the first day of my life

they really don't make Bigass Cabinet For Computer anymore. we were at the used furniture warehouse the other day & they had so many. that's the way things should be. lock away that wretched machine when you're done looking at it

thinking "everyone can tell im bad at this" as i stand completely motionless doing nothing in public

i think i'd be checking my phone in the cuck chair to be honest

i love the point in the hero’s journey where he gets bent over and railed until he cries

does the body ALWAYS have to keep the score? maybe we could just have a friendly game this time. maybe we can just have fun without putting numbers on it

just saw someone say they were "hyperfixated" on cooking with seasonal squash i love that nothing means anything

i’m seriously traumadumping pepper all over these boiled eggs

I’m gaslighting my stove

Made a lowball offer on eBay as a joke and it got accepted. uh oh.

my teeth were perfectly designed to tear abd rend the soft white flesh of the gentle beast known as the mozzarella

Mitch McConnell has been sent to a nice farm out in the country where there's lots of open space to run around and lots of other senators for him to play with

washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes