Cophine Lovin

“I was sick,” Cosima told him.

“Yeah, ok, whatever, Cosima,” Scott replied, annoyed. “I thought I was your friend. I’m just trying to help.”

Cosima placed her beer on the bar and put her head in her hands. “She really fucked me up, Scott,” she stated. “I thought...I thought we had something. And now she’s gone. Not like she even wanted me in the first place.”

“Cosima,” Scott soothed, “I saw the way she looked at you, and the way she talked about you. You didn’t mean nothing.”

“Sure felt like I did,” Cosima responded.

“I’m sorry, Cosima,” Scott said, getting the bartender’s attention. “Forget her. You can do better. Another round, on me.”

---

Cosima jumped, startled by the phone buzzing on her nightstand. Fuck, who is calling me this early? Oh, fuck, it’s noon.

“Hello?” she grumbled.

“Hello? Cosima?”

She recognized that voice. What the fuck? I haven’t heard from her in five months.

“Uh, hi?” she answered, confused.

“Cosima, hello, it’s Delphine.”

“Uh, yeah, I know who it is.”

“Sorry, did I wake you up? I thought I got the time difference right,” she said.

“No, um, I mean, you didn’t wake me,” Cosima lied, “Why are you calling me?”

Delphine cleared her throat. “Um, so, I just wanted to let you know, I figured I should tell you before I show up, but I will be coming back to work at DYAD again.” She paused, waiting for a response. “I just thought you should know.”

Cosima was caught off guard. It was not something she had expected. She hadn’t even thought of the idea of Delphine coming back to work with her again. That sounded like a nightmare. “Oh, uh, ok,” she stumbled. “Uh, thanks?”

“I know this might be weird for you, but I thought it would be more weird if I walked in on Monday morning,” Delphine told her.

“Yeah, sure, right,” Cosima replied. “Look, I, uh, gotta go. Guess I’ll see you on Monday.”

She hung up before Delphine could respond, all of her feelings flooding back as soon as she put the phone down. Anger, sadness, hurt, love...she still had all of them inside her. She didn’t know what it would be like to work with Delphine again. She didn’t want to think about it.

---

“Good morning, Dr. Cormier. Good to have you back,” Rachel said as she walked into the lab.

Cosima had just gotten in, finding Delphine already at her lab station when she walked in, just like no time had passed at all. She hated herself for thinking this, but she couldn’t help but notice how fucking good Delphine looked. She didn’t want to feel this way. She wanted to hate her so badly. She had given Delphine a quick nod and a mumbled “Welcome back” before going to start her work for the day. This was going to be difficult.

Having Scott there served as some sort of buffer, but when Scott had to leave early to go to the dentist, the awkwardness in the room was palpable.

Cosima put on headphones to drown out the silence, but a few minutes later, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

She turned to see Delphine motioning for her to take her headphones off and she sighed, obliging.

“Hey,” Delphine started, “I am sorry to bother you, but I would like to ask you something.”

“Ok,” Cosima replied.

“I would like to explain some things and...I am wondering if you will give me a chance,” Delphine said, “Please, can we talk over a drink? If you don’t like what I have to say, I promise, I will leave you alone. Please.”

Cosima turned back toward her computer for a moment. She could hear Scott’s voice in her head telling her it was a bad idea. But she never really listened to Scott.

“Ok, fine,” she answered. “Let’s go. I need to get out of here anyway.”

Delphine let the smallest smirk come across her lips as Cosima gathered her stuff.

---

They arrived at the usual spot and sat down at the bar as Delphine ordered two beers. They sat awkwardly for a moment before Delphine broke the silence.

“Remember the first night we met, when you knocked over your beer at that bar,” she smiled.

“Mmhmm,” Cosima nodded, trying not to let herself smirk.

“I always wondered if you did that on purpose,” Delphine teased, “You know, just to get my attention.”

“Nah, it was just clumsy old me,” Cosima tried to joke, but she wasn’t entirely feeling it.

“It was cute though,” Delphine grinned.

Cosima sighed and took a swig of her drink. She turned to face Delphine. “What did you bring me here for? So we could reminisce and not think about how terribly everything ended?”

“No, I…” Delphine drifted off. She took a sip as her face became more somber, staring straight ahead.

Cosima knew this had been a mistake. She didn’t know why she had agreed to this.

Delphine turned suddenly toward her, looking her straight in the eye. “Cosima, I miss you.”

Cosima scoffed. “How can I even believe that, Delphine?”

“I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me,” Delphine asked.

Cosima huffed again, not believing a word of what she was hearing. “Delphine, I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Look, I know I don't have any right to say it. But these past five months have been hell. Dealing with my family and everything, and all I could think about every night was...was you. How I wished I had you to talk to, to...to hold in my arms, to tell you how I feel about you. Because I made a huge mistake. And I would do anything to make it right,” Delphine explained, her voice shaky.

Cosima didn’t know what to say. “Delphine, I—”

“Cosima, I knew I would have to go back to France and I didn't know for how long and I was trying not to get attached,” she continued. “It didn't work though.”

“Delphine, why…” Cosima was still confused. How could she have left her like that? How could she have done that?

“I was trying to protect you,” Delphine explained, “I didn’t want either of us to get hurt. I was naive. I didn’t mean to fall for you. But...but...I did.”

Cosima could feel her heart beating a mile a minute. She was still so confused, hurt, angry.

“Please, give me another chance? Let me make it up to you?” Delphine pleaded, “All I want is to take you out on a proper date. Make things right. Please? Give me a chance?”

“Delphine, you broke my heart,” Cosima stated, half angry, half hurt, “Do you know that?”

Delphine nodded as tears welled up in her eyes. “I broke my own heart too, Cosima,” she admitted.

Cosima was so torn. In that moment, she felt so mad at the woman in front of her for doing what she did, but at the same time, all she wanted to do was grab her and kiss her and tell her how much she loved her.

“Please, I am so sorry. I care so much for you. I…” Delphine continued, before realizing she had said everything she could at that moment.

Cosima took a deep breath. “I...I need to take it slowly, ok?” she responded. I'm scared. “You can take me to dinner.” What the hell am I doing?

Delphine smiled as a few tears fell from her eyes.

---

Cosima stood, applying her eyeliner in the mirror. She couldn’t believe she was doing this. She was so excited and nervous she was practically shaking. There were so many unknowns. How would this night go? Did Delphine really want her back? Did she even have her in the first place? They were never truly together. They had never really had a shot. Could they even make this work? Could she ever trust Delphine?

She was driving herself crazy with all these thoughts. She stared into the mirror, happy enough with her makeup, and took a deep breath. It’s going to be fine, Cosima. She repeated the mantra again and again. She knew she was pushing herself to do this because she had never really gotten over the blonde. She still had this insane piece of hope inside of her that what Delphine had told her was true, that she really had been trying to protect her, even though it had failed miserably. She wanted so badly to put aside everything that had happened in the past and start fresh, because she was still in love with the gorgeous French woman.

Cosima arrived at the restaurant late, despite having tried to leave early. The moment she laid eyes on those blonde curls, she felt herself melt inside. This is a really bad idea, Cosima. She inhaled sharply and walked to the table.

“I’m so sorry I’m late,” she greeted.

Delphine waved her hand as she stood to give the shorter woman a hug. “Oh, do not worry about it, Cosima,” she smiled.

The two women sat down and immediately ordered wine, both of them seeming nervous about the night. Cosima could feel her heart beating a mile a minute, her brain pulling her back and forth in a never ending war. What am I doing? I’m driving myself crazy.

“Thank you for agreeing to this, Cosima,” Delphine grinned. “I...I was afraid you would reject me completely when I came back.” She took a sip of her wine, her hand slightly shaky. She took a deep breath and placed the glass down, looking up into Cosima’s eyes. “Look, I want to be honest with you from here on out. I am not looking to hide anything from you. I would love to have a chance with you, if you will have me...a...a real chance.”

Cosima could see how nervous the blonde was, how genuine her words seemed, but she was still so hurt by what had happened. “Delphine,” she started, “What you did was unacceptable.”

Delphine nodded. “I know that, but Cosima,” she answered, “You have to admit, you knew the situation. I had laid it out for you. And that is no excuse, I know that. I just want to say that we both knew what it was going into it, and I cannot be to blame for all of it.”

Cosima could feel her frustration coming up from within. She knew Delphine was right, but she didn’t want to admit it. “I...I know,” she said, fumbling with the edge of the tablecloth, her eyes not wanting to meet the blonde’s in fear of falling in and never coming back up.

“But that does not mean I am not so sorry,” Delphine continued, as she reached across the table to grab Cosima’s nervous hand.

Cosima felt a jolt as she felt that skin she had craved so much and looked up, feeling the start of tears coming to her eyes. She held them back and swallowed. “I don’t know,” she whispered, “I just don’t know.”

Delphine pulled back her hand and nodded.

“I’m sorry, Delphine, this was a bad idea,” she choked, knowing she was about to start crying. She got up from the table. “I...I’m sorry,” she stumbled as she turned to run out of the restaurant. She could hear Delphine’s voice calling her as she left, making it to the street before her tears rushed down. She clutched her stomach, feeling the anxiety pool there. She was scared. Scared of what Delphine was telling her, scared of what could happen if she gave her another chance. She didn’t know what to do.

She got into her car, knowing she shouldn’t drive when she was this upset. Instead, she called Scott, asking him to meet her at the bar a few blocks down. She didn’t want to be alone right now. She couldn’t.

Scott arrived at the bar, immediately running up to Cosima and giving her a hug. 

“Dude, what the hell happened?” he asked, “What did she do?”

Cosima sniffled as she swallowed. “I just...I didn’t know what to do...I got scared…I left…”

“You left? What did she say to you?”

“She said she wanted me to give her another chance, all this bullshit,” Cosima answered, “Just, I...I don’t know if I can trust her.”

Scott sighed. “Cosima,” he stated as he looked into her eyes and put his hand on her shoulder. “What do you want?”

“I don’t know what I want,” she whispered, not even having thought seriously about what it is she actually wanted.

“I think you need to think about that, and then make a decision,” Scott explained, “because this indecision is killing you. She came all the way back from France to apologize to you, and to lay her heart out to you, didn’t she? You have to decide if she is what you really want, and if she is, then, you have to go for it. Otherwise, you’ll regret it. And you know, every time you put your heart out there, there is a chance it will get broken. There are no guarantees. But just think about it, Cosima.”

Cosima took a deep breath. “How the hell did you get so wise?” she asked, grinning slightly.

“I’m in love,” Scott smiled.

“What? No fucking way,” she laughed, punching his arm. “With who? How come I didn’t know about this?”

Scott grinned his goofy grin. “We kind of always talk about you, Cosima. I’ve been seeing Candace.”

“The girl from the DNA lab? No way!” Cosima replied.

“Yes way,” Scott chuckled.

“Damn, Scotty,” Cosima said, feeling a little better. Scott was right. She did have a lot to think about. She decided to go for a walk before driving home so she could clear her head a little. She left Scott at the bar and started down the street toward her car.

What did she want? Delphine was all she had thought about for months. She hadn’t been able to get her out of her head. It was torture, but now...now she had a chance to be with her. How could she pass up that chance? As much as she was trying to fight it, she knew deep down, she still loved the blonde, and it would be very hard to let that go. Scott was right. There is always a chance of getting hurt, and Delphine seemed to be genuine. Maybe she needed to give this a shot.

Shit, I left her at the restaurant. I’m such a douchebag. She reached in her purse for her cell phone, dialing the blonde and taking a deep breath.

“Hello? Cosima? Are you ok?”

Cosima smiled. Her heart felt warm as she heard the blonde’s voice. She wanted her. She wanted her in her arms, in her bed, in her heart.

“Will you come over?”

“Yes, of course,” the blonde answered.

“Delphine?”

“Yes, Cosima?”

“I’m trusting you,” she replied, “Because I can’t stop thinking about you.”

Cosima could hear the grin on Delphine’s face as she spoke. “Cosima?”

“Yeah?”

“Je t’aime.”

Cosima’s heart melted inside her chest and she closed her eyes, her lips moving into a smile.

“I...I love you, too,” she whispered.

Delphine chuckled and rolled out of bed.

“Wait, where are you going?” Cosima asked.

“I have to go. It’s late. Otherwise I’m going to fall asleep here,” Delphine answered.

Would that really be the worst thing? Cosima thought. “So?” she vocalized.

Delphine pulled her tank top over her head, sighing slightly and rummaging around for her pants. She stopped for a moment to look at the brunette. “Cosima, I can’t,” she stated.

“Why not?” Cosima inquired, knowing full well she was asking a question she already knew the answer to.

Delphine buttoned her jeans and answered with a bit of exasperation in her voice, “Because that’s not part of this. We agreed on that. And you know that.”

Cosima did know that, rationally. She was very intelligent. But her emotions were starting to take her over, winning in this battle between reason and feeling.

“It’s just sleep,” Cosima replied, “You could stay this one time.” Her mind started spinning as soon as she spoke the words. I just want to be held. Is that so much to ask? I want to feel your warmth. I want to feel your presence. I’m pretty sure I’m falling so hard for you I’m never going to be able to catch myself.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Cosima,” Delphine responded curtly, leaving before Cosima could respond.

The brunette rolled over, bringing her knees to her chest. She could feel a hint of tears coming to her eyes but she couldn’t allow herself to cry. Not about this.

They had an arrangement. They’d had it since Delphine had shown up that first week of January. It was incredible, the night they had shared on Christmas Eve. Cosima wanted to keep that going. Delphine was amazing, the sex was amazing, the best she’d ever had, so when Delphine proposed they do the “friends with benefits” thing, she jumped on it. It was what she had thought she wanted at the beginning. Great sex with no strings attached. It was a dream situation.

Delphine would come over three or four times a week sometimes, and they would fuck until all hours of the night, their bodies moving together as one. It was like nothing Cosima had ever felt. But Delphine would always leave right after. There was no cuddling, no talking afterwards. That was part of their agreement. It couldn’t get too personal, too affectionate. Cosima was fine with that for a while. It felt really good. She had convinced herself that this was all she needed, that they could be friends and work together, while still honoring their arrangement. No drama. That was the point.

But now, Cosima was screwed.

She felt herself getting upset when Delphine would leave. She felt her mind slipping into fantasies of Delphine staying over, holding her, waking up in the blonde’s warm embrace.

She had completely fallen for her, and it was bad.

She knew she shouldn’t let it continue like this. She knew she would just be digging herself deeper and deeper, but she didn’t want to lose what she had.

I can’t give it up. I need to feel her skin on mine. I need to breathe in her scent. I am so fucked.

Her mind spiraled until she finally succumbed to sleep.

---

“Scotty!”

Scott turned to see his dreadlocked coworker walking in the door, her usual half smirk on her face.

“You’re late, Cosima,” he mumbled.

“Oh come on, by like ten minutes,” Cosima answered, “Give me a break.”

Scott rolled his eyes and chuckled. He wasn’t really mad. He just hated how he let Cosima get away with anything.

“Delphine’s already sequencing the sample we took yesterday,” he stated, gesturing over to the office.

“Great,” Cosima answered, unenthusiastically, setting herself down at her chair to start up her computer. She felt the warm presence of Scott coming up next to her and leaned back in her chair. “What, Scotty?”

“What is going on with you two?” Scott whispered, “I know there is something. I’ve got a nose for lesbian drama, you know.”

Cosima laughed, “Oh really?” She typed in her password and started scrolling through her emails. “It’s nothing, Scott.”

“Uh huh,” he answered, unconvinced, moving back toward his lab table. “You’re lucky I’ve got a lot of work to do right now. But later, you’re gonna spill.”

Cosima ignored his comment and continued her work.

“Good morning, Cosima,” she heard in that beautiful French accent as Delphine walked out of the office.

“Hey, Del,” Cosima mumbled, continuing to type. She did not have the time to deal with her emotions, and she knew if she looked at her, she’d have to.

“I’m going to grab more samples from the lab down the hall. These are looking promising,” Delphine stated, walking out.

“Dude, are you ok?” Scott asked, sliding over on his chair. “You seem off today.”

Cosima sighed and looked up at him. “I’m just a little stressed.”

“If you need to talk, I’m here,” he replied, “You know that, right?”

Cosima nodded. “Thanks, it’s just a bit complicated between the two of us right now.”

“I thought the point of this whole thing was to make it not complicated,” Scott stated.

“I’ve got it under control,” Cosima replied, not wanting to get into it further. She could feel herself getting worked up and she did not want to get emotional at work.

“I just don’t like to see you hurting, Cosima,” Scott responded, sliding back over. “I can see it on your face. You should end things before they get bad.”

Scott was right, but Cosima didn’t want to hear it. She wanted Delphine too much to let her go completely, even though she was kidding herself. She didn’t really have Delphine. At least not in the way she wanted her. She took a deep breath, focusing on her work, throwing it out of her mind for the moment.

---

Cosima and Delphine did not see each other outside of work for the rest of the week. They were both busy and Cosima wasn’t sure what she should do about the whole situation, so she didn’t press it when Delphine didn’t ask to hang out.

When Friday rolled around, however, they all went out for their after work drinks, a weekly tradition for whoever wanted to kick back and relax at the end of a stressful week.

Cosima watched as Delphine chatted with Leekie, one of their mentors at the company. She sipped her beer, observing how Delphine’s curls bounced when she laughed, her smile lighting up the room. It had only been three months since she had come here, but it felt like Cosima knew her. It wasn’t because they had slept together so many times. There were so many other reasons. They spent all day at work together, figuring out issues and solving problems. They were a team, and they worked really well together. They had so much in common, and there had been so many times she wanted to take Delphine on a real date, as opposed to just going back to her apartment, making out and having sex. It was wonderful, but she wanted more.

As the night went on, Cosima had a few too many drinks and when Delphine proposed they go home together, she was more than happy to oblige. She wanted her.

As soon as they were inside, Delphine shoved Cosima against the wall. “I’ve missed having you this week,” she whispered in the brunette’s ear, slowly letting her lips glide along the smaller woman’s neck.

Cosima shivered and bent her head back, feeling herself turned on immediately. Her body craved Delphine.

“Take me to bed,” Cosima commanded, gripping Delphine’s waist and pulling her in so their hips were touching.

“Someone is bossy tonight,” Delphine laughed, but obliged as she led Cosima to the bedroom.

Cosima didn’t waste any time in removing her dress and bra, lying down on the bed, somewhat tipsy, in only her underwear. She watched Delphine take off her own clothes, anticipating the moment when that soft body would be on top of hers. That was her favorite, feeling their soft curves against one another, feeling the weight of the other woman. It was incredible.

Delphine climbed on top, having removed her clothes down to her underwear, and straddled Cosima, running her hands over smooth skin. She leaned in, her breasts pressing into Cosima’s, and kissed the brunette hard, their tongues instantly mingling.

Cosima felt the electricity immediately and whimpered into the kiss. To have Delphine on top of her, taking her, was the most amazing feeling. Her hands slipped around to the blonde’s back, moving down to her ass to pull her closer. Her hips grinded into Delphine’s, and she could feel how incredibly wet she was.

Delphine moved her mouth down Cosima’s body, kissing her everywhere, driving her crazy.

Cosima let out a frustrated moan, and Delphine chuckled. “Something you want?”

Cosima groaned and pushed Delphine’s hand down to where she wanted her. “Delphine,” she whined.

Delphine smiled and slide Cosima’s underwear down, placing her mouth on Cosima’s clit. The brunette moaned loudly, thrusting her hips into Delphine’s mouth. “Yes,” she panted.

Delphine moved her tongue, slowly teasing, before inserting a single finger inside.

Cosima’s eyes went wide as the feeling of pleasure shot through her. She gripped tightly to Delphine as the blond pressed up inside her. Delphine replaced her tongue with her thumb as she added another finger and moved back up so her body was fully pressing on top of the smaller woman.

“Yes...yes,” Cosima moaned, unable to think of anything else but the beautiful woman on top of her and the incredible feelings she was giving her.

Cosima looked up, catching Delphine’s eyes as she moved inside her. She could feel herself moving closer to the edge, her pleasure almost coming to its peak, her emotions coming to the forefront as she felt her eyes welling up.

She stared into the blonde’s hazel eyes, on the edge of tumbling down, their bodies moving in rhythm. “Oh, Delphine” she panted, “God, I love you.” Her words came out as she fell over the edge, her body spasming in pleasure, the moment so perfect.

Delphine was quiet as she collapsed on top of Cosima for a moment, both women catching their breath. After a minute, Delphine rolled off, lying on her back and staring up at the ceiling.

Cosima instantly felt cold, her body uncomfortable. She shut her eyes tightly to not let any tears out. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck why did I say that?

“I...I didn’t mean to say that,” Cosima finally ended the silence.

“It’s ok, Cosima,” Delphine replied, sitting up and heading to the bathroom.

Cosima rolled over and curled into herself, knowing her tears were inevitable.

When Delphine came back in the room, she gathered her things and left quietly, not knowing what else to say.

Cosima knew this was it. She knew she had messed up. She couldn’t bear the thought of never being with Delphine again, so all she could do was sob.

--

Cosima woke the next morning with a splitting headache. She stumbled out of bed to grab some water and ibuprofen before she remembered what had transpired the night before. What had she been thinking? It hurt way too much to think about.

She had just sat back in bed when she heard a knock at the door. She groaned, wondering who would be knocking this early in the morning. Her eyes caught a glimpse of the clock as she stood, noting it was almost afternoon, and reluctantly swayed toward the door. When she swung it open, it was the last person on earth she expected to see at that moment.

Delphine stood, looking distressed, her eyes red. It looked like she had had a worse night than Cosima.

Delphine sighed. “Cosima, can I talk to you?” she asked, quietly.

Cosima shrugged, but moved out of the way so the blonde could walk inside.

“Look, I...I don’t think we should do this anymore,” Delphine stated, taking a deep breath and turning to face Cosima.

Cosima’s heart dropped and she swallowed before speaking. “Is this because of what happened last night?” she inquired.

“No, I…”

“Is that all I was to you?” Cosima interrupted, “Someone to fuck?”

“No, Cosima, please…”

“No, it’s fine. I see. I’m so stupid,” Cosima said, pacing the room, “I should’ve never…”

“Cosima, you knew what this was all along,” Delphine stated, starting to get aggravated.

Cosima huffed, walking up to Delphine. “Yeah, well I just thought maybe...the way you look at me when you’re inside me...the way you touch me...your tenderness...I thought you might have fallen for me too...ugh, never mind, forget it,” she spat angrily, walking away and plopping down on the couch.

“Cosima, I have to go back to France,” Delphine stated in a serious tone.

Cosima looked up at her, surprised, before looking back down at the ground and shrugging. “Oh,” she mumbled, “great.”

“My father is ill and they need someone to help run the bakery until they can find a replacement,” Delphine continued, “I knew this would happen. It was only a matter of time. That’s why—”

“So you were just using me?” Cosima said angrily, standing up once more.

“No, Cosima, please, I just knew I couldn’t get into anything,” Delphine defended.

“Well, good for you. Good for you for being able to do that,” Cosima responded, “Did you even think about how I might feel? For one second?”

Delphine could feel herself getting angry. “We had an agreement!” she shouted.

“Well I must be a fucking idiot then, to fall for someone like you. Can’t even separate my feelings...stupid Cosima…”

“Cosima…” Delphine answered, trying to grab the brunette’s hands.

Cosima pulled away. “No, fuck off...have a nice life Delphine,” she spat.

“Please, I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Delphine begged.

“Just get out of my house,” Cosima ordered, “Go! Get out!”

Delphine sighed and walked toward the door. She felt terrible. This wasn’t how she wanted things to be either. But certain things were beyond her control. She had thought if she stayed within the rules...the agreement...she could’ve prevented this.

She opened the door and walked out. She couldn’t look back at Cosima. It would’ve hurt too much.