I don't think there's a better time to reflect on the past year than it is now. I think a lot of bullshit has happened in 2015, and for some twisted, unknown reason, I don't think I would change any of it. With that, here are some experiences I've learned from that I hope maybe I will look back on and remember to either never do them again, or do it again. The thing that most stands out to me this year has to be when I dragged myself through a depression that I unknowingly went through. Through the majority of the last semester of my sophomore year of high school, I dreaded going to school or even getting out of bed. My worst fear was seeing him because my heart would race and I felt really dizzy a lot of the time and I could never focus in class and I always wanted to get out as soon as I could. I hated almost running into him. Not only that, but I was in a crossroads with a lot of decisions I had to make about my friendships. I was never fully immersed into a friend group; my friends were always scattered. So I was sad, anxious, and also lonely. I don't think I had ever felt as isolated as I had then. I was angry a lot. I had a lot of existential anxiety like I would feel dizzy thinking about death or about how little we were. I felt disgusted with myself after a boy kissed me and I had let him even thought I didn't want to. I seriously thought about suicide, but in the back of my head, I think I always knew I'd get through it. I'm not sure though. I almost died, and to two people I apparently did for a good solid 9 hours. I struggled with self image issues and I always worked out and ate terribly and I felt terrible and I still kind of feel that way today. I succumb to cravings then I'd run a shit ton and do a lot of random ab and arm exercises. I remember not being able to cry anymore. I lost friends; I gained many more. Some relationships weakened and some relationships strengthened. I cried a lot about yearbook and a lot of the times I felt underappreciated or like I was the scapegoat. However, it's always good to note the positive things that happened and not fall into the negative bias that humans are so prone to. I got in physical shape. I made many positive relationships that will last a life time (lily, karen, annie, katherine, etc). I was able to date a guy I thought I never would. I was able to persevere through such a struggle in yearbook. I stregthened my relationship with my family. I entered scholastic and many other competitions I never thought I would enter. I got my favorite event for BPA. I did well on my SATs. I finally mastered the macaron. I made decent relationships with my teachers (loonam, mazzoni, newland). I went through yearbook camp with my head held high. I danced to great new music. I ate healthier. I rekindled friendships with people I hadn't seen for years. I didn't snap at my parents as much as I used to. I laughed more genuinely. I had a lot of great opportunities like the summer at MDA and STL or shadowing at TCH. My MDA volunteers still stay in touch with me and I always smile at the memory of being pushed around at the bottom of a drink cart or smelling popcorn grease on my hands. I got my driver's license after 3 trips to DPS and testing once woohoo. I designed a shit ton of pages for yearbook. I wrote meaningful cards to teachers. I got all A's my first semester of junior year! I stayed in touch with people. I found great new things. I was inspired. I took challenging courses. I finally can look at the mirror and say hey not bad. I am accepting the weird quirks of my personality. But I think the most important thing is that I am alive. When I paced silently at 2 in the morning with a glass of wine and pills in hand, I don't think I could have ever imagined myself the way I am now. When I worked out for two hours everyday and restricted all my meals down to 300 calories, I don't think I could have ever seen myself in the mirror like I do now. Yes 2015 has been a piece of shit year when I think about it. However, I have to remember the good things too; and yes I still have hope for 2016 and I am so ready for it. In my sweat pants and terribly messy bun, 2016 I am in you. New year new me right? Hopefully the new me will be as comfy as I am right now. xx
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