tumblr is full of phrases that we are all so desensitized to that they're just normal, but if you say it to a person in real life its so funny to them its a one-hit insta kill

rasputin didnt become a fucked up sex wizard until he was like 30. your life doesn't end at 25 <3

if you're in your mid twenties and you're reading this you still have plenty of time to inadvertently topple a dynasty just by being really fucking weird and horny. don't worry.

This shit makes me understand why my grandma taught me to only scritch calves under the chin, because if you scratch the tops of their heads you'll teach them to shove their (horned) foreheads at you for affection once they're huge

I cannot stand the kind of motherfuckers who do extreme solo hikes, no GPS, just a 20-40 year old straight white man with overconfidence in rugged terrain with minimal gear. Why should we pay millions of dollars in search and rescue resources so you can fuck around and find out?

They should make you sign a waiver of personal responsibility if you want to go hiking in a national or state park alone with no gear.

these are all the geek equivalents of Lovecraft’s Cat’s Name

his cats name couldn’t be that bad!!!! it’s a cat, what’s the worst name?

i am wrong, what the fuck

go Google why chainsaws were invented, it’s really fun :)

oh what the FUCK WHY

Thanks I hate it.

I could have gone my whole life without knowing it, thank you motherfucker

To be fair, its not AS bad when you read into detail. But ya. Still like getting slapped in the face with a cold fish.

i’m boutta google why chainsaws were invented now.  feel like i’m going on an adventure.

really speaks to how i’ve been around the internet, that that wasn’t what i was expecting it to be, but it was also really close to what i expected it to be.

Every time I see this post it’s gone in a completely different direction and every time it’s cursed as fuck

Surgeons really went vrrr vrrr say goodbye to your pelvis mother

$0

Sell it higher you fuck I paid my sanity instead of money

those posts always go around that are like “if you’re on Tumblr and you’re over 25 blah blah blah” but honestly if you’re on Tumblr and you’re under 25, I don’t know how the fuck you found this place. like I came here when it was actually kind of cool and then just never left because all my stuff was here. what’s your excuse

Altogether, I really like the way americans say "can I help you?" as a polite general one-size-fits-all stand-in for "who the fuck are you/what the fuck are you doing here/how the fuck did you get in here/what the fuck are you staring at/what is your fucking problem." Such a polite way of going "bitch what the fuck."

Capitalist corporate training shaping language.

Girlboy with a he/him pin on one sleeve and a she/her pin on the other. Two people sitting on either side of her aggressively correcting each other on his pronouns

*her pronouns

*his pronouns