yeah the url is a lie

I awake slowly the next morning and nuzzle deeper into the pillow. It takes me a moment to recognize there is someone holding me in place, and another moment to recall where I was. I roll over to my companion to idly watch him sleep. He was peaceful, completely relaxed. I notice all the marks I left on him and for a moment felt apologetic.

After only a few minutes of totally not weird watching, I slide my way out of his hold. At some point after I had fallen asleep he must have thrown our clothing in the wash because I noticed my clothes folded neatly on the dresser. It was a sweet gesture, that was for sure. Instead, I locate a towel in the hallway closet and take a shower.

Not even five minutes into the endeavor I hear the door creek open and David shuffles in. “Mind if I join you?” He asks in a groggy voice.

“Yeah, sure,” I agree, moving aside as he slides in. He wraps his arms around my waist so that he can bury his face in my shoulder from behind. For a few long moments, we just let the water wash over us. We had no words. I don't even think either of us had many thoughts at the time. With a gentle kiss, he pulled away.

“Did you sleep alright? Honestly, I wasn’t really expecting you to hang around this morning.” He admitted sheepishly. I turn around to kiss his cheek.

“Why wouldn't I? I told you I still wanted to catch up, and it's not like we did much talking last night. I got cheated out of a good conversation!” I retorted with a smirk. He laughed at that, gentle and bright.

“We can make breakfast and talk more, then. I’d really like for you to stay longer,” he turned to pick up the shampoo and placed a dollop in his hand before lathering up my hair. My eyes fluttered closed as I enjoyed the pampering. “You can stay as long as you’d like, really. I don’t mind at all.”

“Well, I don’t leave back home until Monday. I can stay until then.” I suggest, mind starting to drift back to the previous night when he gives me a little scratch behind the ear.

“Sounds like a plan to me!” He chirps, and we enjoy the rest of the wash with more conversation and a bit of fooling around.

Around 9 am we settled in the kitchen. He had a table with a few chairs and a small basket with various snacks and fruit in it. I grab an apple as he starts poking through the kitchen.

“Do you like waffles? I have a waffle maker I haven't had a chance to try out yet.” He suggested, pulling it out from the back of one of his cabinets.

“Hell yeah, I’ll take some waffles!” I agree as I join him. “What do you need help with? I haven’t made waffles since I was a kid!”

“What was your childhood like?” he asks as he begins to retrieve the ingredients. From my hesitation, I can see concern start to creep onto his face again.

“Oh, well, it was… fine. My parents are nice, and my older brother is pretty cool. Hes going to have a kid soon, so we’re looking forward to that.” I deflect as smoothly as I can. He seems to take the hint and steers the conversation away.

“That's always fun! I don’t have any siblings. I guess that's why I latched on to you when we were kids! You sort of felt like a brother to me,” He paused for a moment, red striking across his face. “Wait- ok, well, that sounds weird now considering- Oh, gosh…”

I blink at him and raise my brows. “Really now? You gonna rephrase that?” I chastize, nudging his arm with my elbow.

“You know what I mean, Jasper!” he scolds, handing me a bowl. “Here, mix this.”

I do as I’m told, still chuckling. He fusses about looking for other ingredients, finally settling with tossing in a handful of frozen blueberries into the mix.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” He asks in a delicate voice, not looking at me.

“Sure,” I allow, having a few feelings of what might come up. I set the mixed batter on the counter and we wait for the waffle maker to warm.

“How did… you get all those scars on your upper arms? And your body. Really just, all over. I mean, I have an idea but-” He exhaled. “And you mentioned the one on your neck.”

“Yeah, I’ve had my struggles growing up. As I said, they're mostly self-inflicted. The one on my neck I did when I was 14. Did a shit job and my brother found me right after I did it. It wasn't very serious since I chickened out mid-cut, but it didn’t stop me from trying other things when I got older. I’ve been in and out of mental hospitals due to attempts, and just my general psyche.” I spill. My expression grows dark and a little cold as I recall, fixating on one of the kitchen tiles as I ramble on. David listens, quiet, waiting for me to finish.

“I’m sorry. I wish I had been there to offer more support, or at least my friendship. I’m sorry I brought it up, we don’t have to talk about it if you don't want to.” He says finally, squeezing my hand. My concentration breaks and I look at him, letting the darkness fall away from me some.

“No, it’s fine. I’m used to talking about it by now. It’s been a long process, but it's gotten easier as I’ve gotten older,” I nudge him aside to begin pouring the batter. “I’ve learned a lot of tools to keep myself grounded.”

“Did it start after… All that happened?” He asked, watching me work.

“Yeah. Having two near-death experiences in one summer does a thing to two to a child’s mind. By all accounts, I should be dead, or at least a lot worse off. Even though I survived I… I never felt like I did. I feel like a big part of me did literally die then and like… I’m a ghost. Like I’m not real and that I shouldn’t be here. Like I need to free my spirit from this world and pass on to the next, wherever that is,” I scoff at myself. Way to sound like a fucking basketcase in front of my childhood crush. “Sorry if this like, changes things. I don’t know, I don’t really talk about this to normal people.”

“Oh, no! It’s fine, really!” He insists, squeezing my hand harder. “I’m glad you’re sharing this with me. It's important. Also, I mean, we did share those experiences together. I didn’t think much of it until I was a lot older how lucky I was that summer, and it always had me worried about you! Wondering how you were. You never came back. Mr. Campbell just swept it under the rug like he does with everything.”

My expression twists in anger and disgust at the mention of Campbell and I take the opportunity to handle the waffle-making again. “Campbell as an ass, and if I never meet him again that’d be great.” I grumble.

Davey scans again as if looking for the right words. “During the summer I actually work there. If you’d like, you can come with me next summer. Maybe being back there will… Help put your soul to rest. It's also an excuse to spend more time together!”

“Only if Campbell isn’t there, I will.” From his expression dodging away, I had my answer.

“He comes by every now and again. Not often, but there's no way of knowing when he will show up.” He explained, fussing with the cuff of his sleeve.

“Well, I’ll… I’ll think about it, ok?” I finally reason. He smiles in a slightly strained way, still visibly worried.

“Please do. Now come on, let's eat while it's still hot!” He finishes plating our breakfast and whisks it away to the table. I take a seat, watching him buzz around setting the table, and grabbing our drinks. Even so soon after waking up, he was full of energy. Even after the heavy conversation, it didn’t ruin his mood. He notices me watching and offers a big, bright grin. I feel like I’m staring at the sun.

Gem insisted this party would be good; that she had seen this band perform before and how great they were live. With nothing better to do, I decided to tag along. After all, finals were over and we were due to celebrate before we headed home for winter break. 

When we arrived Gem was immediately distracted by the punch bowl conversation. From how many people stopped to greet her, I was reminded of how gregarious my friend was compared to me. Not wanting to harsh her style too much, I took my cup of punch towards the dance floor.  From the looks of it, the band was starting to set up, so the waiting stereo pumped out indie tunes. 

I idly bopped along to a familiar song when a firm force bumps me from behind. I stagger, holding out my drink to steady it. In the next beat, I feel hands brace my waist to steady me. The hands are warm, firm, but didn’t feel of ill intent. 

“Oh, sorry about that!” Chirped an equally as warm voice. I turn and the hands pop off me like old stickers peeling away. I see an auburn-haired man who offered a genuinely sorry smile. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I replied abruptly as anxiety swelled in me. Sure, I was expecting to meet a few new people today, but a cute ginger boy right off the bat? I guess Christmas was coming early. 

He wore a red button down and a pair of blue jeans. He appeared to be wearing a band tee, but I can’t figure out who in particular. His face shown with simply the brightest smile I have seen in years. It felt familiar. 

“So, uh… you ever see this band before?” I ask after a few awkward seconds of standing together. 

“I haven’t. Honestly, this is the first party I’ve been to this semester. I’ve been pretty busy between classes and student teaching. You?”

“Pretty much the same. I’m studying to be a writer. Not as exciting, I’m sure, but it’s an excuse to spend all my free time reading at home.” I admit with a quick and strained smile. Before he could respond, Gem came upon us with one of her friends. 

“Hey, you two! See, Cathy? I told you they would get along! We didn’t even have to enact the master plan!” Gem exclaimed, causing Cathy to stifle a laugh. 

“David, you’ve met Gem from my psych class,” she motioned to the mutual friend. “So you must be her friend from therapy, was it?”

I shoot Gem a look, which she just shrugged to. Damn psych majors and their gossip. “Yes, Jasper,” I confirm, offering my hand to her. She gives it a firm and professional shake. 

“Isn’t he just the cutest, Cathy? Hes such a little crab! It took me weeks to convince him to come!” Gem lamented. She moved in front of me to adjust my clothing, tugging at my popped collar to lay it down. I grimace, hand twitching with a desire to hide my exposed neck. I see David’s eyes flicker down to my neck before looking away, tension filling into his eyes. That was most people’s reaction when they see the scars there. The polite ones, anyway.

The conversation was cut short by the music lowering and a mic switching on. The band introduced themselves as Florist and began playing their easy, folky tunes to the milling crowd. Gem scurried off through the crowd to get closer while Gem hung back to tap away at her phone. Just as quickly as they came, I was once again left alone with the lithe ginger. I spent most of the set watching him from my peripherals. He swayed gently to the music, expression fixated intently on the band. He seemed to pour all of his focus into them and I could feel the aura force field around him, seeming to block everything else out. 

Before I could fully process his energy the set was already over. The band thanked us for listening and the previous playlist switched back on. By this point, people were beginning to collect their friends and head out. David seemed to be remembering his place among the crowd and looked around. Our eyes catch each other’s and I find my voice springing out before really even considering my words. 

“Hey. You wanna get some coffee?” The words tumble out, and by the time I get to the end of the statement, I can feel myself quivering with unease. If David picked up on this he didn’t show it. 

“Yeah, sure! I’d love to!” He chimed. David caught Cathy’s attention to let her know the plan. I felt a little bad about ditching Gem, but it wasn’t like she seemed very keen on hanging around me. It’s what she would want.

When we stepped outside it was, unfortunately, pouring rain. Freezing rain. I unrolled my sleeves to save myself from the cold a little bit.

“Damn, so much for getting anywhere in this. I’ll call us a Lyft.” We hung out on the porch while I set up the ride. 

Despite the weather, it arrived within minutes. We ducked in, only made mildly damn. Though the café was only a few blocks away, it felt longer in the silence. Once again I found myself watching him from the corner of my eye. As we turned the block the side of the road through his window showed the dark abyss of dense forest. His reflection in the window became water-warped, and the familiarity finally clicked. I let out a quick huff of my breath, catching his attention.

“Davey?” I asked tentatively. His head snapped up from his phone, eyes wide. He looked like he had seen a ghost. 

“Nobody calls me that. Not since I was a kid - except for Mr. Campbell, but-” He paused, his confused expression shifting to concern as I recoil at the name “Campbell”. Memories of my 11th summer come crashing back to me and I suddenly feel ill. As if on cue, our driver stops to drop us off. I have never been more thankful to stand in the pouring rain.

“Come on, you’ll get soaked to the bone!” David exclaimed, grabbing my hand to pull me into the café. 

Thankfully this place had good heating. The cozy café had few patrons. Most people were either at parties or already homeward bound to family. We stepped up to order and it wasn’t until the barista gave us a knowing smile that we realized we were still holding hands. Flustered, we take turns ordering our drinks. 

“So… You’re the Jasper I knew all those years ago? From summer camp? It’s been, what, 13 years? Man, it must really be a small world, huh?” He sighed nostalgically. 

“Honestly, I’m surprised I recognized you,” I admit with a shrug. “I guess I remember more about that last summer than I thought. For a long time it was such a blur, to be honest.”

We collected our drinks and headed to a space heater in the back of the café. It had a couple of chairs surrounding it that we settled in to. David flopped into his with a heavy, content sigh. I sat more forwardly in mine, resting my elbows on my knees and leaning towards the warmth. I felt numb, like neither the aching cold nor the radiating heat could break through to me. 

“You seem sad.” David’s voice broke through the silence once again. It was low and tender as he leaned over to me.

“I’m fine, really, just… a lot is coming back to me, is all,” I chew on my lip and spoke through grit. “A lot of not great thing happened that last summer we knew each other. Not great things that lead to worse things. It isn’t your fault, of course, It's just… forget it.”

David reached out a hand and placed it on my leg, giving it a squeeze. his eyes scanned as if searching for the right words to say but ultimately decided to remain quiet. We sat like this for a few minutes before I pulled out my phone.

“Hey, can I have your number? I’d like to keep in touch again if that's ok?”

“Of course! I would love to catch up!” Davey perked up as he received my phone and punched in his number. “So, what do you like to write?”

Hours soon had drifted by as we conversed. I soaked in every smile and laugh. Craved every new emotion I could draw out of his expressive being. Anything he had to give, really. Davey radiated with life. It poured out of his being, passion radiating like a star.

Oh, God.

I can’t be falling in love.

I feel my breath hitch as I suck in air. Davey notices and pauses his story to ask if I was alright, only for the clock to ding for 4 am. Shit. 

“You can crash at my place if you’d like.” he offers as we stand. I feel like I am going to faint back into the chair. Clearing my voice and adjusting my flannel, I nod.