good luck

i’m permanently leaving the bay area for the first time in my life in a week and a half

i’m  scared to move in with this person i love so much, am always scared of fucking it up, feel like i always start the fight, feel like i’m fated to turn into my parents hurting each other all the time and sleeping on couches

but i’m not, right? i’ll have my own bathtub. i have plants i water and i don’t drink the way my mom does. and one time, when i was in and out of a fever, matt gave me the socks he was wearing and slept sitting up. he puts the lighter back in my bag because he knows i’ll forget it on the table in the morning. he practices all of the whales and dogs that he draws on my birthday cards before he draws them and he makes little kids laugh in the grocery line

tonight my manager talked about her relationship with her mom and i realized it’s been a year, i know all about this woman and her mom, and i don’t tell anyone what my own mom is. my best friends know because they’ve seen it- i’m so open about the shit i talk but i can’t tell anybody about anything real because it’s too much to crack open

i wanted to write her a letter under the guise of keeping my brothers safe but i think i’m probably just really angry at her and want her to know i found all of those bottles in her room

there are so many letters i want to write for so many of the wrong reasons

lately my home in the bay feels less like a home, more like a guest room, i feel like i’ve completely overstayed my welcome but i grew up here so much and so uncomfortably that i don’t know how to leave the right way, i’ve been hitting all the bumpers on my way out and telling myself it’s tying up loose ends but no, i’m cutting the ends off so they don’t keep splitting