idk man

But they change my entire personality. My entire outlook on life. It feels like there's a beast that's choking me and screaming in my ear that I don't deserve to live, over and over and over. I can't do anything but lay on my side and cry and pull out my hair and try to ignore it. Try to drown out it's incessent screaming to grab a knife or some pills or anything in reach. "It'll be over eventually" I tell myself, "just wait it out. It'll stop. At some point, it'll stop and I'll feel normal again."

None of it feels normal. It's so much more intense and violent and unavoidable than any moodswing I had as a teenager. The emotional pain is physical, I feel my chest tearing open, my stomach twisting into painful knots, every part of my body writhing with a misery so intense that it's hurting me.

Just once. I'd like to have someone to take care of me when this happens. To sit with me until it's over, to hold me, to be reassuring, to force me to eat when it feels to awful to move. But as always, any time I even begin to express a negative emotion of any kind, everyone backs off like terrified prey. My flatmate avoids me like the plague, my family tell me to text back only when I'm happy again, my friends pretend to be busy and keep their distance. Nobody wants to deal with me when I'm sad, or scared, or in pain.

People on the internet are nice but they're all so far away, and I wonder in truth, whether it would be different if they were really here to see me cry, or if they'd just cower too. Unwilling to deal with the messy parts.

I like to imagine all Rito food is unbearably hot, even deserts, because they soak all their food stores in hot pepper oil. They have to import in most of their fresh produce because not much grows in Hebra beyond wheat and hot peppers, so they probably jar or dry a lot to preserve it, so everything in the food stores is just completely infused with pepper oil. They can't taste it and it keeps out critters.

Not that many mice or rats dare enter a village full of enormous birds of prey anyway. But it keeps out the bugs and beasties that do dare.

But every now and then SPECIFICALLY after a migraine, I'll have one random day of obsessive, hyperfixiation art. I'll paint twenty canvases, I'll break out the oil pastels and fancy pencils and bang out masterpiece after masterpiece.

Then I'll crash out and immediately return to being a burnt out husk again. It's as if the migraine triggers some random event that prompts my brain into thinking it's ten years ago for like one day.

Is it worth the agony of a migraine? No. Nothing in this world is worth that utter unfathomable misery.

Urbosa sat for weeks unable to stop watching her body decay. She can't bring herself to look away from it even though it disgusts her to watch it rot.

Revali still doing a daily systems report over the radio because it was just...routine. It doesn't matter now because the beasts aren't theirs, but he keeps reporting anyway. After a few months, he pivots and starts describing the sunrise instead. He's the only one on the top of his beast rather than inside it, so it helps the others keep track of the days and remember. His poetic language finally has purpose.

Daruk jogging around his beast trying to train. Trying to keep strong for when Link arrives. Deep down he knows his physical body is gone, but if he just doesn't look at it then he can pretend he's still fine. Sometimes he talks to invisible folk just to stave off the loneliness. He was so social, he misses the Gorons.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/87789621

I unpick all the labels from my clothes so I have a stache of them. So I take these clothes home, unpick all the shein tags, and sew back in tags for other brands instead.

Then I re-donate them again, usually to a different charity shop to avoid suspicion.