cranberry crush

A few months ago, I was struggling with unstable mental health. Living alone for too long and far from my family, compounded by stress at work, left me unable to think clearly or be truly present in my relationships. I felt disconnected and that my relationships with everyone around me weren't healthy anymore.

Finally, I made the decision to resign from my 9-to-5 job and go home the following month. At the same time, my parents informed me that Snowie, our home dog, was suffering from a very serious illness. Her condition was really bad; even the vet thought she might not make it. I cried endlessly when I got that news, from morning until night.

Through my tears, I remember repeatedly saying, "Snowie, please stay strong, I’ll be back home as soon as possible. Please stay until then; I don’t want to miss our time together." I truly hoped she could hear those words. I don’t know if it was magic, but thankfully, Snowie made it through the surgery. She still needed a month of post-surgery observation, but I was so incredibly happy to hear that news. I couldn't wait to go home and see her.

A month later, I went home and finally met Snowie. She was tiny and thin; her body was even smaller after the operation. Yet, I was overjoyed that she could move around actively.

During those first few days at home, my mental health was still fragile. I was overthinking every night, still crying, and felt lost about my future. For some reason, Snowie was constantly by my side. She would come to my lap every time I sat on the sofa and followed me everywhere—even to the toilet. She also came up to the bed and slept with me for several days.

I felt loved. I felt I wasn’t alone. It was as if Snowie was absorbing all my negative thoughts. Slowly, I started to feel like "myself" again and could think clearly. I began doing things I had always wanted to do, like learning a new language and new skills.

Then, on a very bad day, Snowie was suddenly gone forever in an accident. My heart still hurts too much to write the details. I keep blaming myself and creating "what if" scenarios in my head.

However, this journal entry is not for self-blame; it is a tribute to Snowie.

I know that day when she was diagnosed, the vet thought she wouldn't be helped, but she stayed strong to wait for me to come home. She knew I wasn't okay; she wanted to cure me.

I am still deeply sad about losing her, but I truly want to thank Snowie. She waited for me. She healed me.

Now, it is my turn to be a stronger human being, to live a happy life, and to honor her by not crying about her passing. I love you so much, Snowie. Thank you for always being by my side, even when I felt like no one else was holding me. Thank you for bringing so much happiness to our home.

Everyone loves you, Snowie. Fly higher. ❤️🐾

In memoriam, Snowie (2016-2025)

📝 モリちゃんの存在はまるでここにうちの分に気を持ってくる。

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こんにちは、エルさんです。最近は日本語を勉強します、これは私の一番日本語を書いたのポストです。よろしくお願いします🙇🙏🏻

Sleeping at night while it’s raining has always been my favorite time of the day. Not only because of the soothing sound of the rain but also because of the feeling of being safe. This moment always makes me feel grateful.

Grateful because I have a home where I can stay and protect myself from the rain. Grateful because I can enjoy the presence of the rain as I sleep at night.

Hello again Tumblr~ Today, 31 December 2024, I'm writing this post while sitting in the office. Since I don't have any annual leave, I have to work in the last day of 2024 (kinda sad huh). I have nothing to do today so I think I want to write a progress journal here.

So many things happened in 2024. Overall, I'm grateful about my life in this year. This year made me think a lot about which way I should take for couple years ahead. Should I stay in the comfortable life or make a move to more challenging yet blurry one? Eventho the second choice sounds not promising, I think that I'll be feel more lively and don't feel like a NPC anymore in this life (- yes sometimes I feel like a NPC, doing the same thing repeatedly, everyday).

Here's the details about those 2 life choices; > The comfortable one: live in this comfortable town, every single things are easy to find, work as a corporate slave with good position & middle income, and just go with the flow. > The challenging one: resign from my 9-6 job, try to build my personal business, or try my luck on gaining a scholarship for master degree abroad.

Couple months ago, I just came back to my home (I mean my parent’s house). And somehow I feel a little bit nostalgic about myself in the past. Maybe because the homey situation, the old nostalgic items in my room, and the smell of my home. All of those things just remind me to the past. When I was in junior highschool, I really love blogging. I was had a Blogger account to write some thoughts about school life. I wrote a lot of stories about how my relationship with my friends, swore about every bad things that happened, and also how my seniors treat me bad back then (—maybe will write about this traumatized story in the next chapter). But idk why at that times I also feel a little bit cringe with those “diary” when I re-read the blog. Long story short, I archived all the blogs so there are no evidence about the “diaries” and hoping I could forget those dark times. Back to the present, in that nostalgic feeling, I just remember that blog and somehow tried to re-login with all the old credentials (—old emails that I made back then) that still remain in my head. I hope I can make a login to the Blogger account and re-read the stories that I’ve wrote in the past. … and voila! The account is still there and I can access it. But sadly, all of those blogs that I wrote were gone. Blogger literally delete the blogs :( I thought the “archive” button happened to hide the blogs from the public but the user still can access them again someday. I know it’s sad but somehow I found something interesting about myself in that old Blogger account. I was wrote this in my bio: “Hi I’m Er. I’m a toy collector and a graphic designer wannabe.” — waw I was just amazed by my young self because I declared that I want to be a graphic designer. Did you know how old I was? I just a 13y.o girl who know nothing about future and wrote that bio on my Blogger. I swear when I was wrote those things I still naive & in the unstable phase of life. But hey, in this present life I’m now a graphic designer for real. I think I made it right? This kinda funny how my young self made a dream and happened, I also proud of myself too :D.