now say something true and beautiful :)

i shit my pants and end my turn

let the bodies hit the floor is such a scary song. usually bodies hitting the floor isn’t a good thing but this guy wants it to happen anyway.

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

feng shui sabotage by placing thousands of tiny ball bearings in a bag under your couch you won't see them but you'll feel the clutter

gets dragon insurance for my car in case a dragon fucks my car

i don’t like when men get too buff. it’s just distracting how obvious it is that you put so much time and effort into it when you should be doing other stuff instead like meditating and cultivating your buddha nature

may cause eye strain

I have just sent a crack team of 3 ants to clean my microwave god bless their souls

They berated him for speaking of the pig tunnels. But he had a strong mind. They attacked him with metal pipes and bags of rocks. But he fought them away. The world would know of the pig tunnels which bore deep into the dark endless crust of the Earth, and how these tunnels echoed with snorts and squeals of pigs.

squeezing my pussy and concentrating all the microplastics in my body to print a perfect tiny figurine of a fruit bat