twist the knife

Dear baby,

Today was supposed to be your due date.

I should be holding you in my arms, counting your tiny fingers and toes, and learning all the little things that make you you. Instead, I’m sitting here thinking about the life we never got to have together.

I only knew you for a short time, but I loved you from the moment I knew you were there. Losing you at 7 weeks didn’t make that love any smaller. It didn’t make you any less real, and it didn’t make me any less your mum.

I often wonder who you would have looked like, what colour your eyes would have been, and what kind of little personality you would have had. Those are things I’ll never know, but I still think about them.

Today, more than anything, I just want you to know that you were wanted, you were loved, and you are remembered. Not a day goes by that I don’t carry a piece of you with me.

I miss you, my sweet baby. And on the day that should have been your birthday, I’m sending all my love to wherever you are.

Love always,

October left a quiet place in me

no one else can see.

A small, invisible absence

that still echoes when the world gets still.

I told myself I was healing,

that the ache had softened

into something I could carry

without it spilling over.

But grief is strange like that—

it sleeps lightly.

Today it woke

in the shape of happy news,

a new baby on the way,

tiny socks and hopeful names

and everyone smiling.

And I am smiling too.

I really am.

Because love does that—

it makes room for joy for others

even when your own arms feel empty.

But somewhere inside me

October still whispers.

It whispers when I see prams

rolling down the pavement,

when parents lift their babies

like the most natural miracle in the world.

It whispers that I almost had that.

That once,

for a small and sacred moment,

I was someone’s mother too.

People think grief fades

like a bruise turning yellow and gone.

But some griefs

are more like tides.

They leave,

they return,

they remind you the ocean is still there.

So tonight I hold two truths

in the same trembling hands:

I am so happy for them.

And my heart is breaking again.

Both are real.

Both are love.

And somewhere beyond the noise of this world

there is a small life

who only ever knew warmth

I was supposed to meet you.

That thought sits in my chest

like something unfinished,

a sentence cut off

in the middle of a breath.

People talk about miscarriages

like they’re statistics,

like they’re common,

like that somehow makes them smaller.

But you weren’t common to me.

You were everything

that was about to happen.

You were mornings

with sleepy smiles,

tiny socks lost in the laundry,

a laugh I had never heard before.

And instead

I got silence.

I got doctors’ voices

too calm,

too practiced

at saying the worst things gently.

I got a body

that felt like it had betrayed me.

I got to walk back into the world

pretending nothing had happened

while carrying a grief

most people couldn’t even see.

It makes me angry sometimes.

Angry that the world kept going.

Angry that my arms are empty.

Angry that something so small

could leave a hole this big.

Because you were supposed to be here.

You were supposed to cry,

to grow,

to take your first breath

in a room full of love.

Instead

you left before the world

even knew you existed.

But I knew.

And that has to count

Daddy, Why Did You Kill Me?

In the dark of night, I begged for a chance,

A fragile girl, caught in a cruel dance.

Hope flickered softly, but where did it go?

Your choice loomed large, and I felt the blow.

You made your mark, thought it was right,

Chasing a dream, but I lost my fight.

In that moment, my future slipped away,

Your vote felt heavy, like night turned to gray.

I cried out for help, just wanted to be free,

But the rules you backed, they turned on me.

A whisper of fear, a pain so deep,

My world fell apart, promises to keep.

Daddy, can’t you see the tears in my eyes?

Did the news drown out my silent cries?

Your own flesh and blood, left to face the night,

While you walked away, I lost my light.

In my darkest moments, I searched for a way,

But choices were taken, hope led astray.

I needed your strength, but you left me alone,

Now I’m just a memory, a heart made of stone.

Drifting through echoes of what could have been,

A daughter, a dreamer, lost in the din.

So, daddy, I ask, with this ache in my chest,

Why did you kill me? Was this your best?

In the shadow of your choice, I whisper your name,

For the life that was stolen, the unending shame.

In every heartbeat, in each tear I shed,

Longing for a love that burns like a flame

But you're a distant star, out of my grasp

Leaving me stranded in this endless, lonely gasp

I trace the outline of your ghostly presence

Aching for your touch, feeling your absence

My heart aches with a longing so deep

For a love that I can never keep

Your shadow dances in the moonlight's glow

A bittersweet reminder of what I'll never know

I reach out, but you slip through my fingers

Leaving me to linger, lost in the echoes that linger

I drown in the sea of unspoken words

Wishing for a love that never occurred

Aching for a heart that will never be mine

Leaving me stranded in this endless, hopeless line

I cling to the memories that haunt my dreams

Aching for a love that will never redeem

But I'll hold onto the fragments of what could have been