a fool's heart

I don't understand how my head just keeps hurting worse and worse.

It was a silly little fantasy. I knew so many things had to go right for it to ever happen. And even then, the odds were stacked against me. But it gave me a reason to smile. It gave me a reason to get up in the morning and try my best. It was my silly little fantasy and it made me so happy because all I had was trauma and fear. But now it's gone, and I know there's nothing I can do to make it come back even though I would do anything. Now there's just the trauma and the end waiting for me.

Talked to a therapist today and it became really apparent that I'm actually going to end up killing myself. I have done all the work, I keep putting my everything into getting better, and it's just not working. I can be social and workout and go through the motions but there's some damage that is beyond fixing. At least when I was high all the time I learned how to love myself, but the first thing I did with that new found love was quit the drugs and then I immediately stopped caring. Well, no, I stopped caring about myself, I kept caring about something else, kept doing the work for someone else, but apparently that's selfish and wrong. Which, fair. I thought the end result was all that mattered, that the end justified the means, but apparently not. Especially since I failed anyway. What a loser I am. How pathetic. There's a reason people don't care about me, and I get that. I do get it. It's not fair, because I didn't choose to be this way, I didn't ask for decades of abuse that systematically made me this way. I swear to god I tried to change it. I really did. I gave my all. I swear to god I gave everything I had, it's just.... there wasn't much left after the physical and mental abuse. After the rape. There just wasn't much left and certainly not enough to get back to..... well I guess I was never anything since it started so young. I'm just too broken to be lovable. I'm never going to be whatever the fuck normal is and I wish that didn't matter. I wish I could just be fine knowing I'm a broken thing, but it never sits right. It never.... it gnaws at me. It eats me up inside. It kills me day by day. So, I'm going to beat it to the punch, I'm going to make it stop the only way I know how. I'm so fucking sorry.

Every time I can't talk to her my head hurts so bad. Day by day it just gets worse.

Listening to The Coronas as being sad as fuck.

I am heartbroken. To never speak to her again is a nightmare. I feel fucking empty and my head is throbbing. I feel like it's going to split open.