was this foreshadowing of your eventual distaste of my mind

it came, surprised me just as much as the last time.

when my companion was here, i sat and in some twisted way envisioned that he disappeared.

my own imaginary fire engulfed everything i loved, then i opened my eyes.

i’m burning everywhere now and it’s far too real.

when i went to save him from the flames he had already been gone.

i wanted to scream at him, cry for him, i did. really i just wanted to wake up.

dreams don’t last this long, i suppose i’ll have to reach you in my own way.

i hadn’t checked on you in a while, i could never be a mother.

i feel like i abandoned you, you who quite literally could not leave me.

you relied on me, did i let you down?

were you happy to stay with me, away from everyone who didn’t value you?

with no words you always asked how i was doing.

with the softest grunt you agreed with me- the world sucks.

your whiskers tickled my hand until i realized maybe everything wasn’t that serious.

when you hopped until you seemed to cartwheel, i had my own cheerleader.

at the end, you were so old i had no clue how you were staying.

m said you left because you knew i didn’t need you anymore.

he said you could tell i had someone to take care of me now, you could let go.

i don’t think i agree. i think today i’m alone.

i think i need to go home, to the old house, the one where we stayed.

i can’t do what i need to do and i never will be able to again.

time always seems so whimsical until it’s concrete nature traps us all.

you don’t have to create a masterpiece to live as art. film is one medium that captures living- just living as art.

i may, however, solely be entering an elevated state, short lived and ready to plummet.

i really don’t mind.

the bugs sound beautiful and this sandwich reminds me of life and fuel and continuing.