Kushida.
âSorry Kei, we'll talk after this is over. Call me anytime.â
âUmm... yes. Have a good day.â
To reconcile with each other and get back together. Something that is a matter of course for couples. But, what happened by the end of the volume, was that they were unable to reestablish their bond, due to the seeds Ayanokouji himself sowed with Ichinose.
So, whether deliberate or not, he welcomed winter break with them still in a funk. And that same water droplet propagated even more ripples; presenting itself as slight changes in behavioral patterns to chronic like ADHD and OCD fixation on anything materialistic.
Such as with the on sale yogurt maker, milk and Christmas cake.
KiryĹŤin had put it best;
âI laughed because you acted so much like a normal high school student. Insisting on a yogurt maker is unusual, but it wouldn't be odd if you replaced it with another desired product.â
âI see...â
From meticulous attention to detail for cleaning, exploring inside Keyaki Mall, and contemplating whether or not to invite someone to hang out, Ayanokouji relocates his attention to anything and everything to keep himself occupy.
When I woke up in the morning, I didn't particularly care and thought Iâd spend the whole day in my room.
This was because Kei was expected to recover soon. Her fever had already subsided, and she seemed to be gradually regaining her ability to move.
If Kei wished to restore our relationship in the future, then weâd return to how our relationship was before.
The room was clean enough, but there must have been dust and dirt in places I couldn't see.
I decided to thoroughly clean it up today. I lined up the cleaning supplies I prepared in advance on the table and started the battle.
So as not to face the fact that things have left his scope of control.
Originally, I was supposed to have a morning date with Kei.
Unfortunately, it was rainy, and the bad weather had continued since winter break. While it was a little disappointing, the forecast already predicted rain all day on Christmas, so no one hoped for clear skies.
I had no control over the weather, so there was no helping it. But there was something unexpected that happened.
I glanced at the calendar on my desk in my room. The December calendar, with a heart drawn in pink ink enclosing the dates 24th and 25th... but...
It happened last night, after the end of the second term.
I tried to contact Kei directly on the 24th, but the call didn't go through.
I waited for a while, sending messages, and waiting for a response, but they remained unread.
After about an hour of hesitation, I finally got a call back.
The first word I heard from Kei, who was coughing weakly but intensely, was âInfluenza.â
At the beginning of V9.5 Ayanokouji talked about how he had entered into the cold war with a plan of action, but due to the weather and outbreak of influenza all that went downhill and now he has an abundance of free time on his hand. Of which he spent acting like Y1V1 levels of goober.
The narrative is very much on Ayanokouji's side but Kinu had let us peek at his frightened core.
I felt like I was making excuses, but I wasn't lonely at all.
Just to be sure, I mentally repeated this to myself.
Because, contrary to Ayanokouji's claim, he's experiencing genuine feelings and struggling to maintain them.
On a side note, the image of her happily humming while leaving the room to join the New Year's gathering with her friends was still burned into my memory.
How true that may be is anyone's guess, however, what is for certain was what he acknowledged in Y2V10.
âNo, itâs nothing.â
I muttered this and started walking with her. The daily life of spending time with her was at least free from boredom.
Even if I was silent, Kei, who loved to chat, provided topics of the day on autopilot. However, I find myself increasingly distanced from the time I used to spend alone.
If asked if those days spent together were necessary or unnecessary, Iâd say
There is little talk or investment on this by readers but instead more focus in what followed in their actually make up scene; where AyanokĹji frequently questioned his own motives and feelings, pondering the meaning of love and relationships and dissects his feelings and the dynamics of his interactions.
Which he came to the conclusion that his heart never moved once in his time being with Kei.
After all, it is evident in the fact that he didn't feel the need for them to make up during their estrangement or for him to check up on her when she was sick.
His character remained consistent throughout their split. And gave no internal conflict which gives a more solid foundation to his introspective nature.
Yet...that doesn't aligns with the fact that he was deliberately playing coy. No. More like he treated it like a situation where he wanted to win. Think about, didn't he do something similar during the time when he had confessed to Kei. They were in a cold war after all. And he only regained his vigor back once he found out for certain that they would make up.
âBy the way... what about the question I asked earlier?â
âI remember it clearly.â
Surprisingly, Yamamura had a rather pushy side to her, or perhaps one of the walls between us had been removed.
âI'll make up with her properly. It's already planned.â
That is why I said, moments shouldn't be taken on there own, but viewed within the context of the whole narrative, as ultimately it reveals something which makes complete sense in retrospect.
That said, I would be remiss to say this could just be me talking out my ass. I mean such is the problem with trying to play armchair therapist with a fictional character. Itâs not like we can ask Ayanokouji himself why he did what he did (and even if we could, heâs not exactly the most reliable narrator in the world).Â
This is why I think Chapter 5 Y2V12.5 should gander more thought.
For example, Let's look at the phrase: "éŁăăăăŁă¨ç¨ăżă¤ăăŚăăäşş" (éŁăăăăŁă¨ç¨ăżă¤ăăŚăăäşş). This translates to "the person who was glaring from next door."
"éŁ" (éŁ) - This means "next door" or "neighboring." It doesn't necessarily mean the person was sitting in the seat right next to the narrator. They could have been in a seat a few rows over, or even in a different section of the theater.
"ăă" (ăă) - This is a particle that indicates a starting point or origin. It suggests the person was glaring from a location next to the narrator, not at the narrator directly.
However, the text doesn't explicitly state the person's location, so it's possible they were sitting right next to the narrator. It's up to the reader to interpret based on their own understanding of the situation.
In this case, we are convey a sense of distance and separation between the glaring person and the narrator. So the question then becomes now, would Kei really go through such meticulous descriptions?
And also, we must not forget Aanokouji's internal monologue on the night of his and Ichinose promise meeting.
From the moment I stepped into that room, my retreat had already been cutoff.
Yet at the same time, I was being drawn in by her unknown charm.
I thought I had finished needing to learn.
But perhaps, it had just been the beginning.
In that room, just the two of us, the night continued to darken.
It wasnât a ritual to become lovers.
If it were, it wouldnât have worked from the start.
It was an absolute contract, to be needed and to need the other.
And so, we were being bound together with that contract, sinking deeper and deeper, as we devoured each other endlessly.
Ayanokouji lies all the time, and all of his lies are deliberate, because even when he chooses to, he is incapable of actually being completely honest.
But, as Koenji displayed with his mirror, it is not something obvious to him.
Well, anyways, they broke up, and that's the cold hard fact of it all.
It was definitely a little bit Jarring and sad as a Kei fan to see how their storylines played out, but I can say with complete honesty I am glad it is over.
That was a long time coming.
I feel like if Kei and Ayanokouji had stayed together any longer, Kei would have carried on more baggage rather than loss any. TBH Iâm surprised she hadnât at that point. But it seems obvious with the way their relationship was going she wouldâve at some point, as the true nature of their connection was less about love and more about a shared history and a sense of comfort.
The best way to sum it up would be more akin to trauma bonding.
And that hit her no quicker than when Ayanokouji had expelled Sakura over Kushida in one of the exams. Someone he was close with even before he met her, and who had the utmost affection for him. Her trust in him wavered, and her behavior then forth can be seen as a reflection of that where she tries to reaffirm her place in his heart. Not unlike the time when she had asked Horikita to put her trust in Ayanokouji.
Even so, Kei still wanted to know all of him, just like she thinks he knows all of her. But the problem being depicted here is the absence of Ayanokouji commitment. He's hiding a crucial part of himself despite there not suppose to be any secrets between them.
All of this nuance, lost, as one of them changed while the other did not.
That I would say is the true heart of their issue. They didn't get to know each other for who they really were vs their idealized versions of their partner.
Ayanokogi couldn't see that Kei was more than someone to fix and the chance to feel again. While Kei on the other hand seems to have understood her feelings for him might not have budded naturally.
For sure, she even questioned when exactly did she started liking him.
By the start of their relationship Kei had really believed that she knew him. That she sees and loves the real boy behind all the masks. And that boy? He was just like her. A kindred spirit. Someone worth braving the storm for.
However, the reality of the situation is though, that the chance to heal is not guarantee. That, despite her giving him her all, he doesn't get better. Maybe it is because he was too badly hurt, maybe she was never good to begin with, or even worse maybe she just didn't do a good enough job.
Regardless, Kei was merely the catalyst of his journey. And not the end game.
She was the broken person he connected with, but not the one he could share being mentally vulnerable around.
If anyone I can really see Ayanokoiji doing that with, it would definitely be Horikita. And I think we all know that to be a fact. Thatâs because, she is ambitious, passionate and doesn't put him atop a pedestal. In spite everything she witness from him, she never stops challenging him.
He needs someone like her. Someone to be there and ground him. Someone he actually have things in common with and who share the same thirst for improvement as him.
But first they both have to mature a lot more. Ayanokouji more specifically. Because, being open to "unlearning" is absolutely essential for true learning to happen.
He is limited by this deeply rooted cognitive dissonance. That is stopping him from truly opening up communication.
To successfully navigate that fundamental grounding in reality there are three reactions available to him.
Ignore this new knowledge, and keep the old.
Determine the old knowledge is wrong, and accept this new knowledge.
Determine both pieces of information have merit and determine a way both works together.
Only then would he reach the complete maturity of his story.
I think this is a good place to call it. There is more I would like to go into detail with, but I will hold off on that for the time being. Anyway thanks for hearing me out. Peace.
