CINDYs :)

I knew this was coming and yet I pretend like I don’t. How nostalgic to feel something from the past, something I’ve been trying to forget. I’ve been willingly to change just for someone’s sake and here he is not caring about it at all.

Sudah ku bilang kamu seperti hujan di kota sebelah Dan aku tak punya tiket untuk ke sana Atau kamu seperti orang di musim semi Padahal aku suka hujan

To overcome with my sensitivity, I tried to hide it and became ignorant to what people might say about myself in college. At some point I found that good. I sacrifice my true personality for my own sake ‘cause I hate the feeling of insecurity which I feel every time. But it turned out to be for people’s sake. I’m not myself.

I once looked at myself than thinking “who is this person going to be? This wasn’t what I wanted”. I’ve become toooo ignorant that even my friend know. I’m nowhere between someone I truly am and someone I chose to protect myself.

Just let us rest. I’ll let you rest as I let myself rest. But I want to rest with you.  You did lots of mistakes and I did tons.  We are probably against what people think about how relationship should be. But we don’t have to be in the same path as others, do we? We could make our own path. That one path that no people could take. I may seem selfish and greedy, but can’t we just be alone? At this point, I don’t give a damn about what will happen in the future. I just want you to be part of it.

As I said on title, being part of college life is and has never been easy. If it feels easy, then something is definitely wrong. I may seem skeptic or negative but that’s what I feel for the past few months. I don’t know what to put as my priorities, I lost friend as I somehow forget how to keep one, and I become careless yet sensitive at the same time.

I become more individualistic. I don’t want to depend on other people just because we walk on different paths. I don’t want to deal with other people just because they don’t get the way I think or live. I don’t want to keep in touch with some people just because they could annoy me.

I used to be someone who understands people a lot, like really. I never want to judge someone over his/her behavior or people’s talks. I always think they have their unknown reasons. We just don’t know their reasons. And that I know how suck it is to be judged arbitrarily by someone you are not even close with.

With all the things going on in my 6th terms of college, I have lots of things to do. And I sometimes gripe as how tired I am lately. But people don’t understand. I never ask them to understand, but please just mind your business.

I am that kind of person who will not heed other people’s business, behavior, etc as long as they don’t heed and bother mine. But why don’t they just understand? I never mind theirs then why do they have to mind mine?

I know that "even Muhammad is being hated by some people”. Someone as holy as prophet Muhammad is being discredit. BUT still, why do people just mind my business? Not long ago I was so angry with some people. They do not trust me and give me that damn-underestimating-look, they talk about me like they are better in every aspect in life, they do not respect me, and they use me.

I said that I won’t mind people’s business as long as they don’t mind mine. But some people just don’t know that they’ve crossed the line. Definitely crossed the line.

I like to keep things quite. I am too lazy to even talk with those kinds of people. So I prefer to pretend that I didn’t realize their behavior, I didn’t know their gossips, and I didn’t hear their conversations. It might not be good for me, people will think I hold grudges. No, I don’t hold grudges, I just like to be in peace, and not deal with people. Of course sometimes I’d love to give them my best sarcastic comment just to remind them that I’m only giving them the exact feedback. But that won’t do any good for both of us ahead. It will only make me feel satisfied by looking at their offended faces, but it will only make it worse for our relationships.