1998

I hope you find a love that’s willing to make sacrifices. The type of person who will meet you halfway. I hope you find a love that’s faithful. You look at them and you just know there isn’t anyone that can shake what you guys have. I hope you find a love that forgives you. The type of person who can see you make mistakes but also helps you to learn from them. The type of person who can see you at your worst and still think you’re incredible. The type of person who understands you aren’t perfect but looks at you like you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to them, flaws and all.

I hope you find a love that supports you. Someone who not only supports your dreams but wants to see you do well more than you do. I hope you find a love that will fight for you. Someone who will always be in your corner. Someone who will always choose you and the relationship you have. I hope you find someone who would anything to be with you. The type of person who won’t let you walk away but goes after you if you try to. I hope you find someone who heals you. I hope you find someone who teaches you that you didn’t deserve what happened to you in the past. I hope you find a love that appreciates you.

You, sweet boy, were my first love. You, persistent boy, waited months for me, just to be my first kiss. You, observant boy, knew when days were bad, and did everything in your power to make me smile. You, protective boy, fought for me, for your brothers, for your family. You, smart boy, graduated high school, one of only a few in your family. You, brave and courageous boy, got out of the town you are from and made something of yourself. You, selfless boy, have fought for our country at home and overseas. You, my beautiful boy, you are black. You are strong. You are courageous. You are confident. You, are so much more than black and I wish everyone could see you through my eyes. You gave me your love. You showed me how to fall in love with myself. You gave me my confidence. You gave so freely and I pray that I gave to you just as freely, because you deserve the world and so much more.

You are SO much more than any of the labels placed on your shoulders. But you carry them without fail. Everyday. You live your life fearlessly, when there are so many things to fear in this life.

You deserve love, grace, mercy, happiness, peace, and all things good in this world. I wasted the time I had with you. I should have stood up for you more. I should have spoke out to the boys who called you names. To the boys who said I was ruining myself by dating you. To the people who sneered and whispered snide comments. The boys that would tell me ‘no white boy would ever want me because I was a white girl dating a black boy.’ Yet all of these things I endured are insignificant.

I failed you. I turned my cheek thinking it was the right thing for me to do. I took the names and rude comments and thought that I was being a good girlfriend. I should have stood up for you. For myself. For us. I apologize for simply sitting by while hearing the things people said.

I am truly sorry. I see now how wrong it was. I should’ve stood up for you. I should have spent every moment telling people how great you are. Letting them know you are so much more than black. I should’ve used those chances to speak out. I should’ve asked more questions, I should’ve tried to understand better instead of thinking I knew it all. I should’ve used my voice and screamed from the rooftops how wrong these people were.

I don’t understand the things you and others deal with daily. But I want to. I don’t live everyday in fear of what could happen. I am not scared to go outside, to walk alone at night, to simply exist.

cat: *purrs*