hidden pages of my book

Pero gusto ko lang sabihin dito na...

And ngayon as of marc 2024,

I'm liking another girl 👀

June 2024 update bitches!!! Well, first happy pride month (and this is somehow correlates to this topic 🌈🏳️‍🌈)

Later on, she revealed that it was actually a girl that she's having a situationship with and that my folks, is the fact that affected me. Idk, I'm not planning or thinking of pursuing her or going into anything serious at first, but it made me think that I now had wayyyy lesser chance with her.

Maybe I just really like her too much that I am suspecting every interaction we had. Like it feeds my delusion. I admit that there are a lot of days as well where I tell myself that "oh nah, now I don't think I really like her". But after some time it will turn into "boy oh boy, motherfucker I still like her".

Lately, I've been having a real hard time determining whether if this is a "happy crush" or if it's more than as simple as that (oh no please).

And another reason It has been a bit of a struggle with my feelings or emotions currently is, I'm now starting to feel hurt whenever I'm hearing her tell how great is the one she's currently talking to right now. And FUCKKKKKK it why the FUCK am I feeling this way now?? HA??? BAKET HA?? DEPOTA!!!! Are these feelings towards you somehow progressing??

Here I am struggling how not to fall too deep into feelings while you also stopping yourself from falling too hard to another person who isn't physically with you. Oh shité, oh shité .... how ironic is it that that person have way more bigger chance than me despite interacting with her in actual almost everyday. AHHAHAHAAHAH what a shité life.

I’m Malk I’m 14 years old but I am feeling that am 70 years😔

My parents took great care of us, giving us everything they had, and my childhood was wonderful to some extent.

I lived through four wars, the latest being in 2021, during which we lost everything: our warm home and my mom's office where she worked in digital marketing.

My dad is one of the owners of the Jewel Tower, but my family decided to leave Gaza for Turkey in 2022 because the tower hadn't been built yet, and to provide a better life for us.

My dad couldn't leave Gaza, so he returned before the war because my grandfather was sick and needed care. I wish I were with my dad because I fear losing him.

The past few months have been the hardest for us and our family.

I hope you can help me by sharing the link and donating so I can get my family from Gaza🙏🏻🙏🏻

Wow almost 25 y/o ka na pala crimson loka ka.

So here I am again...What about me being 25??? Idk honestly.

Maybe I could say.. Crimson! 25 y/o, and suicidal.

Fuck this is too harsh for a supposed to be birthday (almost) post. But as of now, that is how i am seeing it. I am happy and grateful, but i am also suicidal. Does that even make fucking sense?

Because my fucked up mind really cannot.

Recently, ive been watching korean romcom series and i wished i could also have that plot twist where someone would show up and give some change to my life rn. But then i realized that im in no right mind to even go into relatuinship rn.

Hayyy so yun muna. Sorry ang sama ng salubong ng post na to para sa birthday ko pero sana....

ISA NAMANG PLOT TWIST SA 25TH BIRTHDAY KO JAN OH!!😂😂

update

27 y/o now, year 2024

And yeah crimson, Life moved and it didn't became best (yet) but!!! it became a lot better than we expected.

Sabi nga ng dear friend of mine, mas kilala ko na daw sarili ko than before. Like recognizing that I need help and such.

The plot twist that I did not expected at all is FRIENDS. I have reconnected with my og HS bestfriends and some friends form hs as well and had a blast last year kahit na mag isa na wala fam ko dito. Reconnected deeply and dearly with my og bestfriends that I think would be my "for lifers". I am so fucking grateful I couldn't describe how lucky I am that this is my plot twist for 2023 🥹. I am still beyond blessed that I get to see this part of my life and I did not end it all when I was 25.

I'll give you a pat on the back and a hug to congratulate that you got to see this part of your life, Self!

And there's more to look forward to. I can't guarantee a struggle free road for you, Self.

But life is long. Look forward for the future, enjoy the present and everything in between ✨

Pero gusto ko lang sabihin dito na...

And ngayon as of marc 2024,

I'm liking another girl 👀

o ano na @self?

ichachat ko na ba siya? di ko alam kung may gusto ako sa kanya or gusto ko lang talaga may ka chat or baka hormones lang to. shet

pero parang gusto ko sya ka chat ulit eh. or hang out ganern

may mga kachat ako sa online dating apps lately pero parang feeling ko di ko kasi talaga thing ang online dating kasi parang super awkward sakin mag entertain ng convos. tapos nakakaumay yung pagka awkward nya. tapos duda pa ko dahil trust issuessss hahahahaha

ay ewan. sana magchat sya or what hahahaha

pero feeling ko mej busy na siya kasi di na siya masyado nag mmsg eh. LOL feeling jowa yarn?!!

hays putanginang walang love life yan

thooooo.. nasa playing at not so serious stage pa naman ako deep inside.

more like exploration and drinking stage pa ko hahahaha

yeh

yan muna for now

ill post again here if may update na kalandian na ko

Then may nakalandian na ko after. Ok naman sya kalandian. Actually close friend ko. Kaso di sya okay sa *ehem* *chukchakan* ehem

Pero friends parin naman kami hahahhaha

Ayun lang. Basta andami na nangyari from this past post of mine.

o diba ang tagal hahaha

This has been a long time na rin kasi last year pa haha and it definitely felt CRINGEEEEE TO THE MF BONES that I've felt this way 🤢

So to sum this shit up..

First guy here that im talking about, the one i asked for a date, obviously got totally over with. And actually, we went out on some cafe several months after (ironic right? and cringey). It was supposed to be me, him and another old coworker friend but somehow ended up just the two of us due to sudden sched changes. And I have never unliked him like more after that hahahhahaa sorry (not sorry)

Then the second guy im talkin about...hmnnn...

we flirted and had like a fling then everything went down the drain from there when something "happened" between us LOL. To put it in other words, it was fucking bad 😂 (this is the MAJOR CRINGE🤮) and I just happen to reveal more about him from that unfortunate event that led me to realization that I really didn't liked him in a romantic sense, so it didn't hurt hahahaha. I guess another sorry not sorry moment for me hahahaha

On a serious note...

Unfortunately, this time became depressing to me. Not because nothing worked out from it or us, but it touched and triggered a horrible trauma from my past that I innocently didn't know would resurface from what happened in the end. So I think it's not somehow his fault because he's unaware of my trauma and we were not like going serious (which I talked to and made clear to him when I realized that we were mutually flirting, in which he also agreed about the setup). But also, didn't hide the fact that he somehow experimented his sexuality with me. Despite that, I'm glad that I did not develop any deep feelings for him because if I did, it will be another trauma and I could end up in jail for committing crime to him (AHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS A JOKE I PROMISE 😌)

Okay, that is all. Life is better now I guess..beacuse I happen to fall inlove with someone, - MYSELF 💖

I know it kind of sound narcissistic, but this is very unexpected for me. That I GENUINELY LOVE MYSELF, in a way that is not a peptalk to convince myself but one that I truly felt from within.

Love yourself folks! Still a struggle at times but a long way from before.

Sabi nga..

The sooner you are able to laugh at your own failures, to enjoy the process of messing up, the easier life will be. Because you'll no longer be afraid of learning.

And it can be very hard to learn, especially if you come from a family where a failure is a sign that you are a failure instead of a sign that you are learning.

You're going to fail at failing well. There are going to be times when it hurts, times when your brain is telling you that you should just give up and you'll never get it. Times when a failure is going to frustrate you to no end.

And you can still learn to fail well. You can learn to see it as a sign that you're learning, you can learn to give a little chuckle and say to yourself, well, everyone screws up sometimes, I'm just learning.