Not Heartless Just Using My Heart Less.

I haven't done this in a long time, too long. I've been really bad at vocalizing my feelings. Life's been so stressful and chaotic, and I go through periods of time where instead of having word vomit with anyone who will listen, I internalize it. I try and keep it inside and be strong for everyone else. I try to be strong for me, because if what Im feeling comes out of my mouth then I have no choice but to understand its real. This level of stress again can't be real. I was just starting to pick myself up and move on with the next season of my life. But I guess things are always changing and to some extent that's okay. Even now writing this Im not sure what to say because I've shoved it so far down that its like trying to pick up something thats way too heavy. No matter how much you try, you're just not strong enough to pick it up - yet. Eventually I will be strong enough to pick it up and deal with it, but I don't know that Im there just yet. Im just trying to keep busy and stay out of my own head, take care of myself. Its not as easy as it sounds.

So, I’ve been kind of using not using my laptop in the evening as an excuse not to journal, and I realized like that’s not cool because I have the app on my phone. I’m not helping myself any if I make excuses to not do things that ultimately help me with my mental health. Um, life has been really stressful and exhausting, mentally and physically. I’m not really sure what direction my life is going in at the moment and for some reason that feels like a lot of pressure. I mean it is really reassuring that I see videos and posts from people who are around my age saying that like we don’t have to have it all together. It makes me feel like there are other people going through similar things that I’m going through. I just feel like I can’t win lately. I feel like nothing I do lately is good enough, and I’m doing everything I know how to take care of myself even with the little things. I don’t really like to be alone for long periods of time due to past experiences in my life (a story for another time). I don’t really ever feel safe when I’m alone even if it’s only for a short while. When I’m home alone I keep the doors locked, when I’m in my car alone my windows are rarely all the way down, stuff like that. but lately I just don’t really wanna be around other people, I feel like if I don’t interact with anyone then I can’t disappoint someone, you know? I hate that I have to think that way but I’ve been working for a long time on being more independent and getting comfortable being alone for longer periods at a time.  I know that there isn’t always going to be someone else there for me, or with me. I know that I have to get comfortable being alone.  also sometimes I really wonder if some of the stress is just a product of my environment, which I can’t really control. I can’t control other people, I can’t always control what happens around me, whether it’s at home or out in the world so to speak. I will literally get anxiety just being in a room where other people are arguing. I can’t help it, I do try to calm myself down when the situation is over, but I can’t force my anxiety to go away. I just, I don’t know. I feel really lost and depressed lately, I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly. It sucks. And like I’m trying but I’m just running out of energy.

Its Tuesday, Twooo's-Day as well. Everyone said how magical it was going to be. Depending on who you ask, they'll say its because of angel numbers, or because a day like today where there's so many of the same number only happens so many times in a singular persons lifetime. I tried to say how magical today would be for me too, that it was going to be a great day, two is even my favorite number (no seriously, I didn't just make that up for dramatic affect). It was shit. I had so much anxiety today, maybe it was too much spiritual energy, and the expectation's I set for myself that today was going to be a good day. I got hired by a new company to deliver for and I started doing that for the first time this morning, and of course its nerve-wracking being new, and trying something for the first time when you're not sure what you're doing. I learned this coping mechanism a long time ago where you actually put your hand on your heart and talk to your heart in the sense of "hey, we're okay now, everything's okay". That didn't help. It was raining and gray all day, which I don't necessarily mind because my eyes are very light sensitive so a gray day means no sunglasses (yay!) and usually it would mean no headache; which I get quite frequently unfortunately. The pressure from the storm gave me a headache the size of texas on steroids, and people were driving like maniacs. I get a lot of what I call "car anxiety" because I was in what for me was a really scary accident when I was a teenager. Its really really hard for me to shake care anxiety. Then I got into a conversation with someone in which I'll spare you the unnecessary details that have nothing to do with my point. They said at one point in the conversation "well you need to try harder" and that really fucking gets to me. I've had that said to me at more than one point in my life. Don't you think I'm trying my fucking hardest? I try so hard everyday just to try and breathe, to do what I need to do. To be positive. To get out of bed. I battle my brain every. single. day. The absolute last thing I need, is for someone to say to me "well you may think you're trying but you need to try harder, because what you're giving me just isn't good enough." What am I supposed to do with that? Why do I always have to come back to this feeling that nothing I do is good enough? That I'm not good enough? I try so hard. SO hard. Its actually exhausting. But no matter what anybody says, I get up everyday and try to be the fucking best version of myself I can possibly be because my bestfriend taught me a long time ago is you can only give up at giving up. I think sometimes people want to convince themselves that they understand anxiety and depression, but they only really understand it within the version of it that exists within themselves. Which I can understand, because its not easy. No one can really know whats going on inside someone else's head, but I just don't think its fucking hard to be sympathetic to what someones dealing with or going through. I guess those two are sort of the same huh? Oh well. I have to remind myself once in a while that I have to stop expecting me from people. But I guess that's pretty hard for me to do too. It seems I'm at an impasse, huh?

So I stayed home on Friday because I was feeling so so run down. So I've had 3 days to recuperate, 3 days to rest up and feel better. So why don't I feel better? I haven't done all that much. I mean normal responsibilities, take care of the dogs, help out around the house (I live with my family again because of my break up). My anxiety has me exhausted all the time. It's like I can't escape it and no matter what I do my body just wants to shut off and go to sleep. Whats funnier is that my insomnia goes "Thats hilarious!" and I can't sleep well for the life of me. I got my haircut and blown out on Friday and don't get me wrong that was a lot of fun, Its one of my favorite ways to pick myself up and feel a little better about myself, but that only lasts so long. I promise I'm trying really hard to feel better. I want to feel better. So why don't I?

So I clearly didn't do so well on the journaling everyday thing. I feel so stupid when I get on here to write and I don't know what to say, just write what you're feeling Samantha, god. If I had to describe life lately it would be exhausting, stressful.. I was trying to think of other words but I just don't have them. I was going to say unpredictable but I guess thats not always a bad thing? Life can be unpredictable in so many good ways, but for me it hasn't been in a positive way. I had stressful medical things I had to handle, I was afraid my world was going to flip upside down but thankfully it didn't. Someone asked me "Why are you planning on things to go badly???" and I replied without hesitation "Because I don't know how to plan for things to go well." and that really resinated with me. I sat with that feeling for a couple days, because its probably the most honest thing I've said in my entire life. I really don't know how to plan for things to go well. I convince myself that I will manifest positive outcomes because I really DO want things to go well, they just don't seem to. I try to convince myself that I'm ready for the other shoe to drop, or that I won't be surprised when things don't go the way I'd hoped. I took today off because I'm feeling completely run down. Like there's no more gas in this car and if I go just another mile I might just fall apart. I don't ever feel like I'm allowed to fall apart. I'm wired to always be taking care of other people or that I have to be doing something. I don't necessarily mean that I have to always be busy, but I don't think I've ever felt like "Sam, it's okay, just let it out, you're allowed to not have it all together." and even as I'm writing this I'm trying to hold back tears because I'm stuck in this constant cycle of feeling stupid for what I'm feeling. I just want to get to a day where life doesn't feel so hard. Even after a day off, and getting my haircut/done (which is one of my favorite things) I still don't feel better, I don't feel refreshed, I don't feel rested. I still feel like I'm just barely holding onto a rope that's doing its best not to split. One day at a time, right?

Everything feels really hard lately. I was gonna write everyday but im not so good at sticking to things as of late. I think I'm going through a depressive episode again. Even writing that feels hard, but the whole point of journaling is to be honest, right? No point in writing down my feelings if its not the truth. Things that used to be fun don't feel like they are anymore, I don't have energy for the things I used to like to do. Im having trouble reaching out to people. Im trying to get through it and tell myself its okay to take things one day at a time. No one is harder on myself than me. I'm really trying to counter those negative thoughts with positive ones but its a lot harder than it sounds. Especially when it feels like everyone around you is either disappointed in you or doing ten times better than you, and both are hard to stomach. I've always had to fight so hard for everything, and just once it would be nice to feel like something came easy. Why does everything have to feel like a struggle? I don't want to feel like this anymore.

So today felt like, really really heavy. Everything felt harder than it needed to be. I almost stayed home but then I reminded myself I don't like to sit home all day with just my thoughts when life feels this way. So I kicked myself out the door and went to work. I did allow myself to come home and do some self care, take a nice warm shower, shave my legs, do a facemask and a nose strip. It felt so nice just to have peace and quiet and to do things to take care of myself. I wish I found more time to do those things. I keep putting off dying my hair too, which I don't necessarily love the process but I love how it looks afterwards. Im afraid I'm not there yet, to dye my hair and have to pretend everythings ok afterwards like dying my hair is the magic cure to life. I don't want to dye my hair and still feel like shit. Maybe I'll find the motivation in a few days.

Where do I start? I never know where to start. Life just feels hard all the time and I feel like if I say that out loud that people will look at me like I'm stupid. I hate having to feel that way, like what feels heavy to me would have someone looking at me like "thats silly" because maybe the situation wouldn't affect them the way its affecting me. And why do I care? Why do I actually care what someone else thinks, about the way I feel? I don't need their validation, I don't need them to be upset. I wish I could turn off the part of me that feels things so strongly, so passionately. I wish things didn't have to feel so heavy all the time. In the last year or so, I thought I found the love of my life, traveled hours just to be with them, made plans for the future, moved out of my childhood home, my family home, and it all came crashing down after I basically helped them get their life together. I found us an apartment, we got a dog together, I accepted their child into my life. and now all of it is just gone. How do you just move on from that? How do I just go back to my old life like it was a bad dream? How long does it take before you're over it? Because this feels so fucking hard and everywhere I look are memories and moments that I wish I could forget, or not have to constantly relive over and over. Songs that I wish I hadn't attached my feelings to, like a bad movie scene playing over and over in my head. I feel like for once I was finally happy, and everything was finally happening for me, and then like that it was all over. It was all fake and suddenly I didnt know the person standing across from me. How do you just move on from that?