The Little Vampire and the Mystery Patient 47/47 -Angela Sommer Bodenburg
Tony grumbles about having to go see the psychologist again, his mother asks what he has against him, after all it was his idea for the camping vacation and Tony thinks it was only nice because his vampire friends were there. Perhaps Dr. Crustscrubber wants to talk to him about the vacation, his dad was the one who set it up because heâs worried the sudden end due to his injury damaged Tony mentally and Tony says he might have been hoping to guilt them into giving him more presents.
Tonyâs mother thinks heâs going to sneak away if he goes on his own but Tony says (thereâs a typo a weird spacing between âNoâ and âthanksâ) he didnât like the ice cream there and has no money anyway, so his mother agrees to pick him up in an hour. Tonyâs upset he has to stay for an hour so his mother gives him money to buy a bun after itâs over and once Tony got out of the car he smelt cauliflower from the Crustscrubberâs lunch.
Once alone Tony opened a window to escape the smell, âTony would eat brussel sprouts, red cabbage, even spinach, without moaning-but cauliflower made his stomach turn!â p.6 (something tells me Angelaâs kids hate cauliflower) His parents only made it when he was out of the house on a school trip like the one theyâll be in the fall, Tony only wished Rudolph could come but guesses he wouldnât want to leave the vault after just returning to it. (a recap of the events of the last book) Once the smell was gone Tony went to look at the magazines and saw a campaign add to save the old cemetery that Dr. Crustscrubber is managing. Tony remembered Aunt Dorothy saying she had a contact and was cryptic about who just saying âScrub the bacon rindâ and âdust the crust.â p.8
Once their lunch was over Tony shoved the appeal in his pocket and went to the consulting room Tony was lost in thought and Dr. Crustscrubber thought it was about the vacation but Tony couldnât answer his questions without exposing what he did with his vampire friends, also Dr. Crustscrubber concluded he was disappointed. Tony didnât have much time left to bring up the petition so said he wished he stayed home to help with the save the cemetery campaign, Dr. Crustscrubber is delighted heâs interested but theyâll save that talk until after the consultation. So, Dr. Crustscrubber continued asking about the vacation and Tony continued giving monosyllabic answers.
After Dr. Crustscrubber seemed satisfied he asked Tony about his interest in the campaign Tony wants to know more about it. âThatâs just what more people ought to do: Find out about a thing and then-act!âp.13 They already collected four hundred signatures now they got the excavation stopped the next part has to do with his experimental treatment course for phobias. Since their last consultation he has found a vampire living in their town, he came to him as a patient but he insists he isnât one, but Dr. Crustscrubber saw he had no reflection in a mirror. Tony started racking his brain about who the vampire could have been when Dr. Crustscrubber was told he had a patient waiting and so Tony made excuses to see him again after sunset.
Back in the car his mother asked how it went then becomes irritated at his flippant answer but is relieved when he says they talked about the vacation and how heâs disappointed. When Tony says he needs more time to talk about it, surprising his mother since he was reluctant to talk to the doctor at all. What Tony really wanted was to call Dr. Crustscrubber and ask who his patient is and he just got a secret letter from Anna that the Coffin Shift went well, they can see each other again soon.
Tony was reading in his room when his father knocked, he feels guilty the vacation ended early because of a broken finger (the way you acted youâd think you were dying of dysentery) and heâd hate for their relationship to be ruined because of it.
He says they could go again in the fall but Tony tells him his class is already going on a trip then and he also doesnât want to go camping again, his father canât understand his shifting moods. (not that hard to figure out) If heâs fed up with the Vale of Doom what about his party, and Tony quietly hopes Rudolph and his family wont hold a Coming Home Party that day. His father points out he doesnât look excited about that either, Tony says he is just wondering how many vampires he should invite and his father mentions itâs good his strange friends moved away leaving his nice friends. (Iâll say it again Tonyâs parents suck)
Now alone Tony writes to Rudolph and Anna inviting them to a party on Saturday after sunset then wrote four more but tore up one since Anna wouldnât like another girl there. (donât be with anyone so jealous you canât hang with the opposite gender without them throwing a fit about it)
Tony woke up from a nightmare about his math teacher and heard knocking on his window, Rudolph, who had some gunk in his hair, Rudolph told Tony to help him Wally the Wicked at the Nail Competition, George gave him a consolation prize by rubbing hair cream on his head. Rudolph had worked himself into a rage about having to wash his hair for the first time in almost forty years. (are these vampires just gross for the sake of being gross) Rudolph says heâll be quiet and Tony tells him theyâll have to do it in the sink, the showers makes too much noise. (this is why I could never live in an apartment)
Tony gropes in the darkness and accidentally hands Rudolph sun cream, then Rudolph rejects the shampoo they have complaining of the smell, so Tony got his motherâs special shampoo for greasy hair. Rudolph then threatens to use the showers if Tony doesnât wash his hair for him and Tony doesnât want his parents or their grumpy neighbors to wake up (really her name is Mrs. Grumpson)
Rudolph is reluctant to lean his head back over the basin, Tony says he could use dry shampoo but then his head would itch afterwards and Rudolph whines about it already itching. Tony gives him a rag to put over his eyes and Tony starts washing his hair disgusted by the texture tangles and smell of days old cream and whatâs worse the shampoo wont lather. Tony used more and the bathroom began to stink and the water turned black Rudolph was pleased his hair was more tangled now and the itching is gone.
Rudolph then demands a neck message (this aint a spa) and Tony says heâs acting like he thinks heâs Percy Pigsbubble but that only pleases Rudolph more. Tony gives him a towel to dry his hair and cloak Rudolph stops and pulls out a second cloak he had brought for Tony but says Tony can wash the wet one now that starts an argument that ends when Tony hears his parentâs door open and Rudolph flees out the window.
The bathroom was a mess and Tonyâs mother demanded to know what heâs doing, Tony says he needed the bathroom, nothings wrong and he quickly puts the towel back and hid the cloak. His mother wants to know why he locked it, (youâre asking why someone would lock the bathroom door) Tony replies heâs at the age where you lock a door and heâs tired of them snooping, she says sheâs worried, âItâs especially not snooping when you lock yourself in the bathroom at half past two in the morning,âp.43 (again itâs the bathroom why shouldnât you lock it when you live with other people) Tony quickly washed out the basin and ran his head under the tap before unlocking the door and his mother stares in disbelief and Tony retreated to the bathtub. âHis parents were against smacking children, it was true-but every now and then it happened that they âlost control of their handsâ as they put it.âp.43 (...oh look at that I found my nail bat) His mother asks if heâs lost his mind, Tony says he nearly was from a nightmare of being infested with lice and he washed his hair in his sleep, his mother blames his vampire books for it, (wait you actually believe that) Tony didnât contradict her, she wouldnât believe the truth anyway.
Tonyâs mother starts arguing with him that Tonyâs going to clean up the mess right now and when the neighbors call and when she leaves to answer it, Tony took the cloak out and hid it in his room before returning to the bathroom overhearing his mother apologize to Mrs. Grumpson. Tony turns on the shower and his mother rushes in to turn it off after Mrs. Grumpson threatened to call the police to complain about the noise, (classic Karen calling the police to complain your neighbor is showering too loud) he can clean tomorrow and Tony went to his room satisfied.
Unfortunately for Tony his mother set his alarm early (at 8:30) and left a note for him to clean the bathroom before they were back from shopping. So Tony felt wretched for emotional reasons, Dr. Crustscrubber would say, about everything, he forgotten to give Rudolph the party invite and now he has to clean. Tony only gave it a superficial clean up and would use Dr. Crustscrubberâs phrase of âtoo demandingâ to finish. (that wouldnât fly in my house) He bought bread rolls and when his parents got back his mother made him apologize to Mrs. Grumpson with flowers and sit for tea for an hour. Worst of all his mother wouldnât let him watch a werewolf movie since he had such a terrible nightmare and with his own TV broken he could only read until he fell asleep.
Tony woke from a nightmare about hair washing by Anna knocking on his window, sheâs happy to see him again and Tony assumes she came to get her dress and she mentions how after the ruins it feels different being back. Anna canât take the dress back either because Aunt Dorothy noticed it was missing and threatened to rip it up if she sees it again but sheâll appeal to the Family Council that vampire children should be allowed to wear pretty things, like Aunt Dorothy. Tony hopes her proposal is accepted since he doesnât want to keep the dress and gives Anna Rudolphâs cloak.
Tony doesnât want Aunt Dorothy to look for these things at his house since she knows he and Rudolph are friends, Anna says she doesnât know where he lives and sheâll pick it up on Sunday when they have their Coming Home party without the grown ups. Gregory might even come since his Menâs Club is off, something happened at the Nail Competition so he wants to start a new one with Rudolph they might even ask Tony to join just for the membership contribution. Anna tells Tony they could make their own Romeo and Juliet club.
As Anna was about to fly off Tony told her he would rather not go to her party and she got angry she arranged it all with the grown ups to allow the children to have their own party just for him. Tony tried to placate her saying heâd like to go but itâs Gregory and explains what happened at the bowling alley, Anna assures Tony sheâll sort him out, Gregory is just as quick to get over his anger. âIf you get him at the right moment, he can be really sweet and nice.âp.59 Before Anna leaves again Tony told her about Dr. Crustscrubberâs vampire patient but she doesnât know who it could be either and as she flies calls back that sheâll see him Sunday and doesnât believe Crustscrubberâs patient is a real vampire.
The next morning Tonyâs father asked about the party and Tony thought for a moment he meant the vampire party and he forgot to give Anna his invitation. When he says heâs not inviting Tanya they ask which girl it is and Tony says it may be several and his motherâs pleased heâs changing his mind about them, Tony says it depends on the girl and thereâll be two surprise guests, but his mother still wants to know since itâs their apartment.
It was Friday and Tony was excited to learn more about Dr. Crustscrubberâs vampire patient and Save the Old Cemetery campaign. Tonyâs dad told him they were going to spend the day at the beach why isnât he excited about it, âHonestly, Tony, you know how to spoil everything, donât you!âp.64 (oh go fuck yourself you leave him behind so much why is now any different) Tony snaps back they ruins everything for him too since he made plans to play hockey and see Dr. Crustscrubber, his dad say his mother already rescheduled that appointment theyâd thought heâd be pleased about it and scolds him for making a fuss about their good intentions (itâs not thoughtful if no thought for the person was put into it) and Tony tells him theyâve ruined his school holiday and cries in bed.
Tonyâs mother checks on him and is annoyed heâd rather stay and play hockey than go to the beach but heâd have to go see Dr. Crustscrubber, Tony almost shrieked in delight. Tony says his sudden interest in hockey was because he was vegetating like them, she was just complaining of gaining weight, his mother was embarrassed and said they canât just do whatever they want when they want like him (since when) and leaves to make a phone call. When she returns says Ollyâs mother doesnât remember their plans and Olly only vaguely remembered it but he can go anyway and Ollyâs mother will drive him to his appointment and theyâll pick him up after nine.
An hour later Tonyâs parents left and Tony had a nice time at Ollyâs, his mother gave them sweets which Tony enjoyed since his parents got on a health kick. He and Olly played soccer instead (it says football but thatâs a different sport in the states) and Ollyâs mother dropped him off at Dr. Crustscrubberâs.
Tony noticed this time Dr. Crustscrubberâs office didnât smell of cauliflower but heavy perfume, it certainly couldnât be from the supposed vampire the sun hasnât gone down yet. Mrs. Crustscrubberâs says her husband currently has a peculiar patient and itâs best if Tony waits outside but Tony makes an excuse of needing the toilet to be allowed in.
Down the hall the perfume grew stronger and noticed it was mixed with the scent of decay, â-that particular characteristic smell that only belonged to vampires!âp.74 (forget body glitter make vampires uncanny again) Tony was hanging by the bathroom door when Mrs. Crustscrubber yelled for him not to get into the cloakroom the patient may come out any moment. Tony left the door open a bit and didnât have to wait for long and stepped out just as the session ended and he saw the patient was a true vampire. âA vampire, a real vampire in Mr. Crustscrubberâs practice...But how could this vampire leave his coffin before the sun had set?âp.77
Back in the waiting room Mrs. Crustscrubber told Tony her husband could see him now and the smell was still strong enough to make Tony cough. When prompted Tony said heâs not upset about the ruined vacation anymore. âI think my parents are right: you have to learn to get over disappointments.âp.79 Tony then asks if he could try his phobia treatment course on him now the session turned from normal to vampires.
Dr. Crustscrubber thinks it wouldnât work since Tony doesnât have any phobias (whatâs with the weird spacing in this book) at least thatâs what his parents told him of Tony, wandering around outside after dark, hanging around cemeteries, fixation on vampires, thatâs when Tony insists he is afraid of vampires. He believes his last patient really was one it was his smell under the perfume and Dr. Crustscrubber noticed the cellar scent too, what else does Tony know about vampires. They canât go out in sunlight and thatâs a problem with his patient, âItâs through my course, my de-sensitization course, that Iâm hoping they will learn to expose themselves to the sunâs rays.âp.83 Heâll find out if it works if he can test it on a real vampire.
Heâs not sure if his last patient is a genuine one since heâs coming before sunset, now heâs tried to find out more besides his name being Igno von Rant and he insists he isnât a vampire, he canât be found in the phone book either. Then Dr. Crustscrubber goes on a rant about McRookeryâs mission to make his cemetery the first vampire free one in Europe, he must have seen something to make him believe vampires are there. And if Igno lives there he wonât have McRookery drive away his patient.
Tony says Igno might not live there, vampires sleep wherever as long as they have their coffins and Dr. Crustscrubberâs thinks about introducing a coffin to his program and see how Igno reacts and asks Tony for help by introducing him to his two friends. Tonyâs mother described them so he thinks they know a real vampire, (thatâs one way of putting it) and if they do, well Dr. Crustscrubber thinks a vampire would like to know about his program to de-sensitize them to the fear of sunlight. (fun fact originally vampires werenât vulnerable to the sunlight they just got weaker it all started because Nosferatu wanted a dramatic ending)
Mrs. Crustscrubber letâs them know Tonyâs parents arrived and Tony says if his friends do know a vampire heâll call him and Dr. Crustscrubber gives him his number and made an appointment for Monday. In bed Tony couldnât sleep thinking that phobia program would be revolutionary for vampires and how Anna dreamed of sitting next to him in school, she could actually go if she wanted, after a while vampires may even get a tan. âAnd they wouldnât be afraid of being recognized as vampires, and persecuted any more!âp.90 (well I think they still will considering you know the whole hunting and eating people thing) If the treatment was a success of course Tony was tempted to become a vampire himself then he could be with Rudolph always and Anna too but he mustnât think about that yet.
At breakfast Tonyâs mother comments he looks worried about Monday and assumes heâs got a test, something unpleasant at least from his expression. His father says they need to get him milk cartons for school and Tony says he needs chocolate too but his mother says heâs only allowed honey flavored cereal bars and heâll only have healthy food for his party. Tonyâs father tells his mother to lighten up as Tony will be given real sweets when they visit his grandparents the next day.
Tony make an excuse he has a math test and wants to work on it when itâs quiet in the apartment, his mother allows it as long as he actually works on it and not read another of his vampire books. (lady be thankful heâs actually reading do you know how teachers today would love a kid to do that instead of getting brain rot with AI Tiktok slop) That Sunday he did work on some math because his teacher tented to surprise them after the holidays and then he read a ghost story. His parents came home that evening feeling sick from eating too much and Tonyâs grandmother sent over some cherry pie and Tony thought of sharing it with Anna.
In his room Tony opened a window, the smell jasmine was strong and Anna giggled, she was wearing a new perfume. Tony invites her in and offers her pie but she canât eat it, she failed at stopping herself from growing into a proper vampire, âYou canât change the course of things,âp.101 She tells him to eat it for them and Tony, already full, did so Anna wouldnât be disappointed.
Anna said there is something they can change but Tony adamantly refused to be a vampire so she cries and Tony became embarrassed so he tells her of Dr. Crustscrubberâs treatment for vampires to overcome their fear of sunlight. âI wouldnât describe it as fear that makes us avoid the light of day. Itâs the law of out life, the law if we are to survive!âp.103 Tony says he doesnât understand much about vampires but his vampire patient was there before sunset.
Tony describes him but Annaâs never heard of him and Tony says he insists he isnât a vampire but Anna doesnât find it strange to not reveal yourself as a vampire. Tony told her Dr. Crustscrubber also wants to talk to them since he thinks they know real vampires, they could go and take his course but Anna has doubts, after her failure sheâs lost hope.
Tony tries to hand her her dress but she says she doesnât need it, the partyâs off, Gregory made a new club and with Rudolph going it wouldnât be a party with two people. She doesnât feel like doing anything but they could have a disco in his room but Tony says his neighbor will hear and complain and he has a math test tomorrow and Annaâs disappointed nothingâs going right even her proposal was rejected. Tony hands her his party invite and it cheers her up that she could wear her dress. Tonyâs mother then tried to open his door but it was locked and he waited until Anna flew away before opening the door and get out his math book before his mother came in.
Sheâs surprised he actually was studying and mentions with the nice smell of jasmine, they should keep the windows open, Tony says they shouldnât unless vampires and moths fly in. âI ask myself when on earth you are going to grow out of this vampire phase.âp.112
The next morning Tonyâs mother wakes him up for school and Tony was surprised there was apple pie and ice cream on the table. Tonyâs thinks itâs his dadâs guilt for the ruined vacation but asks if theyâre celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary, his dad says itâll be their fifteenth in the fall. His mother reminds him to send the invitations today and gets irritated heâs eating pie and dropped some on the floor.
Tony thought about seeing Dr. Crustscrubber that afternoon and Igno, his mother assumes his sudden fear is his math test. (Iâll be honest Iâm getting tired of Tonyâs smart mouth)
That evening Tonyâs father was in a bad mood and the bus detour took then over an hour and Tony wondered why he came and tells his father he can wait at the cafe and have ice cream heâll enjoy without his mother nagging him about watching his waistline.
Tony could go straight to the counseling room Dr. Crustscrubber was waiting and Tony told him the bus was late, Tony noticed the phobia portfolio was missing, this would be a normal session so Tony says he talked to his strange friend but he wouldnât get away without real psychological questions today. Tony talks about his upcoming party and his friends at school and his other friends are curious of his phobia course.
Dr. Crustscrubber brings out the file, pleased they do know a vampire, Tony says not just one and Dr. Crustscrubber comments that what Igno told him about a whole vampire family in town was true. Igno claims a widowed member has bewitched him but he doesnât believe him or McRookery and thinks his tales were just to get money to make improvements. He canât believe Igno so he has to get to the bottom of it and have patients he is sure are vampires.
Tony says his friends need to know what precisely the course entails, Dr. Crustscrubber says itâs extensive and secret because if it works will break his professional circle, Tony says his friends wont say anything. Before Dr. Crustscrubber could say anything else his wife interrupts that he has another patient and Tonyâs father was waiting and before Tony leaves Dr. Crustscrubber tells him his course requires sunglasses, sunscreen and yellow colored things. If they want to know more the vampires will have to come for a trial session and Tony wants another appointment for Friday.
When Tony went to go set it up with Mrs. Crustscrubber he could already smell Igno von Rantâs perfume, Tony had completely forgotten about him Mrs. Crustscrubber handles the booking and sends Tony back out in the waiting room.
Tonyâs father already called his mother to pick them up and they are informed the earliest appointment is next Friday to Tonyâs disappointment. The first thing his mother did was ask about the psychologist and Tony is irritated at his fatherâs jokes.
At home Tony goes straight to bed wit the excuse he has a poem to memorize (I also learned the Highwayman in school) and he thought of where Rudolph and Anna could be, it didnât look like they were coming tonight.
His mother checks if heâs in bed and asks if his friends are coming to his party, Tony tells her maybe, he hasnât asked all of them yet, his mother says he better find out tomorrow so they know how many to expect. He put his English book under his pillow and his mother comments the way to study is to read it but Tony says the real problem is the nightmares from whatâs inside which she doesnât believe and tells him to try reading so he pulls out a werewolf book.
