Why cant I keep up, I feel like I'm trying so hard but to say I'm struggling would be an understatement

It would be a relief to be gone. No one would have to worry about me anymore. I'm a horrible friend. I cant reciprocate. I cant keep up. It drains me and I lose so many friends due to it. I hate my body. I hardly eat and I lie when people ask. I cant keep up and I'm tired of trying.

But if i were dead, at least they wouldn't have to worry about me? I'm so fucking alone. I hate my life. I hate my fat fucking body. I try so fucking hard, its exhausting and I'm gonna cut so fucking deep i go numb and I wont feel a fucking thing. I want to die. I need to. I cant do it

Why do I even fucking try every goddamn day I'm sick of it I hate my body I hate my skin

Idek what I'm doing

Hi my name is Alexandra and I'm wine drunk alone in bed and my roommate isn't home and I had a great fucking day but now I'm thinking about how sad and lonely I am

I love that thought

It's so hard to explain idk

Bad night bad night I'm losing it ok I wont live long

Got some low calorie food today

Like, honestly.

I should start writing again, that always helped me

Well well well

im so fucking hurt, i hate mental health, i hate myself, why cant i just react to these things like a normal fucking human would, im sick of being this way

25 September 2018

Ive relapsed lately and ive been doing it a lot lately and its bad. my mental health lately, fucking horrible. I actively want to die.