oh that I had been writ down an ass

it’s cause you’re always chained to that damn radiator

i love absorbing iwtv content exclusively from the dash because you could tell me literally ANYTHING was going on in that show and i'd be like that tracks with what i've seen. they're all actors in a play together. they had a lesbian daughter but there were custody issues and i think she died in a plane crash or something it's really tragic. one of them isn't even real he's just a long-term hallucination the other one has been having. they opened up their marriage to include a third guy who's hot and even more evil. the two guys and their third are all sleeping with a journalist who used to be young and is now old. after they got divorced one of them decided to reinvent himself as iggy pop and i think that's a perfectly fine way to cope.

HEARTBREAKING: friends who i should be going to the movies and playing dnd and watching anime and cosplaying and going to the mall and having sleepovers and exploring the woods with live one hundred trillion miles away

so does anyone else still have that thing that picks them up, puts them down, picks them up, puts them down, picks them up, puts them down, a hundred times a day?? yk like it picks you up, puts you down, chews you up, spits you out, picks you up, puts you down??? or did everyone else figure that out sometime in the last four years 😬😬

happy pride to girls who didn’t know that women could be nice to you, inscrutable polycules, straight people in forbidden marriages, body snatchers who kiss their own reflections, poets obsessed with long-dead warriors, predatory cougars, lesbians who are in fact the problem, and girls who are in love with a corpse

did you hear mark zuckerberg renamed facebook to ligma

what’s facebook

what’s facebook

who the hell is mark zuckerberg

someone needs to stop this blue guy

when you compliment or thank someone for being such a good friend to you and they hit you with the "i'm going to totally betray your trust soon and you're making it really difficult not to feel conflicted about it" stare 😂😂

the thing is you gotta milk these relationships for all they're worth because when you're a dog that's going to be euthanised soon in someone's eyes there's almost nothing they won't do for you however ☝️ you may struggle to get them to put aside their ethical hangups to have sex with you. in case you were wondering.

the best thing a man can be is gay and suicidal and miserable and utterly unlikable and unpleasant to be around and prone to addiction and abused and traumatized and not breaking the cycle and

villain going to the goon shelter to pick out a new henchman

this energetic and diabolical boy was rescued from a goon hoarding situation… he loves pulling levers, gloating, and turning cranks with great abandon. prefers to be the only goon. needs an active lair with plenty of enrichment.

now this fella comes with some baggage. his previous villain was going to have put down when he refused to perform unsedated human vivisection as a form of torture. one of our agents intercepted the execution and brought him to the goon shelter. would thrive in an environment of G or PG-rated villainry.

on the other hand, if you’re looking for something a little more… advanced… then this fine lady over here would make a great challenge for an experienced villain able to set firm boundaries. she will NOT be released to first-time villains; proof of prior henchpeople must be demonstrated before adoption approval. high prey drive. under no circumstances should she be left alone with children or small animals. must sign waiver releasing the goon shelter from responsibility if her behavior is deemed excessively depraved.

These two are pair-bonded and may only be adopted together. Up for anything, they are fiercely loyal to their employer provided their needs are met and they are permitted to hold hands. They look alarmingly similar to one another but it is undeterminable whether they are close blood relatives or lovers who choose to dress and style themselves in identical ways. Habit of finishing each other’s sentences with rhyming couplets; we have not attempted to train this out of them. Will answer to whatever names or titles you give them so long as they are complimentary and/or rhyme.

Will you help this goon find his forevil lair? He’s been returned to the goon shelter six times now but we refuse to give up on him. A vile little rat of a man, he’d be the perfect accomplice to someone willing to overlook his unfortunate heterosexuality. If gay-coding is not your style and you don’t expect it from a henchman, please consider giving this little guy a good home in your dastardly schemes.

This guy is not your typical goon. He was rescued from a high-kill shelter after being deemed unfit for henching. His deep baritone voice, his darkly handsome good looks, and his flair for the dramatic have made prospective employers pass over him time and time again, making him the longest resident of the goon shelter. But don’t judge a book by its cover—while his appearance and demeanor suggest “villain”, his real passion is taking orders and faithfully serving a master. If you’re secure in your villainry and not prone to jealousy, he may just be what it takes to turn your base into a lair.

You're stranded on a deserted island with the person on your lockscreen. How screwed are you?

Okay but whose subjective experience is ontologically correct????

mine

Hers

mine

julia’s

mine

yeah its julias

Julia's

yeah julia's

Hm guess that settles that. This "philosophy" shit is pretty easy.

every time someone realizes they dont have to pick between being a boy or a girl an angel gets its wings btw. and also extremely loud cheering can be heard in the distance from me specifically