prev. chaostheoried.

he breathes it so easily   ——–    ,     as if she could afford to have all secrets aired out before everyone’s eyes.  afford for   public downfall   and take down of the hastings name.       (    their angry frowns permenantly etched into mind  ,    a motivation to stay locked tight.   )    NOT JUST THE SECRET ITSELF  ,     but its repercussions.     what it’d leave in its wake.      on the outside  ,    to onlookers and her inner circle she’s a perfectly put together puzzle.     clean-cut  ,    straight-A’s perfect attendance straight-laced goody two shoes.    party pooper of their group!   ryan shaver may jump over the moon at spencer’s dirty  ,    scandoulous drug-dealing.     (   which considering  ,    wasn’t all too difficult getting hands on in their hellhole of a school.  )           ❛      you say that as if it’s so easy.      ❜       bloodshot eyes give a slight roll   ,    raspy tone laced with cyncism.       yet  ,     ghost of scrooge’s past    could easily come back        ——-      ,    if one is not careful.      it’s exuhasting  ,    keeping up a reputation.        she envies alex   ,     no longer caught up in their kingdom.      they relentlessly tease     ——-    ,     but at least he’s no longer in their control.        NO LONGER UPHOLDING AN IMAGE.    she however?    still in a no-man’s land.      falling yet nobody’s seemed to take notice.      sleepless hours yields dark circles under eyes   ,    hannah never leaving thoughts.      or dreams.      ❛       there’s a lot more to my history with hannah than you think      ——–    ,    or moreso how our friendship disintegrated.       ❜        yet  ,  that’s all she leaves him with   ,    not quite ready to admit what a walking time bomb she’s become.       he judged ALIGNMENT with bryce  ,     secrecy  ,    unrelenting refusal in telling the truth.      what’d he think of spencer’s daveling in amphetamines?      

❛     yeah  ,    well   ,     some of us are still in it.       ❜          once you’re in  ,   you’re in.       one of them   ——-   ,   she’s still one of them.       despite despondency  ,   nor how desperately she’s been     distancing    self apart from That Crew lately.       do any of them have a heart?      or like alex’s   (  accurate  )   metaphorical declaration  ——-    ,     was spencer still their puppet?      no longer in own control   ,    operated by sleaze-bag neanderthals like a machine.     pills were supposed     to regain that control   ,      yet all they did was prolong sunrise well into the night.      shaky withdrawals without them in her system.       fainting spells  ,    were hell had not gone a minute with no prescription.       parents may call it a relapse     ———-    ,    doctors   or anyone with sense may refer it as so.       but somehow she’s convinced herself it isn’t like last time.     storm may be brewing  ,   as chaos ensues around them all.      A DEAD GIRL HAUNTING THEIR SUBCONCIOUS.      old habits were so easy to fall back into.       ❛     once you’re in  ,    you’re in.       and you’re in deep.      ❜           she’s echoing a familiar mantra  ,    adding in own tragic-but-true statement.        clique operates similar to the hastings   ,     they all wanted to pull her by the strings.       like alex had been  ,     or rest of them still were now.        vunerability is a weakness  ,     a weapon used for later.       don’t you dare slip      ———–   ,     public can’t see you slip.      don’t mourn  ,   simply forget.       don’t mourn hannah baker.       BODY IS BUILT WITH WALLS  ,     CLOSED OFF AND SKIN HARDNED.      views ownself as a monster  ,      but she’d never hurt someone on purpose.        trying so hard with her family     ———    ,     with flock of  “friends”.          (    except bryce  ,    of whom makes her queasy when around.   )        attempting to be nice  ,   sickly sweet even.      it only gets a slap in return     ———-   ,     she only wants them to love her.        bryce and co.   as faux as it was  ,      was as close as it got.      but maybe it was unhealthy.        linked to immorality seaking what’s lacked.       they are who her parents approve of as friends  ,  similar to melissa’s popular days.      willing to seak out anything close to love.           ❛       it’s not that easy  ,   look how long it took you.      ❜          she quips  ,     sass      (  and a hint of jealousy.    )     detected in in tone.

however  ,    it calms following his next response.         ❛     you’re right   ,    it doesn’t.    ❜           in entirety of this conversation   ,    nor in daily life does spencer hastings toss those words around.       ADMITTING OUT LOUD SOMEONE ELSE IS RIGHT.      come forth in defeat  ,     because everything is a competetion.         ❛     people to whom sin is just a matter of words  ,      to them salvation is just words too.      ❜         as i lay dying  seems appropriate in their situation.     ❜         also reflects upon ownself  ,    everyone around them.      NONE OF THEM CAN UNDO WHAT THEY DID.      THEY KILLED HANNAH BAKER.       they were all monsters     ——–   ,    each ridden with guilt as they roamed about.       but bryce walker  ,   known monster among men defintely did not seem to feel as guilty.      (   not as much as the rest of them.   )       each killing themselves over it  ,      spencer can’t sleep  /  function  and alex is equally out of shape.       they’re walking in a ghost town.     teenagers with their hands and concious bloodied.       so why has she returned to very thing which ended friendship with hannah?       twisted remebrance   ,     perhaps     ———    ,     or self-destruction?         attemps of grabbing hold of reigns  ,      or hurting herself as punishment?         either way she’s falling apart at the seams.

❛       they’re making me stay quiet on it.     hannah’s basically lord voldermort at my house     ——–      ,       i can barely bring her name up let alone step foot in court.         ❜             upbringing   molded who she is.     family has more of a hold on their    scapegoat     than bryce himself.       laywers with much more power  ,    could leave her homeless if wanted.     possibly revoke food privilges.       it’s all connected to them!   none the less  ,    she’s shocked how quick   (  and correct   )   he is in understanding.       how he says them  ,      not her ——-     ,     not their daughter.       ❛       you almost say that out of expierence.     ❜          shows how little they know of each other   ,      but are two sides of the same coin.      neither just clones of bryce walker’s army.     (    not like they’d once had been.     just llike last year  ,     except spencer’s still knee-deep in madness of it all.   alex is free.    )       ❛       well i don’t know what else i’m supposed to do.      if this gets out it could take down the hastings for good   ,    and i’d be responsible.      how can i help hannah without it coming back to bite me in the ass?        ❜             turns her stomach  ,    at how selfish it all sounds.       HOW MORE OF THEIR PRODUCT THAN THEIR DAUGHTER SHE REALLY IS.         (    if only alex  ,        or anybody saw how the hastings treats her behind closed doors.     how badly she wants them to love  ,    or even respect her.   )     though hardended  ,     unyeilding there’s still a moral compass in there somewhere.      an area that wants to throw the birdie and help her friend on trial.     no matter wreckage it’d leave behind  ,     or leave her disowned.      without any family at all  ,   even one who hates her.          ❛       it doesn’t mean that’s how i want it to be.      i just had to accept it that way in order to survive.     ❜

❝  easy?  ❞     a scoff,    head shaking quickly    (   enough to make it hurt,     to remind him of the never ending ache he’ll feel for the rest of his life.    )        the only thing easy about all of this was how easily he ruined his life.       it goes back to a few years ago,     when he had first gotten to this school and saw an opportunity here that he had never taken anywhere else.     peter standall was the popular jock,     the guy who everyone knew his name,     the one who made his parents proud so easily.     what if,    just once,    alex could be that guy?      he saw an opening,    and he took it.     AND IT WAS A DARK ROAD,    one he realized early on he simply didn’t belong.     if he couldn’t be a jock,    he could at least spend his time with those people anyway    ———     and the hold they had on his mind and his every action was deathly.     it wasn’t their fault,   though.     they were bad people with malicious intention,    but HE is his own enemy.    he still made his own decisions,   he still purposefully hurt the people he did just to impress those bad people.     that was easy for him.    everything that came after it wasn’t,    but his destruction was simple  - ——    that’s exactly why it had such a lasting effect.       ❝  you say that like i haven’t been through this enough to know better,   ❞      he shoots back.      does it LOOK easy?      he wants to ask her that,    yet he doesn’t want to draw attention to what’s wrong with him     (   even if he’s a walking billboard for suicide boy.    )       but he means what he says   ——-    he was stuck in a place he didn’t want to be,     a place that dragged his mental health as far down as it could go,    reaching his breaking point.     and he had to figure out how to get himself back up.     he likes to think he knows better,   likes to believe he has all the answers even if he doesn’t.     death wasn’t the only answer to how badly he desired punishment,     he should know better by now.      ❝   you’re far from the only one.    i think this trial is proof of that,    ❞       he points out.     SHE’S NOT SPECIAL,   yet that’s neither a good or a bad thing in this case.     there’s something familiar in the way she talks about it,    how she’s trying to blame herself  ——-   it’s what alex did when everyone was so quick to insist it wasn’t their fault,    all the while he was so aggressively blaming himself and trying everything he could for someone to hear that and punish him for it    (    but maybe ignoring that familiarity is easier for him,     better to stay away from that place in his head.    )      ❝    it doesn’t matter what your friendship was like.     we all treated her like shit.   ❞        we,    the people on the tapes   ——-    the people in court.      and now,    her     ——-   he wonders how many others hadn’t been part of hannah’s domino effect yet still hadn’t been good.     ❝   if you really care what you did to her,      then you’d stick up for her now.     that’s all we can do.   ❞       and he has tortured himself with that idea,     that there’s nothing to do to make up for what he did    (   even death wasn’t enough.    )    

he doesn’t feel sorry for her for still being part of that group.     he likely should,    considering how awful it had been to him   ——    both mentally and physically.     and he knows first hand how STUCK someone can feel,     making choices and speaking words based on what bryce and co. would think rather than what they know is right     (     he lost the girl he loved because of it.      he lost another friend because of it.      he lost himself because of it.     )       he knows it’s not so easy to get out   ——    but after finally being on the other side,     it feels different.    he doesn’t understand why anyone would stay.      he may still be recovering,     he may still struggle with relapses in his health,     but it’s nothing compared to the torture he felt THERE.       ❝   lucky you.     i’m sure being associated with someone like bryce fucking walker is really doing wonders for your reputation.   ❞      sarcasm.      he used to think the same.     but he’s not mad at her for it;    he’s mad at this school,    this system.     because everyone should be turning against bryce right now,    yet they’re not.     they’re feeding into everything he says.     they’re BELIEVING him.     they’re still worshipping him.      and that means they still have respect for the others like spencer   ——-    yet it’s so backwards to alex that it’s all too troubling for him to comprehend in the right mind.     ❝   i’m so fucking sick of people acting like bryce controls them,    ❞        he finally shoots back,    taking in a deep breath.      ❝   he doesn’t.     we make our own fucking choices.   ❞      they might be influenced by them,     but they’re the real enemy if they go through with it.     it’s what he learned about himself as soon as he heard those tapes from hannah:      HE made the mistake.     it was bryce’s list,    his intentions were all about impressing bryce,     yet it was HIS HANDS who wrote on that list,    his hands who created his own downfall.    not bryce.     and he’s not like the others were on those tapes,    blaming anyone and everyone else for their mistakes   ——   he blamed himself    (   and he put a bullet in his head because of it.    )      ❝   yeah,    and don’t you see what waiting so long did to me?   ❞      he asks,    voice raising slightly.      ❝   it fucking ruined me.      i should’ve never been friends in the first place.       if i stopped a long time ago,    i wouldn’t be fucking crippled,  ❞      he points out.       he’s not good with words  ——   too blunt,    too impulsive.     but he means well with them,    attempting to show her why she needs to get out before it’s too late for her too.    

❛     it’s not that simple.   ❜      she shoots back  ,    at least not for her.      TOO MUCH WAS ON THE LINE.     or was it just another justification to continue hiding her dirty secrets?      two of them had grown distant since his accident   ——-    ,   (  since hannah.  )     up until now.       but a lot has also been buried since then.     what ivy leauge school would take a teenage druggie?        pills  ,    her magic pills   ——-   ,     and recently pot had doent their job of    quieting the noise.     alex didn’t know he was conversing with a storm in the making.      or how far into the deep end she’d really gone.      (   how she’s slipping.  )     not being close with bryce’s ensemble was possibly a good thing    ——–    ,     it’s easier to lie to them and not feel guilty doing so.      as long as she looked sharp  ,   shiny and perfect  ,    did they care?        ❛     not all of us can afford to have our dirty laundry aired out in front of us.     ❜          selfish selfish  ,   horrible!     did this make her as bad as the others?     did it make them all monsters?        associate with a monster  ,    you are the monster.      look at who their leader is  ,   after all!      so why was spencer still hanging around them?     still quite unsure of that answer  ,    even for someone with a well-rounded  ,   high IQ.

❛      if i recall correctly so did you   ——-    ,     and so did we.     ❜        REMEMBERS THE PARTIES,  HOW THEY ALL WERE  ,    when hannah was still alive.      (   but what even were they ,   anymore?  it didn’t feel the same.   )     being made equally of fire and ice allows no qualms with calling someone out.      it was just selective  ,   when thought it to be necessary.    it stems from protection too    ——–    ,     how it helped her survive in her family.     yet somehow  ,   when armed against bryce  ,    her fire seemed to disinegrate.      when around ‘ friends ‘      ——–    ,      tough armour seems to vanish.      meaning they have more of a hold on her than she’d care to admit.        it’s sickening  ,     nauseating having to stick around them.     dies more inside everyday.     can’t even muster a false smile at their laughter anymore  ,    especially not at the expense of someone else.      (   even when hannah was still alive  ,   it was a hard task.    )      ❛      you don’t get to judge me for that.     ❜       it’s biting  ,    perhaps more than needed.       maybe because her clique can’t be defended.       AND HE SHOULD KNOW!      ❛      you don’t  ——–    ,     get to judge me for any of it.     ❜       it’s quieter this time   ,   in a lower voice as chin rests upon her hands.        doesn’t mean you are.     this sends goosebumps all over her arms  ,   chilling spine.      THOUGH ,   THIS FATE SHOULD SEEM OBVIOUS.     it’s a kind of payback you get for dancing with the devil.    karma taking a kick to the ass  ,  for sure.      maybe for icing hannah out when she discovered spencer’s drug problem.        but back then  ,   it was worse.     (   or was it?   what if now it’s revisiting back to old habits?    )    

head cants back to the side ,   studying him carefully.       ❛     i gotta lot of those.     ❜       shoulders shrug    ——-     ,  not that people gave any answers.     ever.    it’s why ears are always so prying.      ON THE PROWL  ,   HUNGRY FOR ANY that people were willing to cough em’ up.    (  an annoying trait to some.   )       but on her part it’s frustrating when they don’t give in.     she also knew her limit  ,   however.     heart may seem cold but it reeks of sympthathy!    part of spencer’s interest in reconciling with alex is purely that    ——-    ,    of interest.      yet he seems as closed off as she is.     ESPECIALLY NOW.     were they nothing but strangers?      ❛      it isn’t solely all your fault  ,    a lot of kids in this school made things hard on hannah.      some worse than others.     ❜      including them   ,    but she doesn’t say so out loud.      BUT SPENCER IS PROHIBITED FROM SPEAKING ON ANY OF IT.      not allowed to speak at trial  ,    not to step one foot in court.      can’t even be there out of moral support.     it wants to spill out of lips  ,    wants to spill everything being forced to stay quiet on   ——-     ,    pressures from different people.      wants to scream that it isn’t all her choice.       falling out of routine    ,    out of That Crowd was nothing but a fluke dream.       sitting with him right now was a risk.       but if zach could do it  ,  why couldn’t spencer?     what’d happen if their whole kingdom had fallen apart  ,   each defying their leader?       or maybe they were already falling apart at the seams.

suddenly her gaze narrows    ——–   ,    brows furrowing looking as though he’d slapped her.       NOW WHO WAS THE ONE WITH THE HEAVY / EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS?      ❛     i want to help hannah.    ❜       tone turned defensive  ,    slightly quavering with indignation.     as if to say  ,    do you really think i’m as heartless as the rest of them?    hannah was my friend!     but again  ,    like all of bryce’s followers  ,    each of them had a debt to owe.    couldn’t escape clutches that easily.        once you’re in  ,   you’re in.     aren’t you a monster for just associating with them?    despite all moral grounds  ,   even.     she shifts  ,    turning to face him directly with a torn and upset expression.      (   AND TIRED  ,  VERY TIRED.   )       ❛     believe me alex   ,    i do.      but i    —–   i can’t   ,   okay? it’s not just about what’d happen to me.     i’d be bringing my entire family down with me   ,    and i’m way more afraid of what they could do to me than i am afraid of bryce.      ❜      IF SHE FAILED TO PROTECT THEIR NAME  ,  OUTCOME IS TO TERRIFYING TO EVEN IMAGINE.      of course  ,     they’d do the same for her.      but not out of love  ,  kindness  ,    nor because of flesh and blood.     (   it wouldn’t be her they’d be protecting.    it’s always their legacy.   legacy comes first.   )      they confuse reputation and name with familial love.       ❛      forget it  ,   you don’t have to understand.      ❜       she mumbles  ,    not meant to condescend    ———   ,    but because who could begin to understand the hastings?     their twisted  ,   mind ploy.     bryce was intelligent yes   ——–   ,    dangerous yes.      but was he as powerful as peter and veronica hastings?       though she shouldn’t compare  ,    it was hard not to.       both were contributors to spencer’s falling in the deep end.      despite that falling had started a long  ,  long time ago.     long before alex even knew her.      ❛     it’s just how things work.       ❜  

he wants it to be.    he wants it to be that simple to air it all out and to never let lies and hidden truths hold him back.     if he had always been open and honest about everything,     so much of his life would be different.      he wouldn’t have tried so hard to mold himself the way justin and friends expected him to be  ——-   he wouldn’t have chosen to impress THEM over the girl he loved.      he wouldn’t have written on that list,    wouldn’t have abandoned and disappointed jessica,    wouldn’t have indirectly hurt hannah,    wouldn’t have felt his soul drain from his body as he got further and further to what he so badly wanted and needed     (    the blame,    the punishment.     )       ❝   better to do it ourselves than let someone else,    ❞         he mumbles.      and those words aren’t entirely directed at himself,    but rather,      everyone else on the tapes  -  ——-   despite spencer having no knowledge of them.     hannah aired out all of their dirty laundry     (      he doesn’t blame her for being upset,       he doesn’t blame her for BLAMING THEM.      that doesn’t mean he agrees that people like jessica and courtney deserved to have their stories outed the way they are.   )         but of course,    he holds higher blame to himself than to anyone else;     he ignited a hurricane,   he just wishes he remembers what more there was to it,    because he knows he’s still missing something.     eyes roll,     but he knows he can’t hold her words against her.      she doesn’t know how alex got here,     how he had ruined himself long before anyone ever seemed to notice.       ❝   rumors fly fast around here.     you either tell your own story or you let someone tell it for you.   ❞       THEIR WAY.      and the others that are just like alex,    in the same position as him,    they wanted to believe hannah’s story wasn’t the same as theirs,     but alex knew that if she saw it all a certain way,     then he was culpable,    no matter what his perspective had been prior.    

eyes roll,    an apathetic sigh falling.     does he need to be reminded?    SHE HAS NO IDEA.    and no one else really has any idea either.     they don’t know what surrounding himself by those people did to alex.    and though he refuses to blame any of them for the actions he made himself,     he knows just how persuasive they are,     how they look at him expecting some kind of show that alex was a willing player in for all too long.      ❝  did i?   ❞      he quickly shoots back,    eyes meeting hers.      ❝   or was i just another one of their fucking puppets?    ❞      HE WAS,   that’s how he sees himself.       ❝    i’m not fucking with them anymore.   ❞     spoken as if the clarification is necessary,    but no one who walks the halls of liberty high needs it.      they see the separation,    they see how alex only had dirty glares reserved for them,     all the while bryce and crew find it easy to pick apart everything that alex is,     using tragedy as something to JOKE about rather than to sympathize with.      alex wouldn’t want it from people like them anyway   ——-    MONSTERS disguised in human skin,    ones that are all too tempting to a boy like him who was once new to a school and desperate to find a way to fit in,    molding himself to be what they needed.     what a fool he was.       ❝    i’m not wasting my fucking time hanging around a bunch of idiots who only care about how the rest of the world sees them.     that doesn’t matter to me.    ❞       NOT ANYMORE,    though he can’t add the words.    it haunts him,    knowing how far he had gone just to gain their approval.    part of him wants to tell her she’s wasting her time trying to be their friend,    but it’s not his place.      it’s up to her.     ❝   we make our own choices,    ❞      he snaps back at her.      though he had made the mistakes he had based on how desperate he was to impress the popular crowd,     HE’S RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.   they didn’t force it from him.    they didn’t give him an ultimatum.     it was up to him,    and that’s exactly why he’s so DAMAGED now    (   both mentally and physically.   )      ❝   i was friends with them because i used to care about my stupid fucking reputation,     but it wasn’t worth spending time with them,    ❞        he points out.       no,    he has no room to judge anyone right now   ——-    not when he still feels like he is the one to blame for someone’s mental health decline and her death.       but if she still wants to be with THEM despite the way they carry themselves,    how can he stop himself?    

❝   you can save the speech,   ❞       he says quickly,    eyes looking ahead of him rather than to her.     it’s what he has heard a billion times,     that there are other people out there who hurt her or that there are people who hurt her worse.    HOW IS THAT HELPFUL?      all they’re telling him is that other people suck too,     that it’s not just him.     that’s not comforting.    it only makes his skin crawl more.      ❝   i’ve heard it a thousand times.     knowing i’m not the only shitty person in the world isn’t going to make me feel better,    ❞       he mumblers.      spencer doesn’t know that there’s so much more to it;     she doesn’t know that you are,    quite literally,     ONE OF THE REASONS.       ❝    and i don’t fucking care if someone hurt her worse,     that doesn’t make what i did to her go away.    it doesn’t erase that.    it doesn’t FIX that.   ❞         and conversations like these are exactly what got him to where he was that night in his bathroom,    so desperate for one last shot at PUNISHMENT.      people telling him that what he did  ‘ wasn’t so bad  ‘  or that bryce and porter and the others did something WORSE.     IT DOESN’T HELP.    he wants to scream it,     but there’s only so much he can say on the matter without revealing what they’re all trying to keep quiet until the trial is over.     out of respect for hannah,    those tapes must not be mentioned   ——   it could only hurt the case,    and the least they can do is try to help hannah one last time.          

TAGGED BY:    @neglectcause

             Her  lips  press  together  in  a  fine  line  as  she  inhales,  nodding  along.  This  is  a  whole  lot  more  than  Sheri  wanted  to  get  herself  into  to  begin  with—  helping  Clay,  hiding  Justin,  doing  Tony’s  work.  It’s  all  too  much.  And  if  she  hadn’t  promised  herself  to  try  and  make  amends  with  everyone  for  what  she  did,  not  only  the  law,  she’d  be  running  in  the  other  direction.  Because  all  she  wants  is  for  this  year  to  come  and  go  as  fast  as  possible,  to  just  pass  so  she  doesn’t  have  to  see  these  hallways  again,  so  she  doesn’t  have  to  be  reminded  not  only  of  the  huge  mistakes  she  made  over  and  over  again  that  led  to  a  series  of  tragic  events,  but  how  things  would  never  be  the  same.  How  there’s  still  people  she  knows,  people  she’s  friends  with,  that  haven’t  healed,  that  might  never  heal.  People  she  can’t  help.

  “ We  all  have, ”  Sheri’s  voice  is  softer  this  time.  Unsure,  almost  afraid,  that  anything  she  can  say  could  make  things  worse.  Jessica  should  be  here,  she  would  know  what  to  say.  “ Look,  just…  I  don’t  know  what  else  to  do,  okay?  No  amount  of  counseling  or  talking  to  people  that  say  they  know  what  they’re  talking  about  or  anything  could  really  prepare  any  of  us  to  how  we’re  feeling,  right?  Or  to  how  to  deal  with  each  other.  But  what  matters  is  that  we’re  trying,  and  that  we’re  here  for  each  other. ”  She  nods.  That  feels  better.

  “ I  can  do  that, ”  her  lips  curl  up  in  a   smile,  muscles  relaxing  as  she  releases  a  long  breath  she’s  been  holding  back.  Mr  Porter  will  have  some  words  about  this  later,  she’s  sure,  but  she  doesn’t  care.  “ How  about  the  mall?  We  can  get  some,  I  don’t  know,  coffee,  or  some  juice.  Maybe  a  pretzel. ”  Sheri  shrugs,  pocketing  her  car  keys  out  of  her  backpack,  “ Oh  I  know  what  we  should  get!  Popcorn.  Then  we  go  all  the  way  up  to  the  last  floor  and  throw  some  down,  whoever  gets  them  to  hit   someone  gets  a  point.  I  used  to  play  that  with  my  dad  when  I  was  little. ”

he’s a loose cannon these days,     though he always has been.     he has always acted on impulse and allowed his anger to drive him in any situation.     blunt words,    clenched fists,    darted glares    ——-   it’s so much easier for him than to ever just breathe,     to take a step back from a situation and really look at it in a different light.       mother and father want him to focus on himself,    and he knows why.    if he’s doing that,    he’s not paying attention to everything around him,    he’s not picking apart everything that happens,     he’s not causing a scene that will embarrass them more than worry them.      it’s easier for them to keep him contained,    as if an animal needs a cage.       he can’t do that anymore   ——-   after months of being locked up in his bedroom left only to think about things HE CAN’T REMEMBER,    he has to get out.    he has to talk to the people he spent time with when his mental health had deteriorated,    in hopes that maybe,    something will click.    and maybe,    his memory isn’t GONE forever.     he knows why his parents don’t want him to remember,    because it’s what got him to where he had been.     but he survived,   and he had to survive for a reason.    that means nothing if he can’t do something to fix what had happened.

❝   no,   ❞      he quickly shoots back.    he knows that for sure.     all of the therapy and counseling he’s been through,     all of the attempts to talk to anyone around him    ( both new and old  )    hasn’t gotten him anywhere.    he’s made progress,    certainly more physically than emotionally,    but the mental progress can all only last so long.     he feels okay because HE DOESN’T REMEMBER.    he feels okay because there are gaps in his brain that are filling him with emptiness rather than the horrid guilt and sorrow that he felt months ago.    that emptiness is starting to haunt him more and more,   and he has convinced himself that he is at a stand still until he learns more.     that pain he once felt,    it’s better to know it and understand it now than to deal with this void of it any longer.      ❝   no one understands what we’re going through and no one knows what the hell to say to us.    ❞       obviously,   they can’t turn to porter     (   he’s part of the problem.  )       they all have something in common,    but even none of them really know what the others are going through   ——-     they’re all dealing in such different ways.       the scar on alex’s head,     sheri’s now criminal record,     it’s all proof of that.      ❝   i don’t need anymore help.     got plenty of it already,     that’s not what i need.       i need answers.     i need my fucking memory back,    ❞       he insists,    words louder    ——-    though the outburst is more to himself than it is towards sheri at all.    

he gulps,    eyes softening as he looks back at her.     ❝   ——-   yeah,   ❞      he mumbles,     knowing she’s right.    it’s better that they have each other.     it’s what alex was afraid of,     that after doing what he did and going through what he went through,    the others who had the same information as him would abandon him    (   shouldn’t he have expected it,    given what hannah said on those tapes?  )     BUT THEY DIDN’T,   and that’s telling to why he was so quick to bounce out of his friendship with the popular crowd.    they’re the ones who are poking fun at the broken boy,     while the people on the tape are watching him closely,    hoping he can get better.      ❝  this would all be so much fucking worse if we weren’t doing this together.    ❞       most of them,    anyway.     some people just can’t change,    but those who have started to cope with all of this and grieved in a  more mature way are the ones he wants by his side.     they’re the ones who are finally going to understand why this was so hard for alex to manage months ago.