𝐾𝑜𝑑𝑖

showered and put a cooling patch on my chest to regulate my heat. chronic illness and the urge to run and exercise like mad after a binge is not for the weak. heat and exercise intolerance is killing me. didnt even get to the arms and abs workout before feeling ill and having to stop to prevent a flare as much as possible. fml. at least i did it tho.

chronic posting bc im actually coherent for the first time in a while

i wanna freeze in the shower so bad. the heat and humidity is killing me. gonna do the last parts of the workout tho. arms and abs then i can shower. idk about waiting for anyone now. im also not having dinner with my family gonna just go to bed.

fuck you mean an speed level 8 on the walking pad for 10 mins is only 40 kcals burned? fucking ripoff man

3 mins high speed jog on the walking pad after no exercise for a while. i am sweating man. its not even pain holding me back its the body heat. fuck heat intolerance man. i need to run but i only have until my family is home.

didnt stay awake and missed my call. my meds are making my appetite and food control worse. i feel utterly disgusting and i cant just sleep it off bc now i have to stay up till my mums home. i want a shower but itll have to wait till after my mums home and i wanna walk or run some of this extra food off. might do it on my walking pad bc im actually disgusting. i hate my body and how the meds i need to not be in pain just make it worse.

have to stay awake until 11:30am for a medical phone call. im getting delirious and im so tired but i cant miss it. theres no caffeine and im so fatigued from over exertion. im literally swinging between about to fall asleep and delusional laughter

did a leg workout in bed bc my pain and flares havent been as bad recently so im proud of myself. love workouts i can do in bed

spent the last of my money on food because im weak and god knows if gonna have money for my bday.

only 100mg of the hard stuff because i dont have alot but its enough to take the edge off since i already took 300mg like 12hrs ago. its not gonna be fun if i od while fasting but hey if i throw up it might help me lose more of the weight i gained from the binge.

game plan for tonight is to get high, play video games, watch tv ect and try stay awake until 2pm ish (11 hrs). i have my liquids for rn: 2L of water, 1 can of pepsi max (1-5kcals), 400ml of peach tea (156kcals) but i also have no real caffeine to keep me up long term. ill see how i get on but if i stay up then i can avoid eating by not having breakfast bc im "not hungry" then sleep through dinner.

doing another liquid fast bc ive been binging like a mf. i think its partially due to my new meds bc one of the side effects if increased appetite and weight gain (fml) but im gonna write out some rules and meals that im ok with and follow the schedule after the fast is over not sure if im gonna do 24hrs or longer tho. ill see how i feel after 24 and go for as long as i can. also trying to fix my sleep schedule so i miss dinner and dont have my mum making me food then bc its always high cal stuff

relapsing again bc i cant deal with this shit. wish i had alc too but i dont think i have enough to money to deliver it and i cant walk to the nearest shop like this

tried to call my mum bc i woke up alone in the house and theyve all gone to the zoo. my whole family has gone to zoo and they didnt even bother telling me id wake up home alone or ask if i wanted to go. i also then asked if she had the time later to pick up my prescription because im low on my pills that help my heart rate and migraines and i have zero pain killers left but she just told me shed have to call later bc their too busy. im so sick of living in this damn house just to be ignored. if i talk? ignored. if im sad? ignored. if im happy? ignored. if my health is bad? ignored. they wanna do something fun? im not invited (i kind of get that one ig? bc i cant do alot of physical activity anymore but seriously they dont even bother asking or letting me know where theyve left to or how long theyll be gone)

ive been talking to this really sweet guy and hes my age but is already on t and i think he mentioned having top surgery too and i feel like shit bc i dont want to be the closeted one that makes them feel like shit. i cant tell my family bc of the potential backlash but god i hate that this is also a problem. im either too much of a girl so weird guys try date me that make me feel like im not a man at all, or im not transitioned enough to enough of a man for the guys i like bc theyre out of the closet. hes so fucking nice too and i just want this one nice thing to happen for me. but then theres the worry if the relationship happens that ill worry him by being disordered, that i be a bad person and hurt him, or that ill just kms and that wont be fair to him. so im at a crossroads of i really want this but i also dont want to hurt anyone even if i do want this. why couldnt i have had a nice life? why did it have to be abuse and repression and neglect? why did it have to be disability and mental illness? why did it have to be being broke and unable to get a place of my own to live, the funds to move away and get on t or top surgery asap? its not fucking fair

i watched a movie with my family yesterday and they brought so many snacks and shit food and gave me weird looks when i refused stuff so now im painfully bloated. fml. i dont even want to think about the calories in all of that food