youre weirdly obsessed with finding meaning

i know im withdrawing from nicotine and i know i am extra bitchy right now but everything feels so performative and i feel like im losing it so like i constantly mirror everyone i know its mostly how i socialize and i end up being in a position where everybody thinks theyre a little bit like me and thats cool and all but i feel like theres a big distinction for me where they are themselves in a sincere way and i am them in an insincere way. and when people inevitably assume i am a cisgender trans woman or other base judgements of me that coincidentally line up with their own beliefs i feel delirious because im unfortunately able to understand why they are doing this and how they maintain their beliefs. i just dont get how they keep it up it all feels crazy to me

lets all blindly consume media that says nothing and approach every day encounters like we are teenagers and hide in our rooms doing nothing with ourselves for no reason. why does everyone not see any issue with how their actions are making themselves feel worse and not helping them grow and get more satisfaction of their life. we are all growing older and our needs for spiritual fulfillment grow more nuanced but we are all acting as if we are 15?? it does not make sense

i am not a particularly smart person nor am i well read but it feels like this very basic fact to me is unapproachable for so many people i know. it makes me deeply upset because i dont think of myself as different. but i am, othered by this. any mention of the life i am trying to leave ends the conversation with bitter envy as if this is something only i have access to and it scares me because i feel like i am not special???????????????????????????? most people i know would be better at everything i do if they wanted to be. but i am the only person trying

the gender binary, continuously engaging with childhood hobbies, and a focus on insincere forms of communication are all things that are unrelated in every bodies minds but to me are intrinsically linked as things that you Grow Out Of. your world becomes bigger than the pokemon release schedule, your mind has thoughts that cannot be shared through a meme format, your identity becomes bigger than what a collection of ads tells you it is. but here we are, keeping this song and dance going for reasons beyond my understanding. Why Doesnt Everyone Think Like Me Hkjsbfkjsendkanfkjse.

i know im withdrawing from nicotine and i know i am extra bitchy right now but everything feels so performative and i feel like im losing it so like i constantly mirror everyone i know its mostly how i socialize and i end up being in a position where everybody thinks theyre a little bit like me and thats cool and all but i feel like theres a big distinction for me where they are themselves in a sincere way and i am them in an insincere way. and when people inevitably assume i am a cisgender trans woman or other base judgements of me that coincidentally line up with their own beliefs i feel delirious because im unfortunately able to understand why they are doing this and how they maintain their beliefs. i just dont get how they keep it up it all feels crazy to me

lets all blindly consume media that says nothing and approach every day encounters like we are teenagers and hide in our rooms doing nothing with ourselves for no reason. why does everyone not see any issue with how their actions are making themselves feel worse and not helping them grow and get more satisfaction of their life. we are all growing older and our needs for spiritual fulfillment grow more nuanced but we are all acting as if we are 15?? it does not make sense

i am not a particularly smart person nor am i well read but it feels like this very basic fact to me is unapproachable for so many people i know. it makes me deeply upset because i dont think of myself as different. but i am, othered by this. any mention of the life i am trying to leave ends the conversation with bitter envy as if this is something only i have access to and it scares me because i feel like i am not special???????????????????????????? most people i know would be better at everything i do if they wanted to be. but i am the only person trying

i know im withdrawing from nicotine and i know i am extra bitchy right now but everything feels so performative and i feel like im losing it so like i constantly mirror everyone i know its mostly how i socialize and i end up being in a position where everybody thinks theyre a little bit like me and thats cool and all but i feel like theres a big distinction for me where they are themselves in a sincere way and i am them in an insincere way. and when people inevitably assume i am a cisgender trans woman or other base judgements of me that coincidentally line up with their own beliefs i feel delirious because im unfortunately able to understand why they are doing this and how they maintain their beliefs. i just dont get how they keep it up it all feels crazy to me

lets all blindly consume media that says nothing and approach every day encounters like we are teenagers and hide in our rooms doing nothing with ourselves for no reason. why does everyone not see any issue with how their actions are making themselves feel worse and not helping them grow and get more satisfaction of their life. we are all growing older and our needs for spiritual fulfillment grow more nuanced but we are all acting as if we are 15?? it does not make sense

White people have something wrong with them

I can't stop thinking about that Baldwin quote about white gays' sense of injustice at not having the world on a plate like they were promised as White Children. You'll never unsee it. Same with white neurodivergent people oh my godddddddd

I should start posting franz kafka style diary quotes but it’s from my journal from when I was 11/12 and obsessed with naruto 

you may be aware that trip hop artists were sadly declared extinct in the wild about a decade ago due to the invasive spread of ‘lofi hip hop beats to relax/study to’. But did you know there’s a team of conservationists dedicated to preserving their natural habitat in the outskirts of Bristol? They’ve had some really promising efforts towards getting a fourth member of Portishead through their breeding programme and they’re testing habitats in Berlin, Marseille and the Balearics to see where artists can safely be released back into the wild. They’re open to the public too, it’s only like 20 minutes drive out of town. Most of them sleep during the day so you might not spot much but if you get really lucky DJ Shadow is very tame and might eat out of your hand.

Before matches I chant to myself "panel 1 forever" to remind myself to be confident and to assure myself of my own victory