HAMARTIA. (autoplay)

  “Make time.”

“It’s not like I can help it - whoever came up with these boring ass meetings needs a life.” 

"Look we all have days where we can't find our pants, it's one of the certainties of life."

"Sometimes I want to go commit a murder but then I'm just like 'too much effort' and order a pizza instead."

"Hey! I am not lazy! It takes a lot of work to seem this incapable."

"Sometimes I want to die but then I remember my favorite show is on Monday so I stick it out."

"I just have a burning hatred for noses, don't judge."

"I offered to bedazzle her vagina."

"I just want to be hot enough that people are tempted to objectify me from time to time."

"Sex is just so unsanitary. It's why I stick to cybering. No muss no fuss."

"Hey grown adults can enjoy Blues Clues too!"

"I wanna be old so I can call people 'whippersnapper'."

"Screw sex. Be a good boyfriend/girlfriend, give me cuddles and chocolate."

"Hey I totally have standards when it comes to who I'll have sex with. They have to exist."

"I reads gud cuz I smert."

"Okay but like... Being a fish would be pretty awesome."

"I platonically want to have sex with you. No big."

“So the fact that a large group of horseman are currently heading this way probably won’t interest you, right?”

“First of all, I don’t drool. Second of all, I wasn’t sleeping.” Ok, maybe he was, but no one needed to know that.