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It’s June 13, 2024 and guess what.. I am STILLLLL dealing with this fucking man. Like how sway how?? I could cry and idk why. The pits of my stomach, it doesn’t hurt there anymore. It kind of just hurts in my heart? From my memories. Mainly bc it’s so up and down like I miss you and I think about all of our good times and fun times and I miss you mainly bc I’m bored now and I wanna be outside and then I think back to all of our arguments and how bad they got and how you gaslit me every time kicked me in the chest and how scared I felt when you hit angry bc you really were probably capable of hurting a woman. And you are bc you’ve told me so why wouldn’t I think that you wouldn’t hurt me bc you would. And I’m just here. Writing. AGAIN the same fucking thing that I’ve been writing about… for a year now. Same time frame. So why do I think this time it’s different? Bc I want it to be, bc I need it to be. Bc I don’t think mentally I could’ve stayed with you. And now I’m crying bc I fucking miss you for no fucking reason!!!! Sometimes I just wanna get lost sometimes I just wanna sit in the grass under a tree with no one around me. I never felt safe with you. Why why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY was I and still am drawn to you. Why, as I’m writing this, I’m crying about you? Why, even after a year, nothing has changed. And why, am I still here writing about the same thing. Hoping things change. Hoping you’d change. Grasping onto the only thing that’s probably keeping you on my mind. Which is two memories. Two memories of you and I. Even your birthday was a disaster.

Today marks my one month with my new job.

Today marks 2 months and 13 days that I broke up with you. And days used to just go by, one week then three weeks then it’s a new month. And now, now the months are dragging. I’ve never experienced a full day until our break up. Just you on my mind. When I wake up. Throughout the day. When I’m drunk. And especially before I go to sleep. And I know it’ll get better and I know it will bc I was here with my first ex. And one day, it just gets better. One day, it doesn’t even feel like you’re sad. One day you’re not even thinking about them anymore. You don’t even care to stalk their socials. One day, they just stop crossing your mind. And I wonder how long that will take this time. Apparently, last time it only lasted a little over two months and then we got back together lol I hate that really. This time I’m committed. This time I’m not coming back.

I need to stop day dreaming about texting you, about hanging out with you. I need to stop thinking that maybe we can hangout on your birthday. I need to stop day dreaming about us in any way. I wanna stop day dreaming about a future with you. I wanna stop day dreaming about my future and seeing you there bc I fucking hate you. Bc you’re not a good person. Bc someone like you deserves somebody just like you. Someone like you deserves someone who is not loyal, plays in your face and keeps you worried about their whereabouts. Someone like you doesn’t deserve peace. I go back and forth about texting you on your birthday. And today, I have a whole month to decide. I shouldn’t and a part of me only wants to do it bc I STILL want you to have a good birthday. Even after all the bullshit you put me through, how do I still even think about making you happy? How do I still care about you

Even after all the shit you put me through, I still definitely believe in such a deep intense love. Even after you, I know I’ll find my person. I just wonder, why you? Why me. The feeling in my stomach is coming back and I think it’s bc I wanna cry bc I’m so frustrated IM SO FRSTRATED IM SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!! And no one knows!!! Bc how could they? How could they when I still go out and I still show up. How could they? How could they know that even tho it’s happened before I’m still so fucking hurt. How could they know that even if I’m getting up everyday I’m still fucking hurt. That I still have these moments where I’m crying about you. FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The frustration of not being able to type and express how u feel it’s in my fingertips and yet rheee exclamation points don’t do any justice. I feel rage but it’s quiet. It’s in my fingertips but at least not in my heart. Just in my chest. Just in my soul. And everyday I tell myself I can’t fucking wait to just get the fuck over you. And I know karma is real and I’m just wondering when you’ll get yours. And I KNOW KARMA IS REAL AND I HOPE WITH MY ENTIRE SOUL THAT YOU FEEL WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME TIMES 500 times everything times infinity bc you are not a good person. And I know it’s for a reason. You’re a fucking cheater and you don’t deserve true love. You don’t deserve anyone genuine. You don’t deserve happiness. You don’t deserve to feel what genuine people can give you. You don’t deserve genuine connections bc you’re not genuine yourself. I hope the coke fucks you up so bad your diq just doesn’t even get hard anymore. I hope you start balding faster and I hope no I wish and I wish and I wish your hairlike recedes so far back that it’s noticeable and that you’re insecure about it. I hope you never feel like a man again. I wish, with everything in me, that you never feel like a man again. I hope you’re filled with insecurities from how you look, how you talk, I hope you feel like everyone looks down on you. I hope everybody sees you for who you are. I wish upon you only bad aura, when you step into a room I want people instantly put off by you. I want them to feel how bad of an energy you are. Worse than a rain cloud above you. I want them to feel uneasy. Like you’re a fucking LOSER. A skinny fucking drug addicted LOSER A fucking twig a fucking IDIOT who’s an addict. I want them to see you and pity you. I want everyone who’s never known you to see you like that one annoying friend who’s just there bc their friend got invited. I want you to feel so small around any man you’re next to. Any man. I want you to feel insecure bc even tho they’re shorter they have more swag. They have more game. YOU can feel it and I want them to look at you, and think, what a fucking LOSER. And I want you to know that. You are a fucking loser. You are fucking ugly. I want you to know that you are fucking ugly, you are fucking skinny, you are fucking balding and your hairline is receding and lastly, I want you to feel less than a man bc your dick does not work. I want you to feed your ego and right when you have a little pick me up, I want you to get sad bc you know you can’t get hard ♥️

I never want you to feel a genuine connection with another human being for as long as you live. I want you to feel distant from your closest friends. I want you to feel like a fucking loser tagging along. I want everyone to just look at your with disgust bc you are nothing but bad energy. I want you suck the energy out of a room just by walking in it. And when people feel that energy they just all walk away from you. And then I want you to miss me, and realize that I was really the one who made you feel like that man, I want you to miss me so much that you black out and just annoy everyone with how slow you talk. I want you to embarrass yourself. I want you feel it in your stomach, to your throat and then in your heart, that you really lost the best person you’ll ever have, in your entire life. I want you to zone out and just stare at everyone flirting, having fun, being cute, and I want you to see my face, in everyone you look at, I want you to see my smile and see my laugh and see me and my energy, and I want you to feel it in your stomach, in your gut, in YOUR SOUL, that this feeling and this forever feeling, is only the start of your karma. I want you to see me in every women that you look at. And I want you to suffer. I want your gut wrenching with longing, for me.

And I hope you have bad luck for everyday that you did me dirty and played in my face. I want you have a bad day for everyday you thought about playing in my face. And I want you to have the worse days on days that are supposed to be your best days.

And on your birthday, I want everyone to ask you where I am just to remind you that I left you. And I want you to feel abandoned. I want you to feel that your entire life is by yourself, and no one to grow old with. And on your birthday, I want you to feel so tiny and so little and so minuscule, that even with everyone around you, you still have the worse fucking day of your life. And I want you to feel like it will only get worse 🫶🏽

Lol. I hate me and I cry. I laugh at the same time. What day are we even at. You will never guess where I am and what I’m doing. You will never guess how sad I am and how defeated I feel. And really when I think about this feeling, this betrayal, this feeling overall I don’t like it. I’m so caught up in what he could be and what he’s about to get. It’s so short term. I’m sad but I’m so tired. Like mentally tired. I don’t even have enough tears. I’m so sad that I’m crying but what’s new. Crying just isn’t doing it anymore. It hurts. So much. That just when I think I’m sad and can’t cry anymore, I think about how sad I am and I cry some more.

Not a fun trip. Not a good person. I miss being single.

When I think about you, I realize.

I don’t even know I’m so mentally exhausted.

For all that I did for you, I couldn’t even get a text back. For all I did for you, I couldn’t even hear back from you. And I give myself over and over and I sacrifice my time for you over and over. I lower my standards for you over and over. I come back to you, over and over.

What is it about you. I think it was bc you were fun. We had fun. We both like to drink and party. But you’re not fun anymore and this summer won’t be fun either. You have no money no job. Not even real sheets on your bed. I want my pillows back.

Scared of rejection. Scared to face the consequences of your actions. Scared. Just scared. And I think I’m tired of teaching YOU things. I think I’m tired of taking care of you. I honestly cannot even imagine a future with you. I can’t imagine anything past a couple years. I wanna travel. I wanna move to a different city, a different state. That’s not possible for you. And a part of me hurts knowing that you might meet someone when you’re in a better position in life. I think it hurts bc I was there for you when you were nothing. Literally nothing. But I know I’m not the one bc the way we argue, you always have to be right. The way we argue, it’s a power trip, for you. Whatever I said to you, got to you. And now, now it’s never gonna be the same. We tried it and I realized I don’t like you anymore. I see your true colors and I don’t like it.

You don’t brush your teeth everyday

You don’t shower everyday (&you actually smell)

You vape (like your life depends on it)

You have no job

You have no aspirations, no motivation

Not a good dad. (You are a once a week baby daddy)

You’re too skinny for my taste (you would lose in a fight)

Hairline receding (at young age)

Overly dependent on drugs

I really hate the control he has over me. Like I get back on social media and all it took was one message to him and boom. We’re supposed to meet up. I wonder if we’re both doing the same thing. Thinking the same about the other. Like why didn’t you text me. Why haven’t you reached out. Are you with other bitches? Am I with other men? Like UGH it’s this feeling in the bottom of my stomach. It’s this anxiety waiting for a text back. It’s this acting nonchalant when I’m really not. Like here I go again blocking my blessings again. Here I go again blocking my blessings and blocking any new mf that comes my way. EVEN THO I have met some pretty interesting men and women.

It’s this feeling of anxiety, regret, sadness, confusion and just like uncertainty. I don’t like it and I do it to myself. I realize as I’m typing this it’s draining to me. It’s draining to my mental health so much so that all I wanna do is sleep. But I mean is that just me bc I always wanna do that lmfao. I can’t tell if it’s me or him. Probably both. I hate that I’m waiting on a text I may never get bc it really plays with my emotions. Mainly bc I’m very impatient. Like are you with other bitches? When do I bring up the fact that I saw you getting at other bitches.

Just found out out my favorite ex went on vacation with his gf. Like I get it you’re in a relationship but a part of me misses you and wants to travel with you. Maybe bc I realized 1. Our signs are soul mates 2. You were actually a genuine guy. But sometimes you have to lose sometbing to realize what you’ve lost

Temptation is real but for reason it’s harder today

Wasn’t this bad even on very first day

Time passing I thought it’d go away