I wanna change this but idk what to

young Salieri who not only prays for God to make him a great musician but also for God to let him be a man. the miracle happens, his father dies, and he's sent, alone, to Vienna - and what better time to reinvent himself, hundreds of miles from anyone who knew him before? he learns to bind his chest, learns to dress, learns to lower his voice (don't ask me how HRT-less tguy Salieri manages F. Murray Abraham's voice when it goes deeper than the mariana trench don't worry about that part), presents himself as a man every moment from then on. risk of being noticed for his odd privacy and habits? not a problem, it's probably a provincial Italian thing, or an affectation from his position with the emperor going to his head, nothing to bat an eye at. being found out when he attempts marriage or affairs? no need to worry when he's entirely chaste! just as he prays in gratitude for the chance to be a great musician, he thanks God every day for the opportunity to remake himself in His son's image, no matter the effort it takes to realise it.

and then of course, he meets Mozart - and his fury is not only that this uncouth child is the voice of God, but that he is a man by birth. Salieri has had to work so hard every day to maintain his appearance and his position and his self, and Mozart the giggling buffoon gets everything Salieri craves and desires without a second thought. the bitterness, that where Salieri has to guard himself and his life so carefully Mozart can be as free with it as he wishes.

like, the creature had had my darling girl - the fact that Mozart can do that while Salieri, even if he weren't devoted to his chastity, would never be able to do the same. Mozart's high, infuriating laugh that is obnoxious, yes, but that Salieri is almost jealous of, because if he were ever to let his voice slip so high it would draw too many eyes to the other oddities and clues about him.