sfd

hi. so it’s been exactly 3 years since my last post here. I noticed my latest post were uploaded on Dec 9th 2017 11pm, and here I am, 3 years later, writing yet another rant on life.

life has been, suck to say the least. 2020 is the year no one imagined how it’d be. I dont even know where to begin to describe this year, but it’s been a worrying one. anyway I’d express my apology if this post has so many typos, it’s quite hard to type when you have tears on your eyes.

yes as I write this post I am crying. I dont know how to write my thoughts but it’s just...

I am scared.

I am scared of everything. my mind is a scary and dark place and when I start to overthink, there’s no end to it.. hence why I always try to distract my mind by fangirling, but it not always works. 

corona has hit my inner circle. a dear of friend of mine is diagnosed positive of it. i am so so scared for me and my family. I just wish it would be gone, for good, and no one suffers from it anymore.

not to mention my grandma doesnt believe that it exists. man i hate her so much it frustrates me. i am frustrated by everything, it all just too much. we’re one year into a pandemic and there are people who doesnt believe its real.. i couldnt careless if it’s someone who lives faraway from me or not my relatives but.. it’s my own grandma.. she often visits my house WITHOUT wearing mask and i am scared..i am crying because i am frustrated, and scared, and  stressed with everything. man..

i am scared.. all of these what ifs are killing me.. i cant..

and i dont know if this is the worst part or not but i am not one to open up to anyone about what i feel. i always let it all bottled up thats why i have this tumblr to.. yknow.. let it all out but sometimes i just wish i have someone, anyone, to hear me out. but i just cant..  i dont know im a mess.. im scared..

jadi ceritanya gue lagi fuming with rage banget nih. not my habit buat megang laptop kalo lagi emosi marah gini but i’ve held myself long enough to put up with his sickening behavior

tfw you thought you know someone turns out you dont. gue udah kenal orang ini selama kurleb 2 tahunan lah, yaa give or take 1.5 tahun dah. gue dengan bodohnya menganggap kalo orang ini orang paling keren seantero jagat raya.

well, he is. tapi maksut gue dengan keren adalah bukan romantically nih ye, tapi secara profesionally doi emang keren. well gue masih menganggap doi keren, but with a sprinkle of hate :)

gue selalu (mencoba) untuk mentolerir apa yang doi perbuat ke gue. gue merasa gue diperalat, gitu aja. kaya gue bukan manusia. gue itu barang kali ye di hadapan dia?

intinya, dia itu

Jujur, saya pribadi baru mengikuti semua dinamika politik di kampus sekitar 1.5 tahun ini. Ketika keadaan memaksa saya untuk belajar dan memahami politik; sesuatu yang terkesan jauh namun ternyata sangat amat dekat dengan kehidupan

Awalnya saya berpikir politik itu kotor. Setelah 'diseret' ke dalamnya saya berubah pikiran; politik itu sangat kotor.

Hahaha tidak juga sih. Tergantung. Sama seperti ilmu psikologi di mana kata 'tergantung' seolah menjadi jawaban setiap pertanyaan, pun dengan politik. Dengan semua situasi yang melingkupinya, politik bisa kotor namun tidak jarang pula politik itu baik; tergantung niat dan tujuan.

Pemilwa (atau pemira?) 2017 merupakan pesta demokrasi yang sangat berkesan untuk saya. Selain karena untuk pertama kalinya saya menggunakan hak suara saya, saya melihat sendiri perjuangan teman saya untuk kemaslahatan bersama.

Di tahun 2015 (tahun pertama saya), saya tidak menggunakan hak pilih saya karena simpel: saya merasa ketua BEM KM atau yang sering disebut Presiden Mahasiswa tidak akan berpengaruh pada kehidupan saya. Lalu di tahun 2016, saya sempat bersinggungan dengan organisasi tersebut yang menyebabkan saya memiliki sedikit (atau banyak?) rasa 'anti' pada BEM KM. Alasan yang kekanakan, saya akui. Tapi hal tersebut adalah sikap politik saya yang memilih untuk tidak menggunakan hak pilih saya.

Di tahun 2017, tahun di mana saya menjadi Koordinator Umum Mahasiswa Palapa, acara tahunan yang sangat empuk untuk menyebarkan faham-faham ideologi golongan pada Mahasiswa Baru, saya terpaksa mempelajari politik. Kenapa? Agar saya dapat melindungi mahasiswa-mahasiswa baru dari ideologi-ideologi yang dapat dikatakan 'kurang sesuai' dengan dasar negara kita.

Sebelum terlaksananya PPSMB pun, saya dengan berbagai pertimbangan dan dorongan memberanikan diri untuk maju menjadi MWA UM. Bagi anda yang tidak tahu, MWA UM adalah unsur mahasiswa yang menjadi anggota Majelis Wali Amanat. Majelis Wali Amanat Unsur Mahasiswa. Berbagai kontroversi datang ke arah saya. Line saya tanpa henti menunjukkan notifikasi yang menyebabkan Line saya crash berkali-kali. Ucapan seperti: "kamu daftar MWA?" "cie daftar MWA" hingga "kerasukan apa kamu daftar MWA" menjadi makanan sehari-hari saya saat itu. Jujur, saya mengalami anxiety dan depression karena saya takut untuk bertemu siapapun. Saat hari pemilihan pun. Saya diserang habis-habisan. Saya tahu, image saya sebagai 'antek rektorat' tidak menjual di kalangan teman-teman mahasiswa. Hasilnya sudah dapat ditebak: saya tidak lolos tahap kedua untuk menjadi MWA UM. Hasil yang sesungguhnya saya syukuri karena memang saya tidak mau apalagi bernafsu menjadi seorang MWA. Saya hanya ingin ngevent. Titik.

Di salah satu event saya yaitu Gamafair, Tuhan mempertemukan saya lagi dengan Obed. Kok lagi? Iya, sebelumnya saya pernah bekerja selama satu hari dengan Obed. Saat itu PPSMB UGM 2016, saya yang dipercaya menjadi korteks di Fisipol dipasangkan dengan Greg sebagai subkoor Fisipol. Obed saat itu membantu Greg untuk menjalankan tugasnya sebagai subkoor.

Saya masih ingat, sekian bulan pasca PPSMB 2016, saya lewat di kantin fisipol dan tiba-tiba ada suara yang memanggil saya, em, tidak memanggil saya secara spesifik, suara iti berkata "eh! Eh! Siapa namamu aku lupa hehehe" saya yang saat itu sedang fokus berjalan (karena lantai fisipoint licin kalau basah) hanya bisa meringis dan berkata "Fira, mas", lalu dibalas "ohiyo Fira, koe lak sing PPSMB wingi to?" "Ho oh mas" tebak siapa yang menyapa saya? Benar, Obed.

Di Gamafair Obed kembali ditarik Greg. Entah Tuhan sedang sangat amat baik kepada saya atau bagaimana sehingga mempertemukan saya dengan Greg. Obed dipercaya untuk memegang Ormada sebagai pengisi tenant. Saat itu pun antara saya dengan Greg terjadi perbedaan faham. Saya lebih memilih teman saya yang notabene seorang ketua forum ormada untuk menjadi staff Gamafair, sementara Greg memilih Obed untuk mengurusi ormada (saat itu Greg belum mengungkapkan nama Obed). Akhirnya saya yang mengalah karena kalau keduanya sama-sama keras tidak akan ada jalan keluar. Dan keputusan saya untuk mengalah sangatlah tepat karena Obed terbukti mampu, bahkan sangat mampu, untuk mengatasi semua permasalahan.

Secara profesional, curriculum vitae Obed tidak perlu di-hiperbolakan, karena memang CV Obed sudah sangat cemerlang. Secara personal, tidak usah ditanya. Obed adalah sosok yang sangat asyik. Tidak jaim. Tidak caper. Dan sangat menyenangkan.

Obed adalah familia garis keras. Ketika Gamafair mengundang NDX, tanpa malu Obed ikut berjoget dan menyanyikan lagu NDX. Sebuah virus yang ia tularkan pada saya, dan Adrian yang kala itu standby di FoH (Front of House).

Kembali lagi ke saat pemilwa dihelat. Saya sangat mafhum dengan trik-trik kampanye. Baik yang bersih maupun yang kotor. Ketika SMA dahulu saya yang merupakan debater sering mendapat mosi tentang black campaign. Dan pasca pilkada DKI tempo hari, hal yang saya takutkan benar-benar terjadi, Obed diserang secara identitas.

Identitas Obed yang seorang nasrani diekspos di salah satu multichat, bahkan dengan beraninya pengirim memberi klaim "pasti kalian sudah familiar kan ya dengan kinerja saya (OP)" seakan kinerja pengirim menjadj validasi dari reliabilitas pernyataan yang dikemukakan. Pengirim secara gamblang mengatakan "untuk presma, nomer 1 dan 2 islam, nomer 3nya tidak". Memang, saya akui dalam multichat tersebut pengirim tidak secara eksplisit menyatakan "jangan pilih Obed", tapi berdasar pengalaman pilkada DKI yang sarat dengan politik identitas, bukankah hal yang dikemukakan pengirim secara implisit mengatakan hal yang sama? Hmm.

Pemilwa yang diadakan 3 hari pun menjadj hari yang berjalan sangat lambat bagi saya. Entah mengapa, baru kali ini saya merasakan sekali pesta demokrasi di kampus saya tercinta ini. Untuk pertama kalinya saya terlibat aktif, menyebarkan informasi, melakukan kampanye (meskipun ke teman terdekat), dan mengajak massa untuk memilih nomer 3. Hehe.

Intrik-intrik pun (entahlah) tak lepas dari pelaksanaan hari H. Beberapa TPS dilakukan perpanjangan karena di hari sebelumnya belum sempat dibuka. Entahlah. Niat hanya Tuhan yang tau.

Bagaimanapun. Hasil akhir menyatakan bahwa Obed menang. Obed menjadi Presiden Mahasiswa berikutnya. Selamat Bed, semoga pundak dan hatinya dikuatkan setahun ke depan. Lulus bareng aku, yo!

Lol, it's been ages since my last post. Well, life happened jadi i didnt have that much of time buat post anything anymore

Hmmmm so let's see what ive been doing for the past year (since my last post was made around year ago)

1. Surprisingly (dan sangat surprisingly) aku jadi koordinator umum ppsmb palapa. For you who doesnt know, koordinator umum equivalent for ketua/chief/head of/you name it intinya gue yang paling berkuasa....

..ya engga juga sih h3h3

2. Hmmmmmmm apa lagi ya gue sampe lupa. Oh, gue ngevent di fakultas buat kedua kalinya dalam kehidupan perkuliahan gue jajajajaja. Ya basically why gue pulang ke 'rumah' karena nyinyiran netijen netijen julid yang bilang kalo gue ga pernah 'pulang'. Ya gimana gue sudi pulang kalo rumah aja bukan tempat yang nyaman buat gue? :) ill save my rant for later ya karena ini intinya cuma catching up aja lols

3. For the first time ever, gue keluar dari suatu kepanitiaan hehe. Alesannya? Karena gue merasa they dont know what theyre doing. Alasan mereka ngevent udah ga sejalan sama gue. Ya how could gue ngevent sama orang yg even fundamentally udah beda? Yha melenceng lagi, intinya gue merasa we're going for different way and different approach, dan lagi gue merasa eventnya gaje banget so... daripada gue membuang2 waktu berharga gue di sana yaudalahya gue keluar untuk pertama kali :)

4. Gue jadi acara follow-upnya palapa wkwkwk ini makin gaje sih jadi gue rasa gausa dijabarin lah wkwkwkwk

5. Gue masuk pagelaran budaya (lagi) dan kalau tahun lalu gue diposisikan di koor padus (yang bahkan gue ga ngerti apapun samsek), tahun ini hamlilah gue jadi koor Gamafair yang gue taulah dikit-dikit secara teknis maupun konsep :) big thanks buat subkoor2ku yang sangat superb: Carolina Bani, Greg Adiloka, Ade Bahtiar; super big thanks buat temen2 Gamafair yang mau put up dengan segala kelebihan dan pastinya kekurangan gue: Adrian, Obed, Fikri, Okta, Ikal, Ateng, Dwi, Dimas, Aing, dan Adit. Kalian semua so charming (lol maafkan ini inside jokes anak2 Gamafair aja)

Sebenernya yang mau gue bahas di sini bukan tentang event, tapi tentang platform social media which has been crowned as the most addicting: Instagram.

Im sure most of you already know kalo IG skrg ada fitur 'close friends', beberapa temen gue udah update story dgn fitur tsb, dan IG gue pun udah ada notif buat masukin list manusia-manusia yang I considered 'close friends', sekarang permasalahannya adalah: Do I have one?

Polemik yang selalu gue alami dalam masalah pertemanan bukanlah perihal gue yg prefer to be alone. Hell no. Permasalahannya adalah gue gatau siapa yang harus gue kategorikan sebagai 'friends'.

Gue ga ngerti parameter seperti apa yang bisa gue sebut 'teman' atau 'bukan teman', dont get me started with the bullshit they call 'best friend', buat gue pribadi ya semua orang itu sama aja. I mean like gue ga bakal ngenilai how worth you are dari kedekatan kita gitu lho. Duh gue mulai bingung how to put my thoughts into words lol.

Gue selalu ngerasa kebingungan kalo gue ditanya 'temen lo siapa sih Saf?' Lalu akan ada keheningan lama on my part karena jujur aja, gue gatau jawaban macam gimana yang mereka expect

Pun kalo dikata 'lo ga punya temen ya Saf?' Gue juga ga bisa bilang ya maupun engga, karena menurut gue definisi temen seperti apa yang mereka maksut? Kembali lagi, kata 'teman' di sini adalah kata sifat, which means akan sangat multitafsir karena kata sifat itu subjective.

Bisa aja kalian bilang 'yauda sih gausa ribet2 set ur own standard aja yang lo anggap temen yang kaya gimana yang lo anggap bukan temen yang kaya gimana', nah, ini bakal lebih susah lagi karena nature dari setiap kata pasti ada antonimnya kan? Sekarang antonim dari kata 'teman' adalah? Musuh.

Pun sama seperti teman, gue ngerasa gue ga punya musuh. Sangat utopis memang, but that's what I feel. Ya sebel here and there iya sih jelas ada. But to consider them as an enemy menurut gue juga akan sangat amat outreach.

Gue orangnya pelupa. Sangat pelupa. Dan silver lining dari ke-alpa-an gue ini adalah: ketika gue sebel sama orang, yauda besoknya bakal lupa. Even gue akan lupa gue pernah sebel sama doi. There's silver lining lah ya at least :)

Jadi apakah gue menganggap semua orang itu temen gue? Jawabannya: ngga juga. Gue prefer mencoba untuk menjadi teman banyak orang. Being friendly. Biar apa? Biar orang lain ga sebingung gue dalam mendefine 'teman' itu seperti apa.

Lol.

Ga juga sih.

Gue being friendly ke orang lain ya bcs I like doing it. Gue seneng aja gitu becanda sama orang. Gue seneng aja gitu berinteraksi sama banyak orang. Dari mereka lah gue dapet pelajaran hidup yang sangat banyak dan berguna. Even ketika orang lain ngerese, gue tau lah rasanya direse sehingga gue selalu hold back buat ga ngerese org lain.

Yha meskipun kadang mulut ini terlalu jahat jadi kadang2 sarkasnya kelewat batas.. maaf ga guys.

Jadi inti post ini adalah? Ga ada. Sebagai pengisi waktu aja di kereta Jogja-Solo karena depan gue ibu2 creepy bgt ngeliatin gue dr atas-bawah bolak balik. Maaf ya Bu, saya suka cowok :)

dear my future self....

I write this post on 9 September 2017, so that you know how was your condition back then

I’m not okay, I’m not well, I feel like I’m sick

not physically unfortunately, I’m mentally sick

I’m depressed, not as a figure of speech. I’m mentally depressed, literally depressed..

it was just yesterday when it hit me, a friend of mine asked me “Saf, sahabatmu i siapa to?” for her it may be just a casual question, but for me it was a million dollar question

dear my future self,

are you still suffering like I am?

are you still has no one by your side?

because I feel like shit

I feel like I’m all alone

I feel like I have no one

I feel like I’m struggling on my own

by 2030 depression will be the number one cause of death, beating cancer, which I totally understand why

now that I have it, having depressed could kill you....literally

it feels like you’re all alone, you’re by yourself, that you are a liability to your surrounding

I myself still amazed at me for hanging on this long

I mean,

I always want to tell my friends

I always want to cry and let it all out in front of my friends

but I couldn’t,

I don’t want to troubles them with my trivial story

I know I’m not the only one with problems

I don’t want to show my weakness

altho as psychology major I know wxactly how important it is to have katarsis, but.... I just couldn’t

I hate myself for not brave enough to tell people that I’m not okay, but it;s just that I merely don’t want to trouble them

like, when I tell them all my worries, will that solve the problem?

will they even care?

and you know what scares me the most?

I’ve had suicidal thoughts...

and that’s not okay

I know that well I’m not okay, yet it’s so hard for me to seek help

like, will they even care? doesn’t people have their own problem to worry than to hear my trivial story?

all of my acquaintances know me as stone-hearted person

but it’s not

i’m not that strong

sometimes I need you guys to tell my story

I can’t pent it up

I can’t hold it all

but I don’t know how to let it out

a lot of people come to me whenever they have problems

once, my friend asked me what to do when her friends had depression

I told her what to do, and it worked

she doesn’t know the reason it worked was because I know exactly what people with depression needs

because I felt it

it all closing down on me and I can’t hold it

I’m afraid...

I’m afraid that all of these thoughts one day catching up to me

all of these suicidal thoughts

I don’t want to end my life but at the same time I feel like I’m alone

all of these pings and notification I have on my phone, they were artificial

I cry myself to sleep every night

every day

I can’t get it out

some of you may say “just tell your friends and it’s done”

IT’S

NOT

THAT

EASY

you don't have to own a mercedes to make my heart aches

you don't have to play a cello to make my legs go jello

you don’t have to buy me a house to cleanse my doubts

it’s those little gestures that do everything

like the time when you just sit next to me when I look stressed

or the time when you bought me food when you know I hardly eat

or the time you ask me “are you okay” whenever I spaced out

it’s those little gestures that do everything

my heart already aches for you

my mind already write a poem for you

my legs already go jello when I saw you

all my doubt are thrown out the window when you asked me ‘are you okay’

it’s those little gestures that do everything

like the time when you ask “what’s on your mind now?” whenever I don’t say a word

or the time when you just casually let me sleep on you shoulder when I look sleepy

or the time when you pinch my cheek when I do something silly

it’s those little gestures that do everything

like the time when you ask ‘how do you relieve your stress’

or the time when you ask ‘should I accompany you’

or the time when you ride me home because my body can’t take it anymore

just gonna leave this here bcs:

1. it’s my favest song eva

2. it’s jeon jungkook

jadi intinya gue lupa buat write down event yang satu ini simply becos  begitu event ini kelar gue UAS dan lalu setelah UAS means gue liburan dan bye Jogja and everything it contains h3h3 gue mau cut all ties dgn Jogja for awhile jadi yah here I am sebulanan setelah event kelar baru nulis

but I assure you, involved di PBU16 was one of the amazing experience I’ve ever had h3h3

jadi di event ini gue naik pangkat WKWK, kalo di Palapa gue jadi staff, di JSO gue jadi subkoor, di sini gue jadi koor

masyaAllah ribetnya jadi koor acara gue sampe (nyaris) nangis berkali2 gara2 event gue adaaaaa aja obstaclesnya

mulai dari tanggal yang ga jelas kapan, dana yang ga jelas kapan, surat yang ga jelas kapan turun

untuk pertama kalinya gue bahkan terpaksa minum obat headache dan obat tidur karena: 1) gue pusing banget like all of the time and 2) saking pusingnya and feel burdened nya gue ga bisa tidur jadi gue harus minum obat tidur agar bisa tidur nyenyak

that condition happened around one half week (9 harian) post JSO

oke sebelum cerita ke depression stage itu gue cerita dari awal ya

I was scrolling instagram absent-mindedly on my bed when suddenly I saw her post The photo which struck me like lightning on a fine day Photo which hurts me like a woe’s sword ripping through my body Photo which boils me like witch’s potion There you were, with her, laughing like no ounce of fudge was given to world Laughing like you were watching one of Chaplin’s finest episode Laughing til there were nothing of your ass to be left With God-damned-me beautiful scenery

It was just your silhouette -and hers ofc duh- yet I can tell it was you

And I was being my self back then in my junior high years, Obsessed Beguiled Possesed Head over heels Of you

I thought it was over I thought I’ve moved on I thought I’ve known better

It only takes one photo to ruin a really great day It only takes one photo to realize feelings buried deep inside It only takes one photo to flip somebody’s heart

I’ve been lying to myself all these years I’ve been burying my own feelings all these years

All those tingling sensation I felt when I met you All those butterflies I had when I lock eyes with you All those anticipation I had when I chat you

you are the flame and I am the moth

for who doesn’t know the danger of getting too close to you

yet still takes the risk of doing so

for when she is burned, she wondered, “what the hell went wrong?”

when she knew it all along, we aren’t meant to be together

so what I’ll be telling you guys is how I met someone whom used to be my everything (lol) like months ago, and out of blue we never met

it was like he wasn’t even want to be part of

although for a fact I do know he was forced but still

before our unexpected rendezvous, I’ve been (on purpose) eating in fisipoint because well, that’s where his faculty

and by ‘on purpose’ I meant everyday

yup, everyday and every chance I got I’ll go to fisipoint to either just eat, doing paper or accompanying my friends because well, the heart wants what it wants, right?

every now and then I saw his friends, everything that reminded me of him, and yet I ain't seeing him

so anyway, after weeks of eating continuously there, and couldn’t even get the slightest glimpse of him, I gave up. I aint going there anymore, aint even suggested there to my friends when they want to eat

and suddenly one day, my friend PMed me to come to fisipoint to eat, she begged be to be exact. me being the good friend as usual agreed to accompany her

we sat down, I order soto and iced coffee (MY MORNING FIX, DON’T JUDGE  ME) and we ate of course

done eating, we were then talking about our never-ending tasks which is literally never ending and badmouthing basically everyone

that’s when my heart beats faster

like, I know he will be there even before I saw him

my heart beats faster, I start sweating, and I was confused as in why in the world my body reacts like that

then I saw him. I saw him walking down the stairs. with his white shirt, his glasses, and his stupid hat, I saw him walking down the stairs

he was.......glorious

I saw him talking to his friends, and I can’t help but just watching him from afar. then I waited him to walking back upstairs because then he could see me. and I waited, and I waited.

during the wait I couldn’t even focusing on my friend’s convo because well, h3h3

finally I saw him under the stairs, he was about to back upstairs when he saw me, with his signature ridiculous expression

he went “what?” when he saw me, and I do my equally ridiculous flower-gesture

“ngopo koe rene?”

“mangan lah”

“mangan ning kantin mu dewe lah”

“ra nduwe”

at that time I thought my heart couldn't beat any faster, it thumped against my ribcage like, call me exaggerating but srsly it felt beating so fast

then I thought I wouldn’t see him anymore for another months

but something unexpected happens

he came down again, see me....and smiled towards me

GOD, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME MET HIM

and then he ordered his lunch, and paid for it

since my table was near the cashier, I saw him paying and then I cat-calling him

“heh! heh!”

“heh sek tak mbayar sek”

“cie mbayar, mbok aku ditraktir”

“traktir opo, mbok didelok aku wae sandalan”

“lhambok ya didelok aku wae mung nganggo klambi gembel”

and that was it

that’s how I met you again

someone who’s able to make me awake at 3am

someone who’s able to make me go ugh

someone who’s been in my life

someone who I thought I couldn’t life without

turns out I can though :p

I overdosed

Should've known your love was a game

Now I can't get you out of my brain

Now that everything’s done, that everything’s back to normal it doesn’t feel normal anymore

It’s all over, it’s all done, it’s all in the past

the time can’t be rewind, what’s done can’t be undone

not that I even had slightest chance to begin with, not that my wish would be fulfilled to begin with

I’ve said it countless times

we’re two poles apart

apart by what you believe in, and what’s mine

but,

what sin could I do when all I did was just hoping?

everyone said “finally all is back to normal”, yet, somehow, it doesn’t feel so

it doesn’t feel normal

hell

one day passing without seeing your face is not normal anymore

it all bizarre

felt odd

not at first, at last too

sad, yes.

of course

what can I do?

well I know what I should do, I just can’t seem to do it

what a wacky feeling

HALP

all of these felt so fast

I can’t even grasp what was happening

like,

what the fuck?

sad, isn’t it?

I mean

I’ve known beforehand that once all this is over we won’t talk anymore

hence why I kinda told you I won’t greet you even when we meet each other

but,

UGH

I kinda anticipated this yet it’s all just so UGH

Why I can't move on

halo guys lama tak bersua

so as you know, for the last months aku jadi panitia buat PPSMB Palapa 2016, which was the greatest experience I’ve ever had

like, really

seriusan I have no regret at all

did you know kalo kemaren begitu Human LED-nya kelar dan turned out itu jadi, aku nangis?

HAHA

yes

aku nangis

part of me cried karena DAMN IT WORKED! aku masih inget pagi2 jam 1 itu aku MbaBung sama Keke masih ngecekin datanya satu-satu. aku kebagian data sektor timur dan Keke kebagian data sektor barat.

itu baru kelar jam satu pagi, kita semaleman ga tidur padahal itu udah hour-12 formasi

sebelumnya waktu GR juga semaleman ga tidur demi ngecek formasinya jadi apa engga

eh ternyata jadi

rasanya tuh, kaya, lo ga percaya apa yang lo liat dengan mata kepala lo sendiri. beneran aku ga percaya itu jadi dan perfect banget 100% keren

secara aku Keke Ulvi MbaBung ngecek 45000 jenis data dan cuman kami berlima yang ngecek

man gue pengen nangis

another part of me nangis karena that was it. it all came down to those exact seconds. semua effort came down to those exact seconds.

like, semua usaha kita, all those sweats, all those fights, all those caffeine, all those tears, all came down to those

dan setelah itu, our job is done

which means kita ga bakal ketemu se sering dulu guys

temen-temen acara palapa 2016, you have no idea how grateful I am dipertemukan sama kalian

aku bener-bener bersyukur universe has its way to make me meet you guys

dari kalian aku belajar banyak

dari kalian aku ngerti banyak

aku bener-bener sedih bakal pisah sama kalian, setelah hampir 2bulanan kita bareng terus 

legit sedih

cri

aku udh pernah bikin thanks to’s and sorry’s ke temen-temen di line, dan even if aku nulis lagi kalian ga bakal baca sih but, well let’s see apa gue ada niat malem ini buat nulis banyak-banyak haha

jadi berawal dari aku yang disuruh ortu buat daftar kepanitiaan palapa, dan karena aku sebenernya agak ogah-ogahan jadi aku milih acara, kenapa? karena: tulisan ‘acara’ ada di paling atas (jadi gausah scroll), dan karena aku tau untuk masuk acara itu susah jadi chance aku keterima juga susah

trus seleksi demi seleksi terlewati, awalnya mau mundur aja karena ga yakin sanggup untuk menghadapi semuanya. bahkan kelas seleksi kedua aku nangis karena aku berasa ditampar keras banget dan ever since aku bertekad buat ngerubah diri.

eh ternyata keterima. akhirnya dateng ke pertemuan pertama. eh ternyata cuman anak2 acara yang tau kalo dia fix keterima, anak2 divisi lain belom. aku di janji ga boleh ngasih tau kalo udh ada pengumuman. i held my tongue for about a week haha

semenjak itu mulailah rapat non-stop, mulai dari bikin first gath yang lumayan hmm (secara baru pertama dan ada interupsi so what bgt), trus jadi korteks dan kumpul bareng kluster di selbar, terus bikin second gath yang lumayan petjah, terus ada porlapa yang so petjah, dan terakhir pastinya PPSMB Palapa 2016

guys beneran I can’t express my gratefulness of you guys

sedih banget tau gak sih semua berakhir :’) gue baper HAHAHAH

terkhusus untuk sub-koor ku, terima kasih mas udah jadi kakak terbaik that i’ve ever had :’) aku emg ga punya older brother but it’s a good thing you want to be one. makasih udah peka dan nyuruh aku tidur waktu aku begadang semalaman ngerjain basis data, makasih udah ngebeliin aku kopi waktu tau aku ngantuk berat waktu jadi korteks, makasih udah mau nemenin aku ngurus apapun di fisipol karena aku gimana pun kan juga outsider :’) makasih udah ngingetin waktu aku terlalu kebawa emosi, makasih udah mau direpotin selama dua bulan ini, makasih udah ngebuat aku ga terlalu stress. makasih udah mau mijetin kakiku once all this over, makasih udah mau ngedandanin aku waktu aku mau take video, makasih udah mau sering jadi ajang olok-olok ku selama ini, makasih udah mau aku kasih tanggung jawab sebagai korteks bayangan padahal kamu sendiri lagi riweuh sama tupoksimu, makasih udah mau jadi sub-koor fisipol even though aku tau kamu kepaksa. you did one hell of great job, tukang tahu bulatku :’)

gosh baru juga 2 hari ga ketemu tapi udah kangen berat sama kalian semua :(((((((

aku sedih abis ini frekuensi ketemu kita makin berkurang. even though taun depan misal kita ikut palapa lagi, ga mungkin bakal komplit semua anak acara 2016 ikut kan ya :’’’’’)

so sad

aku sedih

pengen nangis

padahal tadi kita makan di f12 tuh aku pengen nangis tau ga sih

guys aku kangen kalian semua

seriusan

aku kangen kalian

kangen rapat sama kalian

kalian the best

my second family lah emang

worth it lah aku ga pulang 3 minggu

yesterday my energy was drained, which is why I can’t post this right away

I was the committee for 3rd committee gathering which theme was about sport and I had to be the referee for every kind of sport

well

my leg is killing me now HAHA

but the sprinkles on top of that is that I could see you so yea silver lining

the event was held successfully, well imo though, it’s just the evaluation will be held this evening so, finger-crossed!!

jadi kan kemaren ada 3rd gath panitia palapa dengan tema olahraga, di mana tim2 dari kluster ditandingkan satu sama lain

they compete against each other

DAN KLUSTER AQU JADI JUARA UMUM~~~~~

emang top memang

but what I remember most was how good he is when playing football

like, drop-dead gorgeous

half of his face was covered yet it he was so captivating

he played so good that I’m pretty sure he was the reason we could win

and his cocky-ass face while he made goal

damn

I don’t even know how to write about yesterday because it was so, in urban slang, PETJAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

porlapa seru banget seriusan, mulai dari bikin lapangan (yang terhalang hujan tapi untungnya jam 9 malem udah kelar) sampe berantem2nya, ribetnya ngukur rafia, misscom sama divisi lain, kurang bahan, kurang alat, bikin peraturan cabor

alapuy <3

sampe hari H yang disuruh dateng jam 4.45 :)))))) tapi untungnya diundur jadi jam 5.30 terima kasih Tuhan. dateng2 langsung disuruh bikin ini itu, mastiin semua siap, hectic af

mulai acara langsung nari anthem, wes pokmen love tenan

H-13 OYYYYY!!!!!!!!

terus lomba-lombanya juga seru banget. too bad aku ga bisa ikutan karena aku jadi PJ di hari H :((((

karena sesungguhnya inti dari post ini hanya 2: aku mau cerita how grateful I am for given the opportunity buat jadi bagian dari tim acara, and how heart-fluttering his gesture was

and now for the second point

jadi at the very end of the event ada perang air, which pada akhirnya turned out jadi ajang cebur-ceburan ke selokan

one of my friend diceburin dan sadly topinya jatuh (it stayed in the pit) he wanted to help my friend dengan ngambilin topinya

unfortunately, he was pushed by another fella and he fell BUT sebelom masuk ke air dia kepentok ke pinggir got

i was shocked because it looked like it hurts

like a lot

it hurts a lot

well it should hurt a lot karena kenceng banget natapnya

and out of everyone who was there, he called me to get near him which I did

dia meringis kesakitan like a puppy and ugh I just hate to see him like that

kasian banget sumpah

my feelings aside kalo aku liat siapapun natap beton kaya gitu kasian lah ya

akhirnya aku tanya

“mas rapopo to? koe mau natap opo?”

“natap kono kui”

“njuk pie? loro banget?”

“yo ngono, munggahku pie iki”

then I helped him up keluar dari selokan terus dia tiduran kesakitan gitu di pinggir

yaudin aku nungguin dia sampe ga begitu sakit dan dia buka baju (HAHAHAHHAHAAHHA) buat ngeliat bruise nya

and he bruised bad

like beneran,

bruised

trus aku ngeliat luka yang kaya gitu langsung narik dia ke ruang medis karena my feelings aside dia bagian dari klaster dan sebagai PJ klaster means dia bagian dari tanggung jawabku kan

nga deng ga segampang itu, dia awalnya gamau karena idk why he doesn’t think it was that bad

he fools no one

di ruang medis ternyata gaada ice pack-_- akhirnya dikasih semprotan apaa gitu yg buat athlete kalo lagi cedera

itupun pake debat dulu

“ice pack wae Fir”

“raono ice pack bosq”

“yowes rasah nek ngono”

“emang enek bedane?”

“*ceramah tentang bedanya ice pack dan semprotan*

“koe sakit2 tetep iso omong okeh ya...hebat”

“lha koe mau takon:(” *seriously he was pouting GAHHHHH

“wes disemprot sek wae rapopo ngko tekan omah kei es batu”

“rasah yo, biasa iki”

“lah koe yo ra rugi e”

“*silent*”

“*silent*”

“yo wes ndi kene”

yha selama silent itu kita liat2an ya btw so HAHAHHAHA i felt like my heart wanna combust out of my chest

tapi sebelum tragedi itu, waktu aku sholat ashar tuh di masjid aku faintly heard (aku udh kelar sholat ya btw) MC ngumumin gini

“untuk Fira, dicari *sensor*, untuk Fira dicari *sensor*”

and idky it feels like my heart fluttered so bad H3H3H3H3H3

mumpung masih seger di kepala

since it just happened so even though my head feels like shit it aint gonna stop me

jadi intinya,

setelah 2 mingguan ga ketemu

akhirnya ketemu lagi

setelah 2 mingguan ngeliatin foto line

akhirnya liat orang aslinya

pathetic, I know

sue me /shrug

jadi dari kemaren udah tau kalo divisiku dan divisimu akan bertemu

and I just can't hide the fact that I anticipate it, a lot

yah pada awalnya emg tidak seperti kita akan bertemu

what’s with my wording hahaha wtf

dann aku juga udh lost hope buat ketemu

eh terus ternyata divisiku rapatnya dihentikan karena sudah terlihat lelah

dan divisimu akan ke tempatku biasanya rapat

dafuq

good kind of dafuq tho~

terus yaudah, aku sholat dulu sekalian menyiapkan mental

HAHAHAHHA

eh baru aja selesai solat, suara2 motor di luar udah banyak

which means one of them is you

yaudah deh ku langsung cepat2 keluar

and I saw you

with your damned auburn hair

your spectacles

and idk how to say it but you wore casual shirt yet it was so freaking good

like, damn you were so damnnnnnn

though you smelled like cigs, which you probably just had right before coming

BUT STILL

I pretended to not acknowledge you by seeing other people

while my peripheral vision was admiring you

h3h3

#NOSHAME

ya akhirnya you saw me, and you walked toward me

i thought I was gonna pass out HAHHAHHA

like I had this huuuge headache before, and it’s gone once I saw you

well not gone gone though, it was decreasing

anyway, you greet me

“weh ngopo koe ning kene?”

“ga boleh jahat-jahat mas:(((”

*held hands* *hyperventilating*

“ndi oleh-oleh mu?”

“lha iki”

“ngapusi kiiiiiii dudu oleh2mu mesti”

“ya Tuhan tenanan mas iki duwekku, ambilen gapapa tinggal satu e hhahaha”

*takes one* “kok koe ra nggowo kui...”

“he? opo? ciu bekonang?”

“hahahhhaha uduu, kui lho sing cedhak mangkunegaran”

“opo? mangkunegaran i omahku e”

“kui lho roti2 barang o”

“jenenge opo?”

“L L ngono, oh iyo, Lat*ansa”

“hah? umurmu piro e mas hahahaha kok ngertine Latansa?”

*smiles*

damnnnnnnnnnnnn

dah gitu aja