...

You chew it

You swallow it.

So you did it again today, huh? You ate everything your fat hands could get a hold of. Did it taste good? I’m sure it did. You’re never going to reach your goal if you keep doing this. When you wake up tomorrow morning and weigh yourself, you won’t be as light as you could have been if you hadn’t eaten so much today.

Are you even serious about reaching your goals? Because at this point I’m not sure. You say you’re tired of looking the way that you do yet you continue to shove food down your mouth with no control whatsoever.

If you continue like this, you’ll always be the fat friend. You’ll always be the one that nobody wants to be around. You’ll forever be the one that can’t sit on anyone’s lap for longer than 2 seconds without them squealing in pain that you’re hurting them. If you keep eating, you’ll never have anyone that asks you how you did it. You’ll never be desirable, you’ll always be the last choice.

Think about it this way: how many skinny girls do you see that look like they have the best life possible? Don’t you want to be like them? Don’t you want to be pretty for once in your life? Don’t you wish that you could wake up, get out of bed and not feel the jiggling of your body fat? 

Or are you okay with that feeling?

Right now, I want you to grab hold on your arms. Your fat fucking arms that bounce whenever you move. They’re gross. Nobody wants to look at them because they get disgusted when they see the fat wobble.

Now feel under your chin. Or should I say chins? Grab the fat. Move it around. If you hadn’t binged today, you’d be closer to that fat being gone. You’d be immensely closer to everyone making jokes about how you could cut them with how sharp your jawline is. Isn’t that what you want? To finally be included in the jokes in a way where you aren’t the punchline?

Now grab your stomach. Think of all the food that’s sitting inside of it right now. All because you have no self control. Do you feel it inside of you? Do you feel the calories being absorbed as you read this? Imagine what how flat and toned it would be if you stopped bingeing the way that you do.

Now look at your thighs. How big are they? Why are they so huge? Because you can’t control how much you eat, that’s why. If you’d lay off the calories and actually lost the weight, your thighs wouldn’t be the size of the moon right now.

You’d finally have a thigh gap. Your ribs would pop out. Your collarbones so deep that you could hold coins in them. Your hip bones would stick out and show how far you’ve come, how strong you are!

But instead of all of that, you chose once again to lose to food. 

So, what’s it going to be tomorrow? Are you finally going to stick with it, or are you just going to continue eating like you always do?

———–

this is just for me but feel free to use it if you want! i plan on writing more but i have no idea if this one was even good so lmk if it was ! thanks! stay safe <3

Because I hate myself.

Because deep down, I believe that I’m worthless.

I don’t believe you when you say you love me because I think I’m unlovable.

I starve myself because I hate who I am

I starve myself because I deserve the pain

I starve myself because it feels good to feel anything at all for once

I starve myself because it gives me something to fixate on

I starve myself because maybe, just maybe, if I hurt myself enough and lose enough weight and go through this, I’ll somehow end up okay. Maybe if I’m skinny I’ll like myself better. Maybe I’ll deserve to be happy.

#1 Sit up straight, it burns more calories.

#2 Do NOT eat in private, you’re more likely to bings.

#3 Always have a pack of sugar free gum or mints in your pockets, in case you crave for food.

#4 Drink lots of tea and coffee, but without sugar, cream or milk!

#5 Cut your food into tiny pieces and put your fork down between bites. Chew everything a certain number of times.

#6 Always take a sip of water between bites.

#7 Don’t eat something you don’t know the exact amount of calories in it. Sometimes you can fool yourself into thinking you’ve eaten less than you have. Numbers never lie.

#8 Write your current weight on one hand and your goal weight on the other. This should be a reminder of how fat you are and how skinny you could become.

#9 Don’t take bites of others food or while cooking. You wouldn’t realize how fast the calories add up.

#10 Don’t eat late, sleep burns calories and is a good way to burn fat without any effort.

#11 Keep a food diary or start your own Ana page, make an ed scrapbook, anything that keeps your mind off eating is a good thing.

#12 When you want to eat, exercise first. This will maybe distract you from eating.

#13 If your family makes you eat breakfast, wake up late so you won’t have time to eat.

#14 If you crave sweets, drink a diet soda instead, it will bloat your stomach and stop your craving.

#15 Before you dig into that cake, bag of chips, candy or whatever, take a deep breath and count to 100. Usually by the time you get there you will have convinced yourself that you don’t really want it.

#16 Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it against your skin when you want to eat. Your body will associate food with pain.

#17 When going out, don’t take extra money, otherwise you’ll be tempted to buy something you shouldn’t.

#18 If your family makes you eat dinner, paint your nails and say you’ll eat later. Of course this won’t work often, find other excused or tell them you ate before and aren’t hungry.

#19 If you’re likely to binge at home, get out as often as you can! Take a walk, visit friends, go to the library and read a book, try clothing in shops and look at yourself in the mirror.

#20 Wear perfectly applied lip gloss. It’ll make you aware of whats going on in your mouth.

#21 Make a food plan for the next day. (Start with the time you’ll eat and then after days or weeks get more specific and write down what and when you’re going to eat, when and how you’re working out, etc.

#22 Four 100kcal meals are better than one 400kcal meal.

#23 If you feel the urge to binge, write down pros and cons of it, draw your body like you want it to be, work out, go for a walk, discover new ana blogs, etc.

#24 Take the stairs! Also skip a stair - this way you’re losing thigh fat.

#25 Always have a picture of a cute skinny body to remind you that that is what you want to look like.

#26 Eat with your opposite dominant hand, you’ll eat slower.

the first time my hunger was fed

was when my best friend would ask me why i wasn’t eating

when she yelled at me to eat the food she’d brought me for lunch at school and i refused

she was worried

and i loved it

that was the moment it had become a project

seeing how many people i could scare

how little i could possibly eat

how tiny i’d become

this is what feeds me

no slice of pizza could begin to compare to the ecstasy i experienced when people got worried

then

when my best friend talked about the super skinny popular girl

it wasn’t in awe or jealousy

it was pure concern

and that was what i craved

that was what i desperately needed

that’s what is

feeding

my

Remember when you still thought 1,000 calories a day was so little...

For My Health

To have better skin

So I don’t sweat profusely

So I can walk up a flight of stairs and not feel out of breath

So my back won’t hurt

So my knee won’t hurt 

So my doctor will never say, “you really need to lose some weight” to me ever again

So I don’t have to worry about arthritis or other illnesses that accompany obesity

For Vanity

To feel better about myself

To look good in tight clothes

To be able to wear shorts in the summer

To be able to go into any store, and buy the clothes I like, not just the ones that fit

To not feel awkward about going clothes shopping or shoe shopping

To be able to order clothes from a catalogue without worrying if they will fit

To be able to wear something that doesn’t say PLUS on it

So my pants won’t wear out between my legs while the rest of them are still in good shape

So I can look in the mirror from the neck down and like what I see

So I can wear tight jeans

I want to wear underwear that looks sexy

So I can show off my legs

So I can go into public and not feel like people are judging me

So I can wear tops without worrying about the dents from my bra showing trough

So that my boobs stick out more than my stomach – not the other way around

For a Better Quality of Life

To be able to use a public toilets comfortably

I want to be able to read the scale by just looking down, straight down

So I don’t get those indents on my thighs from the arms of the chair I’m sitting in

So I can cross my legs

So I can get up from the floor in one smooth move and not a grab and hold on to something move

So I can sit on a bar stool and I’m actually sitting ON it, not on it and around it too

So a regular towel goes all the way around me 

So my socks pull all the way up

So I can hug my knees to my chest again, and it’s comfortable

So I can fit into the cinema/stadium/airplane seats comfortably

So I can bend over comfortably to tie my shoes

For My Self-esteem

So I can go swimming without being self-conscious

So I don’t worry about chairs breaking

So I don’t have to ask for the additional seat belt on an airplane

So I can dance without being self-conscious

So I can go on rides at amusement parks again and not have to experience the embarrassment of having to get off because I don’t fit

So I don’t have to worry about the maximum weight before I using things

So I don’t feel awkward when people start talking about losing weight

So no one can ever call me “a big girl” ever again

So I’m not embarrassed to have my picture taken

So I can say my weight out loud

*This is not my poem, if you know who owns it, I’ll be glad to give them credit*

I was 176
When the high school health department
called my mother and said my weight was approaching dangerous waters
And hence the sugar liquids
that flooded my shelves 
wiped out themselves
but what couldn’t be washed away 
was my will to health

I was 160
When I maxed out my gym membership 
I had dates with the treadmill more than my trainer had arranged
I logged in kale, wheat wraps and 1400 calories max
I was happy that putting on jeans weren’t as burdensome anymore

I was 140
When I officially announced to my family that I could give away my old jeans
I could now shop at F21 and Urban Outfitters
I didn’t feel so out of place in school anymore

I was 135
When Cheerleader Clarissa asked me how I did it
I said Burpees and Boiled chicken breast
Daniel, the cute one, asked me to text him the homework after school
I remember my first time running 5 miles and having nothing but water that day
When I got invited to the pool party

I was 130
And I was 130 for a very long time
I ran, jogged, sprinted and cried
but the number still would not go down

I was 122
When chew n spit became my anthem
And my face got way too close to toilets
My face paled my stomach grumbled
But my thigh gap and bikini bridge for the summer couldn’t wait;
appetite could

I was 115
When Daniel ignored me in the hallways
“Maybe if I lost another 10 pound he would start talking to me again”
Some days I chewed gum for hours
And when the clock strikes 3 in the morning, when I cannot take it anymore, I binge on three kit Kats and then try to get the devil out of me with a toothbrush.

I was 103
When I fainted during morning assembly
I heard Cheerleader Carrisa snicker before I blacked out
She’s still weird and ugly
There could only be one reason 
why I was still far from beautiful
My appetite was still too big
3 digits are 3 digits too big

But then you lose 20 lbs and all you hear is “Wow! You look amazing! How’d you do it! I’m proud!”