my big problem with Santos is that it's clear that she isn't motivated by her ethical/moral oath as a physician. in general, this is evident yes, but it's particularly so when it comes to Langdon and the drug diversion. she decided on her first day that she would hate him forever and she made that wound that he unfairly caused her carve something much bigger and deeper. THAT is why she reported it to Robby. she wanted revenge, she wanted vindication, she wanted applause. she didn't want any kind of justice or to prevent any kind of harm to patients or the staff or the hospital. it was personal, and it still is personal.
Santos isn't a good person, and it has nothing to do with her being in what is increasingly clear is a mental crisis. she isn't empathetic to an addict in recovery, someone who took accountability, owned up to his mistakes, is trying (even if he's fumbling or failing) to take the right steps for himself and his patients and his peers. because she's too focused on how she is hurting, on what's going on in her head, her worries and concerns and fears and insecurities. she's so consumed with drowning herself in that bad headspace she's in and so determined to make herself continue to feel every negative part of what being in that mentality does to her that it effects how she does every part of her job. she is dismissive to her patients, routinely not listening to them unless she recognizes something of herself in them (which vanishes the second she stops recognizing it), she acts like a school yard bully to her fellow staff: the name calling and being snappy and cutting to her peers and attendings, and she's been like this since her first day. because to Santos, all she can see is how everything effects her, and she really truly does not care what it's doing to everyone else around her.
which is not only selfish, but it's willfully blind. it ties her hands as a physician whose job is to provide care to people having the Worst Day Of Their Lives. it distances her from her peers and her attendings because she's so busy picking at her own wounds and soaking in her fears and insecurities and mental crisis that she deliberately choses not to prioritize or value anyone other than herself, which prevents her from beginning and growing much needed social and working relationships, as well as denies her crucial learning spaces and growth as a person and a doctor.
i understand and truly empathize with her, because it's clear that she's just as tormented by her own demons as Robby is by his. she's afraid that she's not good enough of a doctor, something that pre-existed before Langdon yelled at her, she hates that she's so keenly aware of that and feels that fear is a vulnerability that she is both disgusted and ashamed of, so much that she's erected walls around herself that are covered in barbed wire to prevent anyone from getting close to her so they can't see how much hurt and fear her pride and callous approach to everything is actually hiding. and she is hurting. but she refuses to do anything but pick at those wounds and make them worse, drowning herself in those same anxieties and angers, and then lashes out and bullies everyone around her because it's the healthiest option she has at hand for excising that emotion. thus far, she doesn't seem to want to do the work in therapy to actually deal with any of it, so she just. takes it out on everyone around her.
she blames the people around her, in her heart, for not praising her, for not reassuring her that she's doing the right thing, for not exalting her. because she feels like that's what she wants, for everyone around her to seek her approval, to seek her friendship and companionship, but she in no way wants to initiate any kind of warmth or kindness or friendliness for anyone. she just wants it handed to her. she wants to be lauded and for everyone to be in awe of her skills as a doctor, and to be clear, she is very skilled. but in an occupation that's as much about knowing people as it is about knowing medicine/chemistry/science, she doesn't give a fuck about people.
idk man. i liked her in season one, but this season i've grown to really detest and pity her as a character. she wants things to be handed to her because she's so exhausted from fighting her own headspace all the time, and she's in a terrible place mentally, but she has no empathy for anyone but herself or people she sees herself in, up until the point she stops seeing herself in them. i want her to heal, because i always root for characters and for people to heal the trauma that haunts them, i always want others to feel better, to live better. but at the end of the day, even if and when she's done the work and gotten into a better place, she still won't be a good person because she doesn't care about anyone but herself.
dailybridgerton
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
amandla
yousharknotpass
