Elisia

I think I'm going to head to warmer climes next winter.

I wanted to reach out and ask if there are any girls or women who have Ohvira Syndrome?

Bullying. It is the worst form of intimidation. My daughter is suffering at the hands of a bully at the moment. As a parent it's heartbreaking to watch your child so upset. I confronted the other kids parent about it, and now we have to see if the bullying stops.

It comes to something when you wake at 6am filled with raging anxiety and heart palpitations. My usual hot bath didn't work, instead it sent me spiralling down the depression route and feeling completely useless. Anxiety surfaced again and I started to catastrophise every possible scenario and I mean everything from something awful happening to my family to an alien invasion. Sometimes I feel like I'm completely crazy and some days I really wish I actually was.

Anxiety is like having something right there lurking in the background like a bad smell that starts off really, really bad and then fades, but never quite disappears. OCD is like a splinter you can't quite get at, you can deal with it but occasionally, when the anxiety smell gets worse the OCD splinter starts to hurt too. ADHD is like a friend nattering away at you all the time but when the anxiety smell and OCD splinter want to play it happily joins in and is their mouthpiece.

I woke at 3:23am this morning panicking that I'd forgotten to go to the theatre with my eldest daughter. Tickets are booked for Heathers the Musical. Found the date on my calendar and we go at the weekend. The sheer panic was enough to keep me awake for the rest of the night.

I know that all of my problems with anxiety have come from my narcissistic father and my mother who could not stand up for me. I used to wish I had a normal dad the same as my friends, a dad who applauded my achievements no matter how small or insignificant.

One of my students told me she'd love to go to the Camp Half Blood in Texas. I told her that would be so amazing, being that she's a huge Percy Jackson fan. She replied that she couldn't ever go. I asked why and she answered; "Because it's in Texas, and I'm Asian and not straight." Here we are in 2023 and here we are still facing ridiculous prejudices. I'm thankful I live in the UK which is more understanding than some areas in the USA (and other countries).

I have a lot of fears about being a parent. I fear most of all that I am like my own father. I fear that the moment I raise my voice to my children I have turned into him. I'm at an age in my life where mood swings and anxiety yo-yo daily. Anger sometimes overtakes me and I yell and in that moment, that nano second I fear myself.

I definitely did not get a dopamine fix yesterday...

I've spent my morning crying and I don't know the reason. Too much cortisol and too much caffeine? The fact I'm a perimenopausal woman just trying to get by? Living second to second because that's literally all I can do right now? Wishing I could retire and concentrate on me and my family?

One thing I really wish I could do is draw. I have two GCSEs in art, but I never enjoyed it. My teachers were not inspirational, they were only interested in those that had a natural talent. I didn't. It took me all my time to draw something and I never knew what to draw. I wish I had the motivation to grab a sketch pad, some pencils and take a walk somewhere and just draw. The sad thing is I have provided my children with these and they have drawn beautiful sketches while I stood next to them watching.

Anxiety. I've always lived with it. I don't know why it started but it never goes away. The smallest thing sets it off. Forgetting where I put my key. A couple arguing in the street. Driving. One of my children getting a pimple in a random place. One of my children catching a cold. It never goes away. You might be thinking, well that's just normal, everyobe worries. This isn't worry. This is anxiety. This is my heart beating so fast my eyes blur. This is shaking, feeling light headed, feeling that at any moment I'm going to pass out. This is is sweating and drawing breath like I've just completed a marathon. This is muscle tension so severe that it is painful. This is gritting my teeth that they bleed. This is digging my finger nails into my palms. This is me unable to focus. This is me unable to function becuase the anxiety has taken gold of me and is whispering in my ear that everything is wrong, it can't be fixed, ever. This is anxiety.

Koalas sleep for 18 hours a day. About the average of a human teenager.