Confessions of a Bartender

A russian man came in yesterday and asked me for a “Russian Seven.”

I assumed as any bartender would that this could only mean Russian Standard vodka with 7up. 

I told him that we did not carry that brand of vodka but I would be happy to make him the same thing with another vodka.

When I gave it to him he asked me what is was and started getting mad explaining that a “russian seven” is just vodka.

I turned around and he called me a bloody idiot to his friend. LOL wtf. 

I said, “What did you say? I didn’t hear you.” as he continued to mumble.

His friend said to him, “We’ll get you your vodka.” and asked me for a vodka with no seven.

I asked him if he wanted it “on the rocks” (over ice) he said “yes,”

As I went to pour the vodka over ice he freaked out again!!

He apparently wanted just a shot of vodka in a shot glass.

When I brought it over to him he said, “THIS IS A RUSSIAN SEVEN.”

I said,”No. This is a shot of vodka.”

I’M NOT THE BLOODY IDIOT SIR. 

You would think this was common sense that if you don’t tip the bartender you don’t even try to hit on them....but it’s not!!!

The other night a young gentleman and an older gentleman came into the restaurant. The young gentleman had BRACES and was offended when I carded him because he thought he didn’t look young. Hahahaha.

He paid on debit which CLEARLY has a tip percentage button which he chose to skip over. Nice. To be expected from young kids so whatever.

The next time I walked by his friend said to me, “So my friend here thinks you’re really cute....”

I interrupted him with, “Let me stop you right there.”

The man replied, “I know, I know you hear this all of the time....”

“No that’s not it, just a tip....don’t NOT tip the bartender and then hit on them. Thanks.”

Yesterday I saw a girl who I thought had been barred from my restaurant come in and go to the bathroom.

I quickly called my coworker to see if she knew what happened with this girl an why she might be barred. She didn’t know.

I addressed the situation as soon as she came out of the bathroom and she lied about her name....she then admitted who she was and proceeded to tell me how her ex boyfriend supposedly tried to kill her. She assured me that there would be no problems and I let her stay as long as she paid as she drank. She didn’t have much to drink all day and was a little bit annoying but other than that she was fine.

After I was done my shift she went crazy and started accusing my coworker of being a drug addict and calling her a “racial” whatever that means.

She was asked to leave and continued to get louder and louder. She was refusing and started trying to punch and kick everyone so she had to be restrained until the cops came. 

When they came she was screaming “Assault!!! They’re attacking me!!!!” which drew a crowd from everywhere.

Out of nowhere she yelled, “Did you hear that!! He just called me a racial slur!” lol when no one had said anything.

What was also weird was that a guy who looked like a police bike officer showed up just after the cops did....after looking at him for a minute I realized he was not one....

He was wearing a leather vest, a police chain, a badge looking thing on his waist, a radio on his chest, a baton, and had a flashlight. Wtf? lol. He must have been listening to the police scanner.

He claimed that he wore all of that because he was a nightclub bouncer and that he sometimes gets beer bottles thrown at him. I’m pretty sure nightclubs have a uniform that does NOT look like that....I regret not asking him which one he works at.

All I ended up hearing later was the crazy chick screaming, “Why are you arresting me!!! I’m scared!!” 

I also saw the police find drugs in her bag.

Fucking idiot. She could have just left and none of this would have happened!! It turned out she had breached probation twice and that means they have to charge her with everything now and she’ll be out on bail.

Just another crazy Monday....or an every day full moon. 

Today a regular and his 10 year old daughter came into the restaurant. He went to the bathroom and I went to see what she would like to drink.

She told me that she would have a coke and then said, “Wait!!” as I was walking away.

I figured that she had changed her mind on what type of drink she wanted...instead she said, “My dad said he knows but he’s not going to tell me today...where do babies come from?”

LOL wtf. Did not see that coming.

I told her that I also was not going to tell her today!! She tried to pay me $40 dollars of her dads money to tell her and she said that she’s asked her mom, her grandma, and her dad and no one will tell her! 

Hahaha.

When I went back to the table a second time her dad said, “Okay you can tell her.”

Not my job description, sorry pal! I didn’t! haha

Sometimes when you work with someone else and you don’t know a customer’s name you have to call them something that the other will understand if they need to. (Blue shirt guy, glasses guy, etc.)

I laughed so hard the other day when I went on the computer and saw a tab labelled EVIL!

I looked around and decided it could only be one person.....this guy who has argued the prices of drinks in the past....he’s annoying but not thattttttt bad...............

 Until he called me over and this was our conversation:

Evil: *Points at his Bill* Is this a misprint? That’s not the real price of beer,

Me: Yes it is, always has been.

Evil: Is it fucking comedy night?

Me: Noooo.......

Evil: Did the dutchess or coors pour it for you?

Me: I don’t make the prices.

Evil: I know you don’t make the prices.....................

All the crazies got their cheques and decided to come out to play!! 

The one that takes the cake for the day put his bicycle in the middle of the room and parked it, he kept putting on loud rap music at lunch time, continued to rap to the music, and was wearing 3 hats.......DA FUCK?

He even interrupted me while I was at a table taking a food order for change to put on music! When I told him I would be right with him after placing the order he was standing beside me reading the computer screen!! “Bun on the side?” He asked.

LOL wtf. Go away.

I was walking into the back and he yelled out to me, “HEY DO YOU HAVE SWISS CHEESE?”

He kept asking me to change the TV’s and asked for more and more change to put on music.

I overheard him on the phone telling someone he was going to “punch them in the face if they didn’t come and pick him up within the hour and take him to the casino.”  (He left on his bike in the end...lmao.)

I also heard him claim to be getting paid $4000 dollars to hang someone out the window of an apartment building in the afternoon...

He proceeded to tell other customers that he’s the “muscle” of the crack dealing....

He then got upset because he tried to play ABBA on the jukebox and it didn’t start playing in a timely manner.

When he FINALLLLLLY went to leave I asked him if he would like a copy of his bill and he responded: “YEA, and write your number on the back.”

LOL wtf. My number is 9-1-1! Help!! Too much crazy..............

PART TWO:

Literally a 300 pound guy who I’ve met before in the past comes in with his girlfriend. He claims that my boss is his uncle....meanwhile my boss doesn’t remember his name. HAHAHA.

He’s wearing the contacts that look like alligator eyes. Cool. NOT.

The two of them have me make FIFTEEN polar bear shots for them during the day....(not each of course) and then they leave me a $5 tip on a $150 dollar bill!! 

Obviously she’s not with him for his money....

Anyways, the guy came up to the bar alone at one point to order more shots and had this conversation with me:

Fat Fuck: “Hey do you remember my last girlfriend?”

Me: “No.”

Fat Fuck: “Oh, well, this is my new one and I wanna stay with her but you know I can’t just stick to one woman you know?”

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS GUY EVEN FIND ONE? He’s cheap and disgusting. Like I’m actually supposed to believe that he has so many options it’s too hard for him to stay faithful. Lmfao!! 

The cherry on top was when they were leaving the girlfriend was waiting for him to come and do one last shot with her at the bar...

He was standing 7 feet away and she said, “He better hurry up and get back inside.”

I informed her that he was right there behind her and she kept saying, “Where?”

LOL! IT took a good 40 seconds before she found him. It blew my mind. Literally there was no people around obstructing the view.

Maybe she’s blind?? 

HAHAHA

These fuckers scammed me the other day. 

They ordered beers, shots, appetizers which they ate and even came up to me to ask for the menu again because they were apparently still hungry.

They seemed like genuine people but it was the oldest trick in the book.

Right as the food was coming up they went out for a cigarette.

The food sat on their table with their fresh beers and they never came back.

$111 dollars later. GO FUCK YOURSELF! I hope you get hit by a car. 

This is my favourite. 

Once upon a time a girl came into the bar and did cocaine, gave alcohol to a minor, got in the paramedics way etc. 

She has since tried to come back in even though she has been told she’s not welcome many times!

Every time we tell her to leave she argues and eventually goes. Why you would want to be in a place you’re not wanted anyway?

This is the cherry on top. 

She showed up with a resume. LOL. K you’re not allowed in here you’re definitely not going to work here....and she brough friends!!! WTF!

She also tried to refuse to leave again and pretend she had a job interview.

I answered the phone today just before lunch and the voice on the other line told me that he was "bringing his drum set at 12 and we were going to rock out!"

lol wtf...... 

He continued to say that it would be the most "rockin Tuesday" I'd ever seen......I let him know that it was actually Wednesday.

He clarified that he was coming in to play at night and said, "Should I bring my drum set?"

"Yeah," I responded.

"Why?" He replied to that....

Who knew something as simple as filling the car up with gas could get so crazy!! 

I was literally getting into my car when a random chick walked up on foot and grabbed my door and screamed..."fuck you, you fuckin' bitch!!" in my face. 

I couldn't help but laugh at first cause WHAT.......THE..........FUCK....(This was a Sunday afternoon.)

I mean who doesn't love day drinking but this bitch was angry and ALONE!

To top it off after she screamed in my face she whacked my car as she walked by. Without even thinking I jumped out of the car and flipped out on her for touching my car.

One of the most recent crazies that we encountered was a man wearing black nail polish, what looked like a rusty superbowl ring....shorts and kneehigh socks in -25 degree weather.

He wandered into the restaurant and was looking in the mirror. He then walked over to a chalkboard and stood there for a minute....

I asked him what he would like to drink and he started repeating, "I have no money! I have no money!"

WTF lol. 

I came to the conclusion that he:

1) Was on drugs.

2) Was messed up from doing too many drugs in the past

There is a guy who comes in who has always creeped us ladies out. He's always asking us what perfume we're wearing and things like that.

My coworker mentioned to one of his friends that this is how we feel and her response was: "His toenails are purple."

She said: "What?"

His friend replied, "You heard me."

"No...I didn't hear you."

"Yes, you did."

The friend then proceeded to explain that when he's asking us creepy questions he's asking for himself...because he likes to dress differently in his spare time...

Haha.

    Why do people not understand the word barred?

This one girl is especially stupid when it comes to this word.

First of all if I did even half of the shit she did I wouldn't even try to go back to the same bar.

This girl got in the paramedics way once, got caught doing coke another time, never tips on huge bills, and gave alcohol to a minor.

She keeps coming back and we keep having the same conversation.