Kid Yun

House full of people but the loneliest place to be. What have I been doing these last 3 years, 8 years, 11 years? You should've came here 11 years ago, you would've been happy, you wouldve done fine. As much as I hear from you that you might've ruined my life, its reciprocated 10 times over for you. I've ruined yours and have continued to do so, not on purpose. We are just different. My views and values doesnt correlate with yours and your familys. We dont see eye to eye, sometimes for your sake I wish we never met, I'm not a good person, who I am now and where I am now, I'm not a good person. I wish i could've save you from the virus that is me. Ours kids could've had better, could've been better but they have the worse luck in having me as a failure of a person and parent. As much as people think or I like to pretend that I'm a good thing in your guys life, I'm not. Look what's happening now, what am I doing? Because I'm a punk ass bitch I can't even handle being in a different state for that long. What's the point? What am I doing? You're all better without me, maybe it's time for me to just be alone, maybe you guys deserve to actually be happy. I obviously can't provide happiness or stability. I won't be surprised if I ended alone in this world, i did it to myself and honestly deserve it.

I'm moving in 2019. Fuck it, I'll save up all the money I need to just to do it. I'm done with this damn place, these damn people and this damn state. Everybody and their momma want to have an opinion on how they want things but God forbid I have one. Holy fucking shit I've never been around people who have zero common sense.

My work life and my personal life is all the same, everything is all kinds of fucked up. Everything has become a blur and I honestly don't intend to fix my vision. I work hard and put up with a lot of shit that people don't even understand and will never ever have to deal with. I'm labeled as a monster, a bad guy, mean etc. all because I call out the bullshit that people tend to put out. I work 5 days out the week and on the weekends I tend to try to take care of the house that always seems to be in a mess. I am busy and not busy every day. My opinions and my feelings are never taken into consideration but when asked for my personal opinion, people can't handle the truth. I don't talk to anyone, I have no family or friends where I am at. I have no one to turn to because the one who I thought had my back, never really had it to begin with. So although I do everything for everybody, no one does anything for me. I'm tired of being nice and being taken for granted. The three words I hear the most now is "I hate you!" followed by the four words I hear the most after that which is "I never loved you!" Thank you, no matter how I feel in my life or in that moment, I have never uttered those words because they are just not true. Thank you.

Because all of a sudden it's my fault you jumping from dick to dick

Never have I ever met someone with so little sense of responsibility

When you realize that you became exactly the type of person she hates and you don't know what to do. When did you become this person you ask yourself? Then vivid flashbacks come to mind when you asked yourself whether or not you wanted to live years ago. The old me died that year, the new me died when I left home and the person I am now is just an incarnation of everything I didn't want to be.

Tonight solidified the fact that I can not live with the people in this house. Partly because I end up doing terrible things, saying terrible things and just being a person I am not proud to be. Tonight is probably the worse night I've ever had since being here. Yes other people are stupid, yes people's stupidity can cause harm to my family mainly my kids but I am supposed to ignore it. I'm supposed to hold my tongue. I'm supposed to not do anything and I can't. I can't hold my tongue or actions. Things needed to happen to shift people's mindset. Yeah I'm sorry that shit happen the way it did but as far as I can see nothing changed so I had to make it change. Even if it meant jeopardizing everything. My intent in moving here was to start fresh with my family, not babysit everyone else that is here. Now more than ever I feel like I should remove myself from a household full of "in-laws". That I should take my kids and move back, which would be ideal but if I go back it would realistically be alone. I can't abandon my kids. But if I stay, I become a person that even I will despise. How will I look my kids in their eyes? How will I look at myself in the mirror? I hate myself right now but I hate the other people who caused me to hate myself more.

December 2010, sometimes I ask myself why I didn't die that night. Unfortunately I really don't remember the exact day or the exact time but I know that it was late and the roads were icy. At that time I had a RWD 1998 Lexus LS 400. I was at the lowest of the low, I had no one, my parents didn't care for me, the person I loved didn't care for me and essentially everything in life was throwing the middle finger at me. I drove that night probably 75mph maybe more in my neighborhood, hoping that I'd crash somewhere and never wake up again from the horrible nightmare I was living. Yeah, I wanted to crash somewhere and kill myself. Much like how I feel now, I'm in a strange place where no one cares about how I feel. Everything I say or do is wrong, I'm not allowed to have an opinion and literally should walk around like I'm dead on the inside. Nights like these I think to myself, that night in December of 2010, why didn't I die? Wouldn't her life or her life or her life or her life and now her life be better if I wasn't around or if I never existed. Maybe she could have become something more or she could've been provided a better life and her or her or her or her could've had a father they deserved versus being stuck with one who doesn't deserve them. Yeah everyone's absolutely right, I'm a shitty ass person. So why? December 2010?

Man all I ask for is support. That's it, I may not be the perfect person but someone has to discipline the kids and if you're not doing it, you have no room to critique the person who is, end of story.

When you have no friends. When you have no family. And the person you thought would understand doesn't. That's when you're truly alone.

Everything I've ever done for anyone has always been taken for granted. Which in turn means that I've always been taken for granted. When I'm gone, that's when they will realize. When I'm dead, that's when they will know. When I'm no longer here, it will come to light how much I'm really needed, how much I sacrificed to do what was needed.

Feel like a zombie. Dead inside.

I remember those nights years ago when I would stay up all night, unable to sleep. My thoughts of you kept me up. Afraid that I would dream of you when I slept and afraid of thinking you when I was awake. I was an emotional mess. Eventually we found our way back to each other. But now, here we are again. At a point where it seems we can no longer turn back. I can admit it's my fault. I was never really good to you or to the ones that mattered most. I never made your guys happiness a priority. I am a terrible person. Maybe what you're telling me is true, maybe I don't deserve to be here with you or with the kids. Maybe you should have never came back to me. You would have been happier. Someone else would have made you happier. He would have been able to give you the world. I failed you and the kids, I am sorry. You always said that you felt that you ruined my life but in reality I feel like I am the one who ruined yours. You don't deserve what I've put you through. No one does. I should have disappeared from your life back then. It would have been for the better. I should probably disappear now. You guys would be happier without me.

When you're in a city where you have no friends or family to talk too. That's when you feel lonely the most.

If I die, you're lives would be perfect