My Story Is Just Starting.

The moving men came early and gathered my belongings. They made quick work of emptying the place I'd called home for 6 years. You never realize how much you have until its boxed up staring at you for days. You think you have donated and tossed a lot. But, nope there's still a zillion boxes looking at you and you know you have to put it all away within a day or two. No wonder people hate moving. Pack, unpack, move shit around, repeat. Its enough to drive you mad.

I looked up Astoria on my laptop before I lost internet. It's gorgeous!! Right at the oceans edge, lots of natural beauty to hike around and see. A boardwalk with cool shops. One of which will be my tea shop. I looked that up too, its located about center of things. I can do yoga on the beach! I can open the doors and let in the salty ocean air. This will be really good, it will be. My shop is between a Bakery and a Palm Reader. So much fun to be had....I see the positive and am holding it close.

I get in my car and head down the road leaving behind both good and very bad memories. As I cross the state line, I raise my arm and wave goodbye. "Goodbye Cordy King. Thank you for getting me this far. I'll take it from here." I blow a kiss and I look forward again. 

I get in my car and head down the road leaving behind both good and very bad memories. As I cross the state line, I raise my arm and wave goodbye. "Goodbye Cordy King. Thank you for getting me this far. I'll take it from here." I blow a kiss and I look forward again. 

The drive is long but peaceful, most of spent repeating, "I'm Lara Bishop. I'm Lara Bishop. I'm Lara Bishop. I'm an orphan (truth), I have a mentor who helped me get here when my old place burned down and I wanted to get away from the memories." 

"Hi! I'm Lara. L-a-r-a. Like from Doctor Zhivago." By the time I'm 30 minutes away, I have my story down. "Holy shit! Look at that view!" Its beautiful. Uncle B knows me well. *laughs* 

I find my way to my new home and its perfect! Nice, could use a little work, but its in really good shape overall. The moving guys are already there so I don't have time to do more than an initial once over. I get out and unlock the door letting them get to it. 

As I walk across the street to George's shop I'm overcome with anxiety. I hope Uncle B was able to secure what I need. The movers come in the morning. Hard to give them a place to head when I don't know myself. However, a few extra bills slipped into a pocket tends to stall questions and complaints.

So, here I am walking into my future. "What can I do for you miss" *cough cough* Hi I'm looking for George. "That's me. Whatdya want?" I'm here to pick up a package for Diana Prince. "Right." *He heaves himself out of his chair and walks to the back.

I look around at his shop. Guns on most walls, jewelry in cases so you cannot touch, street signs, musical instruments, and fifty years worth of dust covering it all. "Here miss. Open it elsewhere, I don't wanna know what's in it. Two bit hood Barney always makin' me do stupid..." *The rest of his rant was left to the wind as I exited quickly. I got in my car and made my way home.*

*I quickly get into my apartment, lock the door, and sit on the floor. My hands shake as I open the box. Inside Is a book but I know there's more to this book. As I flip through a few pages, I get to my destination...a hollowed out section.

Inside this was a manila envelope full of papers. I sorted through each individual paper. My new birth certificate, my new driver's license, new passport, new social security number, and then there was another envelope.

This one was fat and I wasn't sure what it could be as he'd already given me what I'd asked for. I gingerly opened it and peaked inside. That's when the tears fell and my voice broke sobbing loudly.* Oh Uncle B, you beautiful, crazy man. *Inside the fat envelope was cash, a million to be exact (yes I counted, three times). Also, 3 pieces of paper. One was the deed to a small house, another the deed to a vacant shop on a boardwalk. The 3rd was from Uncle B himself, I read it out loud.*

Princess, told you I owed you. Get your shop up and running, enjoy life, and kick ass in all you do. Love, B. *I'm crying and laughing all at once. I was an idiot for not communicating with him sooner but now he'll get my deliveries twice a year. *I actually put his first order in just before going to the pawn shop. I forgot how much he loved my healing salve and how much it helped him but now he'll never be without it again.*

Ok, time to get this show on the road. *I pick up my phone to makes calls. *I call the movers and give them my new address in Astoria. Then I call the realtor and tell her when I'll pick up the keys for my home and shop.* Tomorrow, I am no longer Cordelya King. 

 I am Lara Bishop.

"So you haven't heard from him since that phone call? Can anyone verify this" No sir I haven't. There may be video evidence of his initial visit as the hallway does have video surveillance but the apartment security isn't always good about holding onto to the info. They tend to record over stuff quickly to save themselves from having to buy new tapes. "Alright, you've made this rather easy, appreciate that. What floor can I find the security room on?" "WAIT! She's lying. She must know where my booboo is! She's just been waiting to get him back."

Ummm first of all, its been 7 years. IF I wanted that cheating, thief back I'd have tried a long time ago. I am happy with my life as is. Perhaps your life wasn't as thrilling as you wanted it to be and that's why your 'booboo' didn't return. Oh and to answer the real question...security is on the 2nd floor. Room 213.

*I shrug my shoulders trying really hard not to toss her out on her ass. How dare she barge into my home and start declaring I wanted him back and must be hiding his sorry ass* "We'll be going now Miss King, you've helped us and I don't see any reason to annoy you further, but if you remember anything else please call me." *he hands me his business card* Not a problem Detective. Oh and to be completely transparent, I'm moving in the next month to a new apartment but my phone number will remain the same should you have any further questions for me. Have a good day, hope your 'booboo' returns to you soon Sheila. *I walk them out as quickly as I can then shut and lock my door, relief flowing through me. Knowing Dan, that will be the only one. He wasn't exactly mr. popularity. Next week can't come fast enough.*

*I'm packing up the last of Cinny's toys so I can donate them when there is a knock on my door. Immediately followed by the ring of my doorbell and another knock* Oh this can't be good news. *I get up to walk to the door looking behind me to make sure nothing seems amiss.* COMING! *I have to yell it past another urgent knock on my door*

*I open the door to a female I have only seen once and hoped to never see again, apparently it's old home week or whatever they call that when the roaches from your past reappear. Next to the female is a male who must be a cop or in a similar business* Hello, may I help you? "Don't play innocent with me bitch, where is he?" *she pushes past me into my house, uninvited, followed by the man.*

Excuse me? Sheila, if I remember right that is your name, Why do you think you can just push your way into my home with no invitation and with no reason to? I haven't seen you in 7 years and even then all I knew of you was the sound you make when you cum. "Well, I never!"

*I smirk* Now don't lie, you always cum...unless you have a shit partner. Hmmm maybe you were faking it knowing what kind of lover Dan was. Speaking of which, where is he? You break up? I know this guy isn't him. "Listen up. Dan came to talk to you last week and I haven't heard from him since. Where is he, you must know. Probably tried to steal him back. And this man is Peter Felt, a police detective because I reported Dan missing and you were the last one to see him. Now, where is he?"

*I extend my hand to the detective, who I know is not thrilled to be here* Hello detective Felt, I'm Cordy King. What can I do for YOU? *He shakes my hand before replying* "Hello Miss King. Is there someplace we can sit and chat for a few. We really do need to know where Dan McKnight is." Sure come on in. Excuse the mess, I'm just packing up stuff for donations. *They sit on my sofa and I sit in my recliner*

Dan did show up here about a week or so ago. Demanded I give him a loan and I told him to fuck off. He didn't say what it was for just to pay something back. He had the audacity to be waiting outside my door when I came back from the post office. He tried to persuade me and I told him off. That was that. He called a couple days later, threatening me, demanding money to pay off whatever loan he had. I told him, again, to fuck off. I hung up and that was the last I've heard from him. I assumed he went back to you. *looking at Sheila*

*I rifle through my box of forgotten keepsakes looking for a card I never thought I'd need. Frank, the man who kept me after my folks died, had a sorted life. He was not a good man. He fooled my folks and many others but I knew the demon inside him.*

*I tell people he ignored me, and he did mostly, but there were times he didn't. Those times I prayed to win the lottery so I could get away. I did after I finished high school. But for being a demon him human clothing, he had some unique friends. One of them was Barney.*

*Barney was funny, quirky, and a masterclass forger. He had ins everywhere. Frank said it was from his military days in Vietnam. I don't know and it really doesn't matter. I just hope he still alive.*

Ahhh, there you are! *I grab the card and, with a big breath, I dial the number written on it.* *Three rings in and he answers.* +Who the fuck is this and where'd you get my number?+

Nice way to answer your phone uncle B. *I laugh shaking into the phone* +Well, well, well, if it isn't the prodigal princess. Why didn't you go to Frank's funeral?+ Why didn't you, you ole billy goat? *he laughs then wheezes into the phone*

+You got me there princess. Man was a pig but had his uses. Now, after all these years I doubt you called to shoot the shit. What's up?+ I've found myself in a bit of a pickle and need your special kind of help.

+Say no more, I don't want details. I owe you big so whatever you need, you get and then some.+ I need a new life. Name, location, the whole kit. +How long I got?+ Two weeks tops.

+Gotcha princess. Don't worry, I got ya. Now, remember my P. O. Box?+ Yes Uncle B. You want the same stuff as before? +Yup, twice a year princess. Been without a long time.+ You got it. +Now, remember that old buzzard George and his pawn shop?+ Yes, stuff going there?

+You got it princess. Give me ten days, then see him on the eleventh day. Tell him you are Diana Prince. Got it princess+ Yes, got it. Thank you B. +Always princess.+ *he hung up before I could say goodbye...so like him. Now to get the rest of this stuff sorted.*

(TRIGGER WARNING: Murder/Death Discussed)

*I walk into my dark, silent apartment heading straight to the shower. I shed my clothes as I walked, caring little for where things landed. This wasn't my home anymore anyway. *I turn on the water not feeling its icy slaps to my skin. I grab the washcloth and soap mindlessly washing the dirt, the sin off my body. I scrub til blood dribbles down the drain with the dirty water. I collapse into the corner, my unshed tears finally breaking through.*

What have I done? *I whisper into my arms.* Cinny, I'm sorry it had to go this way but there was nothing else to do. Forgive me my friend, while I learn to forgive myself. *I close my eyes relishing the water pelting my skin, cleansing my body while my soul remains filthy.*

*I think back to two days ago, that man with the giants. I think to the Vet who pronounced Cinny dead. I think of my plan to end this once and for all.* It was for the best. I know it was. *I called Noel and made plans to meet this evening at 5:00pm at a park two towns over.*

*He questioned my meeting place but I explained I was collecting herbs that grew there and it would be easier than driving home and wasting more of his time. Put a little lilt in your voice, especially when you know he wanted you, and a gal can get most anything she wants.

*So, he agreed and I went out of town to get some supplies. Then I came back and baked some sea salt and extra fudgy brownies and some fruit punch tea. All had an extra kick, hope they liked their treats. I packed up my car and went to the town I'd mentioned.*

*Oh I had forgotten to mention To him this was a ghost town! Oh well. It's one of those small towns the government closed due to mining issues. Not a soul around. I parked and set the table, then waited for the giants. An hour later, they pulled in next to my car.*

"Well, hello Miss King. How are you this fine evening?" *Bastard and his giants sitting down acting like they have no cares in this world. They probably didn't.... until now. They'll not see it coming. THAT I'll guarantee.* Hello. Care for a brownie? A drink? *I ask smiling*

"No, just get handing over what you owe me and we will be out of your lovely hair." *The urge to shiver in disgust rolled down my spine but I kept most of it hidden as I plastered my biggest and brightest smile his way.* Oh please. I went to all this trouble just for you. *I batted my eyelashes and smiled wider. I handed them each a napkin with a brownie and a glass of tea* "Well, if you insist. I would hate to say I turned away good cooking from a beautiful lady." *I watch as they eat and drink their fill, smiling the whole time*

My you fellas were sure hungry. What did you think of my goodies? *I ask as they finished polishing off everything I brought* "Very delicious Miss King, just like you." *I recognized the new glint in Noel's eye and it had nothing to do with the money he thought I owed. *I pretended to clean up and take things back to my car but in truth...I was waiting.* "Hurry up Miss King, let's finish this."

Be right there, just getting the money for you. *I keep shuffling until I hear groans and then cries of "what have you done!" *When the cries died and silence reigned I got to work.

I took off my clothes and switched it to darker clothes that hid my body shape and hair and face. I put on gloves and got out the plastic wrap, and blanket that I'd brought* You can do this Cordy. You can!

*I laid down the plastic wrap and blankets then dragged down the bodies and laid them on their own blankets.* Damn heavy, giant bastards! Can't believe I'm doing this. What have you turned me into? *I kicked the body nearest me out of frustration. Then I went back to my car for the hammer and lighter I'd brought.* This is so gross. *I steadied myself before hitting each man in turn, covering their faces with plastic wrap first to contain the blood, with the hammer.* At least they can't ID you if they ever find you. *I say to the remains before pulling out the lighter. I grab the first giant's finger and proceed to burn each fingertip, ensuring fingerprint ID was also off the table.*

Now to finish this. *I get the car keys from giant 1's pocket then wrap the men nice and tight ensuring they can't be seen without being unwrapped. I drag them to their car, this takes the longest, and eventually get them in a pile inside* Never piss off an empath.

*I drive the car to a very, very deep sinkhole left by a mining incident and unload the bodies. I roll each body down the edge knowing they'd never be found. I strip naked tossing my clothes, my gloves, my shoes, and all the stuff I brought with me in the car.*

*I use my socks to shift the car into gear, tossing the lighter into the car as it goes over the edge too.* Oh, it did catch fire...go me! *I say as I watch the burning car disappear into the void.*

*I walk back to my car, wearing only my socks. I get dressed into my original clothes and drive to another sinkhole the town has. I dump the food and drink items into it, watching them disappear as well.* Time to go home.

*As I drive home I start to realize the enormity of what I'd done. I knew it had to be this way but I also knew what then of things would be too. As I get home, I slide the envelope with my move out notice in it, into the manager's 'inbox' that hangs on his door.*

A new beginning is ahead Cordy. New place, new job, new me. *I pop my head up from my memories when my phone rings. I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around my body, and go to answer it.* Hello? Oh hi Sal, sure I have a minute to discuss your order....

*The morning sun has finally shown it's face. I don't really care, it's just an observation. I've been up all night, partially sobbing and partially planning. I figure this situation really only has two endings.

One, they realize I have nothing and let me be. Which means I leave town as quickly as possible afterwards, probably having to create a new business, a new name, etc.

Two, they kill me and still get nothing. Not like I have family or friends they can go after. Hell, as it stands my Will is set up so anything I have goes to charity. I'd like to say I have lots to live for...but I don't. No family, no-one close to me that'd miss me anytime soon. My clients will assume I stopped my business and move on to another shop.

The truth is I've been ok with dying since the first time I cut a bit too deeply and wound up in the ER. It's a darkness most fear but I have always embraced the peace that came with that darkness. I know I'll be alright, plus I get to see my folks again. If I'm to die now, so be it.

I'm proud of myself though, I stared at my razor several times during the night, even picking it up and feeling its smooth, cold surface, but I didn't cut! Touching the razor, feeling its deadly design did give me ideas for a third ending however...revenge.*

Alright, time to get my plan together. I have a lot to do and less than 48 hours to get it all tended to. Cinny! Let's g.....*I gulp back down the words as well as the lump that came up my throat. I forgot, I'm alone now. A lone tear trickles down my cheek, my heart hardening at the same time, my lips set in a determined line.* Let's do this!

*His grin widened to such a state that I feared his ears would disappear.* What do you mean...will and d-d-d-disappearance? "Oh please don't worry your pretty head, just hand over the $50,000, well let's make it $60,000 for my valuable time that's being wasted, and I shall leave you be. If you are truly disagreeable to pay me then you should consider updating your will as well. Should some unforeseen disappearance occur to you as well." Wh-Wha-What? But I don't have that kind of money!! It was Dan's problem, not mine!!!! You can't possibly think threatening me and holding me responsible is going to hold up when the cops get involved. "Dollface, the cops are in my pocket when I want them to be. Not to mention, it was his dying wish that you pay me back. And I can promise you, no threats have been made only how things will be should I not get my money."

*It was at this point that Cinny came around the corner, having had a good nap, and saw the strangers. He sniffed at them and began to growl then bark. Even he knew they were no good.* "Oh look Joey, a mutt! Why don't you play with him while I help our fair dollface understand the importance of giving me what's mine." *Noel grinned with a hint of something in his eyes that I can't be sure I understand.* I'm not a dollface and I don't owe you shit. GET OUT!!! *I was done with the threats, veiled or otherwise, and needed them gone, now! It was at this point Noel just smiled at me then turned to giant number 2, Joey, and nodded.

In that moment my world came to a crashing halt as Joey proceeded to rear his leg back and then kick Cinny as hard as he could. Cinny flew across the room, crashing into a wall, and didn't move.* CINNNYYYYYYY!! *I screamed and raced over to him. He wasn't moving, he wasn't responding to my touch. He was limp. Then before I could process more, I was raised by my hair, turned around, and Noel was in my face sneering at me.* "You have 48 hours DOLLFACE, to give me the money I'm owed or suffer the same." *With that he hauled back and backhanded me then Joey dropped me on my ass and the 3 of them walked away leaving me a puddle on the floor.*

Cinny, Cinny, OHHH Cinny please wake up!! Please don't leave me too. Oh gods... *there was no breath coming out of him, his little eyes staring off, and my eyes were dripping with tears for my precious friend who had seen me through so much. I couldn't protect him when he needed me too.* *The next hour was spent at the Vets trying to explain how he'd died and leaving him to be cremated. Then it was home again to hold his toy to my chest as tightly as I could while rocking on the couch staring into space. Not sure I can recover from this.*

(TRIGGER WARNING. Animal Cruelty discussed for SL purposes)

*I had been expecting a late delivery of product so when the bell rang it wasn't a surprise. What was a surprise were the giants on the other side of the door holding my boxes.* Ummm hello, thank you but you could have just left them outside the door. *I smiled and attempted to take the boxes from the giants* *Pushing their way inside my apartment and past me, I realized this wasn't an ordinary delivery.

I looked for my phone and was just about to grab it when they headed me off and got to it first." "No need for calling in the cops Miss King. We are all friends here." *the syrupy grin from the, apparent, leader's face was not comforting.* I'm sorry but should I know you? *I knew I didn't but was at a disadvantage and had to say something. This man with the evil grin and bad intentions had one giant guarding the door while the other was at my back. I was stuck.* "Oh, please have a seat and let me introduce myself." *the giant behind me shoved me to the couch where I could either sit myself down or fall down as he shoved me again. I chose to sit myself down.* "All comfy? Good. My name is Noel Starza and I believe you have something of mine."

I'm sorry Mr. Starza but I really haven't a clue what you are referring too. If I missed an order I'm terribly sorry and can fix that error right away. Otherwise, you have me at a loss." *It was at this point my nerves were beginning to kick in and my empathic senses were going haywire. He reeked of evil intent, it washed over me like a scratchy wool blanket and all I wanted to do was itch.* "Oh you dear, sweet dollface. I doubt playing the innocent card suits you well. Your Dan told me all about how you were willing to pay his debt off for him. He even gave us a signed promissory note from you. So, if you will just give me what is owed, we shall be on our way." *His smile reminded me of the cartoon Grinch from those holiday movies. All bad teeth and worse breath. I could kill Dan, maybe I will once I get out of this prediciment he's stuck me in....again!*

I'm sorry but he gave you a forged document. I never saw nor signed a note to pay back that bastard's debt to anyone. He and I haven't spoken in nearly 7 years. There is no way in hell I'd help him out. He's a louse, a cheat, and a scumbag. I'm sorry you wasted your time coming here. Now if you will excuse me, I have orders to fill. *I tried to get up to go but was held down by giant number 2. His squeeze to my shoulders would leave a bruise.* "Oh dollface, I don't care. A promise was made and it shall be kept. You are his next of kin according to the will he signed shortly before his, shall we say, unfortunate disappearance. Therefore, the debt belongs to you regardless of note or not."

*I was sitting playing with Cinny, after our dinner, when my phone rings.* Hello? "Hi CordyBoo. Can we talk n now?" Why are you calling me Dan? I told you to leave me be. You are the last person I'd help even if I had money to spare, which I don't. Now fuck off and never call me again or I'll call the police and charge you with harassment!

"You don't mean that CordyBoo. You couldn't hurt me then, you can't now. So, let's be adults. It's just a loan to help me out of a peck of trouble. If you don't they'll hurt me and then you cuz I already told them you'd help. So, it's in all interests to just stop being a bitch."

*The last few months have been full of shit and very few giggles. I know that is how life works at times and so I learn and go on. I don't deny the pain or the way I handled it nor do I deny that life always finds a way to brighten again after a bitter storm. I've been keeping up with my business again and enjoying my work as well as the company of Cinny. He always can put a smile on my face. But sometimes, life likes to take that sunny day and toss some wind your way. You know that wind, the kind that is cold and brings gray clouds but no rain. The kind that has a funny smell to it and you aren't sure where it stemmed from but want it gone at all costs. Today, the stinky, ill wind blew my way. As if I hadn't been through enough lately. Guess the Universe decided my endurance and spirit needed more strengthening. I went for a walk with Cinny this afternoon, nothing unusual there, however what was waiting outside my apartment door was. Dan McKnight. My former fiance/cheating dick was waiting outside my door.* What the hell are you doing here Dan and how the fuck did you find my home? "Aw hunbun is that anyway to talk to me?" *he smiled like that snake he was somehow believing I'd not see the coiled reptile slithering beneath the surface.* Hunbun? You lost the right to call me that nearly 7 years ago Dan. So, tell me why you are here then get the hell gone.

"Fine, can we at least go inside to talk?" No, I'm good here. Speak. "I need your help. I'm in a bit of a pickle and you are the only one who can help. There...satisfied." How the hell can the woman you betrayed years ago be your only one that can help? What trouble? *He got closer to me and I could smell the cheap booze on his breath. Brilliant, he couldn't even ask for help sober.* "I just need a loan, just a small one and I know your business is doing well so I figured you could help." How do you know my business is doing well and how much is 'a little'? "I hear things and it's just $50,000. I'm sure you can manage that."

*It was at this point that Cinny really began growling loudly. Even he knew this man was bad news. With a lot of satisfaction, I simply said,* Nope, sorry. I don't have that kind of money and even if I did you would be the last person on earth I'd give it too. Why not use the money you stole from ME to fix your issues." *Then I turned, unlocked my door, stepped across the threshold, and slammed the door in his face!* "This isn't over Cordy, you will help me. You are too good a person to let someone suffer." *I hear him yelling from the corridor, using his pleading voice as if that will sway me. It'll be a cold day in hell before I help his cheating, lying ass.

Great, now I need some serious chamomile tea or whiskey to knock me down. Sleep won't be coming easy tonight.*

I found love again only for him to disappear on me. That brought back a darkness I thought gone...

The cold of the bathroom floor mimics the cold in my heart. Cinny is at the door but I can barely make his bark out. I won't let him see this part of me. This dark part that has bubbled up again recently. The tears flow and the thoughts twirl. I can't seem to make them stop.

Thomas was supposed to be mine. He promised, he KNEW how I'd been abandoned in the past and he promised to never do that. He did. He just up and disappeared, there is nothing anywhere that shows he existed ever. He did what he promised he would never do, abandon me. It must be me. It must be. I'm bad. I'm no good. I'm unlovable. I'm evil, that must be it. Why can't I be loved as much as I give it? Why is my love not good enough? Am I ugly? I know I have scars, I'm so sorry. I'm a failure. I'm unworthy of love, that must be it.

The razor is cold against my warm skin. I tried so hard to ignore this itch, to find other ways around the pain that surrounds my very soul. The darkness calls to me. It's peaceful, it's beautiful, it's quiet, and best of all...it won't leave me. It loves me for who I am.

It accepts me. Why shouldn't I follow it? *I bang my head on the bathroom wall a couple of times* Blood and pain ease one another. Ease the crushing feel in my heart. My heart is being crushed. I cannot handle this weight anymore. I need the release. I'm bad. I'm so very bad. I used to have hope but now.... *I press the razor to my skin and skim over the soft peach colored flesh. The blood dribbles as I continue making marks along my arm.* The pressure valve is steaming now, letting me breath a full breath. The first in weeks.

I told her I wasn't sure how she could be of help as I had just run and gotten a bit lost. She smiled and said, "we all get lost, that's usually when we get found. You look sad, lets see what we can do about that." I don't know why I followed her into her studio but I did and it was the best decision I'd ever made for myself, aside from opening my shop of course. That night Cindy taught me the calm release that yoga can bring to your soul. I became an addict. I went 5 nights a week to Cindy's classes and I never picked up another razor in an attempt to cut away the pain. I can't explain any of it, just that it worked for me and my soul. My demons lessened, my soul lightened, and my joy returned. It took a few months, it wasn't easy or quick, but it happened. When my lease was up I had enough to move and start over. Cindy had become a dear friend/surrogate mom and I would miss her dearly. The last night I went to her class she pulled me aside and gave me a gift. "Take this with you and read it whenever you need a reminder of how strong and courageous you are. Spread your joy and compassion Cordy...that's what you were meant to do." Then she handed me a beautiful sign for my wall. It still holds a place of honor in my living room.

That night, I cut myself for the first time in years. It felt good even though I knew it was wrong. My mind was just spinning with the mess my life had become. I couldn't concentrate long enough to sort it all out. I was ashamed but the cutting helped. So did the tears I shed along with the blood. I fell asleep on the floor again, this time with dried tears and blood on my face and hands

I woke up feeling like I'd drank my fill of vodka last night. In truth though, I'd cut too deeply and bled too much. It's been 3 weeks since Dan betrayed me. I talked to a lawyer and can sue over the false signature issue. It's just a matter of worth to me. Do I want to take this to court? Do I want to waste money on a lawyer I don't have? I thought over it a lot and decided, no. I'd rather save my money and get the hell out of town. I don't want to be near them nor anyone we knew.

I need to pull myself together. I realize I'm falling apart and my depression and cutting have really started to dampen my joy and my desire to help others. My work means everything to me but I just can't muster the passion for it right now. I've been here before and I hated it. I hate it now but I can't seem to find the spark I need to reignite myself. I'm still sleeping at the shop, I used my income to buy essentials and I also opened a new bank account, just savings this time. When my lease is up, I'm gone. I really hate these feelings and knowing the truth and reality of it logically but still not being able to pull myself out of the dark place in my head that tells me how pathetic I am, how worthless, how ugly, and how life would be best if I disappeared. I decided I need to get out of my head before the shop opened, so I dress and go for a walk. As I walk along looking at the store fronts a picture captures my attention. I walk up to the window and read the quote on it. My heart sped up and I read it over and over again.

I don't know why it spoke to my soul, but it did. I needed to buy this picture. I went into the shop and bought it. I hugged it close to me as I walked back to my shop. When I got inside I put it up on the wall above my counter where I could always see it.

That night, I didn't cut. I found the strength to ignore the need that clawed at me. I had to put my hands under me to stop myself...but I did. I do really good over the next month. Then, the crash came. I saw Dan and Sheila at a restaurant being all lovey dovey. I ran back to my shop and went right to my razor. I shook with the need to cut my leg. The razor, at my thigh, ready to give me that glorious release. "NO!" I yelled and threw the razor away. I pulled my pants up and left the shop. I locked the door and ran down the street.

I don't know how long I ran, I just know when I stopped I was breathless and out of tears. I looked around me and didn't recognize the street. There was a light on in one of the stores though and I went in. I hoped to get a drink but what I found was even better. "Namaste and welcome to The Yoga Spot. May I help you?" I looked at the older lady and shook my head. I told her I didn't realize where I was and apologized, ready to head out when she stopped me. "My name is Cindy and I think you are in the right spot."

He says, "you're interrupting Cor, what do you need?" Can you believe that shit? Who was this man and where was the man I gave my heart and soul to? Of all the things floated in my head the only one that came out was, "I've just become a fucking cliche." I walked into the living room and waited. The girl came out, gathered her clothes, put them on and gave me a grin as she left. Dan, however, took an hour to come out and when he did, he had the decency to have 2 suitcases of his stuff packed and ready to go. "Dan, what the fuck is going on?" "How long has it been going on?" He just leaned against the wall and stuck the knife further into my soul. "Sheila and I have been together for 6 months. She's my true love, you were a convenience." "A convenience? How?" I questioned, waiting for anger to arise. "Sheila wasn't able to get a work visa until 6 months ago. I needed a gal to take care of me and give me sex until she could get here." "So, I never meant anything to you?" Now, the anger was coming out. "I meant NOTHING TO YOU?" "I was what? a warm pussy and kind heart?" He smirked, "Quite frankly, yes." "Fuck you. How dare you use people like this! Take those bags and GET OUT OF MY HOME!" I screamed as the tears ran down my face. "Now, now Cor...you forget, I'm the primary on this apartment and I've already told the landlords you are out and Sheila is in." I know my jaw was on the floor by this point. "Wha...?" "What? You silly little girl...these are YOUR bags. I'm not going anywhere."

My head was spinning, I couldn't breath, and I swear I was drowning on dry land. It's possible, I read about it once. Dan grabbed my arm, yanked me up off the sofa, dragged me to the door and shoved me out. He took the suitcases and tossed them into the hallway. "Don't come back, I'm changing locks in the morning." He took the house keys off and tossed me the rest. And then he slammed the door on me. He locked the door and I finally blinked, aware that I was screwed. He used me, tossed me out, and now I'm homeless.

I sat in my car for, who knows how long, thinking back on all that had occurred. I thought back to months earlier and replayed every conversation, every look, every small detail I could recall. The signs were blaring, like the neon lights on the Vegas strip, I was just too blind to see. Better put, I was too naive and trusting in our "love" to see it. I ignored my intuition, ignored my head, and let this man play me. I started my car and headed to my shop.

I would sleep in the backroom of my shop for the time being. Tomorrow I would get some essentials and look at studio apartments. I still had a few months on the lease here and I felt good about finding something closer. Maybe I could get close enough to walk to work. I take my suitcases into the shop, set the alarm and head to the back. I use a roll of paper towels as a pillow and had a night that did not include sleep. The next morning I put a sign up telling my clients that I would be open in a couple of hours. I went to the store for a few items to tide me over until an apartment could be found. I got a cot, a blanket, a pillow, and some food that was fixable in the microwave I kept at the shop. I also got a handful of books to keep my mind occupied. As I went about paying for my purchases the card reader kept tossing it back at me. I tried 5 times before the cashier took my card and ran it herself. Came back "insufficient funds". Now, I was confused as I knew there was plenty of money in there.

I left, got in my car, called the bank, and was informed my account had been closed out just 30 minutes earlier by my fiance. I said that wasn't possible as I never authorized it. They informed me they had my signature authorizing it. My foolishness reared its' head again. I'd been betrayed, kicked while down, and stolen from...wasn't sure how much more I could take. I went back to the shop and carried on about my day. I had clients who needed me and I wasn't going to let them down.

It was such a beautiful time for me. My shop was almost ready to get going, I had visited several wonderful cities and made forever memories, and I'd just met the man I knew was my forever. We said our goodbyes, exchanging numbers so we could keep in touch once we were home. I had saved some of my parents life insurance money and sunk it into this cute little corner shop I had found. When I got home I finalized the paperwork to lease the place for a year and got started getting it stocked and decorated. Dan went back to his hometown, got a job, and was saving up for our future. At least that's what I was told. We talked daily, met up every chance we could. My shop took a lot of my time but it was worth it. It was doing rather well, better than I'd anticipated. Dan's work was going well too. He was making great money and we had talked and wanted to take the next step in our relationship, moving in together. We found a little apartment between our towns so we had about the same distance to drive every day. My dreams were coming true. I had the shop I always wanted, it was doing well and I had a man who I loved and he loved me. A year after we met and started dating, Dan got on bended knee and proposed to me. Of course, I accepted and wore the ring with pride. We set a wedding date for the next year figuring that was enough time to get things prepared while working our jobs. Little did I know that 3 months later my world would be shattered.

A week after my engagement we went to the bank and got joint accounts. He felt it was time to pool our money and start putting money aside for the wedding and honeymoon. I didn't think much of it as we had planned it to do it anyway. Life went on as always, Dan was really making strides in his career and my shop was taking off. Our lives were shifting a bit but we expected that. So what if we didn't see each other as much? We'd be spending our lives together and our careers would level out eventually.

Two months after we were engaged I notice Dan's behavior shifting towards me in small ways. He didn't come home at his usual time. He didn't come and eat lunch with me like usual. He let his copper colored hair get a bit longer and got irritated when I asked why. I blame my naivete and my willingness to completely trust this man that I loved with all my soul on my blindness. I couldn't see what was going on until it was too late. 10 weeks after our engagement I came home early as I wasn't feeling very well.

I walked in, not expecting anyone to be here as Dan usually did not get home til after 7 at night. I tossed my purse and keys on the table by the door and that was when I saw Dan's suit jacket on the sofa arm. I was about to call out to him when I heard weird noises coming from the back rooms. As I turned in that direction I noticed more articles of Dan's clothes littering the hallway leading to our room. However, female clothing like stockings and a skirt were on the floor too. As I got closer to my bedroom the sounds got clearer and I squeezed my eyes shut not wanting to believe what I was hearing. I thought if I just shut my eyes then it isn't true. Thoughts swirled in my head as I tried to understand the deceit I knew I was about to face.

My bedroom door was open and as I got to the entrance I saw Dan, who swore to love me forever, with his dick in the pussy of some teeny tiny blonde girl I'd never seen before. He had her up against the wall, moans and squeals coming from both as they got close to completion. He'd never taken me that way. He said he wasn't adventurous and preferred simplicity in sex. He used to tease me about wanting to try out different positions and toys. Said I was too wild and needed to calm down. Now, he's banging some chick against my bedroom wall! All kinds of cuss words, some I'm not even sure were real cuss words, were going through my head. I cleared my throat, they stopped and looked over their shoulders. Dan had the audacity to look pissed off, as if it was my fault he was fucking another woman.

Mama always told me that my empathic awareness was a blessing, a means of protecting myself. I never understood why it would be a blessing but I didn't dare cross mama. She was always right and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. However, I never understood how she could think this "thing" was anything but a royal pain in the ass. I never had friends because I could sense deception. I never had boyfriends because I wasn't just going to let them stick me with their teeny weeny because they had urges.

So, I was frigid and unlikeable and then, after the accident, I was a freak. I could live with frigid, it wasn't that I didn't have urges but I wasn't going to give in to them. I controlled my body, not the other way around. I desperately wanted friends but I wasn't going to pretend all was hunky dory when backstabbing and deception was the reality. Like me as is or goodbye...that's always been my motto.

My world turned upside down when I was 14. I remember sitting in Mr. Phelps Ancient History class when I had a pain so great hit my head that I fell over. Of course, that didn't help the "she's a freak" mentality my classmates already had of me but it couldn't be helped. The pain was so intense and I knew something bad had happened to my parents, I just knew. I was always connected emotionally to them. Mama said it was my anchor, papa said I was afraid of letting go. I grabbed my bag and ran for the door ignoring my teacher's yells.

When I got to the school center, the principal and a police officer were coming out of his office. As soon as Principal Paul looked up and saw me, I knew. The tears flowed like a river and I didn't even try to stop them. My world was gone. I was alone now. It just never registered to him that I needed supervision. That at 14, I wasn't quite grown up enough to not need a bit extra. I spent a lot of time in the library looking up things that I was experiencing with my body since Frank didn't really know about puberty stuff. So, it was me. I was angry for a long time with no real outlet. So, I started cutting. That lasted for several years before I realized the pain wasn't really leaking out like I had hoped. I graduated high school and had kept up study of herbs and plants.

Mama would have been proud since she instilled my beginning knowledge and love of those things and the healing they could provide. In college, I pursued an alternative medicine and botany dual major. Later getting Masters in those as well. I traveled as often as I could studying herbal healing from every master in the world that would teach me. I love what I do and it healed me in ways cutting and therapy never could. It gave me purpose, which we all need. 8 years ago I was on my last travel abroad trip enjoying some relaxation before coming home and opening my shop when I met him. "The one" who would claim my heart, Dan. He was a breath of fresh and I bought his words of affection hook, line, and sinker.

Dan McKnight. A name I haven't said aloud in 6 years. He was a newly graduated architect taking a graduation tour of Europe. I was sitting at an outside cafe in Paris when suddenly the sun disappeared. I looked up and there was Dan. He was standing over me smiling this half smile that I found so sexy. I couldn't help but smile in return, then asked what he wanted. He asked to sit with me as there were no other seats available. I looked around and there were only 3 other people there. What a pick-up line. I fell for it, of course, why wouldn't I? I was young and naive and he knew it. He sat, we talked, we laughed, and we found that we had a lot in common. We even lived close to one another in the States. He and I spent the next week together. Dan was my first everything.