heyo

Ya know when people told me "when you're finally safe enough that you can leave survival mode and start to let go of and process your c-ptsd/trauma things are probably going to get really, really bad before they slowly start to get better" I thought that was reasonable. I did not understand that by "things are going to get bad" they meant "you're going to find yourself in the worst mental state of your entire life, but dw, that means it's working" and tbh I simply wish someone had been more clear.

there's something so raw and soul crushing about spending your late childhood+teen years suicidal then growing up and actually wanting to live, after an ungodly effort, only to see your health deteriorate because of chronic illness.

The most terrifying part of having memory issues is when you can feel something from 5 seconds ago be thrown out the window and there's an empty hole where it once was. You remember that you forgot something.

I think I just expected that someday someone would come along who was like me and because they were like me they would care about what I was hiding and dig it out of me with a blunt instrument but that person has never come and they never will and instead of mourning that I should just turn the blunt instrument onto myself and show what I find to others 

loudly going "YOU'RE GOOD YOU'RE GOOD" to myself to ward off the memory of every embarrassing thing i've ever done

A while ago I read about autistic people and nesting somewhere & I think we don't talk about that enough. Apparently, a lot of autistic people like nesting. I love nesting. I carefully choose a space to build my nest and I bring all my little trinkets there. I surround myself with everything I love and everything I could possibly need in the next few hours- my water bottle, a snack, my weighted blanket, my soft blanket, hand creme, my headphones, my charger, my favorite stuffed animals- so I don't have to leave the nest to get anything. It makes me feel save and calm and like everything is gonna be ok. This is a nesting appreciation post. Any other autistics who love a good nest?

I've done posts about nesting! I love my little nest. I'm writing from it right now. 😁

Abusive parents will raise you so that every time you're in a room with another person you'll be asking yourself 'What if I'm not being useful enough? What if I'm being a burden right now? Could I have done something different? Can I do anything more to prove that I'm not a hindrance and a waste of space?" and then, when you're already using your entire life to do other people's bidding in hope that one day someone will love you, they'll attack you for being selfish, lazy, worthless, inconsiderate, greedy and spoiled little brat.

we’re gonna be ok btw

they hate me for my girlish whimsy and for my pathological degree of avoidant behavior

Parents be like “how did you turn out this way” and they’re literally the root cause for all the problems you’re trying to unlearn as an adult

i think one of the most important things you learn about making connections with others is that a significant portion of the time people just do not know theyre doing what theyre doing

sometimes someone is acting selfish because they just didnt think you had any interest in what theyre hogging. sometimes you dont get invited to the movies because your friend could have sworn that you said no. sometimes you think someone is mad at you because theyre bad at hiding how little sleep they got. we are all like little worlds that briefly crash into one another from time to time and we just arent physically capable of seeing the whole picture at once in those moments. and learning that really changed everything!

I was overstimulated and now I’m evil