I’m really confused about what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. I’m 20 and still living with my mother. My 18 sister has a car, and is about to move out of the house. I don’t have a car, but I have a really great paying job. So, that’s going for me(praise God). But I still fell like a underachieving piece of shit. But, my boyfriend is always telling me that I have to get my shit together(and he means it in the best way possible, he’s just very straight forward) and I’m trying but it’s like…….nothing is happening? You know? Like I’m in Purgatory where I just go to work and come home and go to work and come home and spend my check on groceries and go to work then come home. I mean, I haven’t had a mental break down or cried for a long time so that’s really good…but damn…I just need something…A light, a sign, or anything to show me what I’m doing.
And my mom…god…I’m so grateful that I have a place to stay and glad she’s looking out for me, but she makes me feel like ripping my teeth out. I started smoking weed instead of taking my depression meds and it’s worked on keeping me chill, but she’s really been pressing my buttons. I’ve worked five 12 hour shifts straight and on my day off, I went to the lake with my friends because I haven’t had any time to just socialize…and she got mad at me because I didn’t stay at home to help with a pile of laundry and to sweep. I was like I’m not even going to apologize about this. And now I’m saving for a car, so my boyfriend will get off of my ass because I wanted to get an apartment first but idk he wants me to get a car first. He was making valid points so I’ll give him that. Idk, there’s just so much but so little going on. I had to kick my best friend out of the house because she was bringing toomuch drama and bad energy into the house. She’s a histrionic. I felt so bad. She was staying with us because she didn’t have anywhere else to go. I bailed her out of jail a week ago. $140. Now I told her I wasn’t getting an apartment because I can’t live with her. I honestly think I’d either be robbed or kill myself if I lived with her. But I love her so much, I really do. Tomorrow I’m going to buy her deodorant, toothbrush, panties, soap, and some socks…the basics so at least she’ll have that while she stays at a family friend’s house. It’s just so hard to live with her because she invites so much bullshit in her life, whereas I don’t deal with drama. It literally drains me. Idk I just hope she doesn’t get into any shit while she’s away from me. She needs guidance, I’m just not mentally strong enough to deal with her.
