I don’t know what to say.

This is the life I'm supposed to leave lead.

This is almost the anniversary. And then a Plank in Reason, broke, And I dropped down, and down -

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain, (340) By Emily Dickinson I felt a Funeral, in my Brain, And Mourners to and fro Kept treading - treading - till it seemed That Sense was breaking through - And when they all were seated, A Service, like a Drum - Kept beating - beating - till I thought My mind was going numb - And then I heard them lift a Box And creak across my Soul With those same Boots of Lead, again, Then Space - began to toll, As all the Heavens were a Bell, And Being, but an Ear, And I, and Silence, some strange Race, Wrecked, solitary, here - And then a Plank in Reason, broke, And I dropped down, and down - And hit a World, at every plunge, And Finished knowing - then -

I want to blog more. I'll eventually video blog instead I think...maybe. This is more personal though. Do people use tumblr? Is this really just a shout in the void now? Whatever. Writing helps and distracts me. I miss so much. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that some of those things (and people) are just gone now. A small part of me hopes I'm wrong and I hope I can find my way back to those people and those things. Those feelings. Realistically things won't be the same. That's scary because I don't know what they'll be. Moving forward, if and when I move forward, they will be better. They've got to be. I have learned so much and grown so much. I dunno. This is scattered and all over the place but so am I lately. My thoughts aren't a salad where I can just pick out what's in my head. It's a smoothie and everything just blends together. I'm afraid. I think I'm glad I've grown but I wonder if I think that because it's a lie we all tell each other. Who knows. I know I miss my childhood. I know I miss feeling-. I know I miss you. I know so much and so little. I want to change something. I need to change something. I hope this is a step to that.

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