@demolitiongirl @demolitiongirl
Don’t worry because this isn’t a hateful rant, it is a rant but this is just in response to the recent things you decided to open up and talk about to complete strangers. With this slim opportunity I mainly just want to apologize for all the things I’ve done that hurt you in the past that I can’t take back and all the things that I want to pay back but honestly I'm not sure if I’ll ever be able to. I'm apologizing for being a piece of a shit, because I was back then.
I was young and fucked up and didn’t know what I was doing or who I was, you can talk about me all you like and block me and tell other people to avoid me on the internet all you like, I don’t care. That’s your choice, I’m not going to try and defend myself when it comes to our relationship because there’s no point. My life has changed in so many ways that it doesn’t even matter. What happened, happened. I hung out with the wrong person and he kissed me without my consent. I sure as hell did not have any kind of sex with him, whether you believe me or not. We still would have had the same fights over and over and we would have broken up no matter what, Liz. You seem to have an unresolved issue with a 17-year-old teenager who’s long gone and somehow still spoiling your life despite having absolutely nothing to do with you or your life anymore in any way (like I literally don’t even rp anymore so I don’t understand how this is even a topic in your existence still) Be angry, be upset, be bitter, be whatever. Call me out for the relationship that didn’t work, let everyone know it’s my fault because it is. But is that really making your life better? You were one of the sweetest nicest smartest coolest people I ever met and in all truth, I fucked it up 100% there is no arguing that. At the time I didn’t really think about it, what would happen, how it would really affect anything or the way things would turn out. I can’t recall the majority of what happened between us anymore, but I’m sorry for all of it. I’m sorry that you essentially (I’m sure you agree) wasted that part of your life on me. That had never been my intention but I can’t change the past. I’m sorry that I hurt you and I just wanted to say that now since you called me out (I think is what you said or called it? I don’t even know anymore, whatever honestly this has taken enough of my time) and I had the opportunity kind of to tell you, I am sorry Liz. Truly. For both the loss of friendship and relationship, for all the things I unfairly put you through and all the times I wasn’t there and more. I really, really, really do hope you have a splendid well deserved happy life. From now on feel free to tag me and talk shit about me as much as you like, this entire part of my life is dead. That person doesn’t even exist anymore, honestly I came onto tumblr for the first time in a year or longer and the only thing that is on my blog is some random person who ended up being you ‘calling me out’ and a bunch of people who have absolutely no idea who I am or what the real truth is in regards to me, talking about me. That’s amazing, honestly.
All this time I’ve been sending my thoughts of apology, and just kindness towards you, hoping good things come your way (knowing that gesture was in no way reciprocated) and hopefully, good things do happen to you but I’m not going to waste my energy on you anymore. As it appears to all of been for not. Enjoy telling people the dark parts of the illness that made me into a terrible person that hurt you when I was young, the few select parts you choose to remember and talk about. You can be as angry, bitter and rude about it as much as you want, but at the end of the day all I did was try and figure myself out and put an end to the horrific way I was treating you and all you can apparently do is post bitter things to bitter people.
I just wanted to write this all out since your choice was talking about me instead of to me. Since I never really got a chance to address our falling out after it happened, so I suppose I’m using this now as a small form in doing that whether you read it or not. Honestly, I will probably never see your response or know if you even read this. It doesn’t matter, but I hope that you enjoy moving forward in your life as much as I do, but if you do/did take the time to read this and perhaps take back what I am trying to say here, I thank you. I genuinely truthfully hope you enjoy your life and live it happily with people you love and who love you, doing whatever you need to be happy. You deserve that. I’m sorry I hurt you, again, I’m sorry I was a terrible person when I was younger and didn’t know how to treat you properly. I didn’t know a lot of things. For clarification, my name is CJ, I am a girl. I used to play sadisticlangdon, as well as the characters on this blog and its original, I don’t roleplay anymore and honestly, I don’t want to with this community. I have been represented as both male and female on here and responded to being called by both, at that time I identified as both and was struggling to understand myself and the world. If you want to believe I did it to be popular, go ahead, because strangers over the internet definitely know me and who I am better than myself, right? I was a deeply violent depressive teenager who desperately ached for attention that ended up tormenting the few people around me. While trying to figure out who I was and what I was doing with life. I fought with strangers over the internet because they had a problem with you and the way you played your character and people think they know me for it now. I did a lot of stupid things when I was a teenager, not a lot of them were good. I loved you and I hurt you, so can I really call it love? I’m sorry my confusion and personal problems plagued your life so deeply. If I could take it all back, believe me, I would. I have lost friends, family, I have escaped from a massive wildfire that took my entire life and home and had the only thing that matters in my life die. So I’m literally talking about a ghost of myself to get this all written out because my life has moved on in light years, beyond this. This small fraction of the past in absolutely no way has anything to do with my life anymore. So if this is still a big problem for you in your life, I apologize but the world is a lot harder than holding onto something that happened years ago. Everyone processes differently and if you’re still working through it, good on you and do whatever you require to move on and live your own peaceful life. Talk about the teenager who doesn’t even exist and you people don’t even know if it makes you feel better. Expressing your negative feelings about it is at least better than holding it in and boiling over it for years. In the end, none of this will make a difference. I’m only writing this as a final attempt of apology and a final goodbye that we can both amicably accept and perhaps gain some peace of mind from. Do whatever you need to do to move on in life and be happy, I will be doing the same. I hope that you can accept my apology as I am not going to be trying to apologize again after this and I am not going to be waiting around for a response, I have other things to be doing, I hope you do as well. You can re-post this and start a bandwagon of hate on me or whatever, I don’t care. Do whatever it is that you need to do to make yourself feel better.
At the end of the day, it won't make a big difference in either of our lives, you will believe what you want to believe, you will feel what you want to feel. Nothing I could possibly say, write, do, or try to show you, would ever change the way you see things. It's your life, your perspective, take it however you will. Everything will stay the same, apart and for the most part, forgotten. It’s made my conscious clearer to of at least taken the chance to express my regret and my apology to you finally once and for all, no matter the outcome. All I wish upon you are good things, I hope that this doesn’t make you hate me more, but if it does, it does, I don’t expect it to make you hate me less and I’ve accepted that this is the closest to actual closure I/we might ever get with each other, openly and now that I’ve said what I’ve said, I am going to return to my absence from this community and website again now, have a nice day. Goodbye for forever and take care. -CJ P.S To all the people who apparently have/had a problem with me and can definitely talk about it when I’m not around but not to me. Believe me, when I say, nothing makes me happier than you literally not existing in my life, you people start and make so much unnecessary drama through the fucking computer it’s as amazing as not being apart of all the pent up bullshit. Despite that (as I know not all rp’ers and people are like that) I hope you all get the things in life you need to be happy and deserve, continue with your passions and I hope you live a full eventful life, everyone.















