Creature of the night

I cried yesterday

I don't cry a lot anymore, but I cried yesterday.

I cried in my bed, while I was watching a vampires SMP video, because I just can't listen to their voice anymore. I can't hear them speak, or listen to their music, because every time I do, I feel absolutely horrible for the people that they had impacted in such a horrible way.

When Legs had killed them, said that he was done with them, I had to pause the video because it sounded so real. Because it is now, with what they have done.

So I cried.

I cried because they did such bad things to the people around them, and it pains me to see when they weren't, when they were still building up a plan and collecting things to use against people.

I cried because I hate watching people go through that kind of stuff.

I cried because I knew Legs was right, and that one day, he would be done with them. Done with all the crap they put him and the rest of them through.

I couldn't even watch the vod. The Bannerfall vod, when they came for a cameo. I skipped it. I couldn't watch it. Everytime Apo blew that horn, with their song, I dug my nails into my legs, because I can't listen to them anymore.

And I'm sorry I'm even making this post. I'm sorry that I needed to get it off my chest, because keeping it felt like a secret scratching and clawing at my throat and my heart.

...My grandma died...

...Last Wednesday...

...My mom got the call while we were in the car...

...I heard the crying, even though she wasn't on speaker...

...I just saw her...

...We were just there...

...Only five days after we leave...

... She's gone...

I remember fandoms I loved and eventually left behind. Like the Sun and Moon show.

I remember Lunar exploding

I remember Sun seeing visions of Bloodmoon taunting him

I remember Moon finding out about Lunar

I remember Earth watching the Barbie movies with her brothers

I remember the fighting between the too oldest, Sun and Moon

I remember the hunt for the star

I remember Sun going to another universe to help his brother, only to almost be destroyed by a more powerful Monty

I remember the Pizzaplex turning on the daycare and turning to Eclipse because of something he had done

I remember Eclipse had the star

And now, three years later, everything is different.

Saturn? Venus? Cosmo? Why does Cosmo look like Lunar? What have I missed? Was Solar, Good Eclipse, ever brought out more? The Lunar and Earth show is still around, right?

Why did it have to change so much..?

Since yes, I too use Gacha Life 2, I designed myself

Yet if I cry

I'll be called up

And I'll have to explain myself

And I'll have to tell people things

And there will be more tears

And I will be told I'm overreacting

And I'll want to d!3

And then I'll go back to the hospital

Do you realize that the YouTubers we watch are getting old? I believe Scott Smajor just turned 31 on the 11th of November. Take a second and think about that. The younger of us I can speak safely for, but a lot of us (who aren't older than the creators themselves) will be there to see when they die. One day, you will say "Wanna watch a Ranboo stream?" And someone will say "You mean the guy who died 2 years ago?". One day I will open YouTube and be heartbroken because Lizzie died, or Joel died, or someone is on the brink of death in a hospital bed. One day I will run to my sister, saying "Sis, sis! Scott is dead! He died of a heart attack!" and I will cry and she won't care, she never really watched him. Assuming we live that long.

And what about our friends..? What about our mutuals who we talk to everyday and laugh with and cry to? What will happen when we die? Who will tell them? What if one day you respond late to a mutual's message, only to never get a response back? Have they left? Have they died? Are they just taking a break? Have they found out something I have done or changed their mind about me and finally realized I'm not worth spending their life on?

I fear that day. I fear the day I open YouTube or Tumblr to see a post or message saying someone died. I fear the day that Winter stops responding because I got on her last nerve and she decided to take her own life. I'm not prepared for that. I didn't take Technoblade's death well, I didn't take my dog's death well. Who said I could take the death of my favorite YouTubers' or my amazing mutual's any better?

May I tread in these woods?

I hope I am not causing too much noise. I do not wish to awaken these creatures.

Nightlight turns her head slowly, red eyes falling upon the smaller human. She had few reasons to turn her away, other than the fact she was not from Moonshine nor the Moonshine Woods.

"Who are you a representative from?"

Her voice was soft, yet fierce as steel. Her question cut through the silence like claws through flesh.