Trigger warnings:Â 18+, anxiety, strong language, therapy, undiagnosed/struggling with learning difficulty.Â
"I almost kissed a friend". The words sounded sweet on my lips as they filled the calm room that more than likely held more secrets than I could imagine.
I'd started to come to see Jenny a few months ago. Niall had suggested I try therapy after I had cried to him one night about feeling overwhelmed with my emotions and not being sure how to handle them.Â
It felt foreign to begin with, I struggled with the idea of opening up and talking to a stranger about my thoughts and feelings. But as time has rolled, I've become more comfortable in this space. It's safe and Jenny makes a lovely cup of tea.
"Okay...and how did that make you feel?". Jenny asked, no judgement in her voice. It was always like that, just soothing and full of comfort.Â
Jenny was an older lady, but her face still held youth as her short curly hair framed it. She was also so put tougher, matching blazer and trousers and her lipstick always in place.Â
I shrugged my shoulders, not understanding how I felt about it. "I guess I would like it but we were interrupted".Â
"If you feel comfortable to, can you explain what happened before you both almost kissed?". Jenny asked. I knew she was trying to get the bigger picture, words wasn't always my strong point but I'd noticed she would ask me to describe the situation and I think that helped.Â
My thoughts recalled back to yesterday afternoon and I relived the moment all over again.Â
It was late Thursday afternoon and Harry had offered me to go over to his place for him to help me with some assignments. It was not an offer I was going to decline because with a deadline approaching I needed all the help I could get.Â
With my bag packed with the studying essentials, including some sweet snacks, I walked the familiar route to the boys flat. I loved the area where we lived, it was near the city but still had that quietness edge to it where the streets weren't chaos with people.
I'd been feeling a lot happier within myself, my insides whispered calm and content. But this morning has been hard for me. The anxiety has hit me hard, knocking the breath out of my lungs.Â
I knew why the feeling had reappeared. I always knew why but it doesn't make it any easier. Except this time it wasn't a phone call from my mum, it was my dad. The most frustrating part about it is, I can remember the words that fell so easy from his mouth.Â
"Try harder Evie...the only thing you're succeeding in at the moment is being useless!".
The type of hurt that you could feel rise up and get stuck in the base of your throat.
Typically I would have made an excuse not to go over to Harry's if this had happened a few weeks ago. But I fought hard with myself not to settle into my stubborn routine of mopping in my bed for days and proving to my parents that they are right.Â
Luckily Harry's flat was only a few minutes walk for me. After the cold air hit my cheeks, I was grateful I had opted for the cream sweatshirt to keep me warm. I knocked a couple of times on the large painted blue door.Â
The door opened with force but the face greeting me was not the one I came here for. "Oh hey Evie...are you looking for Bella?". Louis moved aside to allow me to walk in, I lifted my tote bag to sit further up on my shoulder. It hadn't slipped but it was a way of keeping my fidgety hands busy.
I shock my head no before explaining. "Uh, no...I'm actually here to see Harry...we're going to study".Â
"He's in his room...go straight down". Louis told me. "We're all in the living room if you want to join us later".
"Yeah...sure...I'll see you later". I weakly smiled at him before he wandered into the living room, leaving me alone in the quiet hallway. Even this space screamed that five university students lived here. Multiple pairs of trainers scattered on the wooden floor, coats and jackets left hanging up and no sign of decor anywhere.
I knew where Harry's room was from before, I took off my shoes leaving them near the front entrance before making my way down the long hallway. I tapped the bedroom door gently, before slowing turning the handle and peaking my head through the gap. "Harry?".
Sat at his desk on the spinning black chair, he turned to face the door as it opened. "Hey Eves...come in". In front of him was his opened laptop, pieces of paper neatly organised all covered with different colour highlighter. "I was just going through some notes for the marketing assignment...it's only a small one about thousand words".
"How are you that organised?". I glanced over at his work as I placed my bag down near the end of his bed.Â
Harry sat back in his chair as he turned to face me. His shoulders shrugged as he continued to look in my direction. "I suppose it's just routine for me...plus I've got an interest in this stuff so it doesn't feel like work".
As I listened, my eyes found the photo that sat neatly on the desk. "Aww is this your mum and sister?". I smiled down as I held the wooden frame in my hand that held a picture of Harry stood next to two women.Â
"Yeah...I've been missing them more recently so I thought I'd put the photo on my desk". Harry's smile was gentle as he spoke, I could hear a hint of sadness in his voice. "Not that I'm too far away from them".Â
"You can still miss them...shows you have something good to miss". I met him with my own smile as our eyes met.Â
I placed the black frame back down in its original place. "You must miss your family too...they're like four to five hours away". The lump caught in my throat at the mention of my family. I'd always been guarded around the topic and any conversations linked to them I changed the subject quickly.Â
My fingers rushed towards my necklace as I moved the pendant between them in eagerness. "My family are closer than you think". His eyebrows frowned in confusion at my words but that was the intention. "C'mon then smarty pants...I thought you were helping me". My go to strategy of changing the subject was not so powerful, but it worked.
"C'mon then smarty pants I thought you were helping me!". Harry playfully mocked as he mimicked my voice. The infectious grin covering his lips as he did so.Â
"Shut up!". A laugh escaped through my teeth as the smile followed.Â
"Harry!". Despite my laugh filling the room, I was getting slightly frustrated. But Harry held his hands up in surrender as we both moved around the other and sat next to each other on his made bed.Â
I reached for my laptop from my tote bag, ready to show Harry my assignment so far. All 25 words of it.Â
"Do you want to show me some of your other assignments first and then I can see what your feedback is?". Harry's once playful voice was now serious, as he laid back against his pillows, reaching to hold my laptop on his T-shirt covered belly.
I sat with my legs crossed, trying to focus not twitching my foot in anticipation as Harry read my work with judgement. I knew Harry was kind but allowing someone else to read my academics was a huge step for me.Â
What was only a few minutes felt like hours as I waited to hear Harry's thoughts. Breaking me away from my own thoughts, his voice held uncertainty. "Eve...I honestly don't know how to say this-".
"You can say it Harry...it's shit I already know that...that's why I'd like your help". My voice was rushed as I assumed the worst. Already exhausted with how many times my work had been criticised.Â
"It's quite the opposite actually...what I was going to say was...I can't believe you wrote this the night before...because it's an amazing piece of writing Eves". I looked down at my hands, my fingers picking at my nails again. Trying to find anything to focus on apart from Harry.Â
"Well it's not is it...I would have gotten a good grade otherwise". My defensive side went up trying to avoid any sort of compliment.Â
Harry scrolled through the document again, the sounds of the button being pressed filled the space. "You did get a good grade...if you read the feedback they wanted to give you higher but the little spelling mistakes and lack of referencing reduced your marks...there's nothing but praise written".
My eyes flickered up to see Harry's already looking for mine. "So how can you help me? Are you saying you can't?". It wasn't until after I asked I heard how much my voice pleaded.Â
Harry hands landed on my knee with softness. "If I'm honest I think you're doing amazing...but maybe you need some encouragement to start assignments earlier...to avoid rushing it last minute and making little mistakes". His tone was nothing but soft and encouraging.
"I'm not going to the fucking library again!". Harry teeth showed as he laughed at my hatred for the library.Â
"You don't need to go to the library...you can come here or I'll come over to yours and we'll work together". His suggestion reduced the anxiety that had began to build inside my chest. "But there's a catch". I raised my eyebrows in question. "I'd like cuddles in return".Â
We shared a smile at Harry's sweet request. If I was being truthful physical affection always felt uncomfortable for me. But since knowing Harry I'd grown to learn that touch was his language, something he needed and would show to others, and it felt right.
"Starting now?". I saw the surprise in Harry's eyes at my boldness in initiating the contact. He moved the laptop that once laid on his stomach to the side table next to his bed. I crawled forward so my body was slightly on top of his and my head tucked under his chin.
I'm not sure how long we had been laid as one. My fingers circling pattern into Harry's T-shirt as his ran through my wavy hair. I'd got lost in the moment, not thinking about anything in particular. Just me and Harry enjoying what could only be described as tranquility.Â
"Evie?". Harry's tone was soft, his voice just above a whisper as he called my name. I picked my head up so our faces met.Â
Our eyes held onto the contact, the air become intense and thick around us. Harry's eyes quickly flickered down to my lips as his tongue slightly wet his own. I felt the breath quickly leave my lungs as my heart began to beat with force against my chest. It was thumping so heavy I wondered if Harry could feel it between us.
I felt the sudden urge that was pulling us closer together. Our chests were connected, the only things between them was our clothes. The tips of our noses were screaming for the other as we slowly moved in sync. I could feel his warm breath meeting mine as we inched closer.Â
The sound of someone's fist meeting the door startled me as I quickly moved away from Harry, and sitting on the other side of the bed. I felt like a deer in headlights, caught doing something I shouldn't. My heart raced as I did my best to act natural.Â
"Did you want to kiss him? Do you think you would have if someone didn't interrupt?". The questions made me think hard. Did I want to kiss him? Yes. My lips twitched up a little as my eyes found my nail beds interesting. "I'm going to assume the smile means yes".Â
The shyness hit me but it wasn't the typical feeling, it was the giddy feeling like I was a teenager fawning over her crush. "It's just...Harry's naturally affectionate...he'll put an arm around me or ask for a cuddle...but-but...I'm awkward and physical affection is not something I'm used to...and instead it'll come out when I'm drunk".Â
Jenny gave me a look that I could only assume was proudness at my honestly and opening another door for us to explore. "Sometimes when we're drunk we often speak things that we would like to say when we're sober". My eyes found hers as I nodded for her to continue. "I think you're scared to let someone in case they show you a new feeling".
"What do you mean?". My voice was intrigued, what new feeling? I'd had plenty of crushes in my teenage years to know what it felt like to like someone.Â
Jenny crossed her left leg over her right in comfort, her painted burgundy fingers held her own mug of tea on her lap. "I know this may be a little frustrating to hear but I'd like you to find out that yourself and then when you do we can talk about it...I don't want to tell you and you actively try and search for it...it should be natural".
"Yeah that makes sense". I understood what Jenny was saying, it didn't stop me from feeling confused though. I brushed a piece of my hair behind my ear. "This feels silly to ask...but how can...how do I-". I took a deep breath as I fought with my thoughts on how to ask the next question. "How can I show Harry that I like him without feeling embarrassed or making a fool of myself?".
Jenny sent me a smile from where she sat in the sofa style chair opposite me. "I could see that was a difficult thing to ask, and it shows how far you've come the last few months because the Evie I first met was have dismissed the whole thing".Â
I giggled lightly at how right Jenny was. "I think I've realised that I maybe I deserve some good in my life and when I'm around Harry I feel that". I giggled again at how easy it was to be open in this room.Â
"You do deserve happiness and I'm glad to hear you're finally recognising that...going back to your question, I can't tell you exactly how to show Harry because I don't know him". My face automatically fell into panic when she said she couldn't help. "That's not me saying I can't try to though...when are you likely to see Harry next?".
"Tonight...we're going out with both our friends...him and his friends were coming over to our flat for a films night, but there's been a change of plan so my idea of cuddling on the sofa as been ruined". I explained with a light giggle, glancing at the large pink clock that sat high on the wall showing 6:03pm.Â
She uncrossed her legs as she reached across to place her mug on the small wooden table that sat neatly next to the chair. "Okay...in situations like this where you're both out together with friends...do you have a chance to spend time together?".Â
My lips pouted slightly as I considered our usual habits. "Uhh...I suppose a little bit ". I didn't see how this was relevant.Â
"How about you try and spend your time with Harry tonight? Talk to eachother, have a little dance...cuddle into his side...show him that you like him, sometimes it's easier to show than say". It really was that simple now that Jenny had said, but my thinking process always seemed to work hundred miles per hour to the point that it would feel more complicated than it needed to be.Â
"And this is why you're sat there and I'm sat here". I playfully joked, earning the laugh I hoped for.Â
It was 6:58pm when I last checked my phone as I walked from Jenny's office building to the flat that was a good fifteen minutes walk. I knew I would feel this way after the session, I always did. My head ached and inside I longed for the feeling of peace and calmness as I walked past the busy streets of Manchester.Â
I placed the key in the front door and pushed it open, stepping into the warmth leaving the autumn wind behind me. The several pairs of trainers on the floor that had been dismissed by the door screamed that the boys were already here waiting for me to arrive back.Â
The further I walked down the hallway, the louder the mixed voices got. I made my presence known as I walked through to the living room, causing heads to turn.Â
"Late to a night out...that's a new one Green!". Niall knew where I had been but he liked to keep to our usual banter despite knowing the session could be heavy sometimes. It was like he knew I needed the comfort through playfulness.Â
"You know me Horan, I like to keep everyone on their toes". The banter flew back across the room to where he lounged across the single sofa chair, in the corner of the room.Â
Harry caught my eye, his demeanour was calm as he sat in the corner of the L shaped sofa. Our eyes locked and the small smile he sent my way made my shoulders instantly relax. Noticing that everyone was dressed and waiting to go, and I was still stood in my sweatshirt and leggings, I peeled my eyes away from Harry.
"You all go to the club now...I'll take ages to get ready". I announced to the room full of people. "Don't want to keep you waiting for another hour or so".Â
"We don't mind Eve...we can wait for you". Zayn spoke up from his seat next to Bella, his arm casually sat on her shoulder. His fingers playing with the thin strap of her sequin dress.Â
I nodded eagerly, hoping they would listen to my request. "Yeah...please don't wait around for me".Â
After more reassurance they all agreed to leave without me, they slowly moved around and began putting their shoes on and grabbing their things. I quickly walked my feet down the corridor that led to my bedroom. As soon as the door was closed behind me I took a deep breath of relief, as I was alone. I looked at myself in the mirror and stared back at me was sadness.
My eyes were shaded grey and my skin pale from the anxiety and the cold breeze outside. I heard the commotion of the group leaving as they walked past my door. I waited until I heard the sound of the front door closing to release my true emotion. Flat.Â
I should have been honest with the group that I wouldn't be joining them tonight. I just wasn't in the right headspace, they would have understood but admitting it out loud made it a reality. I would text Bella and Lily in a little bit saying I was feeling tired and wanted an early night instead. They wouldn't believe me, why would they? I was usually the centre of the party but that was something I could think about tomorrow.Â
I quickly changed into an oversized black sweatshirt and some mismatch grey cotton check pyjama bottoms. Comfort was key right now. It wasn't a want, it was a need. As I threw my dirty laundry in the washing basket, my guitar caught my eye.Â
My fingers ran up the neck, the feeling rough across my sensitive fingertips. Before I could change my mind, I walked myself and the guitar into the living area. I sat comfortably in the corner seat that was homed by Harry previously. The material felt warm underneath me and his vanilla scent lingered.Â
The guitar sat in its familiar spot on my knee, my fingers finding comfort as I played with the strings. I thought about playing a cover song, but wanting to make the most out of the time I had here alone, I decided to see where my words took me.Â
Once my fingers had found a smooth rhythm in the strings. The feelings and words came with ease.Â
"I've always played the part of Shakespeare...I hide behind the ink and pen...I build up worlds and choose a saviour...I write beginning, middle, end". I smiled to myself as I sang lightly, my fingers strumming with confidence.Â
I thought about how exhausting it is to live in the shadows of others and it was time for me to change that. "I'm so tired of being a book on the shelf...Tired of stories for somebody else...Think that I'm ready to start a new chapter...I've been looking for some way to turn it around...Looking for someone to give me the crown...And I wanna feel like I finally matter".
The last sentence I sang surprised me as I finally admitted I wanted to feel like I was important, that my emotions and feelings were valued. That I mattered to someone. As I was about to continue, the sound of movement from the hallway caused my heart to drop into my stomach. The feeling of fear replaced the calm atmosphere that circled the room a few minutes prior.Â
I wasn't sure if it was the fact someone was here and I was alone that frightened me, or the fact that whoever was standing out there in darkness had heard me singing. Heard my feelings, thoughts and voice. Heard me raw.
"Hello?". I called out, hoping I was met with a loud silence and it was just my conscience playing with me.Â
The sound of gentle footsteps met with the wooden floor, my heart raced with each moment. The sight of the tall figure appeared, but no sign of a threat but the feeling I sensed from them was hesitation.Â
"Uh...hi". The familiar voice peeked their head around the door. His chestnut curls hung high on his head. His usual playful smirk that made my heart race with excitement was replaced by a guilty yet gentle smile. "M'sorry for scaring you".
Despite my racing heart thumping against my chest reminding me of the fright that he just gave me, I couldn't help but feel relief that Harry was still here. "It's fine...was worried it was a burglar or something!".
"The only thing I want to steal is your heart!". The moment the words stumbled out of his mouth, the instant embarrassment dripped down his face and held some weight on his shoulders. Without warning the loud laugh left my tummy and entered the room as Harry walked closer to sit next me, cringing with every step. "That sounded so much smoother in my head...fuck I've made myself feel sick!".
"Are you flirting with me Harry?". I nudged his arm with humour, wanting to hide the fact that I secretly loved the cringey pick up lines. Both of us letting out a small chuckle into the room.Â
Harry's laugh slowly came to an end as his shoulders relaxed. "Eve...what's going on between us?". The question caused my insides to flip, the anxiety and worry taking over my laughter. Our eyes met, staring at each other's large pupils trying to read the other's mind. "I think we're becoming more than friends, but I don't want to assume and potentially ruin our friendship".Â
He was looking for reassurance. Looking for clarity and a clear answer. "I...umm....". I took a deep breath as my mind was running a treadmill uphill, my fingernails began to pinch at the skin around my thumb. "I'd like to become something more...but I'm scared".
"Scared of what?". His tone was soft and gentle as he questioned my feelings. Harry's large came closer to me and sat proudly on my knee. A small gesture that gave me strength to be open.Â
"Scared that things will go wrong or you'll see me in a different way". My thumb was now screaming for me to stop but the open I was being the more heightened my anxiety became.Â
Harry gave me a wide smile which confused me because if I was being honest with myself, I expected him to give up and call it a night. "But isn't that the beauty of it...the unknown and just enjoying the moments instead of what could potentially go wrong".
"Harry, I don't think you understand how difficult I can be". I needed to try and put him off the whole thing. As much as I would love to openly tell him how much I wanted this and how he caused me to feel that giddy and giggly feeling, I couldn't bring him into my unstable situation. "Look at tonight...I've let all our friends down...even you!".
His frown that made indents in between his brows told me that he disagreed. "How have you let us down? Because you didn't want to go out?". My head nodded slightly. "Eve, you haven't let anyone down...so stop beating yourself up in that pretty head of yours".
The subtle compliment brought a blush to my cheeks as I continued to avoid his eyes. If I was being honest with myself, I'd ran out things to say for the day. Almost like my social battery was on its last percentage. Harry had risen from his seat next to mine, leaving a cold space instead. "Are you leaving?".Â
"I am...and you're coming with me". He held his hand out, his warm smile and his dimples not taking no for answer. "We're going to McDonald's...I'm buying us food and then we're going back to my flat and this will be our official first date".
The smile reached the top of my cheeks, my eyes not moving away from Harry's for the first time this evening. "You know the way to my heart!".
Harry's playfully grin returned, I assume from my hint of teasing. "Let me guess...you're a chicken burger kind of girl...with nuggets on the side and a coke?".Â
Taking his hand after him being made to wait for a few minutes. "I guess you'll have to wait and find out!".
(Song in the chapter is 'Mona Lisa' by Mxmtoon)
