Sorting Through Submissive Standards
As a submissive, I'm often asked what type of submissive I am. There was a time when this question really gave me fits. For the most part, I abhor labels. I find them too restricting, and I tend not to like being stuffed into a box, confined by the label attached to it.
And yet, I've acknowledged before, and shall again, that labels can be useful at times. Since so many others tend to use labels to refer to specific traits, it's good to know, at least generally, what they mean.
With that long preface, I'm going to address labels used to identify different types of submissives.
A submissive who lives the life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, is based on total power exchange. This is when one person surrenders total control to another for an indefinite period of time. In a relationship like this the power exchange is super-imposed over the other roles that these people may assume; such as parent or spouse. One person is always dominant and the other is always submissive to them. Sometimes also referred to as Lifestyle D/s. Due to the confusion created by the name 24/7 and the application of this principle to dynamics in which the participants don’t live together, and may not even live in the same city or country, other names have been suggested as alternatives - Full Spectrum Submissive being the most recent.
Alpha sub is a colloquial term for the most powerful submissive individual in a polyamorous relationship. The term is only used in a polyamorous relationship where more than one submissive individual is involved or when the multiple submissive individuals in a polyamorous relationship are ranked according to a formal or informal hierarchy. An alpha sub may also be known as an alpha slave.
In current society, “alpha sub” is sometimes used to refer to any strong-willed female sub who holds a powerful job in her vanilla life, and is sought out by others in the community as a force to be reckoned with, despite being a submissive.
There is a tendency in the community to look down upon those who consider themselves bedroom submissives or dominants, and yet many have started as exactly that - experimenting in the bedroom and keeping it there. A bedroom submissive is one who is comfortable submitting to her Top or Dominant only in that venue, rather than a “lifestyle” submissive, or a submissive who submits beyond the confines of the bedroom walls.
Brat is a term for the BDSM role of a bratty submissive or bottom. Unlike the common conception of a submissive, a brat talks back, misbehaves, and is otherwise difficult.On the surface, this is a negative quality in a submissive; however, a certain amount of “brattiness” is enjoyed by some Dominants, and may in fact be a large component of a power exchange relationship. It must be negotiated, however, as not all Dominants enjoy such bratty behavior.
Whilst this is not technically a “type” of submissive, it is a term oft heard. And so, I’ve included it for those who might not be familiar with the intricacies of its use or meaning. A collared submissive means, simply, a submissive who has accepted a collar from his or her Dominant, accordingly, pledging a level of commitment to that Dominant. In many circles, a collar is akin to a wedding ring. In this post-Christian Grey kink society, the collar has lost some of its power and meaning for some of the newer generation coming into the lifestyle, but it still tends to signify some level of commitment.
Digital/Internet Submissive
This is a form of LDR submission. For those who argue that it’s not “real” submission, I simply say, you have no idea. In this day an age, there are a significant number of relationships that exist primarily through the convenience of the internet or other digital means. Certainly precautions must be taken by each party to ensure the legitimacy of one’s partner, the seriousness of the dynamic being formed, etc., but it is not impossible (as some might claim). The hardships, redflags and pitfalls are the same as with any LDR dynamic.
Forced Submission (different from CNC)
Despite the term, make no mistake, this type of submission is consensual. Some submissives don’t want their submission coerced or seduced from them; they want it taken, sometimes with brute force. It may be primal, but not always. With an attitude of “Make me”, it’s about the Dominant proving they’re stronger and worthy of submission.
Also sometimes referred to as Lifestyle Submissive or 24/7 Submissive, refers to a submissive who, although he or she may not technically live together with a Dominant partner, nonetheless never drops out of a submissive mindset or role. At all times, all parties in the dynamic maintain roles and responsibilities, encompassing the full spectrum of any D/s dynamic. However, there is no specific dictated shape to a full-spectrum dynamic, as this will be determined by its participants. Therefore, the particulars of any full-spectrum submissive may vary. The one constant is that the submissive is serious about submitting, and the dynamic retains the same components of any other similar dynamic.
In our current “on-the-go” culture, and with the global community becoming ever more accessible through the variety of technology available in the ever shrinking devices we carry in our pockets, it’s no wonder that a large number of people are entering the kink community through LDR submission. Ignore the naysayers who insist that LDR can’t work; it can. D/s requires hard work, a high degree of communication. So does LDR.
There are a significant number of websites, articles and blogs that discuss LDR both as D/s and vanillas and how to succeed. The key is communication, flexibility, and creativity. LDR can include a sub who sees his/her Dominant periodically as well as one who has never met the Dominant other than contact through the phone or online. The options are as varied as D/s is.
Lifestyle Submissive refers to a submissive to submits on a level that extends outside the bedroom, and can encompass a multitude of levels up to and including full specturm or 24/7 submission.
Little refers to a submissive person, who role plays a younger age. The little is the little girl or little boy in a Daddy-dom BDSM role playing relationship. This person is dominated by a daddy (or mommy). The little may or may not dress for the part. They may also alter their voice to seem younger. Some littles regress into “little space”, others do not. Some littles are sexual, others are not. The range is quite significant. The trait that is fairly constant is that a little tends to exhibit behaviors that are younger than their natural age behaviors, traits or mindset. Their Dominant is in the position of a Caregiver regardless of whether the Dominant uses a “Daddy” or “Mommy” title.
A little wants or needs to be nurtured, taken care of, and, sometimes, be completely free of responsibility for a period of time. The age range of a little can vary significantly from one in diapers to a young teenage girl.
A middle is similar to a little, but roleplays someone aged slightly older - more in the pre-teen to teenage range, somewhere between 11 to 17. While there are plenty of middles in the community, there simply isn’t as much information about middles as there is about littles.
Similar to a “collared” submissive, this isn’t an actual “type” of submissive, and yet, is frequently used term and is therefore included. An “owned submissive” is essentially a submissive who is “taken”, claimed by a specific Dominant, and is therefore “not available” to another Dominant.
Some submissives will take on the characteristics of an animal, for example, a kitten, a puppy, or a horse, and the Dominant will act as a Caregiver or trainer of the “animal”. The type of play involved can vary depending upon the type of animal and may or may not involve costumes, anal plugs with tails, collars, latex suits, harnesses, or any other acoutrements, depending upon the type of animal played and the play between the parties. “Furries” tend to wear full-body costumes, irrespective of sexual play.
While Pro Doms and Dommes are much more common, apparently, there are some professional submissives. Generally they serve clients who want the experience of dominating someone but don’t have a steady partner. Or they need a second partner for a scene with their submissive or bottom. There is negotiation and consent before anything begins.
A service sub does not (necessarily) engage in sexual submission. On the contrary, service subs perform a variety of services for their Dominant, which can include domestic service such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. However, a service sub could just as easily do your taxes, mow your lawn, clean your pool, or fix your car. The key for the service sub is not the type of service but rather the feeling behind it — being of service and making the Dominant’s life a little (or a lot) easier and more comfortable.
A lot of submissives fall into this category. When it’s time to get naked, I’m the bottom, you’re the top, and I need you (the Dominant) to lead. Sexual submission might be taking orders and being of use. But it could also be more primal with some amount of resistance and making your Dominant work for your submission. And, as always, it could be somewhere in between the two.
Some would argue that a slave gives up all consent in order to become a slave. I would argue that no submissive has given up all consent (not even a slave). Otherwise it’s gone into the realm of kidnapping. There has to be consent for a power exchange to exist. And like any other form of submission, there’s a spectrum in being a slave. Some want to be and are extremely micromanaged. Details like when and what to eat, when to use the bathroom, and whether and when to speak are decided by their Master. Other slaves may have a slave heart but their outward actions may look quite different Slaves tend to give up even more control to their Dominant partner than other types of submissives do.
Smart-Assed Masochist (SAM)
There is another level though, called Smart-Assed Masochists. According to The Submissive Guide, “submissive who exhibits bad behavior (such as sarcasm, talking back, or disobedience), either because her Dom enjoys it or to get attention.” It’s not even clear that SAMS are all masochists, but they’re definitely brats, trying to provoke their Dominant. Some SAMs are driven by the punishment, others by the pain.
As I wrote this, I kept thinking of new “submissive types” to add. Did I miss yours? Feel free to add a comment if I did, with a short description of it!
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