no one ever took me seriously because each time i attempted, i failed. i wish one of all those times, it worked. but im willing to try again. ive handled all that i can, from everyone at once. it’s easy to take responsibility for things you actually did, it’s easy to change, But it’s hard to take the time for things you never even thought of doing, it’s hard to get people to accept you. even when they accept someone who’s done WAY worse than you. it’d hard having to take the same shit from people who invalidate your mental health and the fact you’re human, who never own up what THEY did and how traumatizing THEY are, how hurtful it is to hear them say “you faked your suicide because you’re still alive.” and turn and twist things. who tell you your proof is fake when you defend yourself. who lie and add more to the actual story when you take responsibility. im so tired of being what people WANT me to be, im tired of being deprived of human contact because everyone hates me, im tired of living in constant torment because of people who are hypercritical and toxic and crucial, im tired of being in my own body, im tired of not being able to do anything right, im tired of being lied on, im tired of never winning, im tired of never being heard, or loved, or wanted, or cared about, or even considered. being so traumatized from these people, social media, any form of online communication, doing anything, SAYING anything. being so depressed and disgusted because i have nothing to lean because everything is refuted. everything. proof. witnesses that turn under pressure. friends who turn under pressure. tired of being fat, tired of my own voice when no one even bothers to hear it, tired of my own face even though i avoid every mirror in this house, tired of sleepless nights, tired of constant constriction on my heart and a consistent ache, tired of milesecond anxiety attacks, tired of the traumatic memories that replay every second, tired of being alone, tired of being afraid, tired of feeling ashamed when iI do something and it’s not enough, tired of having to prove myself, tired of fighting, tired of sleepless nights, tired of being looked over, tired of being taken advantage of, tired of having no justice, tired of falling apart every second and still trying to recollect the pieces, tired of trying to live up to my family’s high exceptions, tired of everyone who’s hurt me getting away with it and me taking the blame for things I didn’t do, THEIR burdens, THEIR faults, im so tired and im so broken and im so done, i am so done. so done. i mentally and physically can’t do this anymore, nothing is changing, NOTHING and im trying so hard. ive been in the hospital, ive been in a program, ive been in therapy, even what i said in there was from according to my grandmom, ive been on medicine. im not fucking meant to be here, im nothing but a literal walking failure. II am nothing and i am so tired and so done and i finally give up and surrender. i can’t do it. i CANT do it, i can’t do this anymore.
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
