conanichi

Clea: Exempted ako sa Anatomy.

Me: Ako rin. Sa biochem exempted ka?

Clea: Oo exempted ako.

Me: Sa psych?

Clea: Oo, eh sa physio?

Me: Hindi.

Clea: Ako exempted HAHAHA

Me: Either top 1 or 2 naman ako sa psych. Kaya lagi akong may freebies noon from Doc Della. (Nakakuha ako ng pen, post-it set, food?, and 'yung fave kong mouse pad na from American Society of Psychiatrists.)

Clea: Pag di ka top 1, ako yung top 1.

Me: Hindi kaya, kami kaya ni Kuya Acey yung nagpapalitan sa top 2 spots.

Clea: Edi sa inyo na yan, dyan lang naman kayo magaling sa psych.

Before Taiwan, noong busy ka pa sa NU at masters, lagi kang may ginagawa tuwing duty. You were so driven and passionate with what you’re doing. I admire how you want to grow professionally, and you are actually doing something for it to happen. It’s something I couldn’t see myself doing right now. Iba yung commitment mo sa sarili mo para maging better ka. Hindi ka lang nangangarap. May ginagawa ka para maabot yun.

At some point, noong nalaman kong pinag-aawayan niyo yan, napapawish ako na sana ako na lang. Kasi gets kita. Kaya kong ibigay yung hinihingi mong setup. Totoong inaasar lang kita kapag binabanggit ko yung situationship haha. Kung ‘yon lang ang kaya mong ibigay (as of now lang ha? May balak naman siguro in the future?), tatanggapin ko. Kasi ‘yon yung bulk ng admiration ko sa’yo. Pinaninindigan mo yung gusto mo sa buhay. I respect your dreams and vision in life. They say so much about you as a person. You have so much life in you.

Noong iniisip ko kung paano kita ipaglalaban kay Nanay, ang unang sumagi sa utak ko, “aalagaan ako non.” Before, during, and even post Taiwan. Sa totoo lang, I feel like I’m always at the receiving end. You are giving me so much I don’t know what to do with them, and where to put them. At hindi ako sanay do’n. Mas sanay akong nagbibigay to the point na ako na yung nauubos.

Noong hindi pa ko umaamin at kakabalik lang natin from Taiwan, lagi akong nagdadalawang isip kung ayos lang ba hawakan kamay mo. Because it’s not something I usually do with my friends. Kahit tanong mo pa si Lance haha ayaw ko nga ng hina-hug ako. Kaya may mga times noon na pinipigilan ko sarili kong hawakan ka to test if you’ll initiate it. Nalulungkot ako noon kapag iniisip kong mawawala ka rin balang araw. We’ll part ways. Magreresidency ako eventually. Aalis ako sa Bbraun. Hindi na kita makakasama. Madalas ‘yon sumagi sa isip ko. And I couldn’t imagine a life without you.

2x/week lang magkikita pero nagagawa kong 4x. Kapag Thursday, iniisip ko paano kita mapapapunta sakin haha. Kaya nga ako laging nag-aaya ng labas. Before Taiwan, naalala mo noong nagpa-nails ako tapos sa MOA pa ko namili? Pwede mo naman talaga daanan na lang yung maleta sa bahay. Pwede namang sa Southmall na lang ako mamili. Kasi literal na kabilang kanto lang yung nail salon sa Southmall haha. Pero pinili ko yung makikita kita. Makakasama ng kahit kaonting oras. I was already enjoying your company.

Totoo naman na nabawasan yung time namin ni Nanay. Totoo naman na madalas na kong magsungit non. Kasi syempre, may tinatago ako. Nalilito ako. Madami akong iniisip. Kaya ngayon na nasabi ko yung totoo, ang gaan sa loob ko. Kung ‘di ko nga lang iniisip yung iba, kaya ko na ‘to agad ipagmalaki sa mundo.

Ang weird no? Kasi ayaw kitang mawala pero nagrisk ako. Pasensya na haha magulo lang talaga minsan. Pwede palang sumugal at manalo. Sugal lang kasi ako nang sugal eh. Kaya ngayong nandito na yung premyo, hindi ko pa alam paano hahawakan, paano aalagaan, paano nanamnamin. Kung sakaling maubos ang premyo, magramdaman ko sana. Pagtatrabahuhan ko para manalo ulit. Sana di maubos. Sana di mawala. Wala akong nakikitang ibang papalit. Wala kang kapantay."

"Pag kinocorner mo ko, ang pogi mo dun."

"Nakakababae ka."

Uwi na kayo mga boi. The first kiss on the cheek happened last Tuesday, July 14, 2026. Hinatid ko sya pauwi. Bumaba ako ng sasakyan para sana alalayan sya sa mga gamit nya sa likod. She kissed me on my left cheek before she said her goodbye and I just smiled the entire time.

Uy haha na-touch naman ako dito. I do believe we are placed in people's lives in a certain part or chapter because we are meant to be there. So no need to say sorry, Chef.

I feel like I really need to rest. Like for a month or two. Yung magpapabalik ng spark ko sa work. Yung ramdam kong masipag ako. Right now I'm just pushing myself to wake up and work. Dagdag pa yung masters. Oh Lord ah, di ko gustong bumagsak sa masters para mawalan na rin ako ng inaaral.

I'm really sorry hon. I hope I'm not like this. But I can feel it, sooner or later you're gonna give up. And the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that I should let go. I don't want it to be painful again. I'm sorry I'm selfish, because I know you're hurting too.

One of the newly hired faculty ay nakachikahan ko. He's been teaching for 5 years now in different schools, medtech dept din. Last year lang, he got hired and taught in my previous school. Turns out, the starting pay was just 10 pesos higher than when I first entered the place, way back 2018. I was like what?? And he said a lot of things about the current situation for the faculty there, especially the new ones. New ones were still given "chopseuy" subjects and nonsensical schedule (e.g. having to go for a 1-hour class for a day). Academic freedom was nowhere to be found because even the quizzes that you create should be checked by your course head. PPT templates must be enforced, you may not use your prepared slides so you need to transfer them (a single lecture sometimes covers 100+ slides, you get the point). Not much benefits, no 13th month pay, and even the 5k they received last December was called "gratuity" pay. Grabe, sobrang mahal ng tuition sa school na yun ngayon tapos yung balik sa employees ganun lang. Ang pinakanaappreciate nya lang daw ay magagaling yung students at talagang nagbabasa. Other than that, hindi talaga okay yung working environment. I started like that too, with chopseuy subjects, but back then I was not subjected to the other sufferrings he endured. It may be a good school for medtech students, but for employees? Ang dami nga raw umaalis doon pero marami rin kasing nag-aapply. Grabe yung pagsala sa hiring pero yung benefits halos wala.

Dito ko napagtanto na grabe ako pinrotektahan ni Lord. Isipin mo, last leg pa lang ng June 2025, nag-apply na ko don. I also applied to my current school now by 3rd week of July at una pa akong na-interview, demo teaching at hire dito. Pasado naman ako sa interview and hired na sa previous school, pipirma na lang ng contract by 2nd or 3rd week of August already. May sched na ngang binibigay saken. Tapos nung nalaman nilang nagtuturo ako sa ibang medtech dept (i told them this para iconsider nila sa sched ko), bawal pala sa policy yun ng school nila. So sabi ko okay lang, ang pagkakaintindi ko lang dun eh pinoprotektahan ako ni Lord sa burnout dahil dadami responsibilities ko and tasks. Bukod pala don, pinrotektahan Niya rin ako from exploitation and actually directed me to a better working environment, both sa social and financial aspects. Grabe ka na Lord. Bawing-bawi Ka na sakin haha.

Chemistry. Compatibility. Safety.

Maybe my past relationship was pertinent to the story in that it allowed me to distinguish chemistry from compatibility. We did not have that chemistry, no, not at all. Compatibility? I would say that you always try to cater to my feelings, adapt to my current state, and understand how my mind works. So it's not entirely about compatibility but it is your eagerness to align with who I am. But I would actually tell you that it is security that I felt gradually. The safety net that you laid on the very soil I once jumped on only to break my bones in doing so. Day by day, you worked your way up to my heart, making sure that it is safety that I will meet if I meet you even just halfway.

Before you, I did not know I needed reassurance. I was so used to giving it myself that I forgot I should be receiving it too. Then you came, spouting all the reassuring words, with some sprinkle of freedom and no pressure. "Kahit hindi ako ang end game mo," you said. "At least we get to experience each other." You were so willing to give me everything just because you know I am worth it. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan sa akin. How can you just give it all without expecting anything in return? That you just really want to love me with all your heart? I did not know I needed all of this. And it made me realize that she was right, being loved by me will make the other person feel like they are the luckiest people in the world. Because you love me just like how I have given love before, and I most certainly feel I am the luckiest person alive right now just by being loved by you.

And I know how much of your character rubs on me. Because now, I don't care about the future. Or whatever tomorrow holds. You made me feel safe enough to just hold onto today. And if there's no tomorrow for us? I will just be glad to have you today. We don't make promises, do we? And so I can only state this --- you have my today, my Liaove :)

Saw this comment in tiktok about a post that said,

"Kalapastanganan ang balikan ang nakaraan mo habang minamahal ka ng ibang tao. Kalokohan ang makita siya sa bawat taong makilala mo."

Wala mmm delulu lang siguro ako pero the mere fact na they were wondering if nephro ba ko feels like baka naisip nila ito based sa nakikita nilang skills ko sa pag-manage ng intraHD complications. I don't think I'm doing something extravagant, but I admit I feel more confident now in my post because I know better. Hindi na ako nangangarag o natatakot magprescribe ng THM, I'm investigating deeper sa causes ng intraHD complications ng patients, always on the safe side and advising patient to ER if symptoms persists, and confident when I'm referring to consultants (kinda guilty now kasi minsan may pagkatamad na akong magrefer pag ok naman na sa management ko, sometimes i just inform them by "suggesting" my plans when in fact I already did them.)